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How to tell IVF friend you're prefnant

(16 Posts)
LoveLetters Mon 08-Jun-15 17:12:08

Third pregnancy after two Kids. My best friend of 10 yrs has now had two rounds of IVF and its devastating for her. We had a falling out last year and didn't speak to six months. We have now started talking and will be meeting soon to put things back on track. I'm so happy to be her friend again. But how can I go and see her and say... Oh by the way I'm pregnant. I just think it will start things off on the wrong foot and after not speaking for 6 months I am so worried about telling her and not upsetting her. She isn't a spiteful person but anyone in her situation would feel upset at the sound of anorher pregnancy.. How do I do it without harming our just growing again relationship. So worried

KatyN Mon 08-Jun-15 17:14:55

I had to tell a friendrecently. I sent her a text so she could have a cry/ rant on her own or with her dh. She was amazing actually and said that people have been telling her for so long she's used to it. I do know she was very offended when someone didn't tell her because they thought she would be upset.
Congratulations.. It does take theagic away a bit

BadgerFace Mon 08-Jun-15 17:21:59

I think that texting/e-mailing before meeting can be best for lots of people so she can process the information/cry/be upset for her own situation before seeing you, by which time she can hopefully be happy for you.

I personally didn't mind friends telling me face to face when I was doing IVF but texting first might be better safe than sorry.

Of course if your friend is the sort to easily take offence she will do so regardless of how you tell her!

Emma321q Mon 08-Jun-15 17:22:15

I agree with KatyN. As someone who took a while to conceive ( now pregnant with first baby) it was always easier to hear someone else's good news by text or email. That way I could accept it/ feel a bit sorry for myself before replying or seeing them in person. If your friend is anything like me they will be genuinely happy for you it will just take a few minutes for them to realise it!

Stepawayfromthezebras Mon 08-Jun-15 17:24:07

I agree on the texting or emailing. It's not nice to feel ambushed by pregnant people when you're struggling to conceive.

A text or an email gives her a chance to react to your news and put on a brave face for when she sees you face to face

LilyWasThere Mon 08-Jun-15 17:40:30

Talking from experience....just check she's not going through a cycle before you text her.

One of my friends chose to tell me, albeit by text, on the day I had my egg transfer and it was awful. Had she waited a week, I would have dealt with it a lot better!

MuddyWellyNelly Mon 08-Jun-15 17:44:50

Yup after 4 years of infertility, I hated face to face announcements with a passion. I wanted to be able to swear my very best swear words in private. It was never anything to do with the person who was pregnant, on a personal level; it was always "it's so unfair, why is it easy for some people and so hard for me". But it's particularly hard when as in your case it's a 3rd pregnancy if you haven't managed even 1 of your own yet.

No-one who feels this way is proud of it, we all hate that we've become so angry; yet there's no controlling it either. Rationally we all know that there aren't a finite number of babies available, but it doesn't help the emotions. So let her release in private, and give her a chance to process. When you do meet up, don't completely ignore the topic if it's unavoidable (if you are showing, or throw up in her loo or something!) but try not to give it much attention. Focus on the friendship part smile

Stinkylinky Mon 08-Jun-15 18:07:58

I text my friend who was going through IVF off the back of advice on here, it backfired big time! I was accused of minimising her situation and I should've gone round and told her face to face.

To be honest, I think if I had done that, she would've told me a text would've been easier so she could digest the news in private etc but this was just my unfortunate experience. We are no longer friends sad

I hope it goes better for you OP and congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

LoveLetters Mon 08-Jun-15 18:33:03

Thanks so much. I think I might do that. Text her first x

sophiaslullaby Mon 08-Jun-15 18:56:51

I had similar situation and was scared/worried and thought 'do i need to tell her'? -yes, she's going to wonder why your carrying round an infant in 9months!! So i chose to email my friend but kept the tone as more 'informative' than 'in your face celebratory'. She was absolutely wonderful -although did take a day to respond - but then we arranged to catch up where we talked about both our situations. So i personally am happy i emailed and gave her chance to digest the news.

scarednoob Mon 08-Jun-15 19:28:11

I think texting is a good idea. I would be upfront and say something like, "I appreciate that this might be difficult for you, so if you do need some time to deal with it, I will completely understand"

scarednoob Mon 08-Jun-15 19:28:37

.... but perhaps put in a way that doesn't sound like a corporate lawyer talking to a client!

PJ04JCW Mon 08-Jun-15 19:51:08

Thanks for the advice on this thread! I'm 6 weeks pregnant and have a variety of friends who this news may upset, and I have been worrying about what to say and how to say it. Two who have had cancer and now can't have a second child, one whose multiple IVFs didn't work and one who had a miscarriage a few months ago. It was so easy five years ago when I announced my first pregnancy and none of these situations had occurred ��

batfish Mon 08-Jun-15 19:54:39

I had this worry with a good friend who has been TTC for 7 years and has had 4 unsuccessful rounds of IVF and takes pregnancy news very badly sad Like others have suggested I told her on email so that she could react however she wanted to in private and then we could talk. We have had some good chats since and she has been really honest with me about how she feels but without making me feel guilty. And I have said to her I understand if she can't always be happy or excited for me and I won't mind if she ever has a negative reaction when baby talk comes up during group chat. Horrid thing to have to do, it's just so unfair when people who would be such fantastic parents don't get the opportunity.

newbian Tue 09-Jun-15 08:46:11

Email is better than text, at least you can put a subject line that warns the reader of what is to come e.g. "Family news" or "Announcement". If I was struggling with infertility and a message popped up on my phone saying that a friend was pregnant, I think that would be harder to take.

Stepawayfromthezebras Tue 09-Jun-15 08:46:24

Stinkylinky I'm so sorry your friend reacted in that way. I've been trying for 2 years and would have much preferred to find out by text or email. But it does sound as if you'd have been damned if you did and damned if you didn't

I'm now 5 weeks pregnant and one of my friends has just had her first failed IVF cycle, we've been a big support to each other over the last couple of years. When the time comes to tell her (touch wood) I'll be texting her a couple of days before meeting up so she can have time to digest the news.

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