Can't decide

[cantdecide83]

Hi everyone,
I'm aware that the subject of heavy drinking in early pregnancy has been discussed many times before so I don't really know anything new that can be said.
I recently found out I was 4 weeks pregnant which would have been great but for the fact I had been drinking so heavily within the last couple of weeks. My husband and I decided to have one last holiday blowout before ttc in late summer. Drink led to one instance of unprotected sex and two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been drinking an average of 10 units a day for those two weeks. Never drunk but maybe that says something about me.
I've spent the week since my positive test in tears. I'm so certain I've damaged the baby that I'm booked in for an abortion consultation next week. I don't want an abortion but I also don't want to have damaged my baby. I've tried to think positive thoughts about the baby but it doesn't work. I know that if anything at all is wrong with it I'll blame myself. I just don't think I can cope with 9 months of feeling this bad.
I'd love a fresh start but it seems like that's an impossibility now. If I have an abortion I don't know if I'll have regrets and I have higher risks of pre term birth next pregnancy.
I've read all the stories of people who drank at least as much as me for even longer but it doesn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better.
I'm sorry to unload, particularly for those people desperate for a baby who can't believe my stupidity. Believe me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.

[bluehearted]

It's highly unlikely you've damaged the baby by drinking! So many women have done the same thing as you and gone on to have perfectly healthy babies. A lot of women don't know they are pregnant and drink. Don't be so hard on yourself. What does your dh say? What does he feel about the abortion?
You should perhaps speak to your gp about your concerns. Please don't go through with the abortion if you think you'll have regrets (I have had an abortion myself).

Keep talking on here, you'll get lots of good advice and support!

[olaflikeswarmhugs]

I found out about my unplanned pregnancy at 7wks . I was 18 and drinking a lot

My dd is now 9yo and absolutely fine .

[petitverdot]

So sorry you're feeling like this. I had a last blowout in New Yorkthinking there was no way we'd conceive in our first month of "kind of sort of" trying - but we did. I'd been taking advantage of free hotel wine, drinking copious amounts of whisky cocktails and all sorts of other banned foods and drinks. Baby is developing well and normally, currently feeling him wriggling away at 29+2 and have had zero complications so far (touch wood).

I am not a medical professional but I believe there's very little risk of you harming your baby in the first couple of weeks of pregnancy.

[petitverdot]

(Harming your baby through drink, that is!)

[MummyV18]

Yeah speak to a GP about your concerns before you do anything that you would regret. I'm sure the baby will be fine.

I haven't had an abortion myself but I have a friend who has and she still regrets it even though she still says it was the right decision for her.

[LBNM19]

I was the same with my son fell pregnant unexpectedly and I was around 5 weeks when I found out, id been drinking at the weekend regularly with my partner and after work with work colleagues. I actually had a hangover the day I found out. No bad effects from the drinking what so ever, if you want to keep your baby you should I'm sure everything will be fine xxx

[McBear]

I didn't find out for a few weeks. It was Christmas and I had nearly two days off work. One of the nights was NYE. You get the picture. DD was absolutely fine.

As PP has said, so many people do this. Speak to a doctor/midwife. Get opinions and facts from as many sources as possible

And hugs for you

[OwlCapone]

I thought that the placenta wouldn't be fully formed at the point you had the positive test and thus any transfer of alcohol would be minimal. I may be wrong on that point but I think it is extremely unlikely that a short bout of heavy drinking in very early pregnancy would have caused a problem.

[jessiemummy28]

This early in pregnancy you don't share a blood supply with your baby so the chances of you having harmed it in any way are extremely slim!

Lots and lots of people drink before they find out they are pregnant. I was at a hen weekend (with all that involves!) the weekend before getting my bfp (had been trying for a year with no luck so assumed it would be the same that month). DD is now 8 months and absolutely perfect.

Please try to stop worrying. Have a chat with your Dr/midwife and hopefully they'll put your mind at rest.

[Finola1step]

I was drinking to my usual standards when I found out I was pregnant with ds. The night before, I was out to the wee small hours and was bladdered.

Ds is 6. Absolutely fine.

But I'm not sure if happy stories are what to hear. You have had an extreme reaction to your pregnancy and I think the pregnancy itself has really rocked you. Even if you were planning on ttc in the near future, you can still be in shock. It's ok.

Right now, the pregnancy is so new, you will not have harmed the baby. Please speak to your GP.

[cantdecide83]

Thanks everybody.
I have tried so hard to stop worrying. I can't see my midwife until week 8 but I phoned the midwife service. They said it would probably be fine. I went to talk to my doctor because I was so worried still. He was lovely and said it should be fine. He said at that stage he would expect miscarriage or it should be okay. I spoke to another gp to get my abortion referral. He said he knew plenty of people who'd drunk before finding out but none as much as me. He thought it would probably be okay.
My dh thinks it'll probably be okay but he's now leaning towards abortion because he thinks I'm having some sort of breakdown. My mum feels the same.
I'm aware that three medical professionals have told me it will probably be okay and yet I can't stop worrying. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. I can't imagine feeling happy about this pregnancy at any stage because I'm so worried.

[Finola1step]

X post.

You may well benefit from talking to a counsellor. An abortion will not make everything ok again. But I think you know this.

Your GP is quite right.

[Lalalax3]

My best friend was drunk when she got her BFP! She'd been having unprotected sex but wasn't actively trying to get pregnant. Turned out she was 5 weeks pregnant. Her baby boy is 6 months old now and absolutely perfect and gorgeous!

[woodwaj]

Why dont you book in for a private early scan to reassure yourself? You might only see a heartbeat at around 6 weeks plus but it might be what you need.

[squizita]

I'm so certain I've damaged the baby that I'm booked in for an abortion consultation next week.

Please discuss this with the clinic. This is not a healthy reason for a termination: it could cause untold issues psychologically in future. Your GP is absolutely correct: the biggest risk sadly would be loss at this point. You will get a scan (and can get an early scan if you wish to pay for one) which will spot any issues in due course.

It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that drinking over the last couple of weeks has done anything to hurt the baby whatsoever, and most responsible/respected websites and books would mention this. If course you will get ranters and ravers on the internet and forums... don't rely on them. Rely on proper medical sources.

You sound like you have a stonking case of perenatal anxiety. Please go to your Dr and mention this: the idea of terminating because you have convinced yourself you have a damaged baby is very extreme, and there are resources to help you with this emotional pain.

[cantdecide83]

I think I've read so much on the Internet that I'm now convinced this child is going to be disabled for life.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have a child who is severely disabled and I could have done something about it.
I am aware that an abortion doesn't just fix things. But it would mean that I could have a baby that hadn't been affected by drink. It might not be perfect but at least I wouldn't have done it.

[OwlCapone]

It doesn't sound like it is that you can't decide but that you want validation for your choice.

No one can tell you what is right for you.
No one can tell you whether your baby will be 100% fine! but this is true whenever you become pregnant.

You need to do what is right for you for the right reasons.

Good luck.

[Lalalax3]

There's always a possibility that ANY baby won't be fine and will either miscarry or be born with a life-altering condition. By focusing entirely on the negative you've convinced yourself that you've damaged this child. I'd disagree.

[squizita]

Cant seriously step away from the internet. Get a respected book by a medical professional. Speak to your GP about your anxiety.

I've had anxiety badly all my life. I've also had it in direct relation to pregnancy as I have a medical condition which causes miscarriages and have had a 'partial molar pregnancy' before (a quite scary form of loss).
Your thought processes seem familiar to me ... but much, much worse than even at my lowest moments.
You are considering termination to make the fear of a child with a disability go away ... not because the child has a disability.
In all honesty, if you did this, next time you might well find your anxiety latches on to something else and it feels the same...
I don't think the drinks you had are at the root of this
Additionally, I am not sure a responsible family planning centre would allow you to terminate because you think maybe there's a slight risk of a problem based on something you read on the internet.

Your partner and mother are worried about your state of mind. TBH I agree that is the biggest health concern here but with counselling and support trust me that can be dealt with. Perhaps the shock of the pregnancy has done it, but your perspective on the risks is disproportionate and irrational, and you are planning a life changing surgery to get away from the fear of something rather than a concrete risk or problem.
My concern is, that a termination will do nothing to rid you of the fear, but may add guilt to that burden.

[Kim82]

Honestly OP try not to worry. I went to Tenerife with dh when we were trying for dd2. It was a childfree holiday and I'd done a test before we went which was negative and we spent the entire week getting stupidly pissed (seriously, we were very drunk every night for 7 days). I got a positive pregnancy test the week after we go back....oooppss! Anyway, dd2 is now 7, absolutely perfectly fine and healthy and has no problems whatsoever. I doubt very much you have done any harm to the baby.

[Squtternutbaush]

I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant 2 weeks after my 19th birthday which was also the same week my best friends turned 18 and 21. You can imagine the states I got into, we drank solidly for 4 days.

My DS is now 8 and perfectly healthy.

You need to seek help for your anxiety, hormones do funny things to our brains and this is not a rational reaction. Without sounding harsh if you've damaged the baby it won't change just because you've aborted it.

The only difference is that you won't have had the chance to see the outcome.

[jessiemummy28]

You say your Dr has encountered lots of people who drank in early pregnancy but not as much as you. I imagine this is because most people don't tell their Dr! As I said, I drank at a hen weekend before finding out I was pregnant (and before and after the hen weekend) but didn't mention it to either my Dr or midwife. My reaction was just along the lines off 'oops. Well now I know, I will stop drinking'.

[cantdecide83]

I read all your comments and they all make sense and echo everything that my dh, mother and gp have said.
And yet I can't get rid of this fear. At first I thought an abortion would make it better because I wouldn't touch drink at all next time. But then I read about the increased risk of pre term birth and so I've convinced myself that the next baby would be born super early and so have problems.
honestly, I just can't work out how to feel better.

[RJnomore]

Can't, I'm another who was absolutely bladders then found out they were pregnant and she's super.

But that won't really help.

I'm afraid the guilt you are feeling now is never going to go. From th moment you become pregnant, there is guilt that you have done something wrong or not quite right or should have done it better. My oldest is almost 15 and there's been guilt of one sort or another every single day since I got my BFp.

I can't tell you what to do but be prepared to be guilty forever now whatever choice you come to. Of course, parenthood is also full of happy things too, and I hope they come to you.

[Pico2]

It sounds like anxiety is really the problem, not drinking for a couple of weeks. I think you have already spotted that you will find something to get anxious about if you have an abortion and try again. You really do need to do something about your anxiety as pregnancy and parenthood are great, but do add another layer of stuff to worry about to your life.