2nd baby - when or maybe not at all?

[chunckster]

My dh and i are both in our late 30's so don't want to leave it too long before we try for another - that is if we do at all? can't decide whether i actually want another. ds is 6 months and i found pregnancy incredibly hard and also found first 3 months or so with ds v difficult - led to big rows and stress between me and dh, so bad i wondered if i wanted to be with him anymore and i'm now on ad's. thing been alot better recently so part of me says let's just be happy for what we've got, but then i don't want to leave it too late if we do decide to try for another. any advice please?

[babygirl05]

Hello!! my partner has totally changed since my dd came along, she was one last week. I was thinking about having another baby but have decieded against it for now, as like you i started questioning whether or not i even wanted to be with my partner anymore, it was alot of stress that i dont think im ready to go through again at the minute. I sometimes think the same as you have said, lets just be happy with what we have. what does your dh say about having another?? xx

[merrily]

I would say don't even think about it for another year or so. You're in your late 30s - you've still got a few fertile years left! I didn't feel remotely broody when DD was 6 months old. Now she is 18 months old, gaining independence, and sleeping through the night (most nights) I am ready to get pregnant again. Wait and see how you feel next year.

[chunckster]

he's quite undecided too, although he would be happy if another one came along

[fondant4000]

We had our first when I was 40. It took us at least 18 months before we could even contemplate having another one!

I think we agreed not to even think/discuss it for at least the first year.

If it turned out that it didn't happen after that, well that was better than rushing in when we weren't ready (for us).

Think this is fairly normal. Out of 5 women in my original NCT group:

1 had 2nd 18 months later (i.e. conceived when her dd was 9 months)

3 of us are having 2nd babies 3.5 years later (i.e. conceived when first was over 2.5 yrs old) - and I'll be 43!!

1 is just starting to try for her 2nd - and originally said she would NEVER have a second!

I know you are concerned about your age, but if it's not the right time it's really better to set aside (say at least 6 months) and not revisit it until then.

[oops]

Message withdrawn

[yomellamoHelly]

Ds will be 3.2 when db arrives. Ds will have just started nursery (5 mornings a week). Think that'll be about right for my sanity - that said nr 2 took 15 months to conceive so it's purely accidental that the timing is so nice. Does prevent me from earning any money for longer though.

[robin3]

I'm 37 and had my second in July. There is 2.5 years between the boys. Like you I had a rough time the first time around but durind DS1's 2nd year things got much much easier and I started to feel confident that we could cope. By the time DS2 was born, DS1 was pretty independent and since that time he has come on leaps and bounds (eating on his own, using potty on his own, fetching nappies etc) and LOVES his brother so much, so I think it's really added to his life. He was also in nursery 3 days a week which helped.

I hired a doula for the afternoons in the first 4 weeks and it was great. I was so positive this time and managed to keep on top of the tiredness. DS2 is very laid back and smiley.

I think it's too early for you to have recovered from the first time around. It really took me a year before I felt I was fully myself again and then we had another 6 months to relax a little before pregnancy started.

[sleepfinder]

I'm really glad you started this thread. I'm 37 and my first child is 1 month old.

I asked a similar question on here a few weeks ago and got a lot of replies from mothers of 30 or 31 yrs whose babies were now 3 or 4 years old. While they were trying to help, its completely different to being in your late 30's, having a tiny baby and contemplating "how much time is left"...

I am undecided and won't "act" on getting pregnant until we're both (DH and I ) sure. Having said that, I know people who knew from the start they always wanted more than one - and plan it out!

Do you feel as I do, that you may need to see this little personality develop first? I think when my DS is maybe 2 or 3 yrs old I'll have a better idea - and while I'll be a bit older (40-42) I will also know what kind of shape I'm in and if I feel strong enough to go through another pregnancy and birth...

A little time also gives your relationship with your DP a chance to settle and normalise too, perhaps...

[incy]

If anyone had suggested another when DS was 6 months I would have told them where to go !!!!! !Even at 18 months I was wary. Now he is 2 and I am (just) pregnant again and it feels really right. Like you, I had an awful pregnancy and felt awful post birth and I think just give it time to make a decision. I know you say you are older but you still have time. From my experience you will know when the time is right (maybe never) so don't feel rushed.