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27 weeks pregnant with our third child and husband still doest want it

(80 Posts)
Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 11:19:14

So basically I fell unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3. We already have two kids 11 and 8 and were done having anymore. We were using condoms and were very careful but somehow I managed to fall pregnant again. My husband was horrified and demanded I have an abortion. I was shocked at the fact I was pregnant but it never would have entered my mind to do such a thing. Anyway we fought for weeks and I've never cried so much in my life. I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't live with the guilt of killing a wee innocent baby. He even threatened to leave me. I told him I wasn't getting an abortion and that was that so eventually he said, 'look one of us is not going to get what we want and it might as well be me' so fast forward to now. I'm 27 weeks pregnant. He's been to both scans (it took a lot of coaxing and tears from me for him to go), he was the one to tell the kids about this baby, he even participates in baby naming convos with the kids and I but other than that he completely ignores the fact I'm pregnant. He hasn't once asked me how I am or felt the baby move. He never speaks about this child and goes to all costs to avoid touching anywhere near my belly. I know he still doesn't want this baby and it's scaring me that he won't want it when he/she is here. I've enjoyed every wee milestone of this pregnancy silently on my own because he doesn't want to know. It's breaking my heart that he's like this. I feel guilty that I've 'forced' him to be a father again when clearly he doesn't want to be but I don't think I could have stayed with him if he made me get an abortion not to mention the impact it would have had on my mental health. So I guess I'm just looking support and advice for someone. Have any of you been in this situation and your husband has fallen in love with ur baby once it's born? Should I find out the sex next week at my last scan to help him bond or would it be better as a surprise in the delivery room ? Hubby won't even be at next scan (growth scan) as he wont take anymore time of work and clearly doesn't want to be there anyway. Any advice would be great thank u

Clockworklemon Wed 24-Feb-16 11:27:46

No advice as such, just that you sound like a lovely person. Am sending you virtual support and wondering whether you could go for some relationship counselling now, before the baby arrives?
He needs to work through his feelings to reach a point where he can allow himself to bond with this baby when they are born.

The fact is, this baby was created by both of you, he/she must never be aware that they weren't wanted by DH or it will affect their self esteem for ever.

Do you think your children have picked up on this negativity? So sorry and please continue to enjoy this precious time despite the lonely feelings you are having.

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 11:35:33

Thank u for ur replay. I will definitely mention counselling to him but it's not something he would be willing to do. So far I've just been praying he will fall in love with this baby when he sees him/her as he is an amazing father to our other two children. No they definitely haven't picked up ion Anything as hubby makes it look like he is interested with them by picking names with the kids and seamed so excited telling them about the pregnancy after our first scan. It's all show tho coz when they arnt around or haven't brought the baby up in convo it's like my pregnancy doesn't exist

FellOutOfBedTwice Wed 24-Feb-16 11:38:28

You sound nice and my heart breaks for you. This is not alright. Have you tried talking to him about it or is he just clammed up?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 24-Feb-16 11:41:06

I can't see how you can move forward with this dickhead.

He tried to bully you into an abortion by threatening to leave. He thinks you should put him before your child. Think about that.

If you want to find out the sex, do but don't do it as an attempt at a carrot to make this idiot grow up and show interest.

Chocolatteaddict1 Wed 24-Feb-16 11:46:44

That's sounds awful flowers

Your Dh has every right not to want another child as do you in wanting to keep it.

But for me I'd be looking at the future, st whether he is capable of loving this child. If he honestly can't I'd ask him to leave. You can't have a child brought up with a cloud hanging over his/her head that their own father dislikes them.

He is an adult. He needs to get his shit together. He is either on board or he is getting off. I think he is being extremely immature and fake which must be a weight around your neck.

Sunshine87 Wed 24-Feb-16 12:18:39

Its a difficult situation to give advice. Without knowin your DH its hard to determine what his reaction will be before the baby arrives. I wouod after baby is here look at sterlisation as this has clearly caused such a large strain on your relationship. Its hard because even tho he had a part in he cannot control what happens but rightly so its your body. Had you dicussed having the baby and adoption or you set on keeping the baby? You might end up leaving thia relationship which is something you got to be prepared for, you cannot live with this cloud under the two of you.

whatevva Wed 24-Feb-16 12:30:00

Yes I was wondering if he would feel more in control if he had a vasectomy, so that he knows it cannot happen again. He would probably need to go to counselling to work through to this. I suspect that he is too entrenched in his current mindset of proving that he has been wronged to get this far, at the moment.

dreame Wed 24-Feb-16 12:46:40

OP I haven't got time to read all the posts but I've seen this twice with friend/colleagues.

1. My boss. They had one child and they didn't want another. They got pregnant. He wasn't happy AT ALL the whole pregnancy (the office was in their house so this was awkward for me!). Baby born, he was in love and doting father.

2. My friend. They had two, third pregnancy happened, he wasn't happy pretty much to the end of the pregnancy. When baby way born he was smitten and absolutely amazing father (again).

In both these cases abortion wasn't an option because if the countries they were living in, but I'm certain in both cases the partners would have wanted it if it had been.

So, not entirely your situation, but not too far off and it turned out OK in the end. Pregnancies were awfully stressful though albeit straightforward.

expatinscotland Wed 24-Feb-16 12:52:55

I agree with Goingtobe. Tried to bully you into having an abortion. He needs to have a vasectomy.

I'd find out the sex for my own personal benefit.

I'd stop trying to engage him in the pregnancy at all and find another birth partner, yes, I seriously would.

whiteychappers Wed 24-Feb-16 13:26:17

This happened with my friend to the point where he left when she was into late pregnancy, however once he saw the baby, he completely changed his mind and they got back together, the child is now 8 years. I sometimes wonder if its different to men, we have that instant bond as its within our bodies whereas for them, they don't actually experience every little thing. You shouldn't however have to hide your joy because he can't face up to it. At the end of the day, if he didn't want anymore he should have had a vasectomy. You are an amazingly strong women to be putting up with this, cant imagine how you must be feeling but mothers love conquers all flowers

CityMole Wed 24-Feb-16 13:30:20

I really feel for you. This might be a v unpopular opinion, and bear with me (because I intend this to be supportive of you) but.... I also feel for him (to a degree...read on.)

He has been honest with you in that he didn't/ doesn't want this baby, and isn't happy about it- and he's allowed to feel like that. It's OK to want your family to stop at the number of children that you have agreed upon (assuming you had both agreed this- and had you ever discussed what might happen if contraception failed, as condoms sometimes do?)

It's also ok for him to see abortion as the destruction of a bunch of pre-viable cells, rather than as a 'wee innocent baby' (unless this deviates from strongly agreed ethical standards that you have always understood you possessed as couple) and it's ok for him to tell you that he would rather you had an abortion, and that he might not want to be in a family of three.

I also don't think he's being unreasonable in finding it hard to engage in bump-rubbing etc- why should he be fake and touch your belly and try to bond with a baby he has made clear he doesn't want?

However, he is also behaving quite badly in some aspects of this. I am confused as to why he is acting up as the doting father in front of your other kids and encouraging the name-picking etc, if his ultimate intention is to largely ignore this newborn or run away- what message is he trying to send to you and them? It's as if he's already decided he'll go along with things after the birth, but he's sure as hell going to punish you and sicken you with worry in the meantime and ruin whatever enjoyment you might have had during the pregnancy. That's not fair.

So, what can you do?

I think you maybe need to say to him that you appreciate he's in a hard situation and you do take on board his feelings, but that you're not going to keep hassling him to support you- you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Next, I think you need to do as much as you can to ensure you are supported but without recourse to him. Do you have friends family who can help with the birth etc?

There is, of course, every chance he will fall in love with the baby when the time comes, and the way he is acting around your other two suggests that he is setting himself up to be Father of the Year 2016 when it all comes good. However, you have to start preparing yourself for the possibility his behaviour doesn't change after the baby is born, or that he leaves or becomes impossible to live with. I guess you also have to ask yourself whether you want to be with a man who would punish you like he is currently trying to do- because the time is coming when he needs to shit or get off the pan. Commit to whether he is in or out, and before you are in throes of labour and having to deal with a newborn. I think you need o have a tough chat with him and then decide whether you are wiling to let things run while hoping for the best after the birth.

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 14:43:27

Firstly thanks everyone for ur replays. I've tried to talk to him but be just clams up and says nothing. He's usually a deep quiet person and finds it hard to talk to me even tho we've been together for 12 yrs. I don't no if a vasectomy would be an option for us as he is only turning 30 this year and I'm 29 soon and I no the hospitals are reluctant to do these things when we r still young but it's something we should look into. The only family I have is my 85 yr old wee Granda and an estranged uncle I never see. So apart from my husband I don't have much support. I should have said that we arnt arguing about the pregnancy anymore it's just simply not talked about and I'm wondering if that's mabey his way with trying to deal with it. We generally get on like a house on fire. He's my best friend. So he maybe ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant but we are getting on ok and if that makes sense? I just feel this big elephant in the room that we arnt talking about and it's hurtful. I also feel guilt for keeping the baby against his will as his feelings matter as much as mine but it was just something I couldn't physically do. If when the baby comes and he does not feel any bond with the child and is going to treat him/her different I will ask him to leave. I love him but my first instinct is always to protect our children. I feel like he's trying to make an effort when he talking about names with our other kids then when I try and discuss it with him at night he clams up. I won't be asking him to anymore hospital appointments but I will need him there at the birth of he wants to be there. I don't think I could do it without him

OzzieFem Wed 24-Feb-16 14:43:36

We all know that condoms are not 100% reliable and that sperm can still be on the penis post coitus, and that penetration does not have to occur in all cases to get pregnant.

Is it at all possible that your husband was so shocked by your pregnancy after all the safe sex precautions, that just for a moment, just a tiny dreadful instant, he had the awful thought it wasn't his? This may explain his demand for a termination.

He's obviously a good father and perhaps he was looking forward to more you and he times, as your other children are becoming more independent. I wish you and your family the best. flowers

DangerMouth Wed 24-Feb-16 14:55:02

I'm sorry OP but if l were your dh and we were using protection and both did not want another dc I'd be pushing for an abortion too.

I get that it's your body so ultimately your decision but l think he has a right to be upset with the situation. You could have an abortion but chose not to. Once again l know this is your right and while it sounds like he respects that, he doesn't have to be happy about that.

And wheeling out 'why didn't he have a vasectomy' isn't always a valid solution.

I'm sure though once he meets his new dc he'll be fine. Which of course doesn't help you now.

I don't want any more dc and dh and l are discussing our options so if l fell pregnant now I'd be utterly devastated.

CityMole Wed 24-Feb-16 15:05:33

oh bless you, it sounds like you are well aware of how hard it is for him too. it sounds like you have an otherwise strong relationship and that this is his way of burying his head in the sand. He won't be able to do that for long though!I think you have to give this one time and hope for the best my love flowers

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 15:13:30

I'm sorry DangerMouth but i know he had the right to be upset and I'm feeling very guilty about that but I did try to consider having an abortion for him but couldn't even physically make myself make an appointment to go. And where we live we would have had to get on a plane to have an abortion so I had to be sure I was going to go through with it and I knew once I would get there I wouldn't be able to do it. Just taking to them on the phone about the way they do it made me run for the bathroom and be physically sick. I love my husband dearly and would usually go to the ends of the earth for him to make him happy but this was Just one thing I could not do sad

BathtimeFunkster Wed 24-Feb-16 15:22:56

If he does come around, will you then forget all about how atrociously he treated you while you were pregnant?

He tried to bully you into travelling to have an abortion that is illegal where you live and when you didn't do as he wanted he punished you for it,

He sounds absolutely vile.

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 15:24:04

Thank u CityMole we usually do have such a strong relationship and have been through a lot this past 12 yrs but this is the first time I've been scared for our relationship. I hope he comes round x

Strokethefurrywall Wed 24-Feb-16 15:47:05

There is so much wrong with your response Bathtime that I don't know where to start.

Neither of them wanted a 3rd child, a contraceptive accident occurred and now OP is pregnant, and has chosen not to have an abortion which is absolutely her choice.
However her DH has had no choice. This has been forced upon him. Very much like if someone got you pregnant and said "you're not allowed an abortion" - his right to choose has been taken away, and whilst this situation is shite for both parties, his responses are more than understandable.

Given that he is a good father to his other children, I'd have thought that his first instinct is that he's been bullied into being a father to a 3rd that he didn't want. And is probably fretting that he may not love it like his others. Doesn't matter that he doesn't talk about it, he doesn't have to. How he copes with this news is entirely up to him.

When you look at the facts here, he has every right to sit in silence and try to come to terms with this. Women are allowed to make the choice as to whether they wish to become a parent or not, men (in this situation) have that decision made for them. And on this occasion, I can fully understand his reluctance and turmoil.

I'm not at all saying OP is in the wrong. But neither is he. And calling him vile for not behaving like it's amazing news and not giving OP the support she wants is not his fault. The blame should not lie solely at his feet.

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 15:47:38

Thank you dreame for ur replay it has given me a wee bit of hope smile x

BathtimeFunkster Wed 24-Feb-16 15:55:14

Very much like if someone got you pregnant and said "you're not allowed an abortion" - his right to choose has been taken away

shock

Are you kidding me?

He doesn't have "a right to choose".

Once there is a pregnancy, only the woman has such a right.

And a good loving man does not punish her for making the "wrong" choice.

Sometimes in life, we don't get choices. We still have to deal with those situations in a way that is decent and fair.

But nice that you think a woman choosing not to terminate a pregnancy can be fairly seen as "bullying" the man who got her pregnant. hmm

CityMole Wed 24-Feb-16 16:05:33

bathtime I think that's a really unhelpful post. The fact that abortion is illegal in some countries is an abomination- not something to be used as a stick to beat the OP's husband with. He is perfectly entitled not to be rolling out the bunting at their unexpected extra mouth to feed. Plenty of families in loving and secure relationships terminate unplanned pregnancies, as is their right in most civilised democracies.

the only thing her DH is really guilty of is the sending of mixed signals (i.e. he is capable of putting on a brave face in front of the children but not for her), but it's not difficult to understand what his reasons might be for that hmm

Summ3r Wed 24-Feb-16 16:06:58

Thank u Strokethefurrywall I do not agree that my husband is vile that comment was quite hurtful. He is my whole life and I totally agree with what u are saying but it wouldn't have been him to go through the pain of having an abortion. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and knew I couldnt cope with the after effects. The guilt I'm carrying around at the minute of basically forcing him to be a father again and not terminating this pregnancy for him is bad enough sad

Strokethefurrywall Wed 24-Feb-16 16:19:03

No, you're right OP and you absolutely should not have a termination if it's not right for you. Your situation is awful and I'm not way saying that you should have terminated.

I was mainly objecting to Bathtime's huge leap to the conclusion that your OP is a horrendous man, determined to bully you into a termination, when that clearly isn't the case.

He is, by your own admission, a good man having to come to terms with a situation that he did not want nor expect and it's only fair that he is allowed the time to deal with his reactions in his own time.

I actually think it's an encouraging sign that he is engaging your other children in name choosing. These little things in encouraging the children could be his own way of attempting to "get on board". And at the same time, I'm sure that he is dealing with his feelings of hurt, frustration and no doubt some anger at you for making a decision that he doesn't agree with. And that's ok. He's allowed to be angry, and he has to deal with that anger and hurt in his own way in his own time.

I guess your own feelings of guilt are running parallel to his own feelings of hurt or anger. You both feel what you feel, neither of you are wrong.

But if he is a decent man, he will have come to accept the new addition by the time of it's arrival and will go on to be a supportive and loving father as with his first two children.

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