Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

Whits end with useles OH!

(41 Posts)
Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 06:43:50

Can someone take a subjective look at this situation before I commit murder..?

OH works 5 sometimes 6 days a week. He has to be up at 5.30 and gets home about 5.15. He earns good money.

I am 31 weeks pregnant I too get up with him and then walk dogs, sort out my horse, do washing etc then go to work 8.5 hours not great money and hate my job but had to give up my work when I got pregnant as not safe. When I get home I go straight in the kitchen (he's on sofa) make dinner, sandwiches for next day do pots etc.

He watches endless series of junk tv shows on lovefilm. He knows I hate them. He sits on one sofa I sit on the other. He plays with the dogs/ fusses them but takes pretty little notice of me. Doesn't really want to talk unless pushed then will turn tv up if he's bored with the conversation. Doesn't take much interest in baby/ how I am etc..

If I complain ever about him doing nothing round the house he gets unpleasant saying he's at work longer than me and that all I do is moan and be a martr. It's my fault I do everything.. If I get on at him long enough he will do things very badly and in poor grace and it really annoys me so I end up doing it.

He's lost his tax disc and that's my fault apparently I've thrown it away! I apparently should have gone to the post office to get another as I don't start work till 9. We are going on holiday this weekend and I've left it till last minute he would have done it if he had known I hadn't bothered! I need to print the forms off/ org side the whole thing so he who finished at 3 today vs me at 5.30 can do it- he's left without it!

I'm really truely exhausted and have had a horrendous week at work. He has started going to bed at 8 - he's tired!! He then gets up at 3am and wakes me up, puts tv on and yea then he wants to talk/ be affectionate etc.. I'm aboslutley worn out. Last night I had a massive go he rolls over and goes back to sleep I'm awake again.

He has done bits around the house and the nursery apparently this out weighs anything I do.. He not however put the central heating in for the baby and lies on his arse every night while all the stuff for it is in the dining room.

I've had enough nothing gets through to the idiot everyone at work can't believe how much I'm doing and they don't know the half of it. I'm very hormonal at the moment and have been in tears on the way too and from work. They are trying not to pay me my smp im entitled too and my manager is being vile about mistakes I'm making but I can't help it at all sad

OH says it's my fault I don't stand up for myself it's a multi national not a building site I've complained to hr but that's not good enough I should tell them to get stuffed .. Not that's he's offering to pay all the bills if I do.. He's just never sympathetic to any situation I'm in ever hes always been a selfish pig but i really need some support and am getting nothing I have no family locally it's all his and my friends are 40 mins away I'm really really miserable.

Sorry for the long pointless rant just wanted to write it down ...!

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 11-Jul-14 06:53:41

I'd be pretty miserable too. Has he always been like this?

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 06:59:43

No not as bad but then I was working for myself so had more free time, money and liked my job so didn't mind the house stuff really. Physically everything was easier too walking dogs and doing the horse now is tough he promised to help but he's at work too early....!

He's obsessed with his bloody job. He also has a daughter we have had a lot of upset over who I end up having the primary care of when she's here even MiL is forever saying how much I do for him he doesn't see it whatever I say. I've tried not doing stuff but the house is now filthy and he ate all the sandwich stuff for my pack lunch so I'm currently at bloody Asda could cry I've so had enough sad

LBNM19 Fri 11-Jul-14 08:19:18

I do feel for you my partner is pretty useless to, so lazy and just rude to me all the time xx

DearDinah Fri 11-Jul-14 08:27:22

Horrendous! You don't need this in late pregnancy! Can you go & stay with your parents/friends/family for a few weeks to get some bloody rest?! He'll just have to suck it up & do what needs doing while you're not there, he'll soon realise you're doing too much then!
My OH isn't great, he spends more time at the gym than he does at home so I'm left cleaning house, but decided to let my standards drop as I won't be doing much when baby's here, he'll soon have to spend more time at home if he wants clean washing etc.
I would seriously consider getting out of that house for a rest though, it's just not fair!

Heels99 Fri 11-Jul-14 08:34:03

This is going to get much worse when baby comes if you don't sort this out now. Beggars belief

NewLeafExpat Fri 11-Jul-14 08:37:36

hi Elizabeth.

hugs to you. you're doing a lot And doing it well! your dh is working a lot and enjoying relaxing when he can.

I'm in a different situation to you but can see the similarities. I work And DH works. he works wayyy more hours than I do and is away around 5 days a week. therefore I do all the housework, iron his clothes, shopping cooking washing up etc. when he's home he's on the sofa telly on.

but my point is there have been times I've felt used, taken no notice of and all the work is taken for granted completely. this is what makes it feel like a bigger issue than it is I think you need the acknowledgement and thanks from him which (hopefully) comes thru communication.

I would suggest the next time u both have a day off try be prepared with easy food etc. ask DH to walk the dog so you can put your feet up And get your thoughts together and when he gets back have an honest chat and tell him how you feel. and ask him to help come up with a solution as to how you can fix this together coz its not working how it is. try listen to his advise and opinions and try them out!

he will feel involved in fixing things. ultimately you need to instil And remember that you love each other, you need to just work together better even if you still do the lions share maybe you just need a cuddle & back stroke at the end of the day and a thank you?

StandsOnGoldenSands Fri 11-Jul-14 08:39:10

Sounds like you need a plan B I'm afraid.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 08:42:56

I wish I could no one is local and I've got work everyday and horse/ dogs to do it would mean me driving 90 odd miles a day which isn't going to help me ..

I haven't cleaned or hoovered and didn't cook which is why he's eaten all my lunch stuff it doesn't register at all.

He only sees himself. We are going away Sunday on holiday and he's organised nothing as usual but is planning on surfing when we get there we are only there 4 days and obviously I can't do that charming as ever..

Just pulled up at work my backs killing and I'm exhausted only 9 hours in a chair to go. His parting words this morning try not to be Mardy today..!

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 08:50:26

Newleafexpat - that's exactly it it's never noticed or appreciated the conversation has been had a million times he won't even say thank u for his dinner unless I press the issue.

He came home the other night expecting me to type and agenda for his meeting when he can't even walk a dog for me. Last night I should sort his bloody tax disc out I've had enough!

His response is to get really defensive he says all I do is basically nothing to his job and what he's done round the house (roof is falling off, no heating it's a pit). He can't/ won't see a balance. His other tack is to say he would do it but I do it first- bullshit it takes such a row it's miserable. I've asked him just to notice and he will a week then it's back to normal again.

I'm really at my whits end I feel totally ignored he never says I look nice, or anything I feel fat, revolting, exhausted and fed up. He thinks finding me attractive when I'm pregnant would be odd. I tell him this he brushes it off I'm being silly I ask him to pay me attention he doesn't it sounds stupid but it's to the point where when he's cuddling the dog at night that's upsetting me too ..

I'm really done in at the moment it's totally crap sad

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 11-Jul-14 10:33:29

He sounds awful, why are you with him? What do you think life will be like with a baby? Will he be doing anything? Him working doesn't give him the right to do sod all elsewhere.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 11-Jul-14 10:40:22

Oh and when you've for a newborn baby the last thing you'll have time to do will be to cook for him very might and tidy up. You better tell him this one.

Why doesn't he cook? Have his arms and legs fallen off?

Heels99 Fri 11-Jul-14 10:52:52

There is a thread on relationships board from a woman who was in your position. Now she has baby and the situation is worse. She has been given some good spa device, may be worth a look.

Heels99 Fri 11-Jul-14 10:53:36

She hasn't been given some good spa device, bloody autho correct, she has been given some good advice!!!!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 11-Jul-14 11:06:02

Having a baby tests the very bones of your relationship. If you're doing it all now, you'll still be doing it all plus looking after a newborn.

NewLeafExpat Fri 11-Jul-14 11:14:29

spa device grin grin

seasavage Fri 11-Jul-14 11:50:15

My experience colours my advice. This oh is a spoilt child and when you have a baby who automatically needs your primary attention he will not suddenly 'grow up' a relationship should contain some respect/ admiration.
Your clearly not feeling valued in that way and have/ closr to losing any respect for oh.
Time to be clear about what you expect from him. If he makes excuses or blames you he clearly isn't going to sort it out.
Also. Have you hinted / been clear to mil how exhausted you are. If dhe sees what you do she might (but really shouldn't have to he's an adult) give him an earful.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 13:19:10

Thanks all .. This is what I'm worried about it's just getting worse.. MIL has had words before nothing makes any difference he's got worse and worse over time. He's stressed at work which isn't helping but he very selfishly sees only his own problems I've had a terrible time at work, horrible hormones and a high risk pregnancy and he's just wafted round like nothing's changed.

He says things like sit down blah blah but if i do there is no dinner etc he will make something but it will be some horrible greasy mess that I don't want and he will make such a mess it's horrific.

I've created some of this myself because I don't like the mess, I'm a good cook and don't want to eat crap but he's embraced it with arms wide open!

I made a picnic last weekend and arranged a nice day out for dsd she didn't ride the bike with him she stayed with me and I ended up walking miles with her cycling next to me when he was ahead. I was exhausted he wanted me to watch the car come out and there was a car coming so I moved he screamed at me Infront of dsd and said I make everything so difficult it was all I could do not to stab him.

Don't even want to go on holiday with the prick this is his last chance once we are away from work I'm having a serious word. I don't want to do no washing and make myself miserable to make a point if he can't hear me this last time I'm done.. I feel like an unpaid nanny, cleaner, and chef and frankly he can wrot in his own muck from now on I'm done if something doesn't massively change ..

squizita Fri 11-Jul-14 13:39:08

Grrr he seems very selfish. I hope things do get better.

My DH also works (same as me) but has learned some simple dinners - he is not a natural cook - and is pretty good at laundry, hoovering etc'. He does so much I feel a bit useless some evenings! But not that useless

His weakness is he's pretty innumerate at the best of times and I worry with him being the only 'breadwinner' next year it will be like being 18 again counting the pennies at the end of the month! grin

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 14:20:35

The only thing he is good at is going to work! I blame MiL she's let him get away with it for years under the guise of he's useless/ lazy and stupid me has let him carry it on.

The baby has bought it all to a head this is what he really wanted and he's done nothing it just feels so unfair. I've given up so much aswell im really beginning to seriously not like him sad

kaykayblue Fri 11-Jul-14 15:24:38

Err...OP, this is all really really worrying stuff.

When the baby comes you workload is going to triple and he won't step up. Why do you think he will change after years of behaving like this?

I genuinely can't understand how people could be in a relationship with someone as lazy, arrogant and self centred as this.

When does your maternity leave start? In all seriousness, go and stay with your parents when maternity leave begins. Ask if you can bring the dogs if you absolutely have to.

The last thing you need in you final trimester is stress and picking up after some selfish twunt.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 17:24:39

I don't speak to my parents my mother makes oh look impressive and I'm working till 38 weeks if I'm out il have to get a house and dump the idiot.

It's been really good to write it down I'm fuming now he's going to get it big style! I'm 32 and not bothered about being on my own I think I've just finally seen the situation from the outside ..

He wasn't this bad and before he's morphed into a lazy, boring fat blob in the last year otherwise I would never be in this situation lots of promises were made and sadly broken ..

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 17:57:40

Just got home he has been and got dinner - quite pleased then next sentence is did u get tax disc I said yes followed by see told u u had time!!

He's sat on his fat arse since 3 and not even thought about it un-f'ing believable not even a thank u I was cuing for it at 8 am before work .

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 11-Jul-14 18:01:49

He'd have had dinner thrown at him in this house. Actually, I'd have ripped the tax disc up in front of him and told him to go fuck himself. I'd not waste the dinner.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 11-Jul-14 18:05:53

He's put his shit tv program on now no attempt at conversation just fetched me an Ice lolly I'm so mad there isn't words f'ing idiot

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now