Unplanned third pregnancy - feeling stressed and anxious.....anyone else?

[walkers77]

I am 37 and found out that I'm pregnant with baby #3. It wasn't planned (which is ironic considering it took over 3 years to conceive our first). I love my two boys (ages 2 and 4.5) more than anything but there are (often) days when I feel like I can hardly handle two so I am really stressed when I think about adding another baby. My husband is trying to be supportive but I know he wishes this didn't happen, as he is already stressed with work and juggling our boys. Just wondering if any ladies with 3 felt overwhelmed when they found out they were pregnant (whether it was planned or unplanned)? I feel guilty that something that should be happy news is causing me so much anxiety and that I am currently wishing it didn't happen. Any others who have felt this way?

[Finola1step]

Not me, but a good friend. This time last year, she found out that surprise baby no4 was on the way. Big surprise as she had 3 boys in 3 years and her youngest boy had just finished his Reception year. Friend was working pt in her chosen career and was ready to look for new challenges.

She was shell shocked when she found out about no4. It meant converting garage into extra bedroom, buying bigger car etc. Just when she was getting a bot of her life back. But they had the attitude of "Oh well, things will get interesting".

Baby 4 arrived in the spring. Her 3 big brothers adore her. She is a gorgeous and very content baby. And they've just got on with it. I do suspect that the DH has since had a vasectomy.

Congratulations. Give yourself time to let this sink in. It will be fine. And your dh can easily make an appointment with his GP to make sure that there isn't a surprise no4 in years to come.

[notaprincessbutaqueen]

I feel the exact same except I've found myself expectantly pregnant with number 4! I am completely and utterly terrified! I had actually seen my gp about being sterilised just a few weeks before i got my bfp as i was certain i was done with having babies. My other kids are 11, 6 and 3 and I have a 6year old step child. somedays (espec at the moment with it being the summer holidays) that I feel completely overwhelmed and when the youngest 2 are bickering I just don't know how i'm going to handle another one. it doesn't help that my eldest is utterly devastated at the thought of another baby and we've had many tantrums. it has been horrific quite frankly. So you are not alone at all. i'm 24 weeks btw.
However, a third baby does just slot in with the family. it has to. you have a routine and baby has to go along with what your other boys need. And it is an extra playmate. It is definitely harder going from 1 to 2 then 2 to 3. I know once this baby is here it will be so loved and adored and we wont remember what it was like beforehand. Yes there will be moments of being overwhelmed and struggling to cope but no more then there is now anyway. oh and the more you have the less stressed you actually become as you just learn to let things go a bit more and your standards become a bit more relaxed. x

[Mouthfulofquiz]

Hi there! How funny - I'm in exactly the same boat. I'm feeling exactly the same and not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing with myself! I'm even a bit embarrassed to tell anyone - even though I'm 34.
My two are 16 months and 3 years 2 months.
So no advice on having three but I can offer a listening ear and a hand-hold!
I'm currently looking through my Facebook at people with 3 kids, and seeing that they have all survived so that's a good sign!

[walkers77]

Thank you for the responses so far. It's comforting to see I'm not alone. It seems in many cases that #3 causes shock and second guessing, regardless of whether or not the pregnancy was planned. I think I would feel differently if my husband was happy about the news but his current attitude is that another baby might tip us over the edge to divorce so here I am struggling with this idea that having this baby is going to end my marriage (which hopefully isn't the case!) He will be 40 by the time the baby is due (April 2016) so we're not spring chickens anymore and I know this is a big worry for him.

Mouthfulofquiz, it's funny, I actually did the same thing.....I went through my facebook list to see how many others also have 3 and I have told myself that they survived so why can't we?!

[Mouthfulofquiz]

We will survive it - I guess we've all got plenty of time to get used to the idea...
I'm lucky in that despite my total shock, DH is very happy. Im worried about finances and my job really. My last lot of mat leave left us in a very tight financial situation and we won't have paid back all we owe before I'm off again... So I'm going to have to be super super frugal. Forever probably!
My job is very very busy at the moment due to staff absences and so I'm about to cause myself a whole new headache there really. Maybe I will treat myself to a few more days of having my head in the sand.

[notaprincessbutaqueen]

Mouthfulofquiz - my head has been buried in that sand for quite a while! we only told family about the baby 3 weeks ago as we had to as i can no longer fit into any of my jeans. still yet to tell anyone i work with and i have to hand in my letter for maternity leave by the end of next week! gulp! i am only just coming out of complete denial over the whole thing and starting to accept it.
my dh was not happy at all. he initially suggested a termination and has admitted it briefly crossed his mind about leaving. but he came around really quickly, especially after i forced him to go talk it through with his mum who he is very close too. he is now far more excited then me and keeps coming home with baby equipment. its scary and daunting for everyone involved but it will get easier. Wait till you have the first scan and your partner sees the baby up on the screen. They completely change then x

[LostInMess]

Hello,

Similar position to you except older, 36 weeks and DC4. Initial reaction was blind panic now the aches and pains are kicking in, I just really don't want to be pregnant anymore! Like a PP's friend, I too had just started work again and really felt things were getting easier (DC range from 3-7).

But, I did feel similar before, despite all the others being planned. DC1 was 4.5 & DC2 2.3 when DC3 turned up and I actually found it harder than from 1-2 but probably as they were all preschoolers and at slightly challenging ages. And DC2 k
&3 not the best sleepers. And very little help from family and a DH who's out of the house 14 hours a day. But it has been so worth it, they are lovely and while they can fight with the best of them, they're a real little unit. But have different relationships as 2, which is great.

Hormones will play a part in how you feel now, so don't discount those. Top tip would be to get as much support in place as you can and make sure to look after yourself. And embrace the chaos, it's all part of the fun!

[Mouthfulofquiz]

How are you feeling today Walkers?

[undecidedforthird]

Exactly on same boat here. Unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. If I keep it, by the time of birth my elder son is going to be 9 and the younger 6.
I have had an abortion in the past, which I regret. Thus, I keep saying myself I have to keep this baby. But I feel I must, not want. My boys are old enough and at last we started going out again with my husband, bought bikes for family rides etc. Now, it's a step backwards, that's how I feel. Financially we are not great, I have lost my job and husband is working many hours to make a living. I want be able to get a new job and I am afraid I won't be able to provide my two kids, let alone the third...Also, I don't feel I can manage with three children, as I said, their dad is absent most of the times. My husband doesn't want the baby either. Eventually, having understand how much would an abortion cost to me emotionally, he said he will stand by me whatever my choice. But that wasn't a relief to me as I thought.

I am in panic, very stressed and I go in circles. One minute I say I will go for it and the next I am about to call for termination date.

[undecidedforthird]

I am 7 weeks pregnant

[walkers77]

Mouthfuloquiz, I am actually not doing very well today. My panic continues. My husband told me last night that he thinks it's a mistake to keep the baby and he realistically doesn't see it working with 3. It will work if we want to make it work but he doesn't seem to want to so now I feel like if I go ahead, any additional stress caused by this will loom over my head.

Undecidedforthird....it sounds like we are in the same place right now. One minute I think that the only option I can live with is keeping the baby and the next moment I'm wondering if I should consider terminating...which then makes me feel like utter crap. I am so confused and scared and mad at myself. I have actually found myself wishing for a miscarriage....how awful is that?

[barefootzenhippy]

That's not awful at all Walkers, I remember feeling exactly the same when I was unexpectedly pregnant and unsure what to do. I think I was so frightened about making the wrong decision that I wanted the choice to be taken from me iyswim?

I've heard that bpas offer very good counselling, I think it would really help you to talk it through with them before you make a decision one way or the other.

[walkers77]

Barefootzenhippy, if you don't mind me asking, did you decide to have the baby? That's exactly it, I feel like if nature decided the fate for me, it would be less traumatic.

[Bogeyface]

I have actually found myself wishing for a miscarriage....how awful is that?

Its not awful at all. When we are faced with a decision that we know will cause problems whichever way we go, its natural to want that decision to be taken away.

As it is, you are pregnant. You cannot, with all conscience, terminate the pregnancy. So you are now faced with telling your husband that this baby is happening and dealing with the fall out from that.

The fact that you said "I'm wondering if I should consider terminating" means that you dont want to terminate and if you do, that will do as much damage to your marriage as not terminating will do and you wont have your baby. Dont misunderstand me, I am as pro-choice as they come, but you should not terminate under pressure from him.

What will you regret more? Having a termination and losing your husband because of your resentment of him, or not having the termination and losing your husband because of his resentment of you and your baby?

[undecidedforthird]

Walkers I am wishing for a miscarriage too. We talked it over today, he said " I know you need a hug from me right now telling you keep the baby and everything is gonna be okay. But I can't as I don't believe things are going to be okay".
I feel so much alone. I needed a good vibe from him to get optimistic, I got a negative one and I'm pessimistic too.

[ffffffedup]

I felt exactly the same my 2 boys were both at school and I had some career prospects but no3 came in Feb and hes amazing, the older boys adore him he's the most placid pleasant baby I've ever known, daily life hasn't really changed much he's just slotted in with the routine we already. Getting up and out in a morning is the hardest thing. Best advice I can give you is to be as organised as possible, get as much as can ready the night before.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

I'm sorry to hear everyone is feeling worried and stressed

I'm starting to come round to the idea but still petrified of telling work and family and friends!!

Thanks for your positive words fffffedup!!

[walkers77]

undecidedforthird, just wanted to see how you were doing and if you reached any decisions? I thought I was having a miscarriage (had sudden bleeding one morning) so had a scan the following day and they didn't see anything except the gestational sac.....told me I had to come back in 10 days. I spent 10 days hoping that when I went back, they still wouldn't see anything but it was confirmed 2 days ago that the embryo with heartbeat is there. I am still having spotting and part of me feels like something is "off" with this pregnancy but who knows. I am now confirmed as being 7 weeks, 4 days and continue to go in circles with my decision but am fairly certain I have decided that if nature doesn't end the pregnancy, I can't either. We will just have to cope and figure things out.

[OMGBabyNo3]

I was you guys about 8 months ago. V unplanned third pregnancy, DD6 and DS9, did not want anymore and am pushing 40. I decided to let nature take its course as felt if I terminated I may always regret it but couldn't ever imagine looking at my baby and regretting them. I have never been completely on board with this pregnancy but am now 37 weeks and can't wait to not be pregnant and meet this little man-if only I didn't have to give birth again!! I feel now that for whatever reason this was probably meant to be and all will be brilliant (fingers crossed!). Good luck with whatever you decide x

[zannyminxoxox]

Yes I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd and I wouldn't except it. I was starting my career, my other 2 starting school/nursery, sleeping through. Even my husband booked in for vesectomy, which he has had now. I've slowly come round to the idea now and excepted we are having another baby, just anxious for my scan now , to see how things are to get truly in the mindset of 3. Heres to more sleepless nights and nappy changing

[zannyminxoxox]

Accepted*

[undecidedforthird]

Walkers, I thought you lost it and there were moments that I was jealous of you... However, after horrible, sleepless nights and endless circular conversations with my husband, I decided to keep it. I am 8 weeks, 5 days.
I have never imagined my life with three kids, I am in Greece, I have lost my job and things suck in general here, but... I just couldn't terminate. I was desperate and I opened up my heart to my mother in law. I got huge support from her. She cried telling me that she would look after the baby, so I can seek a new job and work as any hours as needed. She strengthened my will.

As I announced my decision to my husband, he simply accepted with a great sigh. During the first week, he was anxious, reserved and didn't pay much attention to our other kids. He needed his time to take it in I guess.

Now, we are coming to normal. I am working with him, helping him at his office and I see the difference day by day. He gets used to the idea. And that't quick, considering that if I had chosen to terminate, I wouldn't get over it that quick, If you know what I mean.
I am very anxious, I worry so much for the future, both financially and physically, but I have a great thing in me, clear conscience, I sleep at nights without regrets.

It's up to us, women. It's our decision. Husbands just follow. They can't do otherwise and if they do, they simply don't deserve us.

I look forward hearing from you Walkers, I hope you feel better...

[walkers77]

undecidedforthird, I'm so glad to hear that you got the support you needed in your mother in law and have made a final decision. It's also nice to hear that your husband is coming around to the idea and that you are able to sleep again at night without regrets. I hope I get there soon too. My husband has seemed okay but since I have had some bleeding, I think he is still hoping that this ends in a miscarriage. I think he has his head buried in the sand still and doesn't want to face that this could be a healthy pregnancy (the heartbeat was detected so chances are good now...) I guess we just need to take it day-by-day and hope that in a year's time, we have a healthy, beautiful baby and can't imagine our lives without him/her. I just hope I reach that point soon where I feel happy about this pregnancy instead of filled with stress and upset. It's also well known between our families that my husband was very happy to stop at 2 kids so I'm actually dreading telling them the news because it will be very obvious that this wasn't planned.

OMGBabyNo3, good luck to you and I know what you mean about the giving birth part.....I can't believe I will have to do that again!!

zannyminxoxox, more sleepless nights and nappy changing makes me want to cry slightly (okay, a lot) but I guess it's only temporary, right? I figure I need to start trying to be positive about this at some point...