full term impatience, arousal and triggers

[alittlecloud]

Hey
i am a first time mum, of a little boy, due on the 11th. I don't have any mum friends due to my young age, and tendency to alienate everyone, so i don't know who to ask - but i am having some very noticeable changes the last 3 days

1) i am SO impatient, i am terrified of him arriving, i am scared of the pain, but despite this i want this baby out now!!! i am so fed up, and feel like he is never ever gonna arrive... ever... i know its only 38 weeks but i am so impatient its really bizarre, its overriding my terror and sensibility. Whether its because i want to lie on my front again, not be a pink whale anymore or have baby cuddles i am not sure - but how did anyone else work through it?
my mum just laughed and said she eventually went into hospital and yelled at them till they did something... she seems to find this whole thing rather amusing :p

2) I have always been highly sexed; however since hitting 37 weeks, my arousal has shot up. I have heard people say this is normal and its all the hormones and everything, but it NEVER ENDS! my partner goes to work, and i end up sorting myself out 7+ times a night before he comes back and then sex occurs. As soon as the impulse hits i have to chase it, have to sort myself out - but nothing sates it. Before the arousal was coupled with memories or dark thoughts, and now the level of sexual behaviour is triggering my C-PTSD so i would really really like to tone it down, as i keep finding myself crying or hating myself because i have no control or i feel like i am back in previous events.
It just seems my body will not let me... its like if i don't do something about it my head will explode or i will actually die of horniness. I have never experienced anything like this, and i would quite like to watch tv or chill without having to sort myself out straight away!!! Anyone found really good distraction for the horniness or alternative to masturbation??? i think 7 times in 2 hours on top of sex during the day has become excessive and its making me actually feel worse.
((my apologies for inappropriateness or TMI, its just if i just say i masturbate lots, everyone tells me just to relax and do it, when really i would like to not need to or have some control a bit))

3) as hinted, i have C-PTSD, linked with the conception of baby and history of sexual violence sad face. I am finding that the closer to birth, i am being triggered by everyone discussing labour, conception, how my body will break or not be the same again... It sets off memories of how it happened and panic attacks about incidents in past... So i rarely talk about the pregnancy because they don't seem to understand how i can be happy one minute and then trying to climb under a table the next - but i am very nervous about my reaction to labour and contractions. I had very painful Hicks this week on numerous occasions and it directly set off deep set memories and i almost disassociated. We calmed down (my partner and i), and spoke to all my support workers and midwife and i have tonnes of support, but i am terrified - terrified of how the sensations of labour or knowledge of whats happening, inc potential scars or damage to body will really cripple my head.

I am nervous the midwives wont understand, will insist i am happy throughout it, or excited, i am worried they will bring up the genetic father constantly, and me and my partner will be left trying to explain things over and over again. I am nervous if i go back into a memory fully, i will not register anyone in the room or do something really bad... I am terrified i will look at my little boy and see the father and not be able to look at him again... I am most nervous about seeing all the excited and happy mums in the wards, and trying to keep a smile on...
I made the decision to keep baby, which was a painful personal one, but despite being pro choice and an advocate for the right to terminate in any circumstance, i just couldn't... i was instantly attached to the little peanut despite my head state. Unfortunately some people believe by making that decision i should be okay with all of this, but i am not...
Will the midwives understand? my midwife says they will and they will be prepared with psych teams and baby will be safe as will i, but i cannot believe them. I need to believe i will love my baby when he is born as much as i love him now... that i wont be broken once i have given birth... and that no one is going to try and MAKE me smile or be happy if i cannot....

I think i also need to hear that enduring these triggers, carrying him and the change to my body will be worth it when he is here and i can cuddle him up... That this will remain a memory and my life with my boy will make up for all of that pain.

I am sorry for the essay and evident insecurity, i was trying to keep it concise and unpersonal, but i have clearly failed - i think i need to get this out of my system or get some advice from people who aren't my mum, my support workers or child services people, and isn't going to somehow tell me its my duty to involve the genetic father despite what he did, as its "only fair", and i chose to keep it ((my dads opinion :( )). Any advice or reassurance on any of these points will be amazing
thank you

[Jellybean100]

I really don't have much advice apart from the one thing re midwives bringing it up or expecting you to be happy/excited. Midwives do come across women in your situation frequently, though not regularly. Please have a word with your community midwife and ask her to sensitively record the information briefly in either your notes or on computer system. It will be handed over midwife-to-midwife and the community midwife can make sure when she records it that she states not to ask/mention genetic father. That said they may just assume current partner is the father and if you are happy with that then go along with it.