Arrrgh my mum guilt tripping me about plans to return to work

[Choccyhobnob]

Just need a rant as my (D)M is making me feel like a bad mother before this little one is born! Basically she doesn’t think I can possibly go back to work in London once I have the baby as “you will never see your child” which she keeps repeating to me every sodding time I speak to her.

Whilst I admit it would be great if I could do what she did when we were kids (don’t actually remember what she did when we were babies, was prob a SAHM) but then she became a childminder when I was about 7 and my DB was born so she was always around and there were no childcare issues as such.

But that is not my life! I work in London and although I admit I pay a lot of money to commute, if I got a job nearer to home my salary would more or less be halved and I would STILL have to work 4 days a week anyway (just be 30 mins away from home rather than 90) and pay childcare whilst earning much less money?! She thinks I’m just being greedy and it’s all about the money (she can’t fathom how we couldn’t survive on DH wages – which is good, but I bring in almost the same, which to lose would make quite a difference!). I am going to try and get my work (where I have been for 9 years) to let me work 3 days in the office and one from home and then have baby with a relative for 2 days and nursery for 2 days. The 3 days I’m in London though I will be out from 7am – 6.30pm.

(FYI I only have to commit to this arrangement for 6 months before I can leave my job if it turns out it’s really not what I want)

Anyway, sorry it's long. I just wanted to get it off my chest before I kill her and hopefully be reassured that my baby is not going to be permanently damaged by me going back to work and that surely other mums do it and we’re not bad parents for doing so? Or am I going to be flamed for being a neglectful, greedy London worker?!

[avocadotoast]

Whatever you do, you do it because it's best for you and your family.

I'm planning on going back to work when baby is (just) six months old (DH will then take three months off work as I go back). Most people have taken the attitude of "oh well, we'll see!" when I've mentioned it to them. I know I could change my mind, but it is frustrating when people make you feel like you're a bad person for doing what you feel is right.

[EyeofSaur0n]

your situation reflects mine from a few years ago exactly. You will still see your baby at the weekends and no doubt in the night as you sing to and feed it.
I went back to work full time then reduced my hours when dc went to school. DC can't remember being a baby - all they need is love, food, healthy environment.
As an aside - does anyone accuse a father of being a bad father for going back to work? No, didn't think so.
Tell your dm the world is a different place now.

[CMOTGilbertBlythe]

Is she also guilt tripping your DH about his career plans? If not, why not?

[2015isgoingtobeBIG]

I will be looking to do similar this time next year and I feel your pain. There is nothing worse than parental guilt tripping but the reality is things are different now to when they raised us and a lot of people do commute and juggle that with having children. This isn't about having it all, but more about having a balance. It might be perfect for one person to give up their jib and. Be a SAHM but for others thee are many reasons why going back to work is important. I haven't even dared admit that financially in the early days it will not make that much of a difference to us if I go back because once you factor in two lots of nursery fees plus my travel costs there's not much left from my salary but this is about me going back to a job I love and keeping up my professional registration (which if I take more than two years out I have to go through a LOT Of hoops to re register). My DH is supportive of this and I know I can work part time in my job with hours to suit childcare as a lot of people already do that (and the lady covering me has already expressed an interest in job sharing when I go back) but my parents, and even a couple of colleagues, have expressed their surprise that I'm going to do this-complete with knowing/patronising nods of "see how you'll feeel in a year-I'm sure you'll feel differently". Yes, maybe I will but a bit of support to at least consider and try this idea wouldn't go amiss. The reality for me is there aren't many jobs at my level outside of London and I would be waiting for somebody to retire. Working part time will be a very different role to the one I left to go in maternity leave and my career path will be different but if we want to afford to pay for everything in the future I need to keep up that registration.
Try to ignore the comments from your mum, you'll feel guilty enough when you first out your child in nursery from what I understand from my friends who are already mums-but you would feel this gullt whether you were working locally or not. There is evidence to show that children in a childcare environment actually develop their communication skills at an earlier age than being at home alone because of the interaction with other children, the need to negotiate etc so you're not causing them any harm.
And just remember, nithjng is set in stone forever. you , not your mother, will make whatever decision is right for your child at the time-a year is a long way away. X

[Sheepoverthemoon]

My mil keeps saying to me, do you really need all that time off (I'm having one year off), I'm getting the opp guilt trip. Can't win no matter what u do, as long as your doing what is right for you and your family, then that's the right choice. Someone always has something to say.

[Momzilla82]

I do the same OP. My mothers doesn't understand how it's not possible to survive on one income. She just doesn't realise how much the world has changed. I went back full time and commuted into London and had 7 mo in full time nursery. My mum thought I was wicked, cold hearted and ruthless career woman. In fact Ds1 wasn't planned and we needed the money as there weren't any savings to fall back on. second time around I'm working pt 3 days a week, 2 in London, 1 at home. Out of the home 12 hours a day. This is for the same money as if earn working full time where we live.

Let her think what she thinks. Try not to let it upset you and please please consider how you're going to make this work when DC are school age. Someone senior at work advised me well, it's much harder when they're at school to sort work friendly childcare. Good luck!

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

Sympathy!!!!

My Mum spent years telling me to get out there, get qualifications, get a job, get a career, not to rely on a man for money, not to do what she did....

Fast forward: Finished school, went to uni, got a good job, career on a good track, got married, expecting first child and Mum changes the record and starts undermining my decision to carry on working in ways you would not believe (including coming to help me when my baby was ill, staging a massive row and then leaving me in the lurch....)

I carried on working for a few years, then took some time out and the record changed again.... Find yourself a little job for some 'pin money'.

Aaaarrrgggghhh!!!!!

[Christelle2207]

I think it's a generational thing. My mum worked when I was small but none of my friends' mums did. Nowadays I know mums who work part time but don't know any that don't work at all. One thing I think is relevant though is that mortgages are much more these days (hence the need to work greater) and I also think that with mums being older they get more used to meals out/posh holidays/ nice clothes from having a decent disposable income before having children which wasn't the case in the 70s because people had kids younger. Hence the need to keep up with the jones's and the sad truth is that if you take a few years out it is very difficult to work yourself up again after a long break.
Anyway your mum IBU and we all make the best choices we can. I worked 4 dpw until starting ML again and found the balance, whilst not ideal, ok. On those four days my DS really benefitted from nursery and time with grandparents (realise I'm lucky in this regard)

[CMOTGilbertBlythe]

God save us from the "little jobs for pin money".

[Choccyhobnob]

Thank you all I wish I had longer to decide but I basically have to inform my work quite soon if I'm intending on returning to work so that they know whether to pay me additional maternity pay. If they pay it then I don't go back I have to pay it all back.

I think I've finally worked out a solution I'm happy with though and she's the only one having a go at me - I would love for things to be different but there you go, I agree and think I am doing the best we can do.

[Duckdeamon]

Sympathy. Had similar (and my Mum worked FT!) Your mum should mind her own business! Some sexist assumptions being made too, eg is she as concerned about your H's work plans?

[Duckdeamon]

You really don't have to inform work of your plans at this stage, even for contractual maternity pay - they are being naughty there.

[Choccyhobnob]

Oh Momzilla please don't let me think about him going to school just yet! lol hopefully by that time DH will have been promoted and earning loads and loads of money! (Well I can dream!)

[gnushoes]

I worked in london, commuting a fairly long distance, with children and managed to get a deal where I worked longer days but fewer of them, so making up the hours. It mostly worked really well. Could you do that?

[Momzilla82]

Sorry! (It comes around faster than you think!) sniff their heads whilst you're allowed. It's just I knew someone who had to take a years career break as their childcare for school fell through and it was impossible to find anything that would work.

[HazleNutt]

She did what she thought was best for her family - now you are doing what you think is best for yours.

[ButIdid]

Sympathy, poor you, you don't need this. But also - I want to say, gently - get used to it. The horrible side of parenthood is everyone elses views on what you should be doing -
Breast/bottle
Routine/demand
Leave to cry /not
homemade food always?
Send to nursery?
Lovingly handmake school dress up day costumes or buy them from Sainsburys?
etc etc
It's relentless! You'll get opinions from your nearest and dearest and unsolicited from strangers in the street.
You just need to develop a thick skin and as long as you're doing what feels right for both of you then go ahead and try not to question yourself.

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

My mum was quite supportive but my nan was like this. She couldn't get her head round a) we needed the money and b) I'd worked long and hard to establish a career and didn't want to lose it.

Be secure in your decision. Know that you are doing what's best for your family.

She won't get it, she never will.

[FlaviaAlbia]

Choccyhobnob check your work's maternity policy - you can usually go back for just a few months to avoid paying back enhanced maternity pay. It's totally unreasonable to expect you to give a decision now.

[Choccyhobnob]

I have to go back for 6 months Flavia

[Feckeggblue]

Im in the same situation and mil is starting to make noises about this. DH doesn't earn enough to pay for everything and I may have to go back at 6 months. Baby will be in nursery at least 7.30am- 5pm. We can't do much else. The commute is just under an hour door to door so not even that bad.

Of course I don't revel in this but we need support not judgement.

[Nellagain]

mums opinion on childcare drive me mad.
my mum for example was telling the kids the other day that if I didn't work we wouldn't be able go on nice holidays.

No, if I didn't work we wouldn't have enough for essentials like food. The holidays are a bonus. The older generation just can't get it in their heads that one wage just won't cut it nowadays. I wish it would!

Op I have no words of wisdom except to say you will still be hearing this crap in 11 yrs time. Practice tuning it out now and whatever you do, don't feel guilty for going to work.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I am going to try and get my work (where I have been for 9 years) to let me work 3 days in the office and one from home and then have baby with a relative for 2 days and nursery for 2 days. The 3 days I’m in London though I will be out from 7am – 6.30pm

You will have to tell your mother to mind her own business in the nicest possible way. You have to work unless she wants to pop her clogs now and hand over a sizeable inheritance now.

Childcare is inescapable and good childcare is expensive. Financially you will have more options on a higher salary, particularly as you progress up the greasy pole. You will also have more flexibility/be in a position of trust somewhere you have worked for 9 yrs than for 5 mins.

Enhanced mat pay is a no brainer imo. Take it and commit to going back for 6 months. Put in a flexible working request sooner rather than later but also insist that your husband do so too. If you both work from home one day a week then you have the choice to stay late at least one evening and be seen to "put in the hours" if you work in that sort of environment.

Seriously consider saving some of your mat pay so that your husband can exercise his rights and do some proper paternity leave. Actually returning to work and leaving your DH in place as a hands on father for 2-3 months will pay HUGE dividends in the future. I would be very wary if he won't even consider it as an option. If you are being put in the position of "all things child related are your problem" before the child is even born, I would a) give him a metaphorical kick and b) not even remotely consider leaving work and leaving myself financially dependent on a total arse.

Take it from me, that you need to switch your head into a place where you and your husband are sharing the responsibilities. If not, you will be a stressed mess who feels that they aren't doing a good job in either direction. Your employer and colleagues will also be more reasonable if they can see that they are not being stiffed every time your child is poorly, that you are barely doing your hours but that it is two people sharing the burden.

[tindel]

I sympathise, my MIL was banging on about this last time I saw her. I am looking to go back to work, but do so closer to home, as I currently commute to London and it's just not feasible (am hoping my owed holiday pay will just about cancel out the additional maternity pay I have to pay back).

Her new tack is how I might 'change my mind' after the baby arrives and wouldn't accept that we just can't manage on 1 full-time salary. That and, I want to work - I like it!

Depending on your relationship with your mother, I agree with PPs to tell her to mind her own business. My own mum made some comment a few years back about women going back to work and when I pointed out about the cost of living having shot up, she did come round to the fact that women now aren't as lucky as her generation, who could give up work to be at home full-time.