DP not birth partner... Is that weird?

[Firsttimer101]

Hi everyone, very recently got BFP, 1st time so all new and exciting, my DP has already decided that although pleased and happy to be involved in everything before and after he doesn't want to be at the actual birth. I know he's rubbish at medical stuff, really weak stomach, not great with blood etc etc so I'm honestly not too bothered and have sisters and friends I can drag in with me! But does anyone think this is really weird? Anyone else's DP/DH felt the same then changed their minds later on?
Thank you!

[ZylaB]

My DP is squeamish. We've come to an agreement that he'll stay at the head end and maybe cut the cord if he can.

He will be there, he has no choice in the matter and I've been making him watch one born every minute to start getting used to the idea :)

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

Does he think it's 1950? Have you told him that you're not great with blood either so you're also not planning on turning up?
It's not about him, it's about supporting you.

[captainproton]

DH managed to make it for last 30 mins of my first birth. Honestly I was doing fine on my own with the midwife until he appeared full of lame jokes to make me feel better. He had so much nervous energy, when I got stitches he watched, nearly fainted and needed G+A.

It's no surprise I hired a doula the second time around. I was very clear from day one. NO WAY.

Some blokes are just rubbish and I saw enough OBEM to realise that a lot are a hindrance than a help.

[Longdistance]

Not weird at all, if he hates blood and gore. My dh hates blood and gore, but he came, and had strict orders to stay 'up north' (my head end), just holding my hand, holding the g&a.

You may find, closer to the time, he may actually want to be there especially if he ends up talking with other dads, dads to be.

[JennyBlueWren]

My DH always said he wouldn't attend the birth for the same reasons but after talking to friends he's started thinking about being in but staying up the head end. I think he's been told how great it is to hold your child when it's just been born.

I'm quite relieved because I don't have any close friends I'd ask and my parents are quite far away and I wouldn't have thought to ask mum along otherwise but I think if need be she'd be a good practical support.

[Firsttimer101]

I honestly think I'll be ok without him, I'm a wimp and think I'll have a better chance of keeping it together and doing what I'm told if he's not there to be honest but it is still very early days so we might feel totally differently when the big day arrives. Just wanted some outsider opinions so thanks so much for your replies xx

[sunnyrosegarden]

DH was always a bit wobbly about it, and I asked him to leave the room when I was 5cm and it got a bit nasty with ds1. He was getting stressed, and putting me off.

Second time, I took my sister and a friend, and had a wonderful time. DH stayed at home with DS1, and we kept him up to date with developments.

So, not weird at all. It's whatever works for you both.

[AlleyCat11]

Not weird. I don't think the bloke needs to be there. Do whatever suits you as a couple. Dads didn't witness the birth until very recently. I think it's a modrin thing...

[MisForMumNotMaid]

My dad was my birth partner for DD (my third). DH is very squeamish and so's my mum. They looked after the older two at home and came into hospital post scheduled c- section. It was lovely. My dad was the first to hold DD, after the surgeon and midwife, when she was born. He was very calm and it was a lovely birth not having to worry about DH (because I would have done and the thought of him fainting or panicking and needing to leave the room still raises my blood pressure.)

The only slightly odd thing was when we were chatting in the post surgery room and the midwife assumed my dad was my DH. We're not quite that close as a family!

DH has never regretted meeting DD at 2 hrs old when she was all clean and pink. I've never regretted him keeping out the way so I could focus on me and DD.

[JabberJabberJay]

Not weird. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway as long you're happy with the situation.

[ConsiderablyBiggerBuns]

My mum was my birth partner, my DH spent the time (both times) planting a tree. He would have been a complete liability, hospitals make him faint, and I wanted the time to be about me and my babies not about checking he wasn't about to pass out. Worked for us and have never regretted the decision, was really special for my mum as well.

[WineSpider]

I'm sorry but I'll go against the grain here and say that I find it sad and actually a bit pathetic when an otherwise loving partner can't or won't be there because they don't fancy the idea.

He might not like blood and gore (who does?!) but he's not the one that has to go through the pain and sometimes accompanying fear of childbirth - surely he would want to support you and do his bit?

On a practical level what if there are any decisions you need to make together and he is not there to do that with you?

Sorry if that sounds critical, and of course the most important thing is having the right support for you, I just think it's a shame on his part that he will miss out on an amazing moment.

I find it all a bit old fashioned to have the man shuffling around outside while the mum gets on with it and the baby is passsed to him all clean like nothing ever happened. Childbirth is messy, hardwork and emotional, and no longer a secret that has to be kept amongst women.

OP - you have plenty of time so see how you both feel. You know your DP best as well as who will be of most help to you. Being a parent is about more than just the birth of course, but sharing the experience of it together, if you can, is a pretty good start.

Congratulations and good luck.

[squizita]

Interestingly I've had both a MW and an ante natal teacher be very clear If your husband is likely to be crap, find a female birth partner - preferably one who has given birth. the ante natal lady was a doula BTW.
Essentially their point was it is now the we are so modern he is a new man norm to have the man there.
But a birth partner has a role. Some real traumatic moments can be the man going pale or saying "oh my god so much blood" at the wrong moment. The man sticking rigidly to the birth plan when actually the woman wants the drugs, because he deals with fear through control. They told me "its not just holding your hand".

They were most annoyed about the whole " its not the 50s" mentality - in their eyes, most of history and most of the world have medical men and women attend births, with moral support provided by women who have given birth.

Thankfully my DP is totally unsqueamish and unphased by blood, surgery and pain (he once taped my ear back on after an accident, put it that way) so I'm having him there WITH my mum.

But don't choose your birth partner as your DH automatically because its "the norm" ... Or a fantasy DH who won't pass out if he will!
He needs to be there to help you. If he genuinely cannot you are doing neither of you, nor the baby, nor the midwives a big favour.

[Smartiepants79]

It's a little unusual nowadays but you're much better off having someone you can rely on.
You need someone who you don't have to worry about. Someone who can see it through and be your advocate if you need it.

[lettertoherms]

Not weird at all. Your birth partner should be whoever can give you the most support during labor.

[squizita]

... One of them had done some studies into birth partners and birth trauma. It might not be "PC" but she found women with "experienced female" attendants had less... She found it a bit sad and confusing that in the rush to include husbands, a certain degree of pragmatism had been lost culturally.
Why "force" someone who might do a crap job -its an important job! Yeah, its all "man up most men do it" until he says the wrong thing or creates stress because he's in a role he warned you he might be bad at...?

[Burmama]

I don't think it's weird, my DH already said he'll only stay at head end - not sure what use he'd be down below anyway!

[Heatherbell1978]

I have to say if my DH said he didn't want to be there at the birth, I wouldn't be happy at all. Is he planning to be there during labour? They do say that the more support you have during labour the quicker the baby arrives so can you compromise and make sure he's there to give you massage, help you in certain positions and then perhaps see how he feels? I mean you could be in labour for days (hopefully not), so what is he planning to do then? He might then decide to stay for the actual birth if he sees what you've gone through already, or he could leave the room. My DH is really squeamish, can't watch any hospital programmes etc but he wants to be there to witness the birth of his son and wouldn't miss it for the world.

[differentnameforthis]

My dh wasn't at either of the births of our girls.

dd1 - crash section under GA, not allowed to be there
dd2- elective section, same as your dh really, all things medical make him very nervous & anxious.

My consultant for dd2 delivery said that if an birthing partner is likely to be at all worried about what is going, it is best that he/she isn't in attendance. This is because if he/she were to pass out/experience anxiety/panic attacks they are duty bound to look after him/her. They would rather they didn't have to do this, because it takes the focus & resources away from the most most important people in that room - mum & baby.

There will many differing opinions here op, many posters would not be happy about this, but you have to do what works for you. My dh is a fab father, it doesn't matter to us that he wasn't at their births, because he plays such a huge role in their lives.

[capercaillie]

DH was there for both. However, had he decided not to be, then I would have been fine with that. He found it difficult to know what to do. I found myself wanting reassurance and support from midwives rather thran him.

[basgetti]

I don't think it's weird, I will be having my Mum as birth partner for this one and DP will be at home looking after other DC. If you are both happy with the arrangement that's all that matters.

[squizita]

My consultant for dd2 delivery said that if an birthing partner is likely to be at all worried about what is going, it is best that he/she isn't in attendance. This is because if he/she were to pass out/experience anxiety/panic attacks they are duty bound to look after him/her. They would rather they didn't have to do this, because it takes the focus & resources away from the most most important people in that room - mum & baby.

I never thought of that! Of course. I just thought of panic - not actual panic attacks or fainting.

Blimy. That would make it very hard for HCP and mum... not to mention the poor dad who would be slated for being 'selfish' when most likely he was told to be there in the first place.

All I can imagine is if I had a panicky birth partner and was in abject pain, asking in desperation "it's going to be OK?" and them having the wrong face/saying the wrong thing (even if it was all OK) sending me into trauma.