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I just want to hide(7 Posts)
I am pregnant and miserable and I don't know what to do.
I nearly left my husband before Christmas due to him visiting professional dominatrixes over the last 10 years.
Didn't think I could get pregnant - was thinking about IVF. Been trying for 6 years.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant - this should be such a happy time and its not.
My business is failing, I am trying to wind it up- but been very difficult - I have no motivation, serious back pain issues which stop me from doing a lot and it breaks my heart that it has gone to ruin and I am in serious financial difficulty, looking at putting the business into receivership. The business was due to be sold but for various reasons it has fallen through and now dwindled to best part of nothing so I will be in lots of debt rather than having a little nest egg.
I also owe the Vat man a couple of K and haven't been able to pay it. Started just ignoring letters.
Meant to be going to work with my husband full time - in a job that depresses me.
All my friends and family are so excited about my pregnancy I just feel dreadful about the whole thing. I can not get excited. I wanted this for so many years and now its here, I am not happy, this makes me feel even worse.
I felt so dreadful for the first 16/17 weeks with morning sickness. Luckily I was working for husband - if I had a proper job I would of been sacked for being quite as rubbish as I was.
I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it because I am so embarrassed by my husband's behaviour, didn't want friends or family finding out, picking sides, judging etc.
The whole world thinks we have an amazing marriage and the couple of friends I have hinted to about there being a problem have been so surprised, but I haven't wanted to explain any further as I don't want them judging me or him.
He is a good man, I used to think one of the best and he has promised me it has stopped and I believe him - just about.
But I am now paranoid, checking his diary and emails to see if there is any further contact - there isn't.
As I get bigger and feel less and less sexy, my feet have swollen up to troll proportions - it worries me.
I am paralyzed with - well I don't know what. Each day seems to drag but I achieve almost nothing. The baby will be going in a drawer at this rate. Until my business is gone there is no spare room, no space for the baby.
I have not got anything ready for him arriving. Don't even really want to.
I wanted to bring my baby into a financially stable, loving world where he was wanted and treasured and all there is now in uncertainty.
i just thought it would be good to say all of this - I haven't said any of it to anyone, I need to deal with my business and preparing for the baby just don't know how or where to start. Just thought it might help to write this stuff down.
Didn't want to read and run. . I can't offer much other than virtual hug and the reassurance that pregnancy is a very hormonal time, and coupled with the understandable anxiety about your professional/financial/emotional situation, it's not at all surprising that you are feeling very down. One thing I can promise is that your baby will not care one way or another whether he is put down in a beautifully decorated nursery or in the corner of living room - all that kind of stuff doesn't matter.
How does your husband feel about the baby? Getting things sorted out is a job for both parents, not just for you - don't take on the whole burden on your own.
Wish I knew better words to help.
10 years? Jeez... What made you stay? Doing that for that length of time doesn't equate to being a 'good man'. Did he ever leave or suffer any consequence or did you just carry on? Have you ever had any counselling? You're still living with the doubt and worry. Do you trust him?
Please don't ignore letters, can you set up some sort of repayment plan? Does your DH know about the debt? It should be both your issue, not just yours.
Your baby won't care where it sleeps. They need food (bf is free!), clothes, nappies and somewhere to sleep and lots of love and cuddles. There are some decent second hand prams out there.
So you've never told anyone? That's a hell of a secret. You need love and support right now. You're in a vulnerable place and need everyone around you. Is your DH not contributing to organising baby stuff? You're both going to be parents and it's a team effort not just down to you.
Your got too much on and too much to deal with. Let your family and friends help you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I don't really know what to suggest but maybe start by making a list of small manageable things you can tick off to make you feel better.
•calling vat man and arranging an affordable payment plan
•discuss your worries with someone you trust
•maybe look on ebay or gumtree at some baby things, cot/pram ect and get an idea of how much it would cost to get the essentials
•sit down with your oh and tell him how you feel and ask and discuss what you need from him to feel extra supported and to feel like you can gain that trust back (my partner had an online fling/sexting relationship a few months before I got pregnant, I had already made the decision to stay with him but I wanted to talk it out a lottttt)
•maybe see someone about your financial situation and your business and get some good solid advice about the best thing to do
So sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not surprised you're feeling down. There are people out there who can help you and it's important that you get the help that you need, for your own sake as well as your new baby's. Try speaking to your midwife or GP explaining that you are having a difficult time and they may be able to put you forward for nhs funded counselling. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it could help to speak to someone who doesn't know you and won't judge you or your situation, and having the comfort of knowing that's it's confidential may help.
I really hope that your situation improves and that you find some peace. X
I'd suggest making an appointment with Relate. If you want to stay together then you need to work through the trust issues and find a way to not feel so angry - otherwise it just won't work.
As others have said,
Don't try to sort this all alone. Impartial or someone close, support is crucial.
Also the financial problems need tackling head on, on a good
as any day.
Baby will only care for love and food!
A suggestion for moving forward with your husband (with only the snip-it of insight and different to leave-the-bastard), can baby been seen as a new chapter for you both. Have all sorted that can be before he arrives, so that the new chapter can begin. Old things left in the past, not necessarily forgotten but worked through. Giving all three of you a chance for new found happiness together.
Hope you find the strength you need for whichever path you go down.
Virtual hugs x
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