Baby Showers UK: I don't think this is right ...

[FeelingSoBlue]

Hi, long time reader, lurker, poster etc

A friend of a friend is pregnant and due in 3 weeks. Let's call her Bev. I am her friend by association, we all chat and meet up etc etc There are times when she's a lovely girl and other times when her incessant attention-seeking behaviour and attitude wears me down because she wants constant attention and it always gets in the way of offering our other friends support and advice.

Anyway, she had a gender reveal party after her 20 week scan (can't remember if that's right but nm) which was a huge big fuss, full party, cards(?) presents etc she then announced she was having a baby shower after 3 of our other friends had baby showers organised for them as a surprise.

Myself and 6 other people were sat down by this friend and told that we were to organise a baby shower for her, she wanted an afternoon tea type of affair with decorations, food, drink and a 'naiice' hotel or some such to have it in. Is this normal? I thought baby showers were organised in secret for the mum-to-be-again, I didn't think they told people to organise them?

I don't earn much money due to recent redundancy and there are now only 4 of us organising this shower because others have opted out, it's been massively expensive with the cost of the food, location and decorations. I literally haven't been able to buy her a gift. I'm so stressed because I want her to have a nice time but she is so heavily critical about people and talks about us behind each others backs.

Someone tell me this is actually normal and I'm being mean please?
Thanks.

[Lj8893]

Just opt out, you say she's not a close friend anyway.

I had a baby shower but my friend organised it, was nothing to do with me. It was a very very low key affair!

She sounds incredibly entitled and spoilt!

[Dfg15]

It's not normal and u are not being mean! Stop spending your money which u can't afford to spend and definitely don't buy her a gift

[SirChenjin]

No, it's not normal and she sounds a complete horror - but then the fresh evil that are baby showers weren't normal in the UK either until a few years ago.

Why on earth are you not telling her to get stuffed?!

[BeautifulBatman]

No its not fucking normal and you are not being mean! Greedy cow, asking you to organise a baby shower and expecting you to pay for it??? Fuck that!!

[SirChenjin]

fresh hell even! They are evil as well...

[FeelingSoBlue]

If I opted out now (there's 2 hours till kick off :/ ) my friends would never speak to me again, they love this girl and think she's fab which is why I think I'm the bad guy. I've gone without things for myself just to pay for the food and decorations and she wants us to prepare prizes for games etc too, I now have to try and create a quiz in less than two hours. Argh.
I'd turn my back and walk away if it didn't mean that my entire friendship group went with her ...

[elQuintoConyo]

Jeez! What an awful woman (her, not you).

If I were you, as soon as the party is over, I'd put distance between you all.

How did the other two back out? Will they be excluded from.your friendship group from now on? They sound great, perhaps they'd be better friends than BabyShowerDictator.

Can we help with the quiz? Is it general knowledge?

[newbian]

The mother-to-be NEVER organizes her own baby shower nor is involved in its planning. I'm American so pretty familiar with this. Ridiculous in my opinion, tell her you can't afford to contribute and move on.

[meditrina]

As you call her a "girl" I am assuming she is very young, and has been caught up in US customs without fully understanding them. But there isn't anything you can do about it, other than attend or not attend the events.

"gender" (biological sex?) reveal parties are so new that anything goes, really.

Baby showers have however been around for ages, and do have a more established etiquette. 'Shower' means "shower with gifts" so if you decide to go you have to take something (people who want parties where gifts are not the whole point need to call it something other than a shower). That is why the honouree should never be the host - because that is what screeches 'gimme'. Also, there shouldn't be a list - the host should do a bit of liaising with the guests to ensure no duplicates. But as "shower-type gift" is a near synonym for "actually quite small/inexpensive" then there shouldn't be that much need.

If you've been to a shower, then there's no need to send anything out her than a card once the baby arrives.

But as the UK tradition of giving gifts is more centred on after the birth (and is often more than 'shower-type'h you might want to hold off until then.

[FeelingSoBlue]

Meditrina ty for the advice, I genuinely didn't have a clue but I had a feeling baby showers originated in America.
I'm not bothering with the fucking quiz. Elquinto ty for your kind offer, if my friend was nice I would have taken you up on it. :D
I have ill mental health so really don't need this right now, she has stated that she fully expects ALOT of gifts, she said she won't be buying baby clothes until she sees what she gets at her baby shower because the gifts will cover her for at least up until 9-12 months :/

[meditrina]

In practice, the honouree and the host cook up a plan together. But it's much more "normal" for this to be in someone's house (tea party sort of stuff). So I'd take the hotel out of the plan immediately. And catering at home (sandwiches, scones, cake, tea, fizz) will be way under hotel costs, and so should help make it affordable.

There's no requirement to have games, but if you know the honouree likes them at her parties, then yes the host does need to come up with them. The prizes could just be little token items, as you're clearly on a budget.

It's really up to host (with an eye to everyone's wishes to decide how much can be spent). It's not up to the honouree to demand.

If what is affordable simply does not match what the honouree wants, then I suggest you have to let her down gently, provide the shower that is achievable, and suggest that if she wants a lavish celebratory tea party, she hosts one herself but does not call it a shower.

[BexusSugarush]

This sounds like a nightmare! You're very patient to be putting up with this. Baby showers are generally a very American idea. My partner and I are having a small coed shower, though. My friend wants to organise it (although we're happily helping fund it) as a little get-together for close friends and family in our home, no gifts, to just give them all a chance to talk to us about the pregnancy and share the excitement with us.

It sounds quite rude of your friend to expect all of this, without contributing to any costs. Maybe someone needs to sit down and talk to her gently?

[FeelingSoBlue]

I apologise if I didn't mention it earlier but it's starting in less than 2 hours so it's already done, I should have come on here way sooner. Never mind.

[elQuintoConyo]

I held a fancy dress Hallowe'en party for my own baby shower, I was a week overdue. Some people bought a little something, some brought nothing but gave a card once ds was here. One awesome friend bought a suitcase full of clothes her ds had grown out of!

Everyone dressed up and had a delightful time. There were around 8 of us in total - inluding 3 menz I got a cheap tank top and fashioned an alien out of green felt with red teeth bursting out of my stomach like Alien .

Actually, it was such fun that I have thrown a Hallowe'en party every year since!

For someone so grabby, I would have gone to Primark and bought a 3-pack of babygros, or a 6-pack of wipes from Tesco

[FeelingSoBlue]

... I may actually take a pack of wet wipes just to be snide. Cheers Elquinto :p

[elQuintoConyo]

You're welcome.

[FeelingSoBlue]

If 'Bev' posts on AIBU asking about somebody giving her wetwipes as a gift you'll all know who to flame ...

[elQuintoConyo]

[nectarini1983]

She sounds a brat! I assume it's her first child...oh she will be in for a surprise when the fun begins he he!

[brookeberry]

Feelingsoblue, you poor thing! But having read this I now feel invested - please tell us how it went!!

[FeelingSoBlue]

Sorry guys, genuinely so knackered I had to sleep afterwards. It was somewhat mortifying ... she had 3 gifts in total, out of about 25 people. Perhaps I'm not the only one who thinks she's grabby?
I worked my arse off decorating the place and I was there before everyone else. She didn't say thanks, not once. Food was awesome, loads of cakes and sweet stuff. My friends flounced onto the scene and declared that a table by the mum-to-be-AGAIN (2nd child) was the 'gift table', a placemat would have sufficed. I won't be buying anything when the baby is born either, she turns up at my childs parties without a smile, let alone a card or gift.

[SirChenjin]

Result!

[elQuintoConyo]

Oh Feeling sorry you had to suffer that - but you can officially dump and move on now.

And fucking LOL at the 3 gifts and I mean that sincerely as I never lol!

[elQuintoConyo]

Please tell me the 3 gifts was a 3-pack of wipes individually wrapped

[MrsPCR]

Meugh, I hate baby showers with a passion and have made it very clear to DH, DM and DSis that I am NOT having a baby shower. I find it a bit rude bc we all know people will probably buy the baby a present when it's born and just feel like this is demanding presents. Plus we won't know the gender, and you can only be excited about so many white/gender neutral clothes......

Plus superstition says don't celebrate until baby is here safe and well.

DH pointed out best friend might try to organise one, but I said she would have to involve either him, DM or DSis and it's their job to make sure I don't! DM agrees with me.