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Pregnancy

Anyone with advice plz

16 replies

nisha7780 · 06/05/2015 15:54

I'm sorry if this is not the correct place to post but I'm just feeling so low I need to get it off my chest.

I have just moved to the USA from the UK not out of choice but to support my husbands job (to which he travels 2 weeks out of 4) and just found out that I am the 1% of people where the combined pill has let down and that I am 8 weeks pregnant (not planned,sorry to say not exactly the best timing) so apart from the sheer shock of the matter, I'm having a breakdown.

I don't know what I expect to gain by writing it down but hopefully it is going to help.

I moved here in Miami in February and at this moment in time have NO friends at all, we could not live in the city where all the meet ups and such are because I have moved with my absolute world (German shepherd dog) and because of her size we could not live in a condo and the houses/space In Miami were just unaffordable, so I'm slap bang at the end of the suburbs where everyone keeps themselves to themselves and to be honest none of my neighbours actually speak, I don't have a work visa either so getting a job is not an option and I have just been refused to volunteer because of the insurance impact on a pregnant lady.

I hate to say it and please don't judge but circumstances in our life/Health etc I have never wanted children however I feel grateful for the fact I'm 35 husband 40 and we have been able to conceive naturally not even trying when I know so any people who have been trying desperately for years.

Basically though I just don't know where to turn.
I'm an expat (which is hard enough itself) with no friends living 6,000 miles away from home and everything I know.
Just got the shock of my life being told I'm pregnant.
Baby due mid December which means I won't be able to go home as planned and will be spending it alone as my parents cannot afford the flights at that time of year.
Husband only gets unpaid paternity which we cannot really afford either.
Will possibly cost up to $10,000 to actually have the baby (which we don't have).
Husband works away mon to Friday 2 weeks out of 4 so I spend most of the time on my own anyway never mind the doctors appointments/scans on my own.
And even when he is here he is working 14 hour days.

I just simply want to go HOME then at least I will be in familiar surroundings with my family and friends around me, however our house has been let for a year/car sold etc so my husband says it's impossible as he was made redundant and took him 9 months to find this job in the USA (no jobs for his skills in the UK) and it can't be done financially, so I just feel TRAPPED and ALONE and now with the pregnancy hormones etc it's just getting worse. And to be honest I think my husband LOVES it here so we are on total different pages in our life book, so now I'm starting to resent him in that I feel like I have lost everything material and emotional in my life. I just want a nice simple life but my husband is always chasing the stars better job/more money etc and I would be happy with him doing a 9-5 half the money so I can see him more. The best year I had was the 9 month we were living off his redundancy money, we pulled together and made inexpensive fun and when we did do something it felt like a treat, I had a job I enjoyed, now he is away all the time and still working at midnight and generally stressed out.
And I just feel like a conveyer belt of washing/cooking/cleaning etc.

I know I should feel grateful but I look at one set of friends I have back in the UK they live in a modest house, with a 3yo, both are just on UK minimum wage and they have 1 holiday a year as a family and I find myself envious of this.

I just don't know what to do would be very grateful if any other expats who have been in this situation could offer me some advice.

Please be kind I'm feeling low enough as it is I don't need people being nasty if they reply it might just tip me over the edge.
Thanks for listening

OP posts:
FadedRed123 · 06/05/2015 16:03

oh Nisha you poor thing, you sound very lonely and I hope that the responses you get will help you to feel that you are not alone.
Very unMN hugs!!
Does DH know how you are feeling?

Glindathegoodwitch · 06/05/2015 16:18

Hey Nisha

I feel for you, I really do. I mean this in the nicest possible way but maybe the pregnancy has just brought to life how unhappy you are, who you are with and doing what you are doing. You need to explain this to your DH.. and if you're both after different things dear, I am afraid it may be time to move on and move home. Easier to say than do, but if you feel like this at this stage, may be things will get worse.

You have options and you need to consider them all very carefully

Sending you vunMN hugs!!

LorryHen · 06/05/2015 16:25

What a terribly stressful situation you've found yourself in.

To me it sounds like baby or not you need to move home. Living a life with no friends no family a husband there half the time isn't good for you. Has your husband not noticed you are unhappy?

When I found out I was pregnant I found it very easy to focus on the negative things and didn't realise until I was 13 weeks that I was actually very happy and excited.

Do what feels best for you. If you aren't happy then move before you make a decision on the baby. A move isn't permanent and something like a termination is.

Good luck I hope you feel better soon x

lauraa4 · 06/05/2015 17:00

Hi Nisha,

What a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you I really do. I haven't experienced exactly what your going through but I do not what it's like to move to another country and have no one around you but the people you live with. My family and I moved to Australia in 2003 (not my choice but had to go!). Looking back it was a fantastic experience for me but I returned to the UK only 4 years later. People said I was mad but I've never regretted it for a second. You never truly know what it feels like to be living in another country away from everything you know until you've actually done it.

My advise to you would be to try to stay strong, talk to your friends and family on here to off load your stress. I seriously suggest you talk to your husband about this as it's a life changing situation for anyone. Firstly I think you need to figure out If you having this baby, and if so how to move forward. Would you still be looking forward to your new life if you weren't pregnant?

always here if you need a chat x

geekymommy · 06/05/2015 17:02

Does DH not get health insurance through his job? If he doesn't, Planned Parenthood of Miami might be able to help you find affordable prenatal care in your area. They could also provide an abortion, if you decided to go that route.

Whatever you do, don't go to a crisis pregnancy center. They will not give you an unbiased look at your options. They will very likely preach their version of conservative Christianity to you (which may be Catholic or Protestant, depending on the center). They will lie to you about abortion. They might lie to you about your pregnancy to keep you from trying to get an abortion. They might try to scare you with graphic videos of abortions. They might give you some baby clothes, but they are not likely to help you find affordable prenatal care.

FlorIxora · 06/05/2015 18:27

Hi Nisha,

I think the very first question is : Do you want to have the baby? (regardless of circumstances).

I think you really need to answer that before you do anything, it's not clear to me from your message.

I have been an expat and I know Miami a little (it was our hub when living in the Caribbean). I don't know in which suburb you live down there but folks are pretty friendly and laid back in Miami. I would say I know its' s sh*t but it takes a good 6 months to start feeling less bewildered and more at home when changing countries (i have lived 4 foreign countries I know the adaptation pattern).

Go on the internet and find a Florida UK expat forum. This will help. You may even meet people your age.

Do further research and find shops in Miami and surrounds which cater to Uk expats. Being able to buy Yorkshire Tea and custard creams goes a long way sometimes.

Again go online and research doggy groups which meet up for walks in your area. Even one meet a fortnight can have a great impact on your well being.

I would advise you take deep breaths and not act rashly re husband or moving back. The truth is you can probably make it work and find yourself a community in the States. You've only been there a couple of months and now you're pregnant. You're entitled to have a freak-out. Give yourself credit and time.

Re work, why not get counsel from an immigration lawyer to get a full understanding of your position and of the process which would get you back to work.

re birth, are you absolutely sure of your insurance (or lack thereof) position?

In the meantime if your early pregnancy symptoms are not beating you up too much walk the dog a lot. It's good for your mental health and people with dogs tend to have that instant connection. You could make a friend.

Take care Flowers

nisha7780 · 06/05/2015 21:25

Thank you so much to everyone that has posted without judgement.
I will try to answer a few bits here (sorry if I miss any was not expecting such a positive friendly response)
Yes my husband knows exactly how I'm feeling and his answer is that we can't go back to the UK as he doesn't want to and that he will sort it here to make me happy (however when I ask how I'm never given an answer) I have lived abroad before in Singapore for 2 years and hated that too (I am very very close to my family in the UK and missed them terribly) my husband does not speak to his family hence why he says he has nothing to go home for.
I don't have a car at the moment and Anyone who knows the USA will understand that also makes life that little bit harder to get around and meet new people and do new things as cabs cost money as I'm always told by DH, to the Lady that asked I'm right next to the Everglades in Miami so at least 45 min by car to the nearest hub of activity shall we say.
I have my general reservations about the baby as I'm sure every first time mum has and if this happened in the UK I feel I would have enough of support around me that I would defiantly feel a bit better about it being unplanned, but here all I can think of is that I don't want to do this on my own without my loving friends and family around me.
I know how much I adore my dog that no doubt I would be the same with my child (as she has been for the last 6 years) my fears are the future things like its 2 weeks old and my DH goes away for 5 days what on earth do I do ? And I know people have successfully been single parents and I take my hat off to them I really do but usually they have some sort of network friends/family to help out even if it's just a cuppa and a gossip.
We do get a subsidized health plan but for example I have just been to the docs today for a repeat prescription and it has cost me 3 hours of my life $40 and another $30 for the pills. I don't understand it too much yet but seemingly we have to pay 40% of all the bills and my DH pays $75 a month for this privilege.

As for going home I do think that would help but my husband has flatly refused to go home with me as he says its financially impossible also he said if I leave its my choice and he will not support me (I am reliant on him with not working) paying out mortgage or anything else (basically if I go I'm on my own with nothing) and he will not pay for the dog or my 2 cats to go approx£7.000 to get them home so he is holding them ransom because I would NEVER leave them behind and he knows that.
So I could get them home with savings I have but I would have no house (couldn't afford the mortgage on my own) no job (no one would employ now I'm pregnant no doubt) not a scrap of furniture (it's all here) no car and a baby to provide for to which I have nothing either, I'm sure people would rally round and help as much as they can but I've never been one to ask for anything. When everything goes my DH way he is the nicest man you will meet, but throw a spanner in and he just basically tells me to leave so I feel I have no support there either, he never makes allowances ever, every difference we have ever had he just has an argument takes himself to bed and doesn't speak till I say sorry. Sorry again ladies for dulling your day with my misery but I do find it is helping getting it off my chest x x

OP posts:
geekymommy · 06/05/2015 21:47

Yes my husband knows exactly how I'm feeling and his answer is that we can't go back to the UK as he doesn't want to and that he will sort it here to make me happy (however when I ask how I'm never given an answer)

I don't have a car at the moment and Anyone who knows the USA will understand that also makes life that little bit harder to get around and meet new people and do new things as cabs cost money as I'm always told by DH

As for going home I do think that would help but my husband has flatly refused to go home with me as he says its financially impossible also he said if I leave its my choice and he will not support me (I am reliant on him with not working) paying out mortgage or anything else (basically if I go I'm on my own with nothing) and he will not pay for the dog or my 2 cats to go approx£7.000 to get them home so he is holding them ransom because I would NEVER leave them behind and he knows that.

This is troubling.

The lack of a car is a problem. I've lived in car-dependent suburbs in the US, I know how isolating it is to live in one without a car (this is one reason why I will never voluntarily live in such a suburb again). Are there any plans to get you a car, or is the idea that you will be dependent on his shuttling you around?

nisha7780 · 06/05/2015 21:59

I'm supposed to be getting a car after my birthday as dh is waiting to get a bonus from work, because we are expats they charge 4 times as much on credit so at this moment we can only afford 1 car, hopefully he gets this bonus or that's going to be another issue ??

OP posts:
purplebiro · 06/05/2015 22:02

I know it's easy to judge from here and I am sure we're not seeing the full picture of your marriage here but I have to say your husband is not coming off at all well in your account of him.

You say you have a close relationship with your family at home - have you told them? Do they have anything to say about your situation? It sounds to me like you need some support and it doesn't sound like you're going to get it from your husband.

geekymommy · 06/05/2015 22:16

When everything goes my DH way he is the nicest man you will meet, but throw a spanner in and he just basically tells me to leave so I feel I have no support there either, he never makes allowances ever, every difference we have ever had he just has an argument takes himself to bed and doesn't speak till I say sorry.

This is troubling, too. No, he's not coming off at all well.

lexyloub · 06/05/2015 22:37

First thing first - practicalities aside do you want the baby? If you do you'll find a way to make it work. You need to put yourself 1st not your dh his feelings obviously need to be taken into account but ultimately you need to make your own choices. How does he feel about the pregnancy? Is he happy about becoming a Dad?
It's scary for everyone when they find out they're pregnant it's very natural to panic.
Find out what's available in your local town, is there any ante natal classes you can attend, any mother and baby groups you could join, if there's not maybe start 1. You could advertise it in a local paper push leaflets through doors use Facebook etc there must be other new mum's or mum's to be in your town it's a great way of meeting new people and build up a support network for when your dh is working away.
If being away from home with a newborn is really not what you want could you move back to the UK to live with your parents for maybe 6 months. Come home at the end of your pregnancy (you'll get nhs care for delivery and post natal ) & stay until baby is in a routine your confident being a mum etc. could your dh use holidays and paternity leave to visit regular I know not ideal but you'd be home alone in miami half the time anyway so it makes sense for you to be surrounded by family who can help out in the beginning. Your baby will never remember the 1st few months of its life so will not know that Daddy wasn't there every day .

newbian · 07/05/2015 04:28

I can relate - we moved to a new country in February and I got pregnant right after we arrived. I have very few friends here and we are far from family. We were TTC however so not a shock as in your case.

I don't know you or your husband obviously but from what you have written I think you are letting your emotions get the best of you. Of course when you tell your husband you want to go back to the UK while pregnant, he is going to be upset. And you have raised a lot of concerns about money re: car, insurance, etc. so perhaps he has a point that you can't afford to go back to the UK and between the two of you maintain two households in different countries. His reaction is not unreasonable in my opinion.

A car is a necessity - I grew up in the American suburbs so completely understand. Do you need to buy one on credit? What about a used car? I had several friends in college who were foreign students who had no problem buying cheap but practical cars on student job salaries. Maybe that would be a compromise from the ideal vehicle, but you'll be mobile.

In the meantime I'd be very surprised if there weren't any social groups in your town, it's not very common for suburban women/moms in America to go into the city center to socialize. And Americans are extremely friendly, much more so than Brits (I say this as an American who lived in the UK for many years - I'm sure I'll be blasted for it but oh well). Try saying hi to your neighbors as you walk the dog, you'll be surprised all of a sudden you'll be getting invited to BBQs and coffee dates.

Good luck!

TheMidnightHour · 07/05/2015 15:37

You need to decide if you want this baby, and then the rest will be easier to work out. I think you also need to talk to your DH seriously about what you BOTH want your lives to be like. And then you need to decide what's right for you, independently of what's right for him.

I agree with the poster who said your DH isn't coming off well - it may not be financially sensible to move back to the UK, but that's not the only concern here and threats are not appropriate. He's not helping you make a decision together, he seems to be trying to hold you hostage. I don't know how your DP would take care of pets when he's away for 2w at a time anyway Hmm

Having moved a lot (including internationally) I understand that it can be hard to find people you want to spend time with in a new place. It's definitely easier if there are expats around, as locals (even in the friendliest places) aren't so keen to find new friends as they already have a life.

Regarding the financial aspect of it - if you're not working, the money saved by using NHS care may counterbalance the costs of flights and living expenses? Could you find work in the UK? I'm pregnant (23w) and finishing a temporary contract, so it's certainly possible to bring in a bit of money without having to lie about your plans for the rest of the year.

Really hope things look up for you soon.

Skiptonlass · 07/05/2015 16:52

As an expat myself, I can totally relate. It's hard moving and not easy to meet people.

I have to say, your husband isn't exactly covering himself in glory by your account. You need support - where you get that support is your biggest choice here. Do you think you'll get it from him? If so, he needs a frank talk about what you need from him. That means his time, and financial support. He needs better medical cover at his work - in the U.S. You will have various plans to choose from, and he needs to talk to his work about that.

If he's not going to support you, I'm sorry to say it, but look at moving home. Can you stay with your parents and get a job before the baby is born?

geekymommy · 07/05/2015 17:39

If you want to have the baby, and doing that is going to cost $10,000 that you don't have, then is it more financially impossible to stay in the US or go back to the UK?

I don't know how child support in the UK works, but I'm pretty sure that in the US, he couldn't tell you to leave and refuse to give you any money for child support. He's the father, he's on the hook for child support, doesn't matter whether or not he wants the baby.

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