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Third child, don't want my partner in the delivery room.

(25 Posts)
Mallory1980 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:54:07

Hullo. I wanted some advice please. I'm due to give birth any time now and the more I think about it the more I feel that I don't want my partner in the delivery room. This will be our third child, and things are fairly good between us in general (well, the usual stresses your average clichèd thirty-something couple juggling children and work and mortgage goes through). But he has been, and is, so incredibly vocal about how "disgusting" he finds the whole giving-birth thing.

With our first child he was with me the entire time, and quite frankly was pretty useless (either asleep or playing with his phone). When it came to the actual birth - which admittedly was fairly bloody due to an episiotomy - he was downright in the way. He clearly found the gore upsetting and to this day, whenever our daughter's birth comes up the one word word he will always use is "disgusting".

With our second he missed the actual birth due to baby-sitter problems, but showed up about half hour after delivery, during the "clean-up" work, as it were. One of the first things he did was standing himself down the business end (I was still naked from waist down, legs akimbo etc, as they were treating a small tear) and then make gagging motions and just shaking his head. Not fun to see after a fairly traumatic and excruciatingly painful birth (placental abruption). I do remember thinking it felt so much easier not to have him there at the actual birth, though.

In the interim, last year we also had a medical abortion at 18 weeks (trisomy 18) which obviously was incredibly traumatic for both of us. He happened to be out of the room when I actually delivered the baby, and I remember being so conscious of his intolerance for gore that I asked the nurses to keep him outside until I was cleaned up.

Now, with the third birth imminent, he is again talking about how disgusting it is to witness, and when we had a false alarm last week one of the first things he said as we settled in the delivery room was how disgusting this would all be. Since then, all I've been thinking is that I don't want him there when it's actually time. I'd rather it was just me and the professionals, with him joining in when its all said and done.

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel that giving birth is already such an incredibly painful, exposing and vulnerable thing to go through, and I just don't need him there being obviously disgusted. I don't need the distraction and the upset. On the other hand he sometimes talks about how he regrets not bring there for our son's birth, as he feels that it contributed to them taking longer to bond. With that in mind, am I being cruel to exclude him, by having him wait outside (or at home. Wherever he is the most comfortable)? In my situation, what would you do?

Helmetbymidnight Tue 29-Dec-15 16:55:41

Don't have him there.

Notrevealingmyidentity Tue 29-Dec-15 16:56:07

shock please tell me he has some redeeming features ?

That is so awful, crass and rude.

0verNow Tue 29-Dec-15 16:56:57

Absolutely exclude him. This is about you, not him. Find a birth partner who will support you in the way you need.

Mummamayhem Tue 29-Dec-15 16:57:16

He sounds a complete arsenal! I hope he has other redeeming features...

Tell him he's babysitting the other 2 and your mum/sister/best friend is birth partner . I doubt he's going to mind is he?

PerspicaciaTick Tue 29-Dec-15 16:57:52

Why have you had three babies with someone who has all the empathy and sensitivity of a brick?

Pinklily1 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:58:30

Does he even want to be there? It doesn't sound like its an experience he 'enjoys' as it were. Could it be that he'd rather not be in the room but hasn't been able to tell you that, or feels like he is expected to be there?

Mummamayhem Tue 29-Dec-15 16:58:43

Obviously I didn't mean arsenal!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 29-Dec-15 16:59:24

No, have him outside, and tell him that he can join you in the delivery room when he's grown up. If he doesn't grow up before you decide not to have any more children, he'll have missed his chance.

He sounds like a complete knob. Honestly, he should have thought it was an amazing thing, not behaved like a child.

Eminado Tue 29-Dec-15 16:59:34

He sounds like a dick, sorry.

Please dont have him there.

Personally I think its a privilege to have the chance to see your child born and I wouldnt want someone with me who cant appreciate it.

Is he always so rude to you?

ImperialBlether Tue 29-Dec-15 17:00:07

God almighty, what persuaded you to even look at him again after he said your first birth was disgusting?

Definitely tell him to stay at home and mind the children. And none of that crap about not bonding afterwards - men were never at the births of their babies until relatively recently and they bonded. You have to put in a bit of effort to bond - was he doing that?

Notrevealingmyidentity Tue 29-Dec-15 17:00:10

I wouldn't want him in the house let alone the delivery room.

bittapitta Tue 29-Dec-15 17:00:28

Do you have time to get a doula? Then you could explain you want someone knowledgeable to support you. Otherwise any friend/your mum or would he be bothered by that?

P1nkP0ppy Tue 29-Dec-15 17:02:28

Well said Perspicacia, my thoughts exactly hmm

Notrevealingmyidentity Tue 29-Dec-15 17:03:07

I'm going to go out on a limb here -

What was his behaviour like after the births ? Was he sympathetic to you afterwards/breast feeding/ baby weight/being uncomfortable or not wanting sex straight away ?

Did he get up in the night to feed the baby or take over the cleaning and keeping the house running for your first DC ?

I have a feeling the answer will be no.

sepa Tue 29-Dec-15 17:03:22

Have you asked your husband if he wants to be in the room? It may be that he is happy baby sitting and you having someone else in the room who will try to help relax you instead of make you agitated.

Although I disagree with the way your husband has chosen to word things I can't imagine the whole birthing thing being pleasant to watch.

Sparkletastic Tue 29-Dec-15 17:03:50

Tell him you don't want him there due to his previous behaviour and comments. Saves you hassle of finding a babysitter too. Do you have a family member or friend that you would like to support you during the birth or are you happy with the midwifery support?

Eminado Tue 29-Dec-15 17:05:17

Although I disagree with the way your husband has chosen to word things I can't imagine the whole birthing thing being pleasant to watch

I doubt it is a walk in the path for the woman either!
All the more reason not to make insensitive comments, surely?

Fairylea Tue 29-Dec-15 17:06:18

He sounds awful !

Have you actually sat him down and told him how all this makes you feel ? I would ban him from using the word "disgusting" again when it comes to giving birth. It's just so horribly rude and insensitive.

If you don't want him there I can completely understand that, I just feel sad for you that you're doing it because he's so bloody rude!

Helmetbymidnight Tue 29-Dec-15 17:07:32

Mm he wouldn't have been at the conception either...

This is about delivering the baby safely- I don't know how you can do that with this twat there. I wouldn't ask him, I'd tell him.

5madthings Tue 29-Dec-15 17:16:58

Nobody has the right to be at the birth, you choose who you are comfortable with.

Your dh sounds like he needs to grow the fuck.up,yes birth can be messy and there is blood and bodily fluids but hos role is not to spectate it is to support you! If he can't shut the fuck up and do that then do not have him.there.

As an aside I know my dh finds birth hard,he isn't great with blood, needles etc but he has sucked it up and supported me and never would he make such a bloody fuss and moan. I am.due no 6 at easter and may need a c section, something I am terrified of and I know dh isn't kern on either. I suggested to him that he may not want to be there and he said that whilst he may not want to be there, nor do I but I don't get a choice and he will support me in whatever way I need/want. Yes the needles, blood, whole.operation will scare him but he is capable of putting my needs first.

I hope op that your partner has lots of redeeming features as his behaviour over the birth of your children is beyond shit.

Junosmum Tue 29-Dec-15 17:27:09

Does he feel it's his duty to be there but would rather not be? Talk to the man, tell him how upsetting it is when he calls it disgusting and tell him you'd rather get it done with yourself and he can come and see you and new one once your'e all clean and done.

mamas12 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:35:16

You have prEsented a good case on here for us all to say actually you don't need him there as it sounds as if it will hinder the birth process for you
Can you sit him down and explain why you don't can't have him there
Present it as good for him as it won't be so disgusting for him and won't have the same reaction to this child as the others
Good for you t not have to be worried about him in the room and concentrate on giving birth
Good for baby as you will be more relaxed
He could very well be relieved you bring it it up you never know

VimFuego101 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:45:03

Does he even want to be there? I'd be surprised if he did given his response to the blood etc. I would ask him and give him a get out opportunity. If he says he does want to be there then you need to explain exactly what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. You need to focus on giving birth and have him take care of you, without having to worry about what he is going to say or how he's going to behave.

LouLou030783 Fri 01-Jan-16 10:38:32

OP did u talk to him yet x

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