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How to break it gently.

(21 Posts)
TheABC Tue 14-Jul-15 20:17:21

I am one of a trio of couples that are also best friends. We have house shared, been on holiday together and been best men/bridesmaids at each other's weddings. I have a DS and another couple have just found out they are expecting. We are all slightly worried how to broach the subject to our mutual friends who have also ttc without success. What would be the most tactful way to do it, taking into account their feelings?

Appleblossom82 Tue 14-Jul-15 20:19:33

Text message when you know they will be home and together.

Appleblossom82 Tue 14-Jul-15 20:21:39

Just something like 'exciting news. We are expecting again in xxx'. Keep it simple.

TheABC Tue 14-Jul-15 20:31:11

Mmmmmnnn.We are going to get together this weekend. Really hope it won't be too upsetting for them.

Kvetch15 Tue 14-Jul-15 20:34:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Appleblossom82 Tue 14-Jul-15 20:41:42

Oh gosh i thought you were pregnant too.

Whatever you do, dont let them know 4 of you have been talking about it and feeling sorry for them, thats the worst thing you could do.

The other couple should just send a casual text announcing their news. If they cry off your plans this weekend, dont make a big deal of it. They may just need a bit of time to get their heads around it. Alternatively they may be fine.

Definitely dont do a big announcement in.person/in a group. That would be horrid.

TheABC Tue 14-Jul-15 20:43:44

Agreed kvetch, it is not. The get together was planned before anyone knew. I am only asking as pregnant friend is anxious and I am a bit of a social hippo (and don't want to make things worse). This is not about us being "the big grown up parents".

mrsatkinson Tue 14-Jul-15 20:43:46

my dhs cousin and wife have been ttc unsuccessfully for years. their first round of ivf is this month and they find out whether it is successfulabout when our twins are born.
we get 2 after 4 months of trying and they have years of disappointment and ivf.
they have been nothing but kind, excited and supportive of us. if they care about you as much as you care about them they should be happy for you and your other friends.
it should be easy to tell them, dont make it a huge deal. i understand the guilt, me and dh felt it, but they should share your and your friends joy. smile

TheABC Tue 14-Jul-15 20:47:03

Thanks, Apple.

Appleblossom82 Tue 14-Jul-15 20:51:30

Thats ok. We were ttc for 11 months and just before we got our bfp a friend announced a mutual friend's pregnancy to me over lunch. My good mood vanished and i had to struggle through the next couple of hours pretending everything was fine before going and crying in my car.

Face to face is not good!

sizethree Tue 14-Jul-15 20:56:40

I think it's great that you're being so considerate. However, it's not really your news to share/break - unless you're looking for advice to pass on to the couple who are expecting?
As someone who has taken a while to fall pregnant and suffered recurrent miscarriage, I know only too well the pain of friend's announcements. But equally I've become very resilient, so do be careful not to be patronising.
My best advice would be to not sugar coat it or get OTT. Be factual and straightforward. Maybe something like, 'we are expecting a baby in -insert month here-. Really looking forward to catching up with you both soon.'
A agree with other payers that a text when you know the couple will be together is best (don't do it in working hours - I received a Facebook message on my lunch hour from my former bridesmaid announcing her pregnancy and it was very tough).
Don't second guess how you think they may take the news. It's up to them in private how the digest it.
Just make sure you don't come across as pitying them in any way.

Paperblank Tue 14-Jul-15 22:25:03

It took us 18 mths to conceive and in that time there were a lot of pregnancies announced and subsequent gorgeous squishy babies born to various friends and family.

It is so hard when you are praying for a bfp and it feels like everyone else can do it so why can't you??

I threw a pudding across the kitchen, sobbed hysterically for half an hour and swore like a trooper when I found my sister was pregnant for the second time blush. I was thrilled for her but angry that we still weren't pregnant.

A lovely wise poster on here said that there are plenty of babies to go round - just because your friends are expecting doesn't mean that there is one less baby for them.

The baby they want is their baby, no one elses - they will be thrilled once they've had chance to absorb the news just as I was about my DSIS pregnancy.

FWIW I think you sound very clued up and sensitive thanks for you and wine for your friends.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 14-Jul-15 22:31:40

I know exactly how you feel, as am currently waiting for good time to break the news to friends that I am pregnant. I have a scan this weekend and am seeing them immediately after, but certainly will not mention it. Probably I will text them, after work, a few days before I see them next.

Then they have time to grieve, rage about it and come to terms with it before having to see me. We tried for 13 cycles including a MC, so I hope they will be happy we managed it in the end, but it doesn't make their wait any better. sad

bluishskies Wed 15-Jul-15 02:20:02

Just to add a different perspective. DH and I were ttc for 3 years before being successful thanks to IVF. In that time, my DB an DSis both had babies. I was so happy and excited for them even though I knew that both babies were unplanned. We didn't tell anyone that we were ttc because I didn't want anyone to feel they had to tiptoe around us or worry about how we would feel. And we didn't feel anything but sheer excitement because we knew that other people's ability to reproduce had no relation to our's.

My point is, your friends may have accepted their situation and be perfectly fine about the news. But I would keep it factual, just in case.

ChicaMomma Wed 15-Jul-15 14:04:09

I'm in the exact same position. It's awful. My 2 best firends are TTC over 2 yrs and in that time i've had 1, with another now on teh way. Dreading telling them, cannot imagine how i'd take the news myself- i mean i'd be happy for them but SO sad for myself.

I wish it was a god given right for everyone that wanted kids that they could just have them. sad

misssmilla1 Wed 15-Jul-15 14:16:55

Your friend should text them in advance of meeting. They'll probably be really pleased for them, but it might take a while to get over the surprise news (and this is from someone who was ttc for 18+ months) and this way it doesn't put them on the spot on the day you're meeting up.

measles64 Wed 15-Jul-15 14:20:23

I knew my friend would take it very badly, we worked in the same offices she had a number of miscarriages due in part to being diabetic. I asked her husband to break the news over the weekend. She took it very hard. My SIL who tried all their married life could not cope when I got accidentally pregnant with third I did not see her from the day we told them until well after the baby was born.

sleepyhead Wed 15-Jul-15 14:28:56

Your pg friend should email/text (my personal preference when I was ttc to allow sobbing in private if I was feeling fragile), or phone in advance of the weekend.

I would be matter of fact, not treat them as some sort of poor soul (no virtual head tilts or there theres), but let them deal with their emotions in private.

Under NO circumstances let them know you've been discussing it like this - hideous shock . I know you didn't mean it, but the us and them thing is hurtful.

sizethree Wed 15-Jul-15 14:38:01

sleepyhead your last sentence is a really good point.

ChicaMomma Wed 15-Jul-15 15:08:25

sleepyhead i think you're right- email or text so that they can digest the news in private. It's bound to hurt, so let them be hurt on their own rather than in public.

GoooRooo Thu 16-Jul-15 18:54:26

I TTC for five years before having DS and in that time one of my best friends fell accidentally pregnant. She told me in an instant message on Facebook - which sounds hideous but actually was good because I could say lovely congratulatory things to her in text without her seeing me crying! I would hate to think I would spoil someone's happy moment for them even though I was heartbroken and disappointed for myself - I was still happy for her.

I agree with all the other posters that a text from the pregnant couple is best.

The TTC couple may distance themselves for a while, just don't make a big deal out of it.

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