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Pregnancy

Etiquette for contacting mums to be

31 replies

nicnac1603 · 21/04/2015 14:49

Well, here goes....

Over the past week I have received some of, what I can only describe as, the rudest texts messages ever!

A cousin (husband's cousin's wife) texted me the following text last Saturday:

"Any baby?"

To put this into perspective; my due date was Sunday (so she was a day early) and the last time we spoke was at a random family gathering last August

Hubby has been amazing, creating memes and putting them on facebook, cheekily telling people that no baby still hasn't made an appearance, while trying to stress that texts such as that one will not be appreciated.

So, it could be because I am overly emotional right now (please tell me you would feel this way too), but can anyone provide me with similar stories of how those around them seem to lose all restraint and do not understand correct etiquette when it comes to contacting a mama-to-be!

nicnac

OP posts:

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UpNorth74 · 21/04/2015 15:02

Oh dear! That is so rude.

I think if me or my partner received such a text, then I wouldn't even reply. If they can't be bothered to ask how I/we are then I don't think I could be bothered to acknowledge them.

When a friend had a baby last year, I asked to be added to any round-robin type texts she might choose to send out once she was feeling more comfortable after the baby arrived. She created a huge group on Whatsapp which worked quite well!

But there will always be one nosy relative who wants to know first!

nicnac1603 · 21/04/2015 15:12

Oh don't I know it! I didn't reply, don't worry - I honestly live by the saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"!!

That sounds like a good idea. Hubby was thinking of putting a post on Facebook saying "this morning/evening at .... we welcomed our new baby. his name is ... and he weighs ... Asking everyone please give us some privacy for the next few days to settle into our new family life thanks!"

Is that rude or fair enough? I'll obviously message my besties and parents / brothers but that's about the height of it as far as I'm concerned.

So glad you agree - I was worried I was maybe being too sensitive!!!

OP posts:

LP18413 · 21/04/2015 15:14

I went 2 weeks over with DS. As soon as I reached my due date I was receiving text messages several times DAILY from my mum, dad, step-mum, grandma, 3x aunties, MIL and step-sister, as well as text messages, phone calls and facebook messages from various friends.

'any news yet?' (nope none!)

'are you still there?' (don't even know what you mean by that, but I assume you mean are you still pregnant? yes I am!)

'has baby made an appearance yet?' (once again, nope!)

It used to make me cry!

I finally reached the end of my tether and text EVERYONE back telling them I had already had the baby and forgot to tell them all!

Floopledoop · 21/04/2015 15:15

This drive me mad too! It was like people thought we'd have the baby and keep it secret!

jeee · 21/04/2015 15:20

I know that a lot of people seem to find this kind of thing rude (and in fact, I'm not guilty of it), but actually, I didn't mind it. I simply thought that this kind of message was meant to be non-intrusive, whilst expressing support and interest.

If it bothers you, ignore it. But I strongly suspect that your cousin was trying to be kind.

FWIW, if you have three babies in under three years, come baby no.3 you'll be desperate for someone to show some interest. I was 13 days overdue and only my MIL and mother asked when the baby was going to make an appearance.

nicnac1603 · 21/04/2015 15:35

thank you all - you've made me giggle!!

Yeah i know it's an interest or them caring about me, etc, but it just could be done in such a more subtle way!

I actually considered texting everyone back saying yeah baby is here, living it up watching tv, but i got worried they wouldn't sense any sarcasm! I'm not going to hide it although I really don't want to tell certain people now - repeat offenders I have them listed as!

Haha I had a facebook post yesterday asking what "are you still here?" means. Do we disappear after we give birth or something?!?!

OP posts:

2015isgoingtobeBIG · 21/04/2015 15:53

I know people are just trying to let us know they care and are thinking about us but I think it just irks because we are also impatient for news (well I am anyway at the moment!) We plan on telling our family and important friends via text once there is news asking them to keep it off Facebook whilst we tell people and then putting a general announcement on Facebook once the important people know. I can see the merit in asking people to respect your privacy when you do that but if Im honest that sounds like a) what you read in the media when somebody has just found out their loved one has died and gives a statement to the press or b) slightly overly self important. Could you not keep it more along the lines of, "sorry if you don't hear from us-we'll be a bit busy the next few weeks finding our feet"
Or just ignore any texts after the birth. I don't think people genuinely expect to have a response from you jn the early days

Autumn2014 · 21/04/2015 15:55

My sister went 2. Week's over due and I sent her a few texts over the course of that fortnight. I don't live her so couldn't call on ans though a text wad less obtrusive than a phone call. I hope they received in more of a thinking of you type than being nosey and demanding nature. I just wanted to acknowledge that I was thinking of her when it was her due date and as time went on that I hoped she was keeping well. I think I wrote stuff like 'hope you aren't to uncomfortable -it was high summer- and get to meet your baby soon. Hope you are enjoying newborn snuggles very soon. Etc etc
To the op- I hope you are enjoying newborn cuddles very soon!

Autumn2014 · 21/04/2015 15:57

Sorry about crap typing- on my phone!!

Fattycow · 21/04/2015 15:57

My friend had the most brilliant replies to texts like this! She would reply with:
'no, but I'm sure that if you bring me chocolate/pizza/whatever she fancied, the baby will appear soon'
or:
'no, but if you come over and hoover/do laundry/do the dishes/wash my car/iron the heap of clothes/pull out the weeds in my garden/whatever chore she needed done, the baby will appear soon'.

TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 21/04/2015 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobby2014 · 21/04/2015 15:59

I got a comment on a Facebook profile picture of mine saying 'baby yet'
That was it. Not a proper sentence, no punctuation, no how are you, just that.
It was from DHs cousin who we see at family things but that's it.

I luckily didn't get too many, and had a good pregnancy so wasn't that annoying.

LP18413 · 21/04/2015 16:07

Not really related to this topic, but I suppose it's something pregnant women don't want to hear and it amused me...my little sister (4yo at the time) told me that when you have a baby 'the doctor cuts your tummy open, the baby comes out, covered in slime, and then your brain falls out!'

I'm not sure she realised how accurate she was!

nicnac1603 · 21/04/2015 16:22

Oh that is cute - my 5 year old goddaughter asked me the other day how I was going to get the baby out and then decided to tell me about how the doctors will be using scissors to cut it open, but it wont hurt, and then the baby just comes out like the way baby Jesus came out of Mary except I'll be in a hospital and not a stable.....she made me laugh so much!

Thanks for all your comments. If it wasnt so many texts or if they were from people i was close to and not rude (not one asks how I am) then maybe I'd be less pissed off!!

Oh I like the suggestion 2015isgoingtobebig - I might say to hubby to reword it that way. He's just as pissed off as I am but his patience is also verging on as thin as ice!!!

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2015isgoingtobeBIG · 21/04/2015 17:43

Glad to help. My DH is also getting fed up as it's his brother who is top of the table for irritation-currently wants to come and visit despite being told it's not good timing (twins 50% chance of arriving in next ten days and definitely within next 2.5 weeks and I am not in the mood to host house guests) and various pestering texts wanting to know when they're likely to be here so he can plan around it.....babies don't work to a schedule muppet!!! (Sorry for the personal rant-this is our story to go with your unhelpful texts!)

VikingLady · 21/04/2015 17:55

I started counting these sort of texts once I was overdue. My record was 11 in one day! Including one from a friend who then demanded to be told when labour started - as if I'd prioritise texting a friend (not close) when labour started!

I texted her after baby was born. Within an hour, actually. Not good enough and she's barely talking to me now!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 21/04/2015 18:34

Oh god the 'any news?' texts... I started replying 'yes, I've just this second ashoved it out', 'yes it was born two weeks ago' and my personal favourite, a fake update on how dilated I was and various gross information. I wasn't even overdue, just having a reeeally long induction.

nicnac1603 · 22/04/2015 18:04

you're all so funny!!

Update: still no baby! Had antenatal appointment but couldnt do sweep (too far back), so she tried pulling to forward because its soft and felt baby's head but still back to the waiting game unfortunately!

Thankfully, with DHs daily facebook memes I have had no texts today but did get a fb pm from my brother (who I am not close to at all and who lives in another country) asking me to call him when my waters break...... I dont even know if I have his mobile number!!!

OP posts:

MissTwister · 22/04/2015 18:10

It's tricky, prior to being pregnant and reading these boards, when a friend was pregnant I always thought I was being a bad friend if I DIDN'T check in regularly and that they might think I'd forgotten about them. There's no excuse for weird/ rude texts but I certainly sent ones asking if any news or similar. And I'm not a bad person!

BlueBee · 22/04/2015 19:07

I have purposely been vague about my due date and havnt really told anyone. We've just been saying 'end of August'. I'm hopimg that will stop the texts but then again I may get them all month now ha.

Scarlettbg · 22/04/2015 19:24

I feel your pain OP. My MIL has just started to do this. I'm 39 weeks tomorrow with DC2 and DC1 was born at exactly 39 weeks. She came round today and was going on about how amazing it would be if DC2 also arrived tomorrow and that it would be even better if I could give birth on the same day as Kate Middleton! No pressure then!

Fattycow · 22/04/2015 20:42

There are different ways of asking. When my friend was overdue last winter, I would sent her a text asking 'how are you?'. That still shows you are interested in whatever is happing, but the approach is as if she is an actual human being! And when she had an appointment at the hospital (her pregnancy was a medical one, so all appointments were in hospital with a gyneacologist), I texted her that evening asking how it had gone. She texted back saying 'very well, I gave birth an hour ago!'.

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TipTapWentTheCrab · 22/04/2015 21:49

Yes, this sort of thing made me very cross!

I had several friends who firmly instructed me that they HAD to be told IMMEDIATELY the baby was born. I know that they meant well and it's sweet they were so interested, but frankly, for the first few days after the birth my priorities were, in order:

Am I still alive? ... Just about.
Is the baby still alive? ... Um, I think so.
Does the baby need feeding? ... Er, probably.
Do I need feeding? ... Definitely.
Does the baby need to sleep? ... Um, probably.
Do I need to sleep? ... Desperately.
-- and with not the slightest chance of reaching such frivolities as sending social communications to my friends.

Elledouble · 22/04/2015 21:57

I'm not even due til Friday and I'm getting quite a lot of texts asking how I am and stuff - I'm not sure if I'm supposed to reply to them all saying "still pregnant, thanks!" or if it's ok just to ignore them and let them wonder if I'm in hospital

Fattycow · 22/04/2015 22:10

Of course you can ignore people. Of just send back 'I'm ok'.

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