Gender Disappointment

[ChicaMomma]

I feel really awful typing this, the guilt is horrific and i dont quite know what i expect anyone to say!

I'm expecting my second (and last) baby, 17 weeks pregnant today. We have a gorgeous 14 mth old boy who we ADORE. This time i really really wanted a little girl, doesnt every mother want a daughter?

Tried all the tricks- DTD 3 days before ovulation, took calcium and magnesium etc, so when i got the BFP i was SURE it would be a girl, like 99% sure! Had her name picked, everything. Panorama results came back to show... A BOY! I ashamedly cursed on the phone when i got the results.

I feel extra guilt because i have SO many friends who are having difficulties TTC, so i know damn well they'd all kill to be pregnant with their second boy, but all the same i cant shake my disappointment. I'm also afraid that 2 boys so close in age will be stir crazy! How will we cope??!!

Anyhow, as i said, i'm not sure what i'm expecting anyone to say, just looking to put my thoughts down on paper more than anything. I guess i'm a bit worried too that i wont bond with the baby. I hope i will, i'm sure i will, but it's a worry.

[fairyfeatures]

I guess I mean this in the nicest possible way, although my gut reaction is to wonder how anyone could possibly have these awful feelings and I'm sure there will be other readers of this/posters that will absolutely flame you

but I hope this pregnancy is healthy and successful and you don't live to regret these feelings.....

[Hoplikeabunny]

Please don't let anyone make you feel bad about this, it is fine to have a gender preference. It doesn't mean that you wont love your DS2 any less, of course you will love him to bits and will bond with him in the same way that you have with DS1.

I only have DS1 at the moment, but like you i'd love a girl next, and I know that realistically we can only have two children. I know I will be a bit disappointed next time if we're told we're having a boy. However, I will get over it and my DS2 will be as adored and spoilt as my DS1, as will yours

[blowinahoolie]

Once your baby is here, you will not remember feeling like this.

I have two boys, and also pregnant with DC3 (no idea if boy or girl), due any day from now. It doesn't matter to me if it's another boy or even if I have a girl for the first time. As long as the baby is well.

What's meant for you won't go by you.....

[NullaBore]

It's not really allowed on mn but l do understand. But in that when dc2 was confirmed as dd2 l realised how much l wanted another dd.

My dsis went for a third, lots of friends have too. Some have got what they wanted, some haven't. I'm sure you'll love this ds, you do just need to get over the disappointment.

[BeeMyBaby]

I think when you are hormonal and waiting for a baby it's not a good time to find out the gender if you have a preference as you would probably have a stronger reaction than normal. Heck, DH said something to me a couple of weeks ago which normally would have made me laugh but instead I overthought it and ended up in tears. When your son is born you will have lovely bonding hormones

[ChicaMomma]

Thanks everyone, i know you are all correct in what you are saying


Maximama- that must have been some surprise!! So 3 little boys?? I'm sure you wouldnt change them now.

BeeMyBaby- im not sure i agree, although i accept you could be right on the hormone factor, BUT for eg i know someone who waited until D day to find out but had a STRONG preference for a boy- she then sat there in hospital in tears for 3 days with her second girl in her arms. So i'd rather know in advance i think. I'm sure i'll come to terms with it, in fact i know i will.

[blowinahoolie]

Too much fuss is made these days of finding out the sex of the baby. People just took what they got years ago. It seems to bother others around me, asking constantly, if I know what I'm having. They all get the same response. Finding out at the birth is fine. Have two DC already to keep me occupied so I suppose it doesn't really create a huge degree of pondering each day.

[lilyb84]

I don't see why this is frowned upon or 'not allowed' - it seems a perfectly reasonable emotional response to me. Surely there are many things in life which we feel disappointed or let down by for no 'good' reason, which don't attract the same judgement? I think as long as you're honest about your feelings to yourself you'll be able to come to terms with them - and of course once the baby's here those feelings are likely to disappear anyway, or at least become irrelevant in the face of the very real new person in your life!

OP I'm sure you'll bond just fine but here's wishing you a happy pregnancy, and little niggles like this aside... and congratulations!

[RachelZoe]

I have 6 boys!

It'll be fine, people are people, you may well have had a daughter who completely went against all of your pre conceived ideas about who they would have been. You will come to terms with it, it's good that you know now and you have some time to deal with it. Boys are not always the rough and tumble little tornados people make them out to be, try not to define them by the stereotype of their gender and it'll be all good. Congratulations on your new baby!

[Orange1969]

I would like to sympathise, but I can't :(. Sorry.

There was a woman I knew who went and on about wanting a girl after two boys. Her third baby was a boy and she was very vocally upset.

She did have a girl eventually poor kid was festooned in lashings of Barbi pink as mum was making up for lost time

[ThereGoesaTenner]

I wanted a boy and when it came to the 20wk scan I braced myself for finding out it was a girl, I didn't mind either. Turned out to be a boy though. Now if I had another (which I probably wont), I'd want another boy. A lot of women feel like you do, but I bet when baby is born you'll love them regardless.
Nothing you do will change a babies sex. It's whatever sperm, XY or XX, that fertilises the egg, not what you eat or anything. I mean if you wanted, you could try for another in the future. My sister wanted a girl, had 2 boys then the third was a girl. Then she had 2 more boys after that!

[NashvilleQueen]

Out of curiosity why do you want a girl? Only you say that it's the wish of every mother deep down. What do you imagine your daughter would be like? What would you do differently with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

[LoadsaBlusher]

I totally understand how you are feeling
I have two of the same gender...

I was in exactly the same emotional state of mind as yourself and Now I have my two DC ,obviously love my two completely but that longing for what I don't have is still there.

I think it's still a bit of a taboo subject and one I can't really speak about in real life. But I do totally understand how you are feeling

[NoMoreRenting]

I have 3 boys and one girl. dd came second. I was gutted as I hated the whole concept of 'one of each' and how everyone would congratulate us on it. Lots of people did and it made me think less of them. If dd had been another boy, I'd have stopped at 2. As it was, we carried on to 'unperfect' it and had 2 more boys. I think I'm a more natural mother of boys though.

[NoMoreRenting]

Oh and I think the shettles method of 2days pre ovulation for a girl has been debunked. I think on the ingender website and others similar they now advocate ovulation+12hours or something. I read these extensively before trying for dc3 to try and nudge towards a boy.

[CPtart]

I have two boys aged 12 and 10. For them, the absolute best thing has been having a sibling of the same gender. They get on and entertain each other so much, shared interests and activities etc. It's a joy to watch.Once at primary school and beyond though, like it or not, it is still the vast majority of boys who play football and girls who do dancing for example, so the fact that a 2 year old boy may enjoy dolls or paints their nails is irrelevant to me in the long term. It doesn't last. I love the bones of my boys but it isn't true to say once they are here you'll never give their gender another thought. I have thought about it regularly over the years and As old as my two are now, I still think about what having a daughter would have been like.

[2boysnamedR]

I don't think it's as weird as people make out. Look at what a missive site ingender is. People from all round the world. If it's freakish, there are lot of people feeling the same. I don't think it's too strange to want siblings of both genders.

I have three boys, it's amazing to see how close they are. They have each other. Having three boys makes me feel pretty amazing. Imagine when they are grown up, you make them into the men they will be.

I also have a youngest who is a girl. Undoubtedly she will be a mud eating, camo wearing tom boy. But that feeling didn't just vanish. I never talk about it in real life as I would be flamed.

[Focusfocus]

OP please ignore the 2 posters here who have not been able to make sense of these feelings. I cant stand the use of the strikethrough to say something people are reading anyway - what kind of passive-aggressive rubbish is that?! Why is the strikethrough needed at all? Does it indicate that you wouldnt say it face to face in real life but would have secretly judged, and thats what you do with a strikethrough online?

I am having a boy soon. Love him to bits. Of course.

Have always wanted a daughter and will always do. Had a shit relationship with my mother, and see nothing of myself in her. My menarche, puberty, adolescence was spent being terrified of my own changing female body amongst other things. I cant stand shoes, bags, shopping, nails, spas and quite detest pink.Dolls creep both me and DH out. So not sure what a daughter has to do with any of those.

My daughter would grow up safe and befriended. Her first period would not be drenched in shame. Her changing body wouldnt be something for her to hide. Her ambitions wouldnt be put down or dismissed because she is a woman. She would never be adviced to put up with male dominance to keep peace. She would be vocally supported if she chose to pursue high ambitions and lead a successful career. She would have all of this, without a mum being scared, preoccupied or dismissive.

I am all of this - minus the maternal connection. My entire life has been spent uinconsciously seeking out female role models - teachers etc. And yes I have been blessed with a fair few strong women in whom I see a mirroring of my own ambitions and aspirations.

So wanting a daughter isn't always shrouded in pink.

And I will and can do this all with my son - well except supporting through first periods, and helping through female issues etc of course - which was a gaping hole in my own life.

You will love your boys to bits OP.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I'm nearly 16 weeks pregnant with my first child, a boy (Panorama, same as you!). My husband and I also have a strong preference for girlswe'd have happily done all girls, truly. For our next child we intend to have sperm sorting done and IUI in order to ensure a girlare you totally dead-set about two children, or is a third a possibility? We found that the cost of a cycle of sex-sorted IUI is around $1000 and are planning to save for several cycles potentially.

[Sandsnake]

Please don't feel guilty about your feelings OP. What's the point of having an anonymous, online forum if not to discuss things we might not feel comfortable discussing in real life? You sound very rational and level-headed - hope that you get over your disappointment soon and enjoy your pregnancy and DS2

[Trinpy]

You can't help how you feel and there's a big difference between asking for advice about how to deal with your feelings on a pregnancy forum and going on about it for months to everyone irl.

I already have a ds and I have a slight preference for a girl this time (though I would never admit that irl!). My reasons for wanting a girl are completely ridiculous - the main one is that I can't imagine how another little boy could ever be as amazing as my ds - obviously my rational mind realises that this is stupid and unlikely to happen, but I suppose it's just one of those silly pregnancy worries that keeps your mind off the BIG stuff.

It sounds like you were pretty convinced you were having a girl. It takes time to get your head around this stuff but you will .

[NullaBore]

Trinpy l wanted another dd as l felt dd1 was so great another one would be amazing! ( so l do understand your rational reasons )

[Micah]

Sit and make a list of what you can do with a little girl that you can't do with a little boy.

There's pretty much only one thing, and that's teach her to wee standing up. Everything else, ballet, football, shopping, can be done by both sexes.

I have two the same, and honestly, they are chalk and cheese. It's their personalities that you bond with, both their genitalia.

[Orange1969]

Strike through isn't passive aggressive in my case - it's aggressive!

I just can't sympathise with a woman who gets pregnant, knows that she will have a baby with a gender she can't choose, and then whines about it!

It's a little baby!

Imagine that baby, in two decades time, finding out that their mother would have preferred them to be the sex that they are not and posting about it on MN! That person would receive lots of comments about how selfish and ungrateful their mother was.

Have had four miscarriages - every woman who wants a baby and gets pregnant should be grateful for a healthy baby.