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Please give me strength - 11 days until my section and my depression has never been so bad

(26 Posts)
Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 17:00:05

I suffer from very bad mental health problems (various ones including ocd, anxiety, depression, BPD etc) .... I've had severe depression through out this pregnancy which is one of the reasons they have agreed to an elective section 12 days before my due date. But I honestly feel NOTHING. Things are so bad inside it's not even describeable. I feel utterly empty. When I picture holding my little girl in my arms beside my lovely (but all be it emotionalness) OH I feel nothing. I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I don't feel excited. I feel empty. Devoid of all emotion. I don't know how to deal with this. Anyone any tips? I really want to feel something when I see my baby girl but I feel so empty I can't imagine ever getting better let alone getting better in 11 days.
I am heart broken over this x

MissTwister Sun 03-May-15 17:15:20

I'm really sorry you are feeling so awful. What you feel like now will not be how you always feel, remember that.

Do you have a mental health nurse or other support person you can call for a chat about this as they may be able to help you allay your fears? I think it would be a good idea to get in touch with them.

Wishing you all the best in recovery xxxxx

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 17:23:24

Thankyou for replying. I have many people I can talk to. This is why I
Don't think I will ever recover from this bout of depression. Ever. Because anything that someone with bad mental health could have in place to help them, I have and it makes no difference. I have a specialist psychiatrist, a councillor,cpn's who see me
Weekly and a wonderful midwife who also sees me weekly and a supportive family ... But here I am STILL as miserable as ever. I just can't see me ever not feeling this way when I have everything anyone like me needs to get well again and I'm not getting any better sad has anyone ever had all the support in the world yet felt like they weren't going to make it through but they did in the end? X

MummyPiggy87 Sun 03-May-15 17:35:41

I don't know if this will help. But my mum has a mental illness its a form of schizophrenia which she's lives with but it only really ever shows when she has a breakdown or is depressed, over workered etc.
I've been told by family members she didn't cope with being pregnant at all with my sister. She actually got so bad to the point she set fire to the curtains. She got sectioned and then realeased I'm not sure if she could take her medication that wasn't meantioned, but regardless, she had my sister and she bonded with her straight away and till this day has been an incredible mother. Despite having to live with her mental illness which has seen her back in hospital numourous times, she's got through it. She also had me too obviously and again she's always been amazing. So just try not to think about it too much, the love will just be there.. And if not from the offset it will in time x

WineCowboy Sun 03-May-15 17:40:56

I had ante natal depression with my second and felt the same as you. The second I had her (c section too) it lifted and I felt it go, literally I felt it lift.
I have had bouts before but nothing like that so I hope the same might happen for you. flowers for you and good luck.

spanky2 Sun 03-May-15 17:49:14

This feeling nothing is a symptom of depression. I have had severe depression on and off for about eight years. You must tell your doctor so that when your baby is born you can start treatment . Try not to think having a baby should make you feel a certain way. When ds1 was born I didn't love him. It probably took about three months. When ds2 was born I loved him straight away. But now I love them so much. It sounds to me like the depression has taken hold. It is so insidious you don't even realise. I was suicidal in the summer. With the right medicine and exercise outside works for me I am so much better. Trust yourself that you can get through this. It will be good to share how you feel with your doctor so you can get support and medicine in place.

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 17:51:12

Thankyou wine and mummy. Although sad to hear that your mum suffered mummy, and that you suffered to wine, it's also nice to hear that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I keep praying on and off all day every day that this will lift. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. But every day is just horrible. I never had this with my first. Yes I had terrible anxiety and I was very down after he was born and my mental health took a bashing, but I never felt THIS particular feeling. Even in the beginning I felt a bit down, but a good movie and some munchies always cheered me up a bit. I used to look forward to the end of the day when the other half would be due home and we would watch a film or even jumping into bed at night myself watching a good programme would make me "feel" something nice. Now it's nothing. I go for a bath, get into clean Jammies, pick a good film and I feel nothing. I feel deflated even. Like I even say to myself "what was all the hype about there then cause even this isn't fun anymore" .... I hate life so much right now x

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 17:53:00

Cross posts there spanky sorry. Yes it's totally taken hold. It's got its arms right round me and it won't let me go. I feel like I will end up losing my
Mind and losing my
Kids and ending up in a psych unit sad

spanky2 Sun 03-May-15 17:53:22

Try cognitive behaviour therapy. Exercise outside really helps too. Maybe your medicine isn't right for you. I felt like I was wrapped in bubble wrap and had memory blanks on citralopram but started getting better on venalfaxine.

spanky2 Sun 03-May-15 17:58:13

Yes I thought I would get my dcs taken away too. Again it's the depression talking. Be honest with your doctor. I have high anxiety too. I asked my doctor if I'd lose my dcs and she reassured me. The fact that you know you feel different is a good sign as you are self aware. Seek help. You sometimes have to hit rock bottom before you can feel better.

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 18:06:03

Definitely no doubt in my mind I feel different. Very self aware and know this feeling isn't "right". Is it a good sign I know this and I am self aware? I have told my
Doctor and everyone how I feel but there's only so much they can do medication wise at this stage in preganancy. What scares me most is thinkkng I will still feel this way when she is born and in fact the raging hormones of having a baby will send me over the edge sad I just don't know how to be happy again or how to feel anything again. I remember well a time that I did and I do fight daily to get back to that place but I really can't x

spanky2 Sun 03-May-15 18:13:36

I think being self aware is good as you know to ask for help and do things to get better. I needed to have my antidepressants increased you may need to after your baby is born. Also crazy pregnancy hormones and anxiety are also not going to help you feel better. Telling you not to worry is abit redundant as if you have anxiety you will! Being aware that anxiety will affect how you feel will help you question the validity of what it is telling you. For example I was sure my dcs were going to be taken from the soft play centre. I actually felt sick with fear. They weren't taken so now I can question that feeling.

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 18:19:05

Thanks for talking to me. I Feel fear, I know that much. I've never had great mental health but usually manage to "snap" out of it. This one seems hopeless and endless. And although I don't think I'd ever go through with it I do think about how Id love to not be here anymore sad

Gintonic Sun 03-May-15 19:12:13

Hello, it sounds to me like you are setting goals for yourself which are too high. You shouldn't be aiming to get better in 11 days - the days leading up to childbirth are hard for anyone, especially for you when you are ill and limited in what medication you can take. Set yourself small goals, just getting through each day, and tell yourself you have done well when you mark each day off the calendar.

Not everyone feels instantly "in love" when a baby is born, it can take time, and the real bond develops over months and years as you get to know each other.

Love is more than just a feeling. Worrying about your child is a form of love, not taking medication to look after his/her health is a form of love. Even if at the beginning if you are just going through the motions, physically caring for your baby is a form of love too. Good luck and go easy on yourself.

Halleberry Sun 03-May-15 20:13:41

Thankyou. I just hope I can get through this without losing my
Mind. Thing is I just don't know how to let go of this hood it has on me. There feels like no point in anythin at all. Up til last week I would get some joy from being with my son. This week, even spending time with him is empty and joyless. What a terrible thing to say but it's how I feel. Not a single things makes me happy or fills me with anything. All I feel is deep deep sadness 24 hours a day sadx

MistressKatherine Sun 03-May-15 21:22:28

Hi Halle.

Can I just say how sorry I am this is happening to you. Depression is an evil thing. I always describe it as being trapped under a duvet in bed. You are aware of the outside world but can't seem to reach it.

How you are talking at the moment is down to the depression. It is the illness not you. You are still in there, believe me, and you will surface at the weirdest unthinkable moment. I know it doesn't feel like it will ever be right again. I know I can't convince you otherwise. But you WILL feel better. You can get through this. Hang in there and it will sod off.

It is amazing you are as self aware as you are. Give yourself lots of credit for this. The illness wants you to feel bad so every chance you get you need to praise yourself for the positive things, even if they are small. Keep seeking help too, as often as you need to. You deserve to be better and you can't do this alone.

I have so much admiration for you. Keep trying, small steps every day and you will get there. You are allowed to feel shitty so don't beat yourself up. Xxx

TwinkleTee Mon 04-May-15 12:07:25

Hi Halle

I'm not sure if I have anything else useful to add, but didn't want to read and run....

You sound like you are really in tune with your thoughts and feelings and I'm sorry that you feel so rubbish at the moment.

From my experience all you can say is that feeling this down and awful is how you feel exactly now. You can't predict how you will feel in the future or how you will react in a certain situation. It is entirely possible that you might feel waves of love for your child, but then again you might not, or you may feel something in between which is less definable. Unfortunately we are not fortune tellers!

Like the above poster said, just try to get through every day/hour/minute whatever you can manage. Take the pressure off yourself and just figure out how to get through the right now, that is all you have control over.

Sending super vibes your way

katsnmouse Mon 04-May-15 18:05:04

Hello smile
Sending strength and positive thoughts your way. I totally understand your post, I had ante and pnd, and felt numb after the birth of DD1. That feeling of nothing, no emotions is horrible. It is so draining. I also thought it would never get better, and i spent the first few months of motherhood 'faking it till i made it'. It will get better, keep thinking that, it may take months or years but you will feel better than you do now. If you want more support , take a look at the PANDAS foundation, they have a helpline which offers support
x

SSSMITH87 Mon 04-May-15 18:18:46

Hi there,
I've been suffering myself from depression and awful anxiety on/off for last 6 years and pregnancy brought it back well and truly. I'm sorry you are suffering too sad
Aswell as taking citalopram from as soon as I had my breaking point of realising I needed help, i also started acupuncture. It's something I never imagined I'd do, but it's helped. ALOT. I Was desperate and so i tried something a bit alternative. It helped me relax and gather my thoughts. The guy who does it deals with the physical elements of my anxiety, e.g. Knot in stomach, heart racing etc. I understand it may not work for everyone, you need an open mind and a dedicated acupuncturistm but I know from past experience, you get desperate and become willing to give anything a go if it can help bring you back.

X

geekymommy Mon 04-May-15 19:04:10

But there is something you have now that you won't have for much longer. You're pregnant. That can make depression worse, and it also limits the medications that your mental health team might be willing to use to help you.

You really can't know what is going to happen to your mental state after your baby is born. Nobody can. We wish we could predict that in general.

Halleberry Wed 06-May-15 19:50:14

Thanks for all the kind replies. Had my psychiatrist today and we had a long chat and he has decided to put me on Setraline Aswell as quetiapine so that it hopefully kicks in and is in my system and hopefully working by the time baby arrives. I won't be Breast feeding anyway (I will need all the help I can get so other half will be joining me for all the feeds to lessen the pressure). I'm terribly frightened of what the future holds. I'm so frightened of never being "normal" again. And I know this is not something I should be worrying about and I'm not really but it's something that was brought up today and got me thinking that I will never be the same again. My best friend was saying how she is looking forward to our usual summer bbqs and a few wines out the back door this summer. I can't imagine drinking alcohol again. The thought actually frightens me. That's not like me because I've always been a hostess of bbqs and beer/wine nights. And it just showed me how My life just won't be the same again. I won't ever enjoy a simple life
Pleasure like a glass of wine with my best friend on a summers day. I can't even imagine sitting and enjoying a movie and a quiet night with my other half let alone anything else. I try and take one day at a time but i jump to far into the future and I scare myselfsad I pray these meds work for me. I'm tired of feeling this way. I almost feel like I'm not even human anymore. Life In general seems surreal and strange to me x

SSSMITH87 Thu 07-May-15 20:28:17

Everything you described is how I felt the first time I was depressed/anxiety ridden, so I totally sympathise and get what you mean, the good news is that eventually and little by little you start to feel you again, it takes time but be patient with yourself and keep fighting. I'm in my second bout of depression/anxiety now whilst pregnant and although it's not as bad as the first time, it takes a lot of energy to keep strong and what keeps me going is knowing it will get better and I know at the end it makes me a stronger person. However to get to the point I am at now has taken weeks, so it really is a slow process, i reached rock bottom and slowly worked my way back up. Its bloody hard work though!
It will make you a stronger person at the end of all this, because you will get through it.
Hope I'm helping by saying all this. Keep strong!!!!
X

AbByG25 Thu 07-May-15 20:44:56

Hi I suffer from depression and anxiety. The doctors let me stay on my medication for my pregnancy but I was referred to a perinatal group to help with mental health. I know how you feel I'm only 29 weeks and no longer want to be pregnant. I know this is bad as it's a miracle but when you feel down its hard to get back up. Go to your doctors and explain everything they will be able to refer you to the right people and help you.

I am sorry you are going through this x

Halleberry Thu 07-May-15 21:39:21

Thankyou all. Your all helping more than you could imagine. I hate to hear that others are suffering to, however it is nice to know im not alone. I started an anti depressant today under my psychs instructions to have it kick in before baby is here. I'm scared it won't work or will make me worse. I have major problems with strange racing thoughts. Do any of you identify with this or am I just crazy? It's so hard to explain, and the thoughts don't even make sense, it's just like my mind is ok a train track going at 100mph thinking the oddest things. It could jumpy from thinking about a biscuit to the grass to a lorry to a house .... It's very bizzare and k find myself getting confused an awful lot. Is this an anxiety synptom?? I've never heard anyone e plain the same thoughts or feelings as me so I feel like it must be me losing my mind sad

lemon101 Fri 08-May-15 07:57:06

Hi Halle,

that sort of jumble of thoughts feelings is pretty classic anxiety. Think of it like this - your body is full of stress hormones and it's kind of looking for the source of the threat to escape from it right? One of things high anxiety results in is a lesser ability to be able to manage your attention and focus on one thing. So on one hand your body thinks there is some threat and it's kind of causing you to look out for it and on the other hand cognitively you have a lesser ability to manage your attention. It kind of results in a wave of thoughts all of which you can't dismiss just in case its the threat. Being aware and alarmed by this kind of makes it worse because it's scary to feel like this. It can be a vicious circle.

One other thing you might find useful to know is that when you are depressed or anxious you are more likely to only recall memories that reinforce that feeling. So when you are in a negative mood you recall negative memories easily, when you are in a positive mood, its positive memories. I tell you this because it's very important for you to realise that your mind genuinely does play tricks on you when you are depressed and anxious. Just because it seems like the future is very bleak at the moment, you can't necessarily trust how you feel and what your thoughts are as an accurate depiction of the world. You kind of need some blind faith.

Finally, like others I've noticed you are very aware of your thoughts, but I would offer this advice. Take note of how you are feeling but try and accept the thoughts and feelings. Don't push them away and try to feel 'normal' just accept that this is how it is for now. It won't last forever and you have done exactly what you needed to do - you went and saw your psychiatrist, you got meds and you will not be pregnant very much longer. You've made significant steps over the last week or so, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Focus on the day only and not what is ahead.

I really feel for you - I know this is tough. Hang on in there.

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