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Why have I let this upset me?

(52 Posts)
GingerRodgers Wed 09-Jul-14 17:32:35

Feel more mad at myself for not saying anything really but can't help but be upset. Just been in boots and the woman at the till asked how long I've got left. She looked surprised but had obviously misheard so when I corrected her, her jaw nearly hit the floor.

"You'll never make it another 8 weeks, did you go to term with your first?" "Really?! you're just huge there's no way you'll make another 8 weeks"

Why can't I find the courage to just say something in return?!

Thing is, I'm a lot smaller at this point than I was with dd, I'm measuring bang on for dates and she was twice the size of me anyway. Really wanted to just say "I'm pregnant. What's your excuse?" Just can't bring myself to be rude.

I know we get these threads all the time but I feel so low about myself as it is, I have massive body image issues and things like this will stay with me and really bring me down.

As much as I try to ignore and forget, I can't. I just can't stop crying sad

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest.

squizita Wed 09-Jul-14 17:46:36

You said it yourself... In your case its baby and perfectly normal size for your weeks!! Your bump probably looks prominent because you have muscle tone etc in the right place holding it out, and aren't slouching. smile

She should keep her beak out!

usmama Wed 09-Jul-14 18:12:04

Rude lady. I have developed a technique to smile sweetly and say 'well my obstetrician is very pleased with my progress.... and tell me dear, how far along are you?"

smile

Minesril Wed 09-Jul-14 18:41:34

"Are you a trained midwife? No? Then I'm not interested in your opinion."

Mrsgrumble Wed 09-Jul-14 18:45:52

I am rubbish at comebacks but was in this position last time around. Told my manager a work and they gossiped about my pregancy, them said to my face my boobs were a giveaway. Then, later on said x was smaller Han me, what's wrong with me.

I am still fuming of it and baby is 10 months old. I am carrying smaller this time but I would love to say 'Is there a complaints procedure in this store? Could I have the details?'

Infact, have a look at your receipt and you will get the cashiers name and report them!

tertle Wed 09-Jul-14 19:04:57

I know exactly how you feel. When I was 6 months pregnant a work colleague was incredulous that I still had 3 months left. She would not stop going on about how huge my bump was and then said it was because she was comparing me with another pregnant colleague who 'had hardly put on any weight at all'. When I protrested timidly she said 'oh don't worry I put on over 20 kilos too'. At that stage of my pregnancy I'd put around 10 kilos on... I also have a friend who kept telling me I'd definitely give birth at 38 weeks as I was 'so huge'. I was really offended and upset but I managed to forget about it. I knew my bump was fine and that was the main thing.

People can be so insensitive sometimes, they think that just because you're pregnant they can make all sorts of comments about your psyhique because 'you aren't fat, you're pregnant' so it's ok. They forget/don't know that we can still feel body conscious when pregnant.

Try to forget her silly comments. I'm sure your bump looks lovely. Hope you feel better now.

I am pretty petite and at 8 weeks to go I had loads of comments like that. It upset me and then I'd come home and slag them off !!! Made me feel slightly better smile

I have to say that I am not pregnant now but ttc and I know that with my third I will probably look huge straight away. I will be perfecting my silent stare with raised eyebrows for any comments coming my way !

DuckandCat Wed 09-Jul-14 20:11:54

People are just thoughtless.

BIL said to me during my last pregnancy, when comparing me to another pregnant lady... "X is tiny, nothing like you"

Thanks hmm

Don't be upset OP, sending hugs your way xx

Ohwhatsoccuring Wed 09-Jul-14 20:33:54

I'm also getting very fed up of this. I keep getting asked if they have measured the baby to see if she is really big, I actually measure 1wk behind my dates.
I know I am big but don't need everyone telling me eh, I've got another 10wks of this to go.

GingerRodgers Wed 09-Jul-14 20:44:02

Oh thank you all, you've made me feel loads better.
Yes, I have a mirror at home and I can see exactly how large my bump is but do you really need to comment on it?
I wouldn't go up to the counter and say "goodness, you're a bit of a tubby one aren't you?" So how can people think it's ok to comment on a majorly hormonal, boiling hot and frazzled pregnant woman?

I just wish people would think about others before opening their mouths.

frannie2013 Wed 09-Jul-14 21:18:07

hi
exactly the same thing happened to me this evening. i went to a work drink (for the first time) and as i was about to leave a stranger who works for a different company (and is quite senior) said to me "When are you due again?" I said september and he said "i'm not sure you are going to make it that far looking at your bump!". I said that he should probably think about what he says to pregnant women as comments like that are not helpful. it was in front of my boss so couldn't be really rude but i wish i'd added that pregnant women can get away with murder (serious face)...
i'm mad as well as i had a midwife appointment this morning and i'm measuring 37 weeks and i'm 31. so my bump might be a bit big (!) but i'm a bit stressed about it.
this is when last night several people i hadn't seen for ages didn't even notice i was pregnant!!!
if you get brave enough perhaps visit the store tomorrow and ask to see the manager to explain what happened and say that you were too upset at the time to say anything. at least then you will have felt like you have done something! and rant at OH!!!

GingerRodgers Wed 09-Jul-14 21:36:31

Thanks frannie. I burst into tears on poor dh as soon as I got home! blush I'm quite tempted to go back and just tell her how upsetting her comments were. Not to be rude but maybe she just didn't think? If no one tells them, maybe they'll just keep thinking it's ok.

Hasle157 Wed 09-Jul-14 21:44:10

I've had exactly the same all the way through- usually from middle aged ladies who don't think before they speak! I have genuinely been worried that I might go into labour or my waters might break when I'm out doing the shopping based on their "you'll never make it" remarks. Well, I'm measuring spot on where I should be and I'm guessing the fact that I'm small probably makes my bump look larger!

I smile when they say these things now, because I know better. It's strange, I have found that some women get kicks out of scaring you when you're pregnant with horror stories and unjustified judgements on your pregnancy.

Just smile and pity them. They're feeling insecure about themselves and want to make you feel insecure too- you're vulnerable, so you're a good target! Silly women.

Ach, don't sweat it - people will say anything

Bumps are either 'huge' or 'OMG, you are tiny - is everything ok?'

Ignore, ignore, ignore
thanks

RubyrooUK Wed 09-Jul-14 21:57:10

Please don't feel bad.

There is something about pregnancy that severs the brain-mouth connection.

One day when pregnant with DS1, I met a friend for lunch who had only ever seen me as a slim size 8 and she kept on talking about how huge, huge, huge I was. Then later at an NCT group, my bump was clearly smaller than some of the others and everyone kept asking if I was okay or if I was really sure of my dates. In the SAME DAY. Argh.

After that, I ignored all comments and brushed them off.

Them: "Wow! You're so big!"
Me: (cheerfully) "Yup, it's that crazy thing about pregnancy. You actually have to grow a new person - who knew?"

Them: You're tiny. Is everything alright with the baby? Are you eating enough?
Me: I store my babies in my ribcage. It's my specialist skill.

Actually, I saw a friend who is 6 months pregnant yesterday - she is normally very slender and fit but she has a sizeable bump. I almost said "wow you're massive" just meaning "oh you're pregnant and look, you've got a lovely bump which is so different from normal". But luckily I remembered my own experiences and just told her she looked gorgeous - which she did. grin

Chottie Thu 10-Jul-14 04:24:08

OP - this is so rude. I would complain.

I am not pregnant, but was served by an extremely rude sales assistant in Boots recently. I was furious too and complained to the manager.

I hope you are feeling better today. Please complain if you are feeling strong enough, it could help someone else having to go through your experience.

Brabra Thu 10-Jul-14 04:41:32

People are just looking for something to say. They don't mean to be rude. But most pregnant people aren't as sensitive as you. Your comebacks are rude and unnecessary, just don't engage if you are not interested in these people.

GingerRodgers Thu 10-Jul-14 07:27:15

Get out of bed on the wrong side brabra? hmm
Do a quick search of the pregnant topics and I think you'll find there's a hell of a lot of people feeling just as 'sensitive' as me.
As for me being rude, I didn't say anything back to her so I'm not sure how you've worked that one out?!
I'd suggest you re read your post, especially the last bit and don't comment on a thread if you've nothing positive to say.

bonzo77 Thu 10-Jul-14 07:35:24

I think a nice response would be "my midwife is very happy with me, thanks for your concern. And you? When are you due?"!

squizita Thu 10-Jul-14 08:06:54

TBH I always just say "Oh I had a scan and a weigh in a few days ago, I assure you I'm perfectly average size" and swan off. No rudeness but there's no come-back because it's just the answer! (Obvs a little white lie if I've not been for a month, but in the 3rd trimester you see them every couple of weeks or so quite often).

samthewolf Thu 10-Jul-14 08:21:06

Don't complain about her, she was trying to be friendly albeit a misguided attempt. Brush it off, there was no malice, you are being over sensitive !

RedToothBrush Thu 10-Jul-14 08:36:41

Don't complain about her, she was trying to be friendly albeit a misguided attempt.

I don't buy this.
It doesn't take much to realise that saying you won't make it to term is likely to cause someone anxiety. Its not friendly, its rude and thoughtless. Unless people are corrected they will go on to upset someone else, thinking they are 'just being nice'.

squizita Thu 10-Jul-14 09:50:13

No I don't buy it either. I agree with Red.

Daft jokes like "you're the size of a ..." can be banter gone wrong. OK they might be meant well though.
But everyone knows premature babies are a worry and can be a major health concern. Suggesting that would happen would be insensitive in the extreme.
I've had the reverse too "are you sure your baby is growing normally?" ... again, not the same at all as "ooh you carry neatly".
Mentioning health/danger-to-baby situations is just a NO, surely?

I dunno, maybe the equivalent of someone saying to a suntanned person "Ooh watch out, she's auditioning for TOWIE" being OK 'banter', but "Ooh you're tanned, hope none of your moles need checking" would be terrifying!

flymo79 Thu 10-Jul-14 10:05:44

I am constantly experiencing this at 37 weeks, mostly at work, which surprises me the most. Very senior people (in fact, the most senior person I work with said "you're just huge" the other day, and he is a medically-trained professional, I had to just shrug it off). I can honestly say that on the flip side women in the loos at work are forever saying what a 'neat' bump I have, it is just that people are so unused to seeing nearly-term pregnant women and it takes them by surprise, they don't know what to say and therefore their surprise shows. As for total strangers, no, it's not necessary to comment, and people often don't engage their brains when making shop-talk. I can see why it's upsetting as it's not otherwise normal for strangers to comment on your body, but try not to let it get to you, if it's not an actual diagnosis by a midwife or a consultant then there's nothing to worry about. Busybodies are everywhere and they seem to feel more entitled to harrass pregnant ladies than other groups of society!! best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Cookiepants Thu 10-Jul-14 10:13:38

I was Huuuuuge with DS (my first) due to the excess water. Anyone who I asked I just informed them I was measuring bang on for dates. I am quite short though (5'3") so baby had nowhere to go but out. My best friend is still in her pre-preg low rise jeans at 33 weeks envy because of the way she carries.

All pregnant bodies are beautiful, everybody had an opinion that's all.

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