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Angry and bitter at ex partner and family(10 Posts)
Hello, I apologise for the following rant, but I just need to get it off my chest.
I'm 34 weeks today. When I was about 18 weeks, my partner moved out, saying he couldn't live with me as I had pre-natal depression. Since then, I've seen him from time to time, and he has helped me out on rare occasions with things like mowing the lawn and putting the baby stuff together. He has asked if he can come back several times, but he doesn't treat me well, going in a mood over the slightest thing and telling lies, so I have said no way unless he changes, and then he sulks and gets bitter and nasty, saying I've ruined his life.
His dad and step mum promised me they would keep in touch and would help me out. The last time I saw them was at christmas. Since then, I've had about three texts from his stepmum asking how I am. I rang his dad a couple of months ago and he was really frosty with me. I told him how deeply upset I was with the situation with my ex and how worried I was about raising the baby alone. He just replied coldly 'I'm sure you'll be fine'. My ex's sister hasn't contacted me once.
I will have spent the majority of this pregnancy alone, with little or no support from my ex and his family. I feel completely let down by them and think they're a selfish, self-righteous bunch of as??oles who only care about themselves.
I'm not sure if things will change when the baby arrives. The way I feel right now is I never want to see any of them as long as I live. I know my ex will want to see his baby, but I'm not even sure if his dad and step mum are remotely bothered about seeing her. When his stepmum asked how I was coping in a text, I said I was struggling and finding it hard to cope with housework due to pains in my joints. She just replied something along the lines of 'oh well, it will all be worth it in the end when you have your baby :-)'. She could have offered to come over for a couple of hours one day to help me out one day, but no. With my ex's sister however, when she was pregnant, they bent over backwards to help her out and showered her with gifts for the baby and then when the baby was born they were wonderful with her. His sister also has a husband who dotes on her, does most of the housework and wouldn't let her lift a finger while she was pregnant. She's a spoilt, pampered, selfish brat in my opinion, lived with mummy and daddy until her late 30's and wouldn't know what it's like to struggle in a million years. I know I must sound jealous and to be honest, I probably am.
Anyway, rant over. Sorry to be so negative, but just needed to get it all out.
To be fair though why would they help, you are not their relative and while it would be nice if they wanted to help, you are not their responsibility. You also do not know what your ex is telling them about you. Of course they are going to help with their own daughter. We're you close to them before?
As for the ex, he sounds like a arsehole. He is the one who should be helping you out and your problem lies directly with him.
How about your own family, friends? Could they help you out?
Sorry that ur going through a rough time! Ur ex does sound like he's being an ass, so maybe it's a good thing u put ur foot down now.
About his parents though, of course they would act that way towards their daughter -IMO the bond is completely different than what u have with them (obv I don't know the situation or how close u were before so I could be wrong!) sorry if that doesn't sound very supportive..
Ur ex should be the one offering to help- could u explain to him how you feel?
I had the same with Ex Dp. This is going to be a very unpopular opinion but something I desperately wish I'd done- I would seriously think about not putting him on the birth certificate. If he's anything like my ex (and he sounds like he is) then he will swan in and out as he pleases treating the baby as a toy and a novelty and flaunting his rights over you because he is entitled to contact regardless on any effect it may have on the baby.
Dd is now 4 and hasn't seen her dad in 18 months, she's finally got over the dissapointment of him letting her down and not looking after her properly.
He's now contacted me again demanding contact all on his terms with no thought to DDs feelings or routine or starting school. It's all about what he wants and when I have come back with an alternative to his suggestions he threatens court. As yet still no contact but a lot of stress and hassle. I doubt dd will hear from him more than once before xmas and it'll stir up more upset for her.
His family is not much better.
I'm not saying this is the best option for you, I don't know your situation but for me personally it is my biggest regret that I put him on the bc and fought so hard initially for contact between them. He doesn't care even if he said he does and it's all about him and his guilt. DDS feelings don't factor in.
The ONLY plus is that he legally has to pay maintenance if he's on the bc. If you can live without the money, I would.
Good luck xx
(I had a dinner making break part way through writing so only read the first 2 responces!)
Sorry this has happened to you! Unfortunately I don't think your ex will change much, it will be hard but you'll be better off in the long run if you plan for little help from him. Is there anyone else who you can rely on to help you?xx
Thanks everyone for your responses. I have thought about not putting my ex on the birth cert, which was actually my midwife who suggested it. I guess I have a bit more time to decide. MishMooshAndMogwai, I'm really sorry how things have been with your ex, he sounds completely selfish with no consideration for you or his daughter. I hope the situation improves for you.
Mir certainly is something to think about. I would have never considered it at the time though!
I think it's really important to maintain contact with the father and always keep the option for the baby to contact him if and when they ever want to BUT this man obviously isn't stable father material and generally they like to sweep in and balls things up when the mood takes them. I'm not saying that not putting him on the bc will prevent him doing that but it'll certainly reduce the power he has over you.
Like I said though, if he's not on the bc then he doesn't have to pay x
I'm sorry you're having a rough time sarah, it sounds like you're much better off without him.
Just wanted to mention something though, your ex doesn't need to be on the birth cert for you to claim maintenance. The CMS (used to be CSA) will take your word for it that he's the father and pursue him for maintenance. If he claims he's not the father to get out of it, they'll offer him a DNA test (it'll be at his cost since he is the father) and refusal to take the DNA test is seen as admitting he is the father. Just in case that helps your decision.
Thanks for correcting that flavia I didn't know that
Sarah I can't imagine how you're feeling. You'd have to be a pretty shitty person to leave your partner when she's pregnant, and it doesn't seem like he really cares either (sorry)
I would expect his parents to be ashamed of him, but the way they are acting makes me think he's told them things about you to make himself look like the good guy. It's their grandchild ffs, how can they be like that?
Anyway, I am an outsider so don't know all the ins and outs, but I wish you luck.
Oh and next time you need the lawn cut, baby stuff sorted etc, get a friend to help you, don't ask him - he obviously can't be relied on. Don't deny him access to his child but don't let him walk all over you either.
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