family and pregnancy

[XxxNewtsxxX]

Hi

Sorry for moaning but has anyone else had their mothers treat them like crap since becoming pregnant?

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and my mum is 100% involved with the pregnancy she comes to all the scans and MW appointments because partner works full time so he hardly gets time to come to the appointments with me.
Yet my mum still treats me like crap having ago at me all the time stressing me out blaming me for her being ill and telling me to do everything (walk the dog everyday,shopping,cleaning,cooking ) while she sits at her mates all day and doesn't nothing.
She said she cares about the baby and me but I can't see how she does after she knows that I should be getting stressed out while pregnant.
When I try and talk to her about she says she doesn't do anything and blames it on my partner. Sorry for the long post

[LouLou030783]

Sorry but ur mum sounds like an absolute twat! What kind of way is that to be treating you??

And to then try blame everything on ur OH that's just shocking I'd say you need to have it out with her before you explode

[QforCucumber]

Do you live with her? Sounds extremely full on to be fair, I'm 25 weeks and speak to my mum every other day but that's it.
Is she used to you doing all those things for her before you were pregnant?

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I live with my mum atm but planing to move in with OH after baby is here and no she wasn't used to me doing all those things before I was pregnant.

She's changed since i found out I'm pregnant when we're around other people she's always nice to me but when we are at home shes not

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I've tried to talk to her about it but she just acts like she doesn't nothing to upset me and that I'm emotional cz of my hormones or that it's OH fault.

She calls me lazy because I've been extremely ill in the pregnancy and blames me for her having to pay to go to the hospital where I have been ill.

It's like she doesn't care about how she is acting and as if it's her right to make me feel crap and treat me like crap

[April2013]

Sounds like you need to move in with OH to get some rest, be wary of spending too much time with her once the baby is here incase she continues to behave like this.

[frillybiscuits]

My mum has been acting similar. She made me help her pack and move stuff for her house move at 28 weeks knowing full well I have SPD, I ended up getting stuck on the floor and had to lay down because I was in so much pain. And silly little things like carrying her shopping, moaning if I want to sit in the front of her 3 door beetle (those things are hard enough to get in and out of normally), making me set the table in her home whilst I'm relaxing after a long day because she's too busy having a fag and has a go at me if I don't do it. It's a struggle to get up off the sofa and into the kitchen

Mine acts that way because she had me at 30 weeks so doesn't really understand what it feels like to be really heavily pregnant. I'm not sure why yours could be doing it but do make sure you rest and don't feel afraid to pull her up on things she's doing if they make you feel like crap!

[XxxNewtsxxX]

Thanks for the replys

My OH thinks it's because she's jealous that he wants to be involved in the pregnancy/baby as my father didn't want to be involved with her during pregnancy.

But it gets to the point that I'm so stressed my stomach starts hurting like anything and finding it hard to breath and she says "your not the first person to be pregnant".

And I'm only staying at my mums after the baby is born for him to have he's injections then I'm moving with OH as she will end up taking over and pushing me out of my baby's life she's always telling everyone he's hers.

[XxxNewtsxxX]

When I do pull her on things she does and says that make me feel like crap she just says that it isn't her making me feel like that and blames it on OH.

Her response everytime "don't have ago at me for him making you upset" when I tell her it's her

[cloudjumper]

But why are you staying with her until the baby has had its injections? That would be what, 6 weeks after birth? Why can't you move in with your OH now?

[HootOnTheBeach]

How old are you OP?

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I'm 19 and it's easier to wait until after the baby is born I have all my doctors and MW down here and my OH lives a few hours away so would have to change everything and I'm 8 months pregnant so it would be to much hassle to start that now

[Lucy61]

She's probably trying to prepare you for all the responsibilities of motherhood. Most women who's partners work full time and can't make appointments just go on their own. You don't need to bring her to appointments. Also, if you lived in your own home you would have to do the cooking, cleaning, walk the dog and look after a baby.

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I do know that but there is a difference in trying to prepare someone and making them feel like crap

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I may only be 19 but I'm more mature than most people older then myself my mum acts like she's younger than me sitting around her mates all day playing xbox she doesn't have a job and is hardly at home and I don't like going to the appointments on my own it's my personal preference just like those who go alone

[QforCucumber]

Are you working too op? To be honest id just stay out of her way, it is possible in the same house to still lead separate lives.
If you're not around her she can't ask you to do everything.

[frillybiscuits]

I understand where you are coming from OP. It's nothing to do with your age so not sure why people are quizzing you on it. I'm fairly young and live alone. My mum still acts the same as yours. Sometimes it is hard enough to get your own things done when you're pregnant, shouldn't have to do other people's chores or whatever you want to call them. If it's not your dog, you don't have to walk it. If it's not your mess, you don't have to clean it up. My exMIL used to make my exOH walk her dogs and do cleaning for her because she was 'too busy' with friends or what not whilst I was at home on bed rest and pregnant. If you don't have time to walk your dogs then get rid of them or hire a dog walker and hire a damn handyman/cleaner to do your other work. Sorry to rant but that woman riles me

Just refuse to do things that aren't yours to do and think about how you'll be with your baby and OH soon

[April2013]

I moved house with a baby and changed gps \health visitors etc, I don't think it would be difficult at all to do that with a newborn if you had got everything sorted whilst pregnant - you could easily go to his house immediately after the birth when you leave hospital if that's what you want, you could have a cot etc all set up there. To register with your new GP just get the registration forms for you and Baby whilst pregnant and fill them in, then on the day you move to his just get him to drop them off at new GP, as soon as they have the forms you both become their patients, it is a fairly easy process. Speak to his local midwife team on phone to find out if they could do your care for the first few days after birth (they do a couple of home visits), I think this would also be easy to arrange if that's what you wanted. Just thinking it might make your life easier to be not living with her when you are looking after a newborn and recovering from birth as you will be even less available to do chores for her and will want to forget about housework and just focus on the baby\sleep when they sleep. Do you think your boyfriend would be easier to live with than your Mum? I totally understand not wanting to change midwives \hospitals whilst pregnant but even with that, you could change to his local hospital with no major hassle if you wanted to do the move now. I just remember in the early days with my son I tried to do housework and other normal things and then realised I had to forget about all non essential chores and just sleep when my baby slept despite all the washing\cooking\cleaning that needed doing - just having a shower everyday was enough of a challenge never mind walking the dog and cleaning on top of that. Congratulations :)

[XxxNewtsxxX]

It isn't just that easy to find and house to move into now days my OH is looking for one but there are hardly any avaliable that would be suitable to have a baby in. It isn't just like you can click your fingers and have a home ready and waiting.

My OH is living with he's family so I can't just move in with him it takes time to get that sorted and like I said I have been extremely ill during the pregnancy I've been in hospital for weeks due to it so I can't just up and change everything at the drop of a hat.

And the dog is my mums the cats are my mums the mess that there is my mum makes I hardly leave my bedroom until to get food and to use the bathroom.

And I was working but had to leave my muxh loved job due to being ill.

[XxxNewtsxxX]

@ frillybiscuits your right it shouldn't matter what age someone is when they have a child or become pregnant as long as they are responsible enough to understand how to care for a baby and have a supportive family they shouldn't be question on their age

[QforCucumber]

Did they make you leave the job? Legally pregnancy related sickness cannot be used against you, you should be signed off sick - not have to have left because of it?!

[XxxNewtsxxX]

I mean signed off sick but it feels like I've had to leave the job as was used to doing it everyday before pregnancy and now all I have is appointment after appointment to make sure baby's health is good and growing well.

[cloudjumper]

You could try and reduce the number of antenatal appointments your mum attends with you - your OH should be able to get time off for these! Involve him instead of your mum, to start sending a clear message to her.
I realise that it is hard finding accommodation these days, but I would not leave it until after the baby is born, as you will have even less time and motivation then. If you are feeling better now, I'd really focus on that (and it'll distract you from the issues with your mum!).

[April2013]

Sounds like when you have had the baby and feel well in yourself again everything will become possible - although I was tired with a newborn, it was amazing to feel better in myself and able to sort things out, I know when you are ill and pregnant everything is on hold and it is just about getting through the day. In terms of where you'll be living, in the first 6 months they hardly take up any space and are either in your arms\cot\playmat etc so you could always find somewhere for first 6 months that might not be perfect for a toddler but fine for a baby and then move after 6 months if you wanted to. I'm sure everything will fall into place when you have had your baby and are well again.

[HootOnTheBeach]

The reason I ask your age is because I thought you sounded young and lacked confidence and your mum is clearly very involved.

What do you do in your room all day? Are you looking for places to live? You need to take control and start acting like an independent adult because right now you are a sulky child hiding in her room being told off by her mum and finding excuses not to move out.

Rent can be negotiated, particularly if a property has been on the market for a while. I got a place which dropped £100 because it was unoccupied for 4 months then I made a cheeky offer lower than even that and they said yes. You have a much better chance of finding somewhere the longer you look and practice negotiating. Don't expect a yes the first time. Do get a letting agent. Do work out how much you both can afford.

Your mum is peripheral to your situation.

[frillybiscuits]

She's not a 'sulky child', she's a pregnant young woman finding it very difficult to figure out what she's doing

It's damn hard trying to sort things out like moving and having so many appointments to go to, especially if you are alone or sick. It's hard when you're not pregnant, it's even worse when you are. I was homeless up until I was 25 weeks and now I am in my flat I barely ever leave other than to go to appointments or visit family. That doesn't make me sulky or a child does it? I don't have the energy to be up and about like a normal person. Every pregnancy is different. My mum put me out on the streets when I was very ill and yet still has the audacity to expect me to run around after her.

As for housing, the council is your best option right now. Do you have a family nurse or a MAT worker? If not then get your midwife to refer you to them, they are very helpful and I don't know where I'd be without mine.