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Pregnancy

Feeling anxious & a little depressed

8 replies

Bumpngrind85 · 20/08/2014 12:34

Hello. I'm new to mumsnet & hoping that someone out there feels similar or can at least relate to my current situation. I am 20 weeks pregnant and the whole thing came as a massive shock. My husband is over the moon and whilst we were thinking about starting a family in the next year or so i'm not sure i'm ready for such a massive change. I'm really hoping my feelings will change in the next 20 weeks. I've never been very maternal and if a child is screaming on my train I will move carriages asap. My mums & friends say that when it is your own it's completley different and i'm praying this is the case as would hate to bring a child into the world without being 100% loving towards them. I felt my baby move for the first time properly this morning whilst in bed and the experience was quiet disconcerting. I was hoping when this happened I would feel a sense of bonding but it had the opposite effect and i'm feeling quite out of my depth.

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tertle · 20/08/2014 12:43

Don't worry. For different reasons from yours, I felt quite anxious about becoming a mum and found it hard to enjoy my pregnancy. As my due date approached I started becoming more and more apprehensive about what it would be like when the baby was born.
However since my daughter was born everything has fallen into place. It's amazing how nature takes over and you just get on with being a mum! Becoming a parent is a massive change to your life, it's normal to feel nervous about it. And don't feel bad if you feel strange once the baby is born either. I love my daughter more than anything but once she arrived I still had to take some time to 'grieve' for my previous life.
Good luck and take each day as it comes.

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Bumpngrind85 · 20/08/2014 12:50

Thank you Tertle. When did you have your baby? I find it hard to talk to my friends about it as I do feel guilty/ashamed of my current state of mind. At times I can feel happy about it but that feeling usually subsides when I think about what's actually going to happen and change in my life. I feel very unhappy about how my body is changing etc. I find out the sex of the baby on Friday. Maybe that will help....

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tertle · 20/08/2014 12:57

DD is 5 months old. We didn't find out the sex but I have heard that that can help with bonding. I found the movements a bit weird at the beginning too but after a while they became comforting and I started to feel real love towards my baby when I could feel her moving about.
And as for your shape; I always thought I'd love my pregnant body but I felt unsexy and fat. Try to embrace it as a first pregnancy is special but it's no such thing that every pregnant woman loves their shape. Far from it!
Don't feel guilty about your feelings! It is perfectly normal to have doubts and worries. However if these feelings start to become unmanageable mention them to your GP or midwife.

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DizzyKipper · 20/08/2014 12:59

I was quite anxious when pregnant with DD, I had some very sad aspects to my childhood and have never been a child person so I was worried I might not love any child I had and that I'd be a bad mum. I was particularly concerned at the idea of having a girl as I feared I'd project issues from my past onto her and never bond (we didn't find out gender at the scan). Once DD got here I absolutely fell in love with her and know absolutely that my life would be so much emptier if she wasn't here. Funnily enough I'm pregnant with DC2 and still getting some of the old fears, what if I don't love him/her, what if I can't bond, I'm a bad mum etc. I think for some of us worrying goes with the territory, but I don't think that means you'll not fall in love with your little one once they're here.

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Bumpngrind85 · 20/08/2014 13:04

Thank you so much both. Funnily enough i think a lot of my fears stem from experiences with my own child hood too. There was a lot of drinking involved and also frequent arguments between my mum and dad. Thanks again.

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Thurlow · 20/08/2014 13:06

Try not to worry too much about it, if you can. What you are feeling is quite normal for a lot of women.

My pregnancy was a shock too and it took me a very long time know actually be at one with the fact that there was going to be a baby at the end of it. I felt stressed for a lot of the pregnancy, and with hindsight it was because I just wasn't prepared for the pregnancy. I'd always imagined deciding to have a baby, trying to have a baby, being healthy, being ready - not sideswiped with an unexpected pregnancy. And not having had all the "last hurrah"s I had promised myself, like a girl's holiday, losing a bit of weight, quitting smoking how I wanted to quit not cold turkey with no warning, which did not go well at all. I don't think that helps how you feel at all.

I also didn't like it when the baby moved for the first few weeks. I really disliked the soft, gentle movements around 20w or so pregnant, and preferred it when the baby was much bigger and the movements were a lot more obvious.

I found finding out the sex helped me a lot because I started to think about my daughter, not "the baby". But don't worry if that doesn't happen for you. Every women will have a different moment where it all clicks into place and they feel excited and like a mum to be. For some women that will be when they get that first positive test result, for other women it might not be until the baby is actually born.

Try not to stress about it too much, as that's a vicious cycle anyway. Remember that your hormones are going to crazy at the moment too which really doesn't help, it can make every emotion very extreme.

And I know plenty of women who worship the ground their children walk on, who can cope with all the crying and the worry and the mess and the endless playing of the same game for three hours for their child, but can't stand other children. That's perfectly normal too Smile

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Bumpngrind85 · 20/08/2014 13:38

Thurlow thats exactly what I needed to hear. Wow if only i'd heard about mumsnet earlier. It's so great to heat other opinions. I'm the first of all my friends to get pregnant - a lot of them are trying hard to concieve so the last thing I want to talk about with them is how daunting it all is. Thanks for the advice - it's really putting my mind at ease.

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Thurlow · 20/08/2014 13:47

That's what MN is for. It's very hard to talk about some things in RL because you know it will upset or hurt or even just confuse you friends and family. But it's quite nicely anonymous on here so share to your heart's content!

Do bring it up at your mw appoint if feel you can, though. I don't think you sound depressed, just naturally confused, but it never hurts to talk to a professional if you like and trust them.

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