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Pregnancy

DP not as involved as I had hoped - am I being unreasonable/crazy??

38 replies

scaredexcited · 22/09/2014 13:48

I'm 21+6 and, so far, I am very disappointed by DP's attitude to our first pregnancy. Throughout our relationship, DP has been very vocal about the fact that he really wants kids; it was me who needed convincing, to be honest. So I'm very surprised at the way in which he has been behaving so far during the pregnancy. Despite saying how happy and excited he is about the whole thing, DP continues to go out and socialise as normal, often going out on a Friday or Saturday until 3am, leaving me at home feeling sorry for myself. He's also shown little interest in reading up on pregnancy and childbirth, even though I've given him things to read. In addition, I have had to organise the redecoration of our flat without any input from him, and while he helped with some of the work, I have had to do the lion's share, including most of the painting and de-cluttering.

I suppose I am disappointed that DP has not been more hands-on during the pregnancy, given that he was so keen on having kids. I'm also terrified that he will be similarly hands-off when the baby comes, leaving me to look after it on my own. I have spoken to DP about my feelings on a number of occasions,but I struggle to do so in a reasonable way, meaning that we end up having nasty arguments during which I say things that I later regret.

Am I being unreasonable to expect DP to make more of an effort during my pregnancy? And does this spell disaster for when the baby arrives?

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JacktheLab · 22/09/2014 13:50

My dh isn't really bothered ab

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JacktheLab · 22/09/2014 13:52

Argh, he's not that bothered about the pregnancy stage, this time or last but he's a fab dad once the baby is here.

It's hard for men to bond beforehand, you can feel the baby they can't.

I'm not suitable about asking for help though Wink

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flingingmelon · 22/09/2014 14:11

My DH was the same, drive myself nuts asking him to pack his hospital bag.

He fights me for cuddles with DS now Smile

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ohthegoats · 22/09/2014 14:23

Mine was/is the same. I'm 39+ weeks now, and he still hasn't given up drinking most nights. Having said that, I had a false alarm labour start on Friday night and he sprung into action surprisingly well... even volunteered a visit to Mothercare on Saturday after the panic was over and we realised we weren't really ready.

At some point you'll have to have a conversation with him about it if he doesn't show any signs of bucking up, but don't be surprised if it takes AGES.

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Kantha · 22/09/2014 14:23

My DH refused to read pregnancy books or discuss names (until very late on). He missed the 12 week scan because of an 'important' work meeting. I had to make a big issue to get him to come to the first NCT lesson (work again). He didn't go out till 3 am twice a week though. That I think is unfair on you. When questioned, his response was that he would be a good dad once baby arrived.

You know what, he is a fantastic Dad to both our DCs now aged 6 & 3. Involved, patient, loving etc.

We are now expecting DC3 and I would say he is more into preparing for this arrival than with DC1. He still refuses to discuss baby names though (am 35 weeks Angry) Grin!

I think some men find it tricky to get excited during the pregnancy. There is an awful lot of waiting and not much changing for them apart from a hormonal/expanding partner who can't or doesn't want to do what they normally do.

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partyskirt · 22/09/2014 14:28

Yes, don't worry too much about the bigger picture, as I'm sure he'll step up when the baby is actually born, though it is annoying the drinking/out late bit, and the flat (non) decoration. Did you tell him he wasn't being fair re. not doing half the painting etc.?

Tips:
Give him a task like it's his job to source nutritious ingredients and cook you a nice meal each night. And also try to lie in bed together and read a short baby book (just a 'baby is size of a peach' type excerpt) each night. Ask him to put his hand on your tummy and feel.

Good luck. In my experience it was only with my first pregnancy/child that I really understood what gender inequality was and how roles still are very different.

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Heels99 · 22/09/2014 14:29

My dh read no pregnancy books. He is a great dad. But the not helping you around the house and frequent staying out till 3 am I wouldn't be happy about.

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elelfrance · 22/09/2014 14:32

My DH was the same about the books etc, he had no interest. I would put the foot down about him picking up the heavy work around the house though.
No reason to worry he won't be a good Dad though, men will often transform once the baby arrives

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scaredexcited · 22/09/2014 14:36

partyskirt - I did tell him that he was being unfair by leaving all the decorating up to me, but he said that it simply 'wasn't his thing' (ugh!!!). He did a little bit, but then more or less sat and watched me do the rest. I completely agree that pregnancy really highlights the level of gender equality that exists. I can't explain how angry it makes me feel, particularly because I don't seem to be able to do much to change it.

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Heels99 · 22/09/2014 14:41

He sounds immature. What if changing nappies, cleaning the house, taking kids to school are ' not his thing' ? He either is your partner and you work as a team or he isn't! He doesn't get to pick and choose what is his thing! How long have you been together? He needs to shape up before baby comes as the stress and additional chores that a new baby creates means you need his help.

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Heels99 · 22/09/2014 14:42

It isn't gender equality that is the issue, it is your dp. Many husbands and partners are hands on and work as a team with with their partners. Yours is choosing not to.

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Doublethecuddles · 22/09/2014 14:45

I think it's a man thing! My DH wasn't much use during pregnancy, but I think it's more difficult for men, as they don't really understand what your body is going through. He didn't come to the antenatal classes, it I didn't expect him to as his business's was going through a difficult phase.
When my DT came along he tried really hard, when I was breast feeding there wasn't a lot he could do? Now the children are older he is fantastic with them. He just wasn't a baby person!

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MewlingQuim · 22/09/2014 14:49

My dh wasn't particularly excited about my pregnancy either. He felt that it was something that was physically only happening to me, and the baby wasn't here yet so there was nothing to get excited about.

He was also a bit crap after dd arrived. His idea of 'helping' was standing around holding the baby while I ran about doing washing, cleaning, cooking etc. As a pp also found, the difference in gender roles was shocking despite a previously equal relationship. His life carried on as normal while mine was endless chores and no sleep. I had a major rant at dh when dd was about 8 weeks old. It seemed that he had no idea that he wasn't doing enough Confused

Things vastly improved once dd was old enough to be a bit more interactive iyswim, and now he is a fab dad. I suppose that I should have spoken out about my feelings earlier then maybe the rant wouldn't have been necessary Hmm

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scaredexcited · 22/09/2014 14:52

Heels99 - we have been together for 7 years and have, until now, generally worked v well as a team. He is attending antenatal classes with me, which is something. I just hate the fact that he's making me feel so resentful and sorry for myself Sad

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Heels99 · 22/09/2014 14:53

My dh didn't come to ante natal classes. Do you mind me asking Is there a reason you aren't married?

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museumum · 22/09/2014 14:58

My dh didn't read anything about pregnancy or childbirth. I told him what I thought he needed to know and sent him on a 1-day dads to be course about the birth.
To be honest pregnancy didn't really happen to him. Not in any real way. And I felt he'd be better learning about a dad's role at the birth than coming to preg yoga with me to learn about my bit :)
He's been a totally fantastic father though this first year.
In your shoes the only bit I'd be pissed off about is the helping with the house bit. But with up to 20weeks still to go did he feel you had plenty of time?
Is he going out now because he knows he soon won't be able to for a while? Or does he think he'll carry on when the baby's here?

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WhyOWhyWouldYou · 22/09/2014 15:00

I think it's fairly normal for men not to change until the baby arrives, I don't think it seems truely real to most of them until baby is actually here. Whereas women have to go through pregnancy so it becomes real far sooner.

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Ikillpotplants · 22/09/2014 15:01

I could have written your post during my pregnancy OP - I remember crying over phone to my mum in third trimester that he was running out of time to come round to the idea. Baby arrived and he was smitten. I didn't change a nappy whilst he was on paternity leave, even though when I was pregnant he declared he wasn't going to change any! Not that I'm saying it's ok for your DH to behave like that, but I do agree with other posters that some men can be a bit rubbish sympathising with pregnancy, and seem to want to hang onto their old lifestyle til the last minute.

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halfdoneharris · 22/09/2014 15:04

My DH has struggled to show any excitement about either of my pregnancies (currently 26wks with No 2) but he is a fab dad to dd. As PP have said, all the changes are happening to your body and they feel quite separate from it, but once there is a physical child in their arms they can really step up and be excellent dads.
I think it also depends if you are having an easy pregnancy - I did, and my DH kept seeming to forget that anything was different as I just carried on as normal (but did make him do the heavy stuff like carry vacuum upstairs).
The drinking thing maybe your DP having a last hurrah as he might have far fewer opportunities in the next few years to be so sociable.
I wouldn't worry just yet. x

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DanyStormborn · 22/09/2014 15:05

My DH is showing no interested in researching, buying for the baby or thinking of a name. He just leaves me to it. He doesn't comment on my growing bump or ask about my midwife appointments. He thinks that as I have read everything and he trusts me to make good decisions then he can just follow my lead/do as I say. He thinks that as I did the reading I know best what to buy. He doesn't mind me choosing a name so long at it isn't crazy and it doesn't remind him of a badly behaved past student (he's a teacher).

I'm annoyed but not worried about when the baby gets here. I'm comparing it to when we got our cats; he wasn't at all interested in reading about them or deciding where to get them, I chose them, I bought all the stuff and I named them with no input from him at all (his choice). But once they arrived he was amazing with them. I still make the main decisions regarding their diet and healthcare and decide when they need to see a vet but he picks up the cat food I choose, feeds them everyday, brushes their long fur, gives them lots of attention (more than I do most days) and will take them to the vet if I'm not available.

I've told DH that when I am recovering and getting breastfeeding started that he will have to do most other stuff including most nappy changes. Also once I go back to work he will have the baby full time during school holidays. He just says that's fine and doesn't seem worried.

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ohthegoats · 22/09/2014 15:14

I've no reason to think he wouldn't do his fair share, but my line is "You're a parent too." and that will be it - I'm not the only parent in this family, half and half is fair. I think over the next week or so I'm going to initiate the chat about making sure that after the first crazy weeks, we get some activities to ourselves every week. Even if it's just an hour for me to go to an exercise class, or to go to hockey training, or for him to go watch the match in the pub. Only fair that that time is the same for both, I'll insist on it really.

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ohthegoats · 22/09/2014 15:17

Mine also already does all the cooking, his fair share of any DIY (we both like doing that though), and cleaning, all the gardening... I do erm... ah yeah, I do the growing of our child and the washing up and cleaning of the bathroom. Erk. Thing is, the things he does aren't 'chores' to him - he loves cooking, gardening and doesn't mind a bit of DIY. I don't like cleaning the bathroom or washing up. I'd cook more, but I'm not as good as him - he covers every meal I make him in Tabasco before he eats it!

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scaredexcited · 22/09/2014 15:36

No reason why we're not married. My pregnancy has been event-free (no morning sickness, etc.), so he might feel that I'm still able to manage, although it should be pretty obvious from my bump (and my nagging/pleading) that I need help. He may indeed feel that the next few months are his last hurrah, but it's still not fair to make me feel this way. On the plus side, he has also come to all of my MW appointments so far. I'm glad to hear that many OHs have come around after the birth. It's just hard not to panic about the future and it's definitely not how I imagined pregnancy to be.

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Heels99 · 22/09/2014 15:38

Have you discussed how you will manage financials whilst on maternity leave?

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canweseethebunnies · 22/09/2014 16:04

I understand your frustration. Don't think mines as bad as yours, but I asked my dp if he would attend birth preparation session with a yoga teacher, and he said it 'wasn't his thing'. I pointed out that pregnancy and labour weren't exactly my favourite hobby either, but with a lot more expletives! He's been a bit dismissive of my need for a bit of tlc as well.

I can't say your dp will come around, who knows? I'm fairly sure that mine is actually a decent bloke, who will realise the reality of the situation once he becomes a father (I'm already a mum). Do you think your is?

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