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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Young mum

15 replies

Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 03:22

I'm 16 and very close to having my baby but social services want to put me in a mother and baby placement my dads terminally ill and my nan doesn't have much time left. And I can't bring myself to move 45 miles away it would kill my nan and my dad. My dads a good man and my nan used to be a midwive should I try and compromise with a closer placement?

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Report

Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 03:29

Also my mum is a fully qualified nurse and carer for people and young adults with learning difficulties but had to leave work to become a full time carer for my dad

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Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 03:30

Carer**

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kickassangel · 15/07/2015 03:35

hi,

I have no experience or advice, but wanted to bump this for you and wish you the best.

You will get far more response if you re-post this again in the morning. I'm in the US so on a completely different time, but MN starts getting busy just after 9 am UK time, after the school run.

Wishing you all the best.

FortyCoats · 15/07/2015 03:43

Hi, sorry to read about your Dad and Nan. You sound very close to them, it must be a scary thought to be so far away.

I don't see any harm in suggesting it though I'd imagine they will have sourced the nearest available placement. Do you know of another you could go to?

Is there a possibility of staying at home and attending a mother and baby day time placement?

If closer isn't possible, what about asking for transport a couple times a week?

I'm in Ireland so not sure of procedures and policies elsewhere I'm afraid.

Congratulations by the way ????

Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 04:05

There is closer placements this is what I don't understand and I am very close to my dad and nan my nan cared for me for 5 years and my mum and dad supported my decision. A lot of my family stopped talking to me due to how my baby was conceived as it was due to rape while I was still 15 and now they want to take me away from what little bit of family I have

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FortyCoats · 15/07/2015 04:43

I'm sorry for what you've been through and are going through. Have you a case worker? A counsellor you can talk to and explain how you feel?

I don't want to ask you too much but without knowing a bit more, I'm not really sure what could be suggested.

I think it's fair to say you have options though and, at 16, you can voice your concerns, fears and wishes and be heard.

If you're feeling like you're not being heard there are voluntary organisations who I'm sure you could talk to and you may find, as they deal with similar situation, that they can offer some more options than the one you're currently being given. As I said, I'm in Ireland so I'm not sure what organisations exactly but I'm sure if you post here again in a few hours there'll be someone who knows.

You not able to sleep?

Bellabutterfly2014 · 15/07/2015 04:56

Hey Megan - great advice from forty coats - I'd get in touch with your social worker tomorrow and ask to have a chat - tell them how you feel - I would hope they'd understand you wanting to be near family that's very important.
I wish you all the best

ARV1981 · 15/07/2015 06:39

Do everything you can to get a closer placement. You won't get the time with your dad back, and that's what is important.

My darling dad died two years ago and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I couldn't have spent every day possible with him after he got his diagnosis. I did end up having to not see him for an entire week when my fiancee (now husband) had septicemia and was in intensive care for a week. It has taken a lot of counselling to get me at a place where I don't feel guilt for leaving dad (as it was he completely understood, and said I did the right thing) for that week. It was touch and go with my dh so I could have lost them both.

What I'm trying to say is your instinct to be close to your father and Nan is 100% the right thing to do. You're in for a tough road ahead, but your relationship with your dad (and mum) must come before social services logistics or whatever reason they have for wanting to place you so far away. I think its appalling that you're going to have to fight them for a place closer, but that's what you're going to have to do.

As for what happened to get you pregnant in the first place - what a horrible thing to happen to someone so young (well, anyone obviously but worse when it happens to a child). I find it strange that the rest of your family have stopped speaking to you due to you being raped - they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

I hope your baby brings you joy and love.

I wish I could be of more help. And I'm sorry all I can say is words and don't know of a practical way to help you other than saying "you have to fight for something closer" - which you already know.

Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 07:14

My family was displeased to know I wanted to keep the baby even though it was a rape. My mum understands because she went through a rape at the same age as me. Also any advice for any teens or even adults on her... NEVER EVER take a drink at a party if you have not had the drink in your hand the whole time because you can never trust anyone even friends

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ARV1981 · 15/07/2015 07:33

You family (that's stopped speaking to you) should definitely be ashamed of themselves. Choosing to keep your baby was a choice you had to make, not them. They should be doing what loving families do, and supporting you in your choice not ostrasizing you. I guess you know too well now that old saying about choosing your friends but not your family.

What a tough lesson for you to have learned at such a young age about drinks at parties. The person who did this to you was never your friend. I hope you know this now and are circulating with better people. Trust is hard to feel for anyone when you've been through what you've been through - I only hope you can work on ways to overcome this feeling and get to a place where you can trust people again. I wish I could say and do more to help you

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/07/2015 08:26

Hi Megan, so sorry to hear about your situation. My mum is a foster carer and takes in mum and baby placements. She has never had one from a local area though. They (placements) are few and far between. Is the placement to see how you cope with the baby? And is the baby under any child protection/child in need assessment?

The reason i ask, and i askreally don't wish to upset you but feel its better you are fully aware, is that some mums have to attend these placements as a condition of their baby not going into care. It can seem very unfair, especially given your circumstances, but I would hate for you to not go to the placement and it have a negative affect.

Presumably social services feel there is too much going on at home already for you to receive adequate support there, and that is understandable.

I would echo what others have said about requesting a closer placement, and regular contact home if one can't be find. But also find out if you really have a choice in the matter.

SS where i live sometimes use temporary accommodation through the council, and do more of a day assessment while the mum and baby live there semi independently. Worth asking. X

Good luck.

mummyneedinganswers · 15/07/2015 10:09

I would suggest you go through the situation again with your social worker.. I know how it can be am 19 and have a social worker due to being in care. Talk to them about your concerns and issues. And discuss other placements closer to home, although it may be the best decision for you and your baby to go to the mother and baby unit for you to get support and to prove to them that you can cope even with everything going on. I really hope you get what you need support wise. And your doing a very brave thing being in this situation, I'm sure your going to be a fantastic mum good luck x

mummyneedinganswers · 15/07/2015 10:14

I would also echo what nottalotta has said as I have 3 friends who have had there's kids taking off them, although situations a lot different they didn't have the family support but when they refused mother and baby units the kids were put in foster care. I would advise you to compromise with social services and if needs be you may have to just get the placement over with, but insist on regular contact as you still need your mum just like your baby needs you x

Megan220715 · 15/07/2015 11:47

They fear I'll suffer with post natal depression due to circumstances of my pregnancy I was doing volunteer work at sure start at 14 helping children at the ages of 7-8 bake and do crafts and things like that. They claim that I'll do great as a mum but they just want to make sure

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mummyneedinganswers · 15/07/2015 12:12

I would suggest you do it and once you prove that they will be less concerned they have to ensure the welfare of this baby is going to be OK and the people in the unit would be there to help you grow as a new mum

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