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If you're over 40 and pregnant, did you 'plan' it that way?

(13 Posts)
Heatherbell1978 Tue 26-Jan-16 17:11:10

So I'm 38 and have DS1 who is 17m. Quick planned pregnancy, no issues with pregnancy or birth. DH wants number 2. In theory I want another one but there's a lot I want to do before we do. I'm in the middle of planning a bit of a career change and we're also discussing a move to Oz which wouldn't happen until late 2017. I'd like both these things to happen (esp Oz) before another baby comes along, for many reasons but finances is a big one.

So that'll put me at 40/41 when trying to conceive. Not ideal but not sure what to do for the best...wwyd?

TheGreaterGood Tue 26-Jan-16 17:43:53

Honestly, I'd get on with it...but then I'm nearly 42 and pregnant with my first having started trying at 39. I had 4 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. It wasn't planned to start so late - I only met my DH when I was 36.

Unfortunately fertility levels reduce and the likelihood of miscarriage increases quickly after the age of 35 so you can't assume that since all was well at 35, all will still be well at 40. Of course plenty of women have babies in their 40s, hopefully me being one of them...but no amount of career success or travels could have made up for the pain and heartache of the past 3 years.

So hard - we're told as women that we can have it all but biology doesn't buy into that theory! Good luck, whatever you decide.

MsShopper Tue 26-Jan-16 18:46:43

I have to say I'd be tempted to get on with it too, or even just ditch the contraception and let 'fate' decide while you get on with your other plans. I fell pregnant with our first aged 39 after 18 months of serious trying and, prior to that, 18 months of 'let's see what happens'. By the end, I was convinced we would never conceive and I bitterly wished circumstances had allowed us to start trying much sooner.

But, that said, I've found the pregnancy a relative breeze despite having recently turned 40 (and due to give birth in about 2 weeks), and I'm glad my DH and I are in a really good place relationship-wise and finances-wise. So I do understand your wish to get things in order first. But I guess you need to weigh up how you would feel if the TTC timeframe took much longer than you'd hope for. Good luck with it.

JessieMcJessie Tue 26-Jan-16 19:19:22

Really depends how you feel about the possibility of not having another. I am 9 weeks pregnant at 42 but it took two cycles of IVF and trying for about 15 months in total. Did not meet my husband until late in life, would have got on with it much sooner if I had. There is. "Trying for a first baby after 40 " thread on the conception board that has been going for a year or so and I'm sorry to say that pregnancies have been few and far between. Many of us who have had testing got results back indicating severely diminished ovarian reserve, despite being healthy and not feeling our ages. It might be worth you taking a look

Paperblank Tue 26-Jan-16 19:21:33

FTM at 41. Was planned to a degree, but as I didn't meet DH until I was 37 it was circumstances as much as anything.

I'll be almost 42 when this one is born and I might persuade him to go for No 2... we'll see grin

The thing is we can plan all we want, the reality is that conception rarely goes to plan!!

Best of luck.

JessieMcJessie Tue 26-Jan-16 19:21:39

PS congrats the GreaterGood flowers, best of luck for a healthy pregnancy this time. How far along are you?

TheGreaterGood Tue 26-Jan-16 20:37:42

Thanks Jessie. Am 16 weeks and very happy!

Luckygirlcharlie Tue 26-Jan-16 22:13:15

But then there is another side to it - I was worried about not getting pregnant having just married dh at 38 and 2 mths and suddenly seeming to see everywhere stories of fertility falling off a cliff and women leaving it too late. He wanted to wait a bit but I was too worried we'd miss our chance. Got pg first time trying. Fast forward to going back to work after mat leave and 2 months before my 40th bday decided to start trying for dc2 as nearly 2 years older and convinced first time was a fluke. Convinced DH again! Got pg first time trying. Couldn't bloody believe it. Then read an article in the Times that one of the fastest growing age groups for women having abortions is the over 40s because they're constantly being bombarded with the message that they can't conceive so they become careless with contraception. Go figure. I guess the point of this is that yes I was very lucky and dh is younger and probably has supercharged sperm (!) but it can happen quickly.! I personally wouldn't wait anyway as I'm finding 40 and pregnant quite tiring (plus toddler and working) and i also think I don't want to be any older than this in terms of being a wrinkly old bag at the school gate grin And of course being around to see them get married and blah. Good luck with the move to oz X

Heatherbell1978 Wed 27-Jan-16 08:53:38

Thanks everyone. Tbh if number 2 didn't happen I'd be ok with that, DH not so much. DS1 is a good boy but I struggled a lot with sleep deprivation in the early days and not sure I want to go back there...but I would if we decided that was the right thing to do.

It's a tough one, conceived first month of trying with DS and there's just no way of knowing what will happen second time. The Oz thing is very important to me and we've been putting it off for one reason or another since deciding to go 5 years ago and I feel like we don't need any more reasons not to go. Can I just be 5 years younger please? hmm

Oysterbabe Wed 27-Jan-16 11:02:20

What's would be the bigger issue, not having a second child or putting off the move to oz for a couple more years?
I too vote for just getting on with it. Maybe you'd concieve and have a problem free pregnancy at 41, but maybe not. The risk of having a down syndrome baby at 38 is 1/120. At 41 it's 1/60. There's a lot of increased risks worth considering before you decide to delay.

Luckygirlcharlie Wed 27-Jan-16 17:07:21

Also how big an age gap do you want and would you really want to go back to the newborn stage after a long time of an 'easier' older child? How strong is DHs desire for dc2 and would he resent it if you said you wanted to leave it at 1? All things to consider. X

malvinandhobbes Wed 27-Jan-16 17:59:37

I am pregnant at 41 and it happened the first month of trying. It is my 3rd baby, and I conceived easily in my late 20s and early 30s as well.

I understand where you are coming from. When I was 28 and had DS1 my career was young and I was happy to throw my full identity into mothering for a while. Now my career is at a pivotal, fantastic juncture. I am so excited about this baby, but I want to do concentrate on other parts of me as well. We started trying abut 6 months before it was ideal career-wise, and I was shocked it happened so easily. We thought it was a long shot. The NHS is totally unimpressed by my age and classify me as low risk. I don't think it can be that unusual for 41 year old women to be having babies.

Of course, it will all be fine. I am going to be an absolute tyrant about DH doing his share. He parents our older sons 1/2 and is brilliant at it. He can parent this newborn baby 1/2 too. (by 1/2 I mean 1/2 of the days the baby is too poorly to go to creche - which is where my career really took a hit last time. Maternity leave can be managed). I've already sorted his paternity leave to suit me.

It is a hard choice, but be fair to yourself about having a balanced life.

ChicaMomma Thu 28-Jan-16 11:00:32

There's no way i'd wait any longer to TTC. And that's coming from someone who got pregnant on first attempt aged 37 and then again aged 39. So i should be more relaxed about it, but if you wait, there's every chance you could literally have run out of eggs- or as others have said, your MC risks are so much higher.
Have a second baby and then all 4 of you can move to Oz when DC2 is about 1 or something? What would you regret more, not having a second, or not going to Oz? oz will always be there, your eggs wont- fact!

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