Gift "etiquette"

[hazellnut56]

Hello everyone, I'm wanting some opinions on whether I'm being reasonable in my thinking....
I'm 31+4 (sooo excited!) and earlier in my pregnancy my mum said she wanted to put some money towards a cot, at the time we had our eye on a bedroom furnitature set so I was like great! Whatever you want to do happily received.. All good! We've since brought said furniture set and she knows this but no offer of monies, I've not said anything as it sounds really rude asking for money and just let things tick on by however when browsing the sales in sainsburys today it's "ooooh do you want me to buy anything for little one?!" I found myself thinking (but definitely not saying !!!) yeah how about the cot money you said about?! Am I wrong in thinking like this, it feels very much like she offered the cot money in the first place expecting me to refuse but happy to spend a couple of quid on her first (and only grandchild) I think I might be being hormonal with it, she's normally quite Stingy with money. I don't want to sound mean or spoilt brattish please tell me if anyone thinks I'm being unreasonable by thinking this way ! Thanks ! Xx

[princesspineapple]

It might be a bit bratty... But then she shouldn't have offered!
I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, DM was like "oooh we'll buy you the pram" as soon as we told them I was pregnant. We don't want to be spoilt (I'm aware of the irony here!) so we said perhaps they could go thirds with PIL and us, but she has been insistent on buying it outright. I'm now 28 weeks and there has been no mention of the pram for about a month now?
I spoke to her yesterday to say thank you for our Christmas gifts, and mentioned that we'd had some money for baby from a few people so would be sale shopping this week, but she just changed the subject.
I'm at a bit of a loss of how to bring it up now! I wonder if like you say, she was hoping I would say no thanks and could just turn up with some outfits after baby is born (which would of course be lovely btw, we didn't expect anything before they offered), and has now got herself in a bit deep? I know they're not hugely well off but they're not struggling, my dad was saying only a couple of weeks ago that it's nice to have some spare cash at Christmas, so it can't be that!
Money is just the worst thing, isn't it!

[hazellnut56]

It really is!!! It's not about the money I'm finding, it's more the principle of she offered otherwise like you say I wouldn't have expected anything nor asked for anything ! I think it's the "half arsed-ness" I'm finding hurtfull more than anything

[Runningupthathill82]

I don't think it's half arsed-ness, Hazelnutt. And being hurt seems a bit daft.

Maybe she just doesn't think you need her to buy the cot any more as you've already gone out and bought a full nursery furniture set?

[hazellnut56]

Yeah it probably is, probs just hormones and it's the tip of a long line of annoyances, she's not been as I expected her to be during my pregnancy in terms of positivity n all that jazz !

[bittapitta]

She probably was looking forward to shopping for cot/furniture with you. You went out and did it without her, seems amiss to expect a cheque from her now? Take her up on the offer of "anything you need for the baby" when you are next shopping with her in person, she wants to be involved in the decisions I imagine, not just hand over money

[hannahbanananana]

Have found myself in a very similar position a few times during my pregnancy. When I told my mum she said 'I'll buy the pram'.. Great, I thought. Didn't expect her to buy anything, but would certainly help us out a little. She kept mentioning it the whole way through and I told her which one I wanted and being polite I said 'well it's up to you, but it is expensive and we don't expect anything', but she insisted. Got to 26 weeks when we really started buying stuff, she was still sure she was getting it so I mentally spent the money I would have spent on the pram elsewhere. Then she stopped mentioning it.. got to 30 weeks and no sign, I tried to hint that I needed to get everything sorted, but no mention. So in the end I bought one. Dropped it in conversation that I'd bought one and I got 'I really wanted to get you that, it's tradition!'. I wanted to say 'well give me the money for it then' but didn't. She asked what she could buy so I told her what I had left to get (not a lot!), but said please don't buy clothes as I'm really picky and got plenty, so she turned with you guessed it.. clothes! And I hate them all haha. Am I being really ungrateful? I do feel terrible for moaning, I never expected anything from anyone, it just wound me up that I'd planned to buy other things because she had assured me I didn't have to worry about the pram. My Dad has done the same with the nursery furniture, which I had to order as time was ticking.. can guarantee he'll turn up to the hospital in a couple of weeks with clothes!

[bebo100]

I think it's your baby, you should be prepared to buy everything for it.

If people give you presents all well and good, but you shouldn't expect it even if they've said.

Maybe the furniture set was a lot more expensive than she'd realised
Maybe she feels awkward saying well I'll give you £x towards the cot
Maybe she just wanted the excitement of going shopping, not just to hand over cash

Whatever the reason I don't think you should take it personally.

[Whoknewitcouldbeso]

I would expect with the offer of a pram that many parents have no idea just how expensive they can be nowadays. It would have been much more sensible to have offered a set amount of cash to offset against something.

My mum knitted some hats and a blanket and I was very grateful for that. This time she has given us some muslins and some clothes and that's plenty.

[Missingcaffeine]

My mum was the same, kept offering to buy stuff impulsively whilst we were out shopping. I thanked her for the offer but wanted to make joint decisions with my partner, so she offered to buy something once we had chosen, but never mentioned it again and our baby is now a toddler. In my case it was just my mum getting caught up in the magic and excitement of the moment of shopping with me for her first grandchild. It did wind me up a bit, not because I wanted her to spend her money on us, but because she had been so insistent - but that's just my mum - very impulsive.

[RubyWoooo]

I think some people feel the giving of money is maybe a little less personal than going out and buying a gift.

As a pp said, you've gone and bought the cot so maybe your mum feels you don't need her to pay for that any more.

[skankingpiglet]

I think I'd ask (very politely!) if she still wanted to pay for/towards whatever item was promised, but say I completely understand if she'd changed her mind as it's awfully expensive. That way it's all out in the open for both sides and you can plan accordingly. I agree most GPs don't realise just how costly big items are these days, so always worth reiterating they don't have to buy it or could just give a contribution.
My DM paid for DD's cot bed which was a real help, and clearly was looking forward to picking it out with me, so as a PP said, that could definitely be a reason she's gone quiet given you've already gone out and bought it. In hindsight DM wanted to help and buy much more, but I didn't feel comfortable letting her pay for so much.