Extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth

[SapphireRuby]

Hi all,
Can anyone help? I am 32 and my OH and I would really like to have a child/ children. However, I'm desperately afraid of the whole business of pregnancy and childbirth. My main fears are:

• getting ill - I was very ill with ME for many years when I was younger and am afraid it will come back when pg/ after birth due to hormones.
  
• childbirth - I think about this every day and feel absolute panic, often to the point of being in tears. I'm afraid of the pain, having no control and being exhausted, and of possible after effects of vb or cs (cs doesn't seem a less scary option). I feel that most people have some terrible after effects but no-one talks about it so it isnt widely known.
  
• pregnancy - I'm afraid of the pain/ unpleasantness of this but mainly am afraid of going through 9 months of severe anxiety/ panic about childbirth.
  
• post natal depression - having been depressed in the past I am very frightened of this.
  

All of these fears have led my OH and me to consider adoption but I'm not sure how good a reason "I'm petrified of everything" would be for getting approved! I'd prefer to have a biological child and would at least like to feel I'd given the idea fair consideration with proper information. I've read posts on here and people talk about getting referred etc but is there anything when you aren't pregnant yet? There is no way on earth I'm getting pg right now with the way I feel. Likewise I do not want ordinary counselling - I've had this many times and need something where someone knows about the subject and can give me proper information.

[Skiptonlass]

Have you had therapy specifically for tokophobia? I'm wondering if you have seen someone who specialises in this or if you've had general counselling, which might not have been very useful to you.

I would imagine that there are practioners who research and specialise in this - its not my area but there must be help out there. I don't think its an extremely rare phobia by any means.

This is clearly causing you distress - I'm sorry I can't be more help.

[Skiptonlass]

And another question that might seem a little odd - how exposed are you to friends going through pregnancy in your daily life? I'm pregnant gor the first time at 35 - I never had a fear of pregnancy per se, but I certainly wasn't champing at the bit to get knocked up. Seeing friends have normal pregnancies and nice kids, and retain their old selves has certainly changed my mindset completely. I really hope you can get some professional help - if I have some time tomorrow I'll google around and see if there are any resources online.

[Chocness]

I am sorry to read your post. I know from experience how upsetting it can be to really want something but be too afraid to go after your dreams. I do not have any personal experience of ME but I know of people who have had the illness and gone on to have families. Yes, they have had to put support in place, during their pregnancy and once the bubba arrives but they continue to thrive and be great mums. With the right support could this be you?

I am currently pregnant (36 weeks today!) and had similar fears over childbirth. I completed a hypnobirthing course some months back and feel completely different about birth now. It has given me and my OH many different techniques to help with fear and anxiety in life, as well as birth. Obviously I have not had my baby yet but I am so much more confident about the while birth process because of it and no longer have fear of it. Our bodies have been built for it after all.

In terms of pregnancy, I'll be honest, it can be hard. At times you may feel rough, at other times fantastic. Different women feel different things at different times. I have never felt in pain though, maybe some discomfort but certainly not pain. Focussing on getting the nursery ready takes your mind off these things anyway. I am an older mum having her first baby and thought I would really struggle with pregnancy but would say on the whole, I have really enjoyed the experience to the point that I would do it again. I am sure you will find other ladies on this site with a similar viewpoint. It's not all bad and 9 months goes very quickly!

Finally, with regards to postnatal depression, please don't assume that because you have had depression in the past that you are at a higher risk of getting postnatal depression in the future. The NCT (national childbirth trust) has some interesting stats on this. They have found that women who have suffered with depression ( I am one of them) in the past have been helped considerably by the birth of their baby. Quite simply because the focus is no longer on the self but instead on the baby.

I really hope you can resolve your concerns. When I was in a similar boat I found that sharing my concerns with my close friends was very helpful. They had children and reminded me of how well I got on with them and the joy that they give which far outweighs the fears. 18 months later and I am now very much looking forward to the birth of my first child.

I wish you all the best and hope that with sharing your fears with those closest to you that you can overcome your fears and go after your dreams.

[SapphireRuby]

Thanks both for your replies. No, I haven't seen friends go through it as none of my friends have children, and likewise I haven't told any of them about my fears. No, I haven't had counselling for tokophobia, I did look a bit in my area but couldn't find anyone. I've never actually discussed this issue with a counsellor, but if it was someone knowledgeable in this area I would consider it. It's good to hear hypnobirthing helped you Chocness. I just feel I need help before I could even consider getting pg.

[BadIdeaBear]

I'm not sure how much I can help you, as it does seem like you'll need some knowledgeable counselling, yes. However, I can say that my DSis has ME and gave birth in October. If anything, it seems the hormones kicked in to prevent the ME being an issue at all - she doesn't seem to have had a relapse at all throughout pregnancy, birth or subsequently. Maybe your body rises to the occasion! She also swore by hypnobirthing, so I'm also looking into it for myself now I'm pg too.

Good luck in working through the issues.

[Ladypug]

Hi OP,

A few months ago I wrote almost an identical thread to yours. I am also tokophobic and it is the pregnancy more than the birth which has scared me. I was about to start trying when I put my messages on. I'm 32, have been terrified my whole life, don't do needles or blood and can't stand the thought of something growing in me, I find another heartbeat really hard to get my head around. And now I'm I'm pregnant - 8 Weeks. With a history of anxiety and panic attacks I have been waiting for it to strike. So far so good! I'm not the biggest fan of pregnancy don't get me wrong, I feel like crap most of the time (sick) but the fear has been ok. I've only had 2 minor waves so far and I think it's worth it to finally get to be a mum. But in November when I was trying I was on here daily looking for guidance. If i can do this anyone can. Feel free to message me to chat more x ps I also have an amazing psychotherapist who I swear by!

[blueberry7676]

Ladypug & Sapphire Ruby,

Your posts have made me feel sane again. You have described me down to a "t".

I thought I was the only woman to feel like this??! And I now know what it is called.
After 20 odd years of P.A's and extreme anxiety post awful divorce, I have finally met an amazing man.
I want to be a mum but I am now 38 and feel huge pressure..(No grandchildren in the family).
All sorts running through my heard..what if I cant cope with the mood swings? I panic hugely and cant cope with the pregnancy and labour. Also worried about PND. I am a Childrens Emergency Nurse so also see the worst of everything which isn't helping. I also have a fear of being a patient in hospital, a kind of trapped feeling where my boyfriend cant stay with me.

I feel so stressed I could cry!! I have even considered adoption..

I dont know what to try, I did see a Hypnotherapist who got rid of my years of panic attacks and made my life so much better!
Hypnobirthing might be an option. All advice or help would be very welcome!!

[hipposaurus]

Hi op

Sorry for your dilemma! It's worth remembering that having children isn't essential to a happy life and if you'd prefer not to then that's absolutely fine! There are plenty of other things you can do - get a pet, travel, pursue a career etc

I have friends in their 40s who are childfree and very happy! Don't feel pressured to do something you don't feel comfortable with, it's your decision whether you want to go through pregnancy and childbirth and all the demands of young and older children.

Good luck!

[Ladypug]

Hi Blueberry,

You are far from the only woman to feel this way, trust me! More people feel it than you know, they just don't all talk about it. If you want to be a mum you'll make it happen - I'm not going to lie, it takes balls - great big balls and there will still be fear there but you just have to overcome it day by day.

Trust me, nobody could have been worse than me, I had panic attacks even coming off contraception! And I'm not saying I'm a success story, I'm a work in progress. I'm just in the second trimester and I'm still here, still sane, still pregnant and holding on but a long way to go. There are good days and there are bad days but being a mum outweighs it all - it's just 9 months, we can do this.

You don't have to give birth in hospital - as long as you're not high risk and it's safe you can give birth in a birthing centre or at home. I hate hospitals and machines, needles etc. I'm open to the fact I may have to go to hospital or have pain relief etc but knowing I could give birth in my home in a water pool with dim lighting and just me and DH makes me feel more relaxed.

Also, there are mood swings, don't get me wrong but they really aren't always that bad. In your head it's always worse - I thought I would be vomiting every day, having blood taken every week etc, we always make it worse than reality in our minds. I am looking into hypnobirthing now as it's very calming and it's the pregnancy I am trying to stay calm throughout.

Please feel free to private message me on here, lots of other ladies have and I think it helps to talk. Believe in yourself xxx

[blueberry7676]

Thanks so much, amazing help! So much to think about. I had no idea so many women felt as I do. I want it to be an amazing experience but I just feel as though its a huge mountain to climb.

[Cornberry]

Hi, don't know if this is helpful but I suffer from quite bad anxiety and since I've been pregnant I've found it hasn't been an issue. My GP told me this is quite common. Your whole body is programmed for it and even if it's tough it's a normal process for your body and you just gear up for it mentally. Also, I've always be scared of childbirth but I try and take strength from these thoughts: every single person on the planet is the result of someone going through childbirth; many women do it over and over; in the west and in the modern age we are better equipped than ever throughout history; almost every woman will go through it in her lifetime and there's no reason you can't; every woman always says in spite of everything that can arise it's worth it; even if you have a shitty experience of pregnancy and childbirth it's finite and you will cope. Sorry of this seems glib! Good luck :)