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Planned pregnancy but wishing it would go away.

(31 Posts)
DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 10:08:15

No idea what to do - please go easy on me.

I'm eight weeks gone with a very much planned and tried for pregnancy. I should be over the moon but I'm not.

We both have decent jobs, a home (it's shit but it's ours and he refuses to move despite being easily able to afford it grr) friends and a supportive family.

Why aren't I happy about this?

All I do is resent it; the exhaustion, the emotional rollercoaster, the endless restrictions, being told what to do, feeling (already) like my body isn't my own anymore, the fact that family members are already planning a Christening (not happening) and God knows what else.

Work are giving me shit - as in they want to make my working conditions worse for no reason other than 'policy' despite me being an exhausted mess already (they know about the pregnancy). Basically they want to make me hot desk across a load of desks that are not adjustable and I have arthritis to start with. I can't face the pain of a bad back and hips again without the heavy duty pain killers that I probably can't take.

WTF do I do? I just want to scream.

whiteychappers Sun 28-Feb-16 10:17:31

I feel just the same, its just hormones and generally feeling like utter crap that's doing it for me. What has helped is watching some pregnancy vlogs for me (Hannah Maggs) on youtube as I was thinking I was a terrible person for feeling this way. I love my life and have nothing to be sad about but the constant nausea and puking is much tougher than I thought. I'm praying for a better second trimester. I'm convinced lots of people feel this way but are scared to admit it as it should be a time to be excited. I'm just taking one day at a time. Some days I ball my eyes, other days its tolerable.

PacificDogwod Sun 28-Feb-16 10:19:57

Ok, you need RL help - please go and speak to GP/CAB/line manager/best friend/counsellor or any other person you can think of as supportive of you about how you are feeling thanks

It is quite normal to feel overwhelmed by the thought of being pregnant and then subsequently having a baby/child/teenager etc in your life and a period of adjustment is to be expected. But reading your OP I wonder whether there is more to how bad you are feeling: is your relationship a happy and mutually supportive one? Have you spoken to your GP/rheumatologist about what meds you can take in pregnancy? Do you otherwise like your work? Can you get a union rep on board to support you?
And the big question that nobody here will be able to answer: do you think you might be depressed? Not just unhappy and unsettled, but low in mood, poor concentration, poor sleep/oversleeping, over- or under-eating, have you lost the ability to enjoy things you would have previously enjoyed?

I'm sure there will be more people along to chat to you, but I think you should find a way to sort through your problems in RL.
brew

Mslg Sun 28-Feb-16 10:21:34

You have options, first of all.

Secondly, don't be too hard on yourself. I'm 17 weeks now and I have struggled with a lot of the things you have said. I feel like my body has become public property with people on 'bump watch' constantly starting, looking and all I get is 'let me see it'. I'm not showing and just look like I've eaten a big dinner and it's massively annoying to have your privacy invaded like that. It's a huge upheaval for your body and your emotions. It's still early days so try to take one day at a time.

You may feel better after seeing your baby move at the 12 week scan. Makes things very real and shows the sickness, back pain, heartburn are not all in vain. flowers

DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 10:33:02

Not sure my other half would forgive me if I took the other option - and what the hell would I tell people? He is supportive but I don't feel like I can tell him any of this - he would be heartbroken.

Though on the other hand I feel like I would be a terrible person to bring a child into this mess - what kind of mother will I be if I can't even cope with the first few months of pregnancy?

Stupid thing is, that I don't have to take painkillers anymore but probably would need them if work get their way. I do love my job but I feel like they want to make it as difficult as possible.

Just want to curl up and die.

LBOCS2 Sun 28-Feb-16 10:40:14

Ask your work for a risk assessment. You're entitled to one to ensure you have a safe working environment while you're pregnant and they have to take reasonable adjustments in consideration of the fact that you're pregnant.

The first 12 weeks are hard, both emotionally and physically. You're not a bad person for considering your options at this point - we planned our most recent pregnancy and at points at the beginning I regretted it; I hated my job (so felt like being pregnant meant I was stuck there), it was physically much harder and emotionally things were very volatile because my DM died last year so I'm missing her and worried about the lack of local support I have. Doesn't mean that I don't want the baby, it's just that it suddenly puts a timescale on everything and forces you to face things that had been rumbling about for a while!

Good luck. Speak to people about how you feel - you don't have to solve these problems alone.

DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 10:47:18

I've asked for that and have asked that the changes be delayed until the second trimester - this has been ignored so far. It's the NHS too... Oh the irony.

Why did I do this? Bloody terrified.

PacificDogwod Sun 28-Feb-16 10:53:04

It IS terrifying and you are not alone in feeling like that.

Speak to your GP. And do consider just talking to your OH - not for him to 'solve' anything for you, but to off-load: problem shared, and all that smile

The NHS, eh? <nods knowingly> You will need to be that creaky gate - bring it up again. And again. And if you are not fit to do your job, have some time off on sick leave. I suspect you are more valuable at work than not, and this might focus the mind of whoever makes the decisions about the changes that are affecting you.

Morasssassafras Sun 28-Feb-16 11:02:33

Please go and speak to either your midwife or gp as it's entirely possible that you have antenatal depression. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy because of it and it's far more common than you'd think.

Re work and the arthritis I'd imagine that you'd come under the disability discrimination /equality act so maybe contact your ot department /hr.

WineCheeseSleep Sun 28-Feb-16 11:28:33

It's much more common than you think to feel like this even with much wanted pregnancies. I was over the moon to be pregnant with DS1 but quickly started feeling overwhelmed in the first trimester when the exhaustion and sickness kicked in. It's such a huge change and felt like a very long road ahead. I felt much better in the second trimester, back to normal physically and mentally. If this was a planned pregnancy I imagine you'll feel the same too.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and it's been much better as I have a better perspective now, although I still hated that first trimester.

Can you speak to HR at work? I agree with a PP, keep bringing it up and get signed off if you need to.

DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 11:31:00

I don't want to get signed off - want to be left alone to do my job.

If I hadn't already told half my family, I'd seriously consider a termination. This is hell. I have shit loads to do (I'm a landlord too) and I just can't see how.

Pinkheart5915 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:42:20

Firstly congratulations on being pregnant!

The way your feeling is more than likely due to a quick change in your hormones, and I am guessing this is your first baby? Pregnancy effects everybody in a different way so this is probably your body's way of dealing with the sudden surge in hormones.

After the 12 week scan, you might feel a lot happier, the feeling of seeing baby on that little screen and hearing heartbeat is amazing. Once the baby is born everything you go through in pregnancy is so worth it.

You sound in a good place with having supportive famiy&friends, a place to live that's yours and a good job. These things are important.

Have you spoke to your partner about how you feel? If things don't improve please go and see your gp?

About your work situation, have they done a risk assessment? Could you speak to HR or a manager to explain why you don't want to hot desk?

If you want to scream, then scream!!!

getyourselfchecked Sun 28-Feb-16 17:00:34

I'm not saying you should do this, but if you did have a termination, you could just say to family you had a miscarriage.

malvinandhobbes Sun 28-Feb-16 17:50:43

For me, 8 weeks was the low point. When I was 8 weeks I burst into tears and sobbed to DH that I could not carry on one more minute and simply could not be pregnant anymore. It was just too hard. I recall thinking that feeling that bad is just the new normal.

I started feeling better a few weeks later. I remember someone else posting about how bad she felt at 8 weeks. I had a private scan that helped a lot, it made it more real that this was about a baby and not just a new way to feel terrible.

I hope you feel better soon. I think the hormones do level out.

BeardMinge Sun 28-Feb-16 18:19:51

I loathed the first trimester too, I wasn't even sick, just exhausted.

I resented being pregnant for making me too tired to do any of the things I love, and couldn't even get drunk to take the edge off the hormonal ugh-ness. I'd had a mmc the year before so it wasn't as if I hadn't been absolutely desperate to conceive. But it sucked.

Anyway, bottom line is, it got better. My daughter is bloody marvellous, and was totally worth it.

It's your hormones going mental, but also worth bringing up antenatal depression with your GP/midwife, it's very common.

MagratsFlyawayHair Sun 28-Feb-16 18:43:41

Please go and speak to your GP. You sound very much like you are having an extreme response and there are instances of depression or psychosis etc in pregnancy as well as afterwards.

Obviously I cannot diagnose being both online and not a doctor but even if you're not in either of those categories you might benefit from some extra support. I found the first tri tough, especially with my first pregnancy. But noting like you describe.

DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 18:51:36

Trying to look at this logically; this child was desperately wanted for some time so I don't think I'm going to have a termanation - my OH would not forgive me if I did.

It must be the hormones causing this - I can't think of anything else. I have been on AD's before and may ask the midwife if I can have some again. I can't live like this.

NOTHING makes me happy; my days are dull, terrifying blurs. I have become very good at smiling and nodding at family members as they get all excited. I'm not excited. I can't wait for the pregnancy to end one way or the other. It feels weird and invasive being pregnant.

kiki22 Sun 28-Feb-16 19:45:45

Not everyone finds pregnancy this amazing and wonderful thing, a miraculous change to be loved and embraced lots of woman hate it. I really hate it I do think you feel better once you get over the first trimester exhaustion though I'm 14 weeks now and I feel great this week after 13 weeks or feeling shattered and sick. I think 7-11 weeks were the worst for me then it felt better

Wondering who's telling you what to do? I change my life as little as possible for pregnancy no longer drink but that the only thing I've changed, its easier once you are not so tires to keep going as normal.

mellowyellow1 Sun 28-Feb-16 20:31:12

I felt the same in the first trimester. Totally depressed and considered termination. I don't think pregnancy is an amazing experience, it's flipping hard. Okay some people do love it and that's really positive but for a lot of women it's rough and scary.

It does get better though, I'm 35 weeks and although uncomfortable I can at least eat without being sick and have some energy. And you just get used to all the comments and can find some pretty good come backs. Oh you're getting so big! Oh really I hadn't noticed? Etc etc.

Do recommend counselling if you feel you need someone to talk to. Antenatal depression isn't talked about enough but when you're going through it it's awful.

Hope you will soon feel better flowers

Sweetheartyparty76 Sun 28-Feb-16 21:01:49

The first 9 weeks of pregnancy was really tough and we had tried for the baby for so long. I'm not sure if it was the constant nausea of bone crushing exhaustion but I felt so low. My DH had no idea how bad I felt but in my really low days I considered abortion but I would never ever had gone through with it. At 10 weeks, the nausea lifted and I felt much more like myself. Just when I really started to enjoy pregnancy, we found out our baby had a lethal diagnosis and I had a TMFR are 15 weeks. I was heartbroken and thought that I had had caused it. I don't think that anymore. We go through so many changes, both physically and mentally because motherhood is a huge step and pretty scary. You will make it out the other side. Also, I thought the 8 week was the worst too xxx

DefinitelyNotWaiving Sun 28-Feb-16 21:07:55

Good to hear I'm not alone - been convinced that I'm the worst woman on earth.

PeppasNanna Sun 28-Feb-16 21:17:24

No your not the worst women on the earth. I've been pregnant 7 times. Nearly every time I've felt, to varying degrees how you describe, even with very planned & wanted pregnancies.

Its very taboo to voice how your feeling. Its scary as s**t to be pregnant the first time. I would defniately confide in your husband & a close friend or relative you feel comfortable with.

If you continue to feel like this, i would speak to your MW.

I just really wanted to let you know hiw your feeling is much more common then u realise
Good luck & take care of yourself.flowers

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 28-Feb-16 21:29:00

Op my pregnancy was unplanned but very much wanted (BFP about 6 weeks before we'd said we'd start trying!).

I spent most of my second trimester with anxiety and paranoia about everything from my health, to my relationships etc. I was so unhappy. Even now at 34 weeks I have the very confusing contradictory feeling of loving this baby more than anything else and being bloody terrified of what is to come. I keep thinking "what have I done?!"

You are not alone. And you are not "the worst woman on earth". Speak to your mw. And take care of yourself. flowers

PacificDogwod Sun 28-Feb-16 22:51:08

You are most certainly not the worst woman on earth.

Pregnancy and impending motherhood are fucking scary. And vastly oversold IMO.
The pressure of needing to be seen to be hugely happy and excited and blooming marvellously is just hideous.
So please be kind to yourself. And seek some RL help - You are most certainly not alone in how you are feeling. And MN is one of the few resources out there where we can all say it how it is.

How extreme you are feeling and in particular that you are saying that you feel incapable of enjoying anything, makes me wonder about antenatal depression. Please be honest with your MW - trust me, they will have heard it all before.

princesspineapple Mon 29-Feb-16 06:14:29

I agree with PPs who say it's more common than you think to feel this way. Hormones are actually pretty terrifying with how they can control us.
My baby is so wanted, but I felt the same as you early days, genuinely couldn't see a way forward with the pregnancy and everyone was so excited compared to me.
I was scared to tell my midwife how I felt in case social services got involved because I must be a terrible mother feeling this way... but she was amazing. There is so much help available if you are depressed or overwhelmed, don't be afraid to ask flowers

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