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I'm so, so jealous of everyone who gets to just look forward to their baby arriving :(

(36 Posts)
feelingbroken Wed 30-Jul-14 08:29:39

I feel like my heart is breaking. We've been told by our landlord that the notice he served (just a section 21 because he wants his flat back, we haven't done anything to cause it) stands and that he won't renew our tenancy. As we can't get a new deposit together and have no guarantor we can't find anyone else who will rent to us either. DH is on a low wage and I had to leave university during pregnancy as I've been so ill (I was a mature student), but I thought we were stable or could find somewhere else and we were so excited for this baby, our first.

Now we've had to go to the council for help and are being rehoused as homeless, so in all likelihood we'll be in temporary accomodation when the baby's born in Septmber. It also means I somehow need to change GPs right at the end of my pregnancy and that'll be a total mess as well with no permanent address...

I just feel like I've failed at being a mum before I've even started. I've been in floods of tears for days. We've managed to scrape together the basics of what the baby needs, mainly down to the generosity of friends' hand-me-downs, and now all we need are nappies, so he shouldn't want for anything but I just feel distraught that we won't be bringing him home to a home like I thought we would but somewhere temporary and awful for god knows how long sad everyone I know who's pregnant is talking about getting their last bits of nursery furniture together and painting baby's room and it's killing me inside sad

I'm sorry for rambling, I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do except wait and see and do the best with what we have, but I just don't know how to get past this feeling of utter failure and it's stopping me from looking forward to meeting our baby like I should be and that makes me feel even worse... I feel so sorry for him already. I guess I just needed to get it out because there's nothing more I can do but I just feel awful sad

Thanks for even reading this.

Seriouslyffs Wed 30-Jul-14 08:31:59

flowers
The baby won't notice. All it needs is you.

EndOfPrimary Wed 30-Jul-14 08:35:00

'Floods of tears' - do you think you might also be depressed?

Bad things are happening to you, and it's understandable that you're stressed and worried. But lots of things about your post suggest you might be depressed.

Could you discuss depression with your GP or someone else?

Needadvice5 Wed 30-Jul-14 08:37:52

I would probably feel exactly the same as you because you want everything perfect, but as seriously says the baby will only need you and won't remember any of this!

you'll get through this xxx

feelingbroken Wed 30-Jul-14 08:43:14

EndOf I don't think so, but I do have very low self-esteem that causes me anxiety issues. It's been an awful lot better over the past 18 months but all this has just knocked me backwards sad fortunately DH understands and helps massively but it's hard when he's out at work all day and all I can do is sit home and think. I'm worried enough about mentioning to my midwife that I'll be having to move soon, let alone bringing how I'm feeling about that into it.

Thanks Seriously and Need thanks

Solasum Wed 30-Jul-14 08:44:47

Chin up. Baby has two loving parents, and at the moment that is all that he or she will care about.

It is all up from here. And newborn cuddles will be wonderful!

Honestly I understand why you're so upset it's not the start in life you expected for your first child, my ds has moved 7 times in his life die to my changing circumstances.

Honestly babies do not care ! Concentrate in looking after yourself, accept help and look forward to being in your own place when you can sort out the circumstances.

This isn't your fault, it's the landlord. I am a landlord and I would never do that to a pregnant woman so they are a special kind of asshole to be behaving in this way

Due that is cheers autocorrect !

Solasum Wed 30-Jul-14 08:47:49

Talk to your midwife. She will have seen it all before. And do not sit around moping. Find a bumps and baby group and pick up sone last minute tips, get some fresh air. It will all be fine!

MrsReacher85 Wed 30-Jul-14 08:48:42

If anything, the easiest time to have to move around is with a newborn, they're not mobile and all they need to feel safe is you! All they need is food, sleep and love, and they can get all that from you.

I know it doesn't feel like it but honestly, this will not matter at all. It will not change how you feel about your baby and how they feel about you.

My DS is almost 2 and I'm jealous that you're going to be getting newborn cuddles!

seasavage Wed 30-Jul-14 08:50:08

Get the support for you emotionally. As everyone has said this baby really will have all his needs met through you and partner. My mum and Dad started out really struggling, ... They were young. Since I was born they've both done exceedingly well educationally and in their careers (my mum took her A levels when I did mine, did a part-time degree and then accountancy exams). They have bailed me out of difficulties (and other family members). They are still very cautious financially. But I genuinely think their relatiinship

NoMontagues Wed 30-Jul-14 08:51:18

If you're in private rented accommodation now then why can't you move to another privately rented flat? If it's because you need a deposit to secure somewhere and you won't get your existing deposit back from your landlord until you have vacated, then can you look at borrowing the money for the interim?
Or speak to your landlord about getting the deposit back early? You are facilitating him by vacating on his specified date (I assume?) so it's fair enough that you ask him to facilitate YOUR move too. Even if he says no it's worth asking.
I understand your feelings completely as you are probably wanting to nest now and need to know where you're going to be.
You might feel better if you can get a bit of control over the situation and not have to rely on the council.

feelingbroken Wed 30-Jul-14 08:51:57

Solasum I'm starting NHS antenatal classes soon so hopefully that will help but not driving and having mild SPD do make things harder! Hopefully being able to go to those will help and make me feel like I'm doing something constructive. Thanks for your kind words smile

prettywhite thank you smile trying to look after myself as best I can, staying calm is the main bit I suppose!

seasavage Wed 30-Jul-14 08:52:32

Sorry. Relationship got really strong through it and because of it they have a great deal of confidence to 'get on with it'. Best wishes.
You've not done anything 'wrong' by your child. At all x

ithoughtofitfirst Wed 30-Jul-14 08:54:33

Agree solasum that lucky baby will have parents that will love them and care for them ie everything they need.

The house we were renting got sold when I was 32 weeks and we had to move. It wasn't too bad once we were In and settled.

It is very stressful though xxx

feelingbroken Wed 30-Jul-14 09:00:25

X-post! Thanks also MrsReacher, seasavage and ithought, all these message are helping me get my perspective back and feel a bit calmer thanks

NoMontagues we currently rent with a co-tenant and the existing deposit was his (back before I was even on the scene and DH, then single, didn't have anything to put towards it). The council offered us a deposit guarantee to try and stay here but no LLs, including the current one, will accept it in our area. We can't even afford to take out a loan at the moment as we're already stretched enough, we would if we could. Add to this that we'll be relying on some housing benefit to top up DH's wages and no one in the area will touch us sad thanks for trying though! You're right about the wanting to nest and feel in control, it's crap, and all of the above adds to why I feel we've failed - we were supposed to just take over the tenancy here but he's changed his mind as he wants to increase the rent to way above what we can afford sad thanks though xx

tobeabat Wed 30-Jul-14 09:06:29

That sounds so stressful - think I would feel similar if I were you. I like the idea of asking for your deposit early - worth a try? Also worth looking for private rentals immediately, in case there's anything affordable?

But as everyone says, the baby will not notice! As long as you have somewhere to sleep and a
chair to sit and feed the baby in you have what (s)he needs. Actually, even those things are more for you! - The baby will just want and need his parents, and that's it!

Good luck.

tobeabat Wed 30-Jul-14 09:07:06

Sorry, didn't see update...

We knew we were moving before DS was born, so we spent the last 10 weeks or so of my pregnancy worrying about selling a house, finding a new job for me while I was on mat leave, living among boxes, wondering where the hell we were going to live and how we were also going to accommodate my disabled mum. We never did the getting-the-nursery-ready thing either. I was honestly quite relieved that I was in a position not to get sucked into buying piles of crap that we didn't need. They don't even sleep in the nursery for the first six months anyway, so by the time you're settled in a new place, you'll know exactly what you'll need and have a much nicer time doing it.

We moved when DS was seven or eight weeks old and I spent most of that time carrying out four hour round-trips between old and new houses. As someone said upthread, it really was the easiest time for it to have happened as all DS did was sleep in the car, go on the boob, sleep some more in the car and remain blissfully unaware of the whole hellish situation.

This too shall pass, and once you're settled, it will only be a hazy memory smile

I do think you should discuss the possibility of pre-natal depression with your midwife though, especially if you have a history of anxiety. I was nervous about telling my MW about our move as well, but you won't be the first or the last, I promise! You need to make sure you're as psychologically prepared as possible for the upheaval to come. thanks

tobeabat Wed 30-Jul-14 09:13:07

Don't know if this is feasible in your area, but could you look into house sitting or being a property guardian?

GreedyBitch Wed 30-Jul-14 09:23:42

Please don't compare what you have or have not to others. If you are on an antenatal thread where others are (quite reasonably) getting excited about brand new nursery furniture and upsizing the family car then take a break from it. Your baby does not give a hoot about the size or location of your home or whether his room will contain bespoke furniture. You are not doomed; you are merely starting at the bottom of the ladder like many, many folk do thanks

Toomanyhouseguests Wed 30-Jul-14 09:25:35

It is rough. But try to see it as a temporary set back not your ever-after, because it is not your ever after.

On the plus side, your baby won't know the difference. All he needs is you. Really. As long as you are safe, warm, dry and well nourished, his world will be perfect.

My parents were hippies and had no money when I was born. They used an old cardboard wine box for a moses basket and had to heat water on the hob for baths. I never knew the difference. It was my mom who had all the hard work!

monsterowl Wed 30-Jul-14 09:36:14

Really sorry to hear this. I have moved a few times with tiny children and I sympathise. Being evicted from your home is horrible at any time, but especially when your 'nest building' instincts are running at full throttle and you want everything perfect for your baby! A few points:

1. Some landlords or agents will consider a 'risky' tenant if you pay all the rent in advance - is this an option? I actually looked into this a while ago as I was in a similar situation. I found that if I got a bank loan for the year's rent, but repaid it over the course of the year, it would only have costed me about £300 in interest, which isn't that bad, plus you could reasonably ask any LL for a discount in return for them getting the rent up front.

2. If you're on a low income, then being classified as 'homeless' puts you quite high up the social housing priority list (especially if you're pregnant or have a new baby), so hopefully you can find somewhere nice. Social housing rent is much cheaper than private rent, you won't get evicted at the whims of the LL, and after a while you will have the right to buy the property at a discount. So in the long term a move to social housing could be a really good deal for your little family, and give you some security and stability too.

3. Very important: some councils take the view that if you vacate your rental property on the date that the tenancy ends, you have made yourself voluntarily homeless, and you become less of a priority. Instead, they expect you to stay in the property until you are formally evicted by a court. It is really important that you check this! And also, I guess, check what would happen with your deposit in such a case - the LL might want to claim court costs.

4. If changing GPs is going to be a hassle, don't do it. Either discuss the situation with your current surgery to see if you could stay on (if that's feasible), or don't tell them you've moved and get your mail redirected to an address where you can pick it up.

5. Remember that a lot of what you are feeling at the moment is hormone-influenced, and that things are not as bad as they might sometimes seem!

Sparkle9 Wed 30-Jul-14 10:33:43

Monster owl gives some very good advice. I would suggest you go to moneysavingexpert forums (buying and renting) and post there. Someone will be able to tell you if the S21 is valid (these have to be very carefully done) and also give advice about not vacating until a court order is served. Some councils do in fact need you to wait for this in order to be classed as homeless.

I hope things get better for you soon.

monsterowl Wed 30-Jul-14 10:54:58

Also, it's worth contacting Shelter for advice if you haven't already. They are fantastic and really helped me when I was having LL troubles. You can either phone them or fill out a form on their website and they will email you. In my experience it's better to phone because you have more opportunity to ask questions etc, but often their lines are busy.

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