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First baby and unsupportive boyfriend. Really struggling(9 Posts)
Hello. I'm new to this forum.
I've recently found out I was pregnant, was ill a few months back which resulted in my pill not working...I am approx 6 weeks pregnant. Total shock, not planned at all.
My relationship with my boyfriend isn't great. We have our good times and bad times, the good times are REALLY great and the bad times are really crap. My boyfriend has a child who is nearly 6, he only has his child one day a week.
I have not been to well with nausea over the past few days, my boyfriend just keeps saying "well ur going into work so you must be ok". Yes I am going into work, because I HAVE TOO. I can't have a sickness on my record and they obviously don't know about the pregnancy yet. He is very unsupportive when I say I don't feel well.
Also, as it was unplanned we spoke about a termintaion, he just keeps saying its my decision and never wants to discuss it.
I feel really alone and that I can't talk to anybody, my family don't know I'm pregnany yet and my boyfriend and I are virtually on the verge of breaking up.
I don't know whether it's hormones or whether what I'm feeling is really happening. I am so confused. Does anyone have any advice?
Are you trying to decide whether to continue the pregnancy or get an abortion? If so I suggest you get this moved to Pregnancy Choices.
I also suggest that you talk to a counsellor about your decision, and try to make the decision without your BF in the picture - ie would you want the baby if you two weren't in a relationship?
You could ask your GP, BPAS or Marie Stopes about counselling.
Hi. Thanks for your reply.
To be honest, No i wouldnt want to raise a baby on my own.
But my message was more for guidance on how I could talk to my boyfriend about the way I feel. He says he is too busy to talk and doesn't understand how I feel therefore says i'm stupid.
I'm sorry your BF is unsupportive.
In the early days of me being pregnant I had the same(ish) thing with my BF (even though the baby was planned). He will be trying to get his head around having a baby also (which I know doesn't excuse the way he is) and how will things work out financially etc.
Are you close to your mum? I would recommend talking to her/telling her or someone else who has had children who you are close with. Getting your head around an expected pregnancy can be hard (I had my doubts and like I said mine was planned) but having an unplanned surprise must be a lot harder
I would definitely talk to him and talk to a midwife. Im guessing from your post this is your first baby? I cant speak from experience as I am in a relationship pregnant with our second but I know a lot of people who actually ended up better off raising their baby alone, obviously if this isn't for you then what needs to be done needs to be done.
My BF is like a child sometimes and when I want him to have a serious conversation (hes 27 ) I have to sit him down and say I need to talk to you, as an adult....I need you to be an adult right now! Sounds silly but he gets really defensive about being called a child so really does man him up a bit!
Our first was a total shock, but a happy shock, second was being talked about and on the cards, just had already happened and we didn't know about it so was a complete shock again, I sobbed.....its one of them moments when reality hits you hard and its scary.
A midwife/counsellor will have lots of information for you and be able to pass you on to the right person.
"But my message was more for guidance on how I could talk to my boyfriend about the way I feel. He says he is too busy to talk and doesn't understand how I feel therefore says i'm stupid."
In that case, I think you'd get better advice in Relationships. This is a relationship problem, not a pregnancy problem.
I'm going to be brutally honest here. Your boyfriend does not sound committed or supportive. Certainly not father material. If you are going to keep the baby in the hope that the relationship continues, you need him to talk to you at the very least. If he doesn't want to talk and says you're stupid, that's a very very bad sign.
If you keep the baby you need to be prepared for the possibility of being a single mum - or feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship because you have a child together. I'm not saying I hope that happens, just that it's a possibility, and certainly what you've told us indicates that it's not just a slim possibility.
If you are absolutely certain that you don't want to raise the child on your own, then I would seriously consider whether you are able to commit to continuing with the pregnancy. I think, even in a strong relationship, you have to ask yourself that question- if it all gets too much and he runs off with the circus, can I do this? Do I want to do this?
Sorry if this doesn't sound very positive- it just sounds like an unstable environment, and I think you should seriously consider, if you want to keep the baby, the possibility that you may be doing so without your partner.
What are your other avenues of support? Family, friend? I think you should speak to your GP and midwife too- there is help out there for working through these issues. And if you decide to go it alone, you will have support- you will have us! But you can do it- you just need to talk to the right support services and get your head around whether it's something that you are willing to take on.
I'm afraid, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink- your bf might come round to the idea of a baby as your pregnancy progresses/ once the baby comes. His previous dabbling in fatherhood doesn't sound terribly promising in terms of establishing a track record of responsible behaviour, but this might be different- I just wouldn't bank on it. He seems to be in denial - he needs to talk to you and not just be a passive aggressive pain in the arse.
What an awful situation.
I agree you might get some insights to help you come to what may be a difficult decision if you start a thread in Relationships. (You could just ask HQ to move this one over there.)
He sounds a bit of a twat though. Whatever you decide I think I'd be looking long and hard if I wanted to be with someone who sounds a bit of a fuckwit.
I agree you need some RL support - preferably from your family or friends. Its early days, so whatever happens you probably don't want to tell everyone, but you need someone to talk things through with.
Your relationship doesn't sound great - particularly the bit about refusing to talk to you about this very important and time-sensitive issue and calling you stupid. Not nice behaviour and not the kind of behaviour you need if this man is going to be a dad to your DC. You might want to ask for a referral to BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service). Your GP can do this. You can also talk to a midwife via your GP. Reach out OP and find yourself some support to help you make an informed choice about what to do.
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