DP is STILL bugging me to find out the sex (27w) :-(

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

I'm so fucking annoyed. This is my second pregnancy. DP is not the father of my DS.

I found out the sex with DS and bitterly regretted it, even before he was born, and swore to myself the next one would be a surprise.

DP wanted to find out the sex of this one, but I really didn't. When it come to it at the 20 week scan, no one asked and the ultrasound technician didn't offer. After DP said he didn't ask because he knew how important it was to me (although after a private chat with my midwife before the scan, I knew that if I didn't want to know the ultrasound technician wouldn't tell the partner... Hospital policy)

Anyway, due to low PAPPA levels, I have to have an extra scan at 28, and 34 weeks. My 28 week scan will be next Friday. We are planning on bringing my DS (5) so he can see the baby.

He's just text me saying someone at work got the technician to write down the sex on paper and a bakery baked a pink or blue cake, cut it in front of the family blah blah blah... Would I like to do this 'amazing idea'

NO, NO I FUCKING DONT!

For a start, I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE FUCKING SEX, 2: my family do not want to know the sex so they wouldn't be there, 3: his mum and dad aren't together and he has no other family and they certainly wouldn't come together for a gender reveal so that would mean that the surprise is ruined for me, so we can cut a cake with just his mum and step dad there and then phone his dad to tell him.

What happened to knowing how important it was for me to not know? There's only 13 bloody weeks left, why can't he just wait!

I'm worried now he's going to put pressure on in front of my DS who is desperate to know and then my DS will get upset with me.

The 28 week scan is to check the baby is growing properly and the placenta is still working, not to find out the sex!

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Should have added- his mother is useless at surprises, If she were to find out, she WOULD ruin the surprise for me, as would my DP

[Nolim]

May i ask why you regreted finding out the first time?

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Of course!

I was told the wrong sex at the scan and when I found out at another scan 2 months later, I was really really upset. Then realised how pathetic that was and how unimportant it was and how having a healthy baby was the most important thing!

And even when I was pushing I remember thinking that if I was about to find out the sex, it would make this whole ordeal a lot more exciting!

Don't get me wrong, I was hugely excited about meeting my baby, it was just constantly in the back of my mind that I would be enjoying the anticipation of finding out alot more!

I also need to point out that this is the DP who is going on a stag weekend, 6 hours away, when I'll be 38 weeks pregnant so happy to potential miss the birth- so ruin my suprise even though he's happy to potentially miss the birth of his first child

[InfinitySeven]

I don't know... I mean, it's your decision. The hospital won't tell him unless you want to know.

But, I can also understand him wanting to know. It's his first child, and it makes it feel more real to know what you are having. Could you ask the hospital to write it down and give it to him, on the condition that he doesn't tell? You both get what you want, then.

The stag event seems poorly thought through, but it isn't relevant to wanting to know the sex.

[babyboomersrock]

Thank goodness I had my babies before sex scans were around - I'd have been very upset if my partner had been so self-centred. I also can't imagine that he'd be good at keeping it to himself either, if he were told in advance - I know two instances where hospital staff let slip before the births, so how likely is it that he's going to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the pregnancy? Imagine if he told his mates at the stag do, and OP still didn't know?

I don't see how it makes it any more real just knowing the sex in advance - unless you have pre-conceived notions of what constitutes a "boy baby" or a "girl baby". And in any case, OP is the one who's pregnant, and who'll give birth - surely it's not much to ask him to respect her feelings on this?

As for the stag do - well, I know people on here have huge tolerance for these lads who need to go off on their wee boys' outings, but at 38 weeks? This man who's so desperate to know the sex of his child is risking missing the birth? Missing the chance to support his partner when she really needs him?

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Infinity I do find it entirely relevant, I fail to see how he can claim to want to know the sex for bonding purposes when he's happy to potentially miss the birth. Surely that's an ultimate bonding experience- supporting me, helping to birth the child, making himself useful, watching the babies first breath, cutting the cord, holding the newborn baby. If he wants to miss the birth that's up to him, but to claim he wants to ruin the surprise for me, so he can feel more bonded with the child he's happy to miss the birth of, just doesn't sit well with me!

Babyboom exactly, and to be honest, even though alot of his mates are pushing 40, some of them still have that immature attitude and I can think of one in particular who would think it's funny to tell me the sex! And yes EXACTLY my point. I'm actually not entirely fussed about him going on the stag do (I'm a bit of a 'lone ranger' when giving birth, but I also think that it will be his mistake to regret, not mine), just don't claim to be desperate to know the sex, but be happy to miss the birth! My god if it does actually happen when he's away, I'm DEFIANTLY not telling him what it is until he gets home with his tail between his legs ;-)

[OhMjh]

I get both of your points. I'm mother to an 8 week old DD and didn't want to know but DP struggled massively with my pregnancy ( unplanned, writing a dissertation, young parents) and knowing we were having a little girl and calling her by her name really helped him bond with her and feel less..unimportant I guess. We won't be finding out with the next one though!

That said, he should be supportive of your decision and you have a pretty legitimate reason for being wary of sexing scans. Also the bonding idea seems to be bullshit in his case if he's happy to miss the birth of his first child. Stick to your guns, put your foot down and tell him to drop it or he won't be coming to the other two scans

[PossumPoo]

I think your wants trump his at the stage. DH didn't want to find out with DD and l wasn't fussed so we didn't. He wants to find out the sex thus time but l dont think l do. I really enjoyed the surprise at the birth.

[fairgame]

What if only one of you knows the sex as a compromise?
When i was pregnant DP knew the sex and i didn't. He really wanted to know and i was happy for him to wait behind after the scan and find out on as long as he promised not to tell me. He kept his promise and i didn't find out until DS arrived!

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Thanks everyone! Him finding out isn't an option as he is USELESS with surprises!

He can not keep a secret- he's already given me my Valentine's day present and had to tell me as soon as he ordered it as he couldn't bare the anticipation!

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

I have been in the other boat. we didn't find out with our first two DC but mutual agreement and I wanted to know with DC3. DH didn't and I felt I had to respect that.

At the end of the day, I think it's the mother's final call. But I also feel that not wanting to know kind of trumps knowing, because not knowing is nature's default IYSWIM.

Gender reveal parties are also the ultimate in naff So for that reason alone he's being a tit. A baby's sex is a part of who they are, not a big song and dance for showing attention on the parents.

[originalusernamefail]

I think you have to go with what you want - willing to miss the birth but can't possibly wait to find out what's coming, bugger that! We did find out the sex at scan, but that was because DH was curious and I had known from the BFP that DS was DS (and I was right) so there was no surprise anyway .

On your new baby. Stick to your guns.

[NoRoomForALittleOne]

I think I'd have to text him back something about this "amazing idea" that you've had about finding out the sex of the baby. Then tell him to grow up and be at the birth! Surely that is THE most amazing way to find out? There is no way that seeing a cake cut is even close to seeing for yourself on your brand new baby.

[Bair]

I can totally see your side with this. I knew with DS and had an epidural. This time I'm going natural and part of my keep calm and push gently plan is knowing I'm working towards baby coming and finding out if I have another son or if I have a daughter. I'll be pleased either way, but I do not want to know yet.

This is DH's first, and I think he'd like to know early.

The fact he's going away when you're not happy with it so close to your due date says you win and he can sing for it.

[Inpup]

I'd tell him to back off !

But then I don't mince my words. Be firm and stand your ground.