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God what have we done!!

(45 Posts)
NorthernBird92 Tue 12-Jan-16 01:14:51

So my baby's 9 months and today I found out I'm pregnant again! Around 4 weeks I reckon.
I was on the pill but the last few months with moving ect I've missed it.( I know it's my fault ect should have used contraception)
I always liked the idea of another baby and the baby's being close together age wise ...but now it's happened well I don't know what the hell to think...
I'm scared dd will feel left out and less loved. I'm worried I won't have a really close bond with her when dc2 comes along...in general I'm just so confused as to how I feel...
Dh is shocked but of course wants the baby but I don't know what I want!
Has anyone any advice on the close age gaps or having a second child
Thanks

lucymootoo Tue 12-Jan-16 01:24:46

My DD is 18mo and I think we could handle a newborn again now. She is in a decent routine and has a nursery place. It would enable me to have quality 1 on 1 time with the baby, attempt to catch up on sleep etc.

Being pregnant would have been exhausting though. At 18 mo DD likes her independence, won't sit in a pram so I'm constantly slightly stooped walking along with her. I can't imagine struggling with her in and out of the car seat with a huge bump would be much fun either. She is very chunky and over 2st. I would probably aim to go on mat leave at around 30 weeks.

I think you'll make it work! It will be tiresome and hard work but the baby years fly by. They will have a lovely bond and hopefully can spend time amusing each other as they get bigger.

Sorry I can't give you actual experienced advice grinblush

NorthernBird92 Tue 12-Jan-16 01:31:37

Thankyou so much lucymootoo. That's given me a bit of hope! I mean already I'm so tired I just want to sleep all the time and it's not fair on dd that I just want to nap!

Dd would be around 18 months so it's good to speak to you as you are where I would be.

How do you think your dd would be with a baby? Do you think she would fee jealous? I know it's a hard question to answer but I'm trying to fathom how dd will feel.

My dd isn't in nursery I may actually look into a few hours a week for her. But I then feel guilty that I'm palming her off to nursery to spend time with dc2.

I'm a sahm hubbys in the army so he's away a lot he is actually away at the min. So I think it's going to be really tough!

lucymootoo Tue 12-Jan-16 02:02:27

I would definitely try and get a nursery place. We only have one because we both work but I could see myself getting worn down if I had her 24/7. I do 3 days in work and 1 day from home so she attends at most 4 days per week (depending on DH shifts). She's at a difficult stage- wanting to be independent, has developed some sass, refusing things, running away from getting her nappy changed etc Even a couple of days or afternoons for yourself to recharge would be good. I'm blessed because she still naps 2-3 hours during the day and does a sold 10-12 at night. So I'd have plenty of time to sleep (if the newborn felt like it). It all does depend on your DC though.

I think she would take to a baby well. She loves playing with dolls, prams, bathing her baby, dressing/ putting nappies on them. I could imagine her being very loving towards a baby but at the same time if I wasn't giving her immediate attention she would throw a strop. I'm sure she would get used to it though. My mum has a puppy so she knows what "gentle" is and is very careful around the dog. DH works shifts (through to 6am, some starting at 3am etc very varied) so she is used to me saying "shhh daddy is in bed" and generally isn't too bad at keeping the noise down and never goes into our room if he's asleep. So I reckon a sleeping baby would be left in peace.

On days she wasn't attending nursery I would try and get out the house with them. At 18mo she's very independent in our local soft play area so I could easily sit with a coffee and baby for a good while. We usually stay for lunch then she's nackered and has a long nap.

It's only at this age I realise how lovely and portable newborns are! grin

HippyChickMama Tue 12-Jan-16 03:27:38

I can't offer advice as I have a 6 year gap between my two! But just wanted to offer reassurance as I'm one of three and dm and df had all of us within 2 years! They were only 20 and 24 when they had their 3rd and they managed. In fact dm thought we were mad having 6 year gap so it's definitely doable.

Lweji Tue 12-Jan-16 03:37:09

My sister is 17 months younger than me. We have always been close.
It can work out.

SerenityReynolds Tue 12-Jan-16 03:41:55

I have several friends who have a small age gap (smallest is 15 months). From what they've said, it is hard going initially, but actually great after that as the two can play together, are at the same stage of being interested in stuff, go to school one year after the other. A few hours at nursery for your eldest sounds like a great idea. Don't feel guilty, plenty of children go earlier than you're considering if both parents choose to work. There are some advantages of attending childcare for both of you.

winchester1 Tue 12-Jan-16 03:42:52

I have a 16month gap, little one is now one. The dc1's sleep went to pot right when we brought dc2 home -,typical 18month regression, and shortly after dropped his nap. Sleep training dc2, establishing a routine etc has been harder than with dc1 (although that's partly because I'm studying).
Otherwise its good, there is no jealousy and dc1 helps dc2, fetches toys and her milk etc. He now understands to play up the table if he doesn't want he interfering.
We taught gentle touching before dc2 was born but the only problem is dc1 always wants to cuddle a kiss dc2, she would however like to play instead.

Hearing them at bed time is the cutest dc1 'reads' to them both while the settle to sleep. It makes the lack of sleep worth it.wink

Champagneformyrealfriends Tue 12-Jan-16 04:40:02

I'm the same as lweji-my brother is 17 months younger and I have always adored him. I dont remember him not being around and we are extremely close friends as adults.

princesspineapple Tue 12-Jan-16 05:10:08

No first hand experience I'm afraid, but my DP and his brother are 13 months apart... MIL says it was hard work but worth it as you have all the baby stage of sleepless nights over in one go, and can enjoy them growing up together. They are really close and DP wants us to be planning DC2 already... DC1 is still in the oven!

Jux Tue 12-Jan-16 05:41:30

I am 18m younger than my brother and 21 months older than my other brother.

From a child's pov it was pretty good. My brothers and I were always close felt responsible for each other, had very strong bonds. In adulthood we all got together once a week, with parents, and had a great time. It made a strong foundation from which we could wander off into our own lives and follow our own stars, knowing we were always there for each other and there was always a place to come back to. There's only my elder bro and I left, but our bond is still pretty strong.

Jux Tue 12-Jan-16 05:42:45

Oh, and as kids, there was usually someone to play with, always someone to confide in or to comfort you, to help with homework etc.

AltCarbon Tue 12-Jan-16 08:00:03

Hi there, my son turns 1 on Saturday and I am currently 16+5 with our second child so he will be 15 months when the new baby arrives so I know that feeling of "oh my god" even though we planned this. All the points people have made above are what made us want a small age gap but a little panic is totally normal as is accepting that the first year is probably going to be tough. My mum had 3 under 3 though and as siblings we had an amazing childhood and are really close now so I just keep repeating "it'll all be fine" if I have a temporary "what have I done" moment.

genome Tue 12-Jan-16 08:12:43

I had an 18 month age gap between mine. I was working fulltime up until 38 weeks so it's manageable! After 2 weeks paternity leave, I had them both all day by myself as I wanted to and I felt DD1 may feel pushed out of I took her to childcare while keeping the baby with me.

DD1 has always been lovely to DD2 and now at 3 and 19 months they play together all the time. There is some pushing etc over certain toys at times, but they are generally the best of friends. I would say it's a positive experience and my DH is very close to his siblings who are 18 months older/younger respectively. It can't be thst bad as I'm expecting our DC3 and will have 3 under 4!

JellyBaby26 Tue 12-Jan-16 08:38:03

Following as mine will be just over a year apart when this one is born in June.

DD is highly special needs so no idea how we'll cope ..confused

MetalMidget Tue 12-Jan-16 08:39:05

I had a boyfriend that had two younger siblings, who were very close in age - his sister was conceived when the middle brother was six months old! I remember his mother saying that she was terrified at the time, and didn't know how she'd cope, but everyone turned out OK, and the two younger ones were always very close.

Newlywed123 Tue 12-Jan-16 08:50:50

I found out i was expecting a gew days after my daughters 1st birthday. Im a high risk pregnancy too, so have extra appointments ect. Im due 36 weeks, but baby can come anyday from monday. My daughter is 20 months old. Shes in a perfect routine. We put her to bed between 7/8 and she will fall to sleep alone without crying. She hasnt had bottles since 1 and we took her dummy away completely about 2 months ago. She will sleep until between 6-9am. And go down for an hours nap before 1.. if she doesnt we dont let her nap.

Try and get you LO into a rountine before baby is bkrn, apparently babies adjust to the routine youre in apart from feeding. The only thing I'm nervous about is breastfeeding.

whatsoever Tue 12-Jan-16 08:55:07

Loads of my friends have two with less than two years between them. They all said it was tough when pregnant and when DC2 was tiny but are universally positive about it as DC1 has an instant buddy as soon as DC2 is old enough to play.

None have particularly mentioned jealousy being an issue. all have had a small amount of childcare in place for DC1 when DC2 was newborn to get some one on one time with DC2 and found that helpful.

I'm currently awaiting the arrival of DC2 and my DS is 3. I'm not sure it's physically any easier than having a baby as the elder child! I'm still having to lift DS (who weighs 2.5 stone) into his car seat as our car is quite high, and still have to run around after him & get on the floor to play etc whilst just wanting to sleep.

Best of luck, you'll be absolutely fine.

Murloc Tue 12-Jan-16 08:56:10

I'm due in 3 weeks with #2, and DD is 16 months. Early pregnancy was hard as I was quite sick and had a lot of bleeding so was wiped out, but DD still napping in the afternoon has been lovely as the pregnancy has gone on as I can catnap then too.

We always wanted a small gap - time will tell if it was the right decision, but at this point I'm happy we went for it, despite chasing a toddler while the size of a whale!

NorthernBird92 Tue 12-Jan-16 09:08:45

Thanks everyone you've all massively reassured me.
My dd is in a fantastic routine she sleeps 7 till 7 has done since around 6 months old. So I think that will help but I am aware it'll probably mess up when dc2 arrives.
I am definitely going to teach dd Gentle and shh as the months go on if I can.
Re nursery I will look into it.
I really appreciate everyone who has said they have close sibling or there dp's do, it's making me look at the good side...
I guess I just don't want dd to feel less loved and that she's pushed to one side...

To the people with 2 dc close together do you think there is anything in perticular we should do to prepare dc1 for dc2? X

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 12-Jan-16 09:17:33

We started TTC DC2 when DC1 was 7 months old. We ended up with an 18 month age.

The reason I wanted a small age gap was because my brother and I are 20 months apart, have always been close and remain close to this day.

To be honest, it never occurred to me to worry about DC1 feeling less loved, or pushed to one side. Basically because I knew he wouldn't be less loved or pushed to one side! I think it can be hard to imagine loving the new child as much as the existing child, but you just do.

DC1 doesn't remember a time before his sister was born. They've both only known having the other one around - he can't compare a time when he was an 'only' (and getting all the love!) because it was before his recallable memory will go back.

I will admit that the first two years of having two was a hazy distant memory of sleeplessness, nappies and being dominated by naps - it was hard at times - but it very quickly came into its own.

I wouldn't have done it any other way. smile

christmashope Tue 12-Jan-16 09:18:17

I have 15 months between my two boys, planned. No denying the first few months were tough but it's like that with any new baby
My family live over 5 hours away
So no help really

My boys are now 9&10 and great friends if I were to do it all over again I would definitely have them close in age again

Congratulations on your lovely news xx

Miffy1979 Tue 12-Jan-16 09:29:23

Reading this for some reassurance too.. my DS is just coming up for 10 months old, and I'm 24 weeks pregnant (ARGH! - unplanned btw).. although I know a few people with similar kids' age gaps and they've all been very positive smile
I feel exactly the same as you OP, in what the hell have I done! and worrying about DS getting less attention etc. DS has had to start nursery much earlier than planned (3 days a week), so I felt guilty for that, as I had to go back to work to earn mat pay. He's getting on fine with it though, and we'll keep him in nursery 1.5 days a week once new baby is here.

CityMole Tue 12-Jan-16 09:34:07

it will be hard work, but you can do it!

NorthernBird92 Tue 12-Jan-16 09:43:53

I suppose it never occurred to me dd wouldn't actually remember a time before dc2 so that's a new perspective! Thanks. I am looking to the sleeplessness with dread and hoping dh will be home a lot!

Christmas hope that's exactly my situ my family are just under 5 hours drive away and as I said hubbys away a lot... It's already planned he will be pretty much solidly away till July ish!

Miffy1979 it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I do feel guilty for feeling the oh fuck thing!
I feel really guilty about putting dd in nursery I'm going to see how it goes and keep her with me as long as I possibly can. What about practically how have you prepared? Will your do share a room? Are you going to be using a double buggy? Sorry ridiculous questions I know but I have no idea! What else should I be thinking of !?! Arrrrrrr! Xx

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