Deciding to become a stay at home mum

[irishamy89]

Hi All.
I'm pregnant with my first baby and my DP and I are both in agreement that I will be a SAHM.
Were lucky to be in a position where we will still be financially fine however I'm sure it will still feel like a big change for me!
Anyone else made this decision and how are you feeling about it?
We live a short commute from central London and are looking for a bigger flat or house.
I have told DP that I definitely don't want to move somewhere that would make travel in to central London difficult.
I would feel too isolated!!

[fairyfuckwings]

I would think twice as you're not married. You'll end up being reliant on your partner financially and your own career will undoubtedly suffer.

[anothernumberone]

Sounds like a great plan but I agree with the previous poster I would absolutely get married.

[fufulina]

Go into it with your eyes open - understand exactly what you gain, and lose, by making that decision. Financial independence is a big one.

[Pinkrach]

I've just had my first baby- he is 3 weeks old. Before having him I would have loved the opportunity to be a stay at home mum, but now I have definitely changed my mind. I feel like if you don't have something of your own, it is easy to lose your identity and just become a mum. I actually miss work and the opportunity to talk about something other than babies. I have found the first few weeks very difficult- I appreciate things will get easier, but of I were you I would give it some serious thought xx

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

I would say don't make any final decisions regarding it until after you've been on maternity leave for a while. I have known a few people who just didn't enjoy being a SAHP when it came down to it. Keep your options open for both your sanity and also a financial pov. Not being married does leave you a bit vulnerable if you give up your income and career to be completely financially dependent on your DP. Sorry to be a bit practical about something so exciting for you, but a year on mat leave made me realise I would go nuts as a SAHM! Would your DP be irritated later if you change your mind, and see it as moving the goalposts? There's plenty of threads on here about issues when one partner decides they're not happy with an arrangement that was previously agreed.

[Namechanged101]

Sorry to high jack your thread OP? Just wondered why it makes a big difference if married or not?
I'm getting made redundant soon and will stay at home with dd but me and partner not married- house in both our names I'd still be paying towards bills etc would it be important for us to be married?

[BathtimeFunkster]

If you are really in a position where you will be financially fine if you stop earning a wage when you are legally a single person, then you are obviously very wealthy and probably have a moneyed family, so the chances are you'll be fine.

[Namechanged101]

Question For fairy and anothernumber thanks :)

[Stinkersmum]

I'm due our first and our plans are for me to be a SAHM. Financially we're sorted, and I have absolutely no issue with being financially dependant on my husband. I really don't understand the panic some women have about it either. I'm secure in what I have contributed financially in the past, and secure enough in my marriage that I don't panic about him leaving me destitute. If I do want to I can work from home, but I won't consider that for many months after the baby is born. I feel bad enough when I go on holiday and leave my cats for a fortnight. Goodness knows how I'd manage to hand over my child to someone else...

[wearing]

Wait and see how you feel. Having a baby is a big change and giving up work is a big change, you don't need to rush into anything or make any decisions for a while yet.

Frankly, I would go back to work at first and then consider stopping once they are at school. Being stuck at home with a toddler is my idea of hell.

Agreed you need to get married. You're really screwed if something happens to your partner. He might not ever leave you, but what if he gets hit by a bus on the way to work? You don't know what is going to happen.

[Damnautocorrect]

Wait and see how you feel, you might be desperate for adult interaction or you might love it.
I expected to go back early and hate being at home, 6 years on I'm still home.

I'm unmarried and I'm aware career wise I've fucked up, I can't go back to what I did, let alone the level I was at. I would have to return to a minimum wage job. If your married you have a bit more security that should things go wrong your contribution to the household (enabling your husband to fully focus on their career) will be taken into account in the divorce settlement, there's also recognition it will take you a while to get back on your feet job wise.

[weeblueberry]

We discussed this when I was pregnant with my first and decided Id spend some time on maternity leave before making a firm decision. For financial and sanity reasons I decided to return to part time work after 8 months. I love DD to bits but absolutely needed the time to focus on myself and my career. I decided I didn't want to take such a long career break and have to return to it six or so years later.

[irishamy89]

Pinkrach - Thanks for sharing your story.
I appreciate I may not feel the same when the baby is born however fingers crossed I still feel happy with the decision.

Orangeisthenewbanana - Thanks for your response. Luckily I wouldn't be completely financially dependent on him but certainly more so than when not working.
He wouldn't mind if I changed my mind and decided to work as I think his mum would jump at the chance to mind the baby.

[anothernumberone]

Marriage offers additional protection to both parties. This is a fact not speculation. If a situation emerges where a break up becomes the likely outcome then all bets are off as to how participants of even a previously healthy relationship will interact and treat the other party. Emotions are running so strong, even the loveliest of people can behave badly under such stress.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I would see a lawyer. It will cost you a few hundred but that can save a lot of money further down the line.

You need to know exactly what your rights are in the case of a split.

[TheSingingMonkey]

Legally if you're not married you aren't entitled to your DP's assets should anything happen. Whether that's if he left or if something happened to him. 'Common law' in the UK doesn't exist, but many people think it does. Don't leave yourself in a vulnerable position. You can go to a solicitor and make wills and get things arranged legally should anything happen. But otherwise you are putting yourself potentially at risk of losing a lot should it all go wrong.

[irishamy89]

Bathtimefunkster - I wouldn't consider myself really wealthy but what I have is all mine and not a contribution from a rich family.

[meditrina]

Before you make any decisions that impact on your finances and career directory, read this:

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/legal-rights-for-unmarried-couples

and make sure you understand the all the implications of your decision, and put in place and mitigations (ideally before the baby is born, as it's very easy to let admin drift for ages when you're wrangling a newborn).

[meditrina]

Sorry, 'directory' should read 'trajectory'

[PilchardPrincess]

I agree with others who say wait and see. You have a year of mat leave, there is no need to make a decision now.

Everyone is different and until you've had the baby you don't know quite how you're going to feel. It may well be that you love being at home full-time in which case your current idea stands. Or you may decide that part-time would be good for you. Another option again is you think, actually I really miss work i didn't realise how great it was and go back full-time like me

Anyway. Wait and see, keep all options on the table, make a decision once you've had the baby and settled into the shape of your new family.

Agree with others that if you are going to give up work entirely, then you need to give thought to financial considerations + for the future worst case scenarios.

[supersoapsock]

I take it from your username you're 26 or thereabouts. Are you really not going to work for the next 40-50 years? Don't think you can take a decade out and then jump back in. You can't. What will you do for money if you and Dp break up?

[irishamy89]

Damnautocorrect - I don't know what career you were in previously but I don't see taking a long career break as completely ruining a future career.
My DP mum spent many many years as a SAHM, returned to work and has a good job. I guess it depends on the sector though!

[cailindana]

It is very very foolish to become a SAHM without being married. If your partner dies or runs off with someone else you have absolutely no claim to his property - you could be homeless, destitute and left without a career. You are basically putting the security of you and your child in the hands of another person with absolutely no agreement in place to protect you. Of course it could be absolutely fine, you could still be there 30 years down the road with no problems whatsoever, but taking that risk isn't sensible.

Be a SAHM, by all means, but don't be silly about it. Get all the legal stuff sorted first.

[irishamy89]

Supersoaksock - I didn't say I was never going to work again. DP mum took well over a decade off work and is back in a good position in her chosen career.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Well if you are independently wealthy and have enough income to support yourself on an ongoing basis if your relationship breaks down, then that's a good position to be in.

Seeing a lawyer might be a good idea, though. Just to be sure you are making this decision based on all the facts pertinent to your situation. Maybe an independent financial adviser too.

Giving up work is a massive financial decision with long term implications.

Also, really do wait until you actually have a baby before making this decision. If you are working now you have a year after your baby is born to decide whether you will go back.

You have no idea what motherhood is going to be like for you as an individual or what parenthood will do to your relationship.

One thing at a time :)