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Fed up of early mc's

(10 Posts)
Tentaclesa Thu 11-Jun-15 20:36:39

Have been dipping in and out of the pregnancy boards for a couple of years, but sadly still haven't managed to actually get to the point where I can join them! I don't even really know why I'm typing, I think I'm just feeling incredibly lonely and short on hope.

Just had my third (very) early mc, but as they have been over the course of 2 1/2 years, I don't feel like I can go to the doctors about it, as at the moment we are not actively ttc. Even DP doesn't know about this one. I was going to tell him that I was pregnant on Weds, got very excited, and started bleeding slightly, so decided to wait until the weekend to see what happened. Horrid cramps this morning, and then found a tiny "seahorse" in my mooncup at lunchtime. It isn't a good time for a baby at the moment, things are too uncertain, but I am so fed up of all my yummy mummy friends who keep complaining about their child-filled lives. They just assume that I don't want children, and seem to use me to rant at about everything about parenting, which seems to make it worse sometimes. I have never been able to tell them just how much I want children, and dp is quite "if it happens it happens" about it. I just feel so alone. Bah humbug. I love my dog, but it really isn't the same!!

TreeSparrow Thu 11-Jun-15 20:43:31

I'm really sorry to read this and to know you are suffering by yourself. Be kind to yourself. Can you tell your DP and share with him how upset and lonely you feel? Obviously that's a decision for you to make but it might help you to recover if you aren't suffering alone. I hope he is supportive and can comfort you through the loss.

Sorry that's not much help flowers

I would encourage you to see your doctor to explain the losses, they may be able to offer some investigation.

Roseybee10 Thu 11-Jun-15 20:48:49

Oh hon, so sorry for your loss.
I had two early miscarriages 3 years ago, (within 3 months of each other) and I know how awful it is.
Every other couple in our families was pregnant and we kept getting constantly asked when we were going to have a baby.
We lost our first at 8 weeks on the day hubby's nephew was born and it was just awful. Had to go to the hospital and hold him and pretend it was all ok when I felt like my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces.
I was terrified I couldn't have children as I have auto immune disorders.
My tale does have a happy ending though. I fell pregnant with dd1 right at the end of 2011 and she's a happy, healthy almost 3 year old now. Got drunk in May last year and hubby and I weren't careful and I'm now putting my 4 month old dd2 to bed right now.
My cousin had exactly the same thing happen to her with 3 early mc and she now has a 2 year old.

I'm only saying this because it was success stories of women who had multiple early miscarriages that gave me hope and kept me thinking it was possible one of our beans would make it. My older daughter's middle name is Hope because of this.

I really do hope you have a healthy, sticky little bean very soon. It's the most horrible thing to go through but please don't feel like you're alone xx

luxliving Thu 11-Jun-15 20:50:22

That's horrible, Tentaclesa. Can't you talk to DP about how you feel?

Itscurtainsforyou Thu 11-Jun-15 20:58:55

Really sorry - I've also had miscarriages and they're really tough.

I would advise you to chat to your GP and explain. Some are more sympathetic than others so please don't let them fob you off. They may say that as your miscarriages aren't "on record" they can't do anything, but please push them for referral to a miscarriage/fertility expert who might be able to run some tests to look for any obvious reasons.

It is hard when other people seem to get pregnant and have babies so easily (although to be honest, there may be things that they've had to deal with on the way that we don't know about). I've swayed between making non-committal comments to baldly stating "I've had x miscarriages, it's obviously not as straightforward for me" or similar. Some people just don't think when they make comments.

Hope you manage to get some answers.

Tentaclesa Thu 11-Jun-15 21:45:24

Firstly, can I say thank you very very much for replying. I have been so scared that I am somehow defective, and now I'm in my 30's I'm worried that it is a slippery slope of infertility from here on it, but knowing that others have gone on to have little ones is wonderful news. I keep telling myself that I will appreciate the baby so much more when it does get here!! Roseybee, your story is heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been, but I am so glad that you have told me about it, and your choice of middle name is just beautiful. It made me smile properly for the first time all day!

I think the main reason I'm scared of telling dp is because we weren't trying, and I am now firmly back on the desperately wanting babies wagon (it calmed down to just a "normal", being able to see babies without being in heart-wrenching pain level a few months back, after years of disgraceful jealousy towards any mother or mother-to-be, which left me so ashamed of myself), whereas he is a little more reticent. I lost my job 6 months ago, which is why we stopped ttc, and I am still looking for something stable. I'm worried that he will double, triple, quadruple the defences if he knows that something went awry, which is probably the sensible thing to do, but it breaks my heart at the same time. I just feel like I'm getting older, and each egg counts now! But I also feel like if I don't tell him then I am being very sly and devious, which is not what I want at all! I will tell him tomorrow night when I am feeling a little less raw, and then at least I can go to the doctors and see why I am so broken!!

Tentaclesa Thu 11-Jun-15 21:50:47

P.S., itscurtainsforyou, I think I may follow your approach re. friends. I rather want to hold hands with you and make friends, as it is so nice to know other people are going through the same thing. I have been a bit braver with some over the past few months when they have mentioned my childlessness, and have said that I do want children but they haven't happened yet, but have never been more explicit than that. I have one friend who has had a birthday "ruined" by the arrival of a son a few days before!! I got very cross in my head, and then get cross with myself for being so judgemental!

Tentaclesa Thu 11-Jun-15 21:51:43

Aaah, that sounds awful, it isn't "nice" to know that you are going through the same thing. I am so sorry!!

Roseybee10 Thu 11-Jun-15 22:19:08

I totally understand why you feel that way about telling DP but at the same time, it's an awful thing to be going through on your own. I only managed to get through it all because DH and I were holding each other up and getting through it together. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and see how he feels and figure out where to go from this together.
I had some tests done due to auto immune condition to rule out blood clotting disorder etc. I definitely think you should see your GP. They could look at tests to rule certain things out (daily aspirin can be very effective if it's blood clotting issues) and offer some emotional support and potentially counselling to help you get through it all.

I know that gut wrenching feeling of seeing other people with babies and feeling so helpless. It's so awful.

I hope you can have a chat with hubby and hold each other and grieve together for your little baby that was so recently lost. I think once you see that line on the test you become a mum because you fall in love with that tiny little bean. You're already a mummy, your babies just couldn't be here for you to hold. Everything crossed that your next one will be able to. Xx

Brummiegirl15 Thu 11-Jun-15 22:49:09

Hi Tentaclesa

I'm so sorry for your losses - I've had 3 mc's in the past year, it's just devastating and you can't quite believe it.

Why don't you come and join us on the recurrent miscarriage thread 25 - hand holding, tests and trying again?

If you go to body & soul, then miscarriage we are usually top of the list. Lots of wonderful ladies on there - myself included and we've all been through, and are going through what you've been through. We are all trying different things, such as the Coventry implantation clinic and we've had a few thread babies, some after 5 mc's!

Come and chat to us flowers

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