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I've made this huge mistake and it's forever

(46 Posts)
Lostlonelyandheartbroken Tue 17-Jun-14 11:16:02

I'm around four months pregnant with this big belly and I hate it. Properly hate it.
This is a longed for, planned pregnancy, I thought I knew what I was getting into. Now it's here I just feel awful. And I know what a terrible person I am having these thoughts. When I think of all the women who TTC for years and what they go through I know I am very lucky to be pregnant.
And with (so far) a healthy baby.
This pregnancy is a mistake. I'm not ready to put someone else first all the time for the rest of my life. I'm not a good person, I'm not going to be a good mother.
I already hate not sleeping, sleeping too much, not eating, eating too much, throwing up, having no control over my emotions. I'm so exhausted and just lazy everything around me is falling apart and needs a damn good clean. I hate the feeling of this thing moving inside me. I keep thinking of the moment in Alien just before it pops out of that guys stomach.

When I try to tell people in RL they laugh at me, saying I'll feel different when it comes. I can't see it myself.

I'm constantly worried about money, some things went wrong just after conception and we are not on the secure financial base I thought we were. We are looking to trade in our pensions to be free and clear before this thing arrives.

Am I the only person who feels like they are slowly dying and no one around notices? This child will need love and support forever. It's more than I have to give.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Tue 17-Jun-14 11:21:11

I used to feel like this with my first one. I used to swing from this to feeling totally the opposite.

I had miscarried my first pregnancy, so I knew that I wanted it really, even though I often felt like this. It seems to be a totally disconnected process the first time.

FartyMcGhee Tue 17-Jun-14 11:22:25

Could you go to the GP and talk to them about how you feel. I think you should.

lifesavingnoodles Tue 17-Jun-14 11:22:34

ok, im not laughing at you and i understand how you feel.

MY dd is IVF. we tried for 13 years to get pregnant. when i was told i was pregnant my first thought was 'you've fucking done it now'

i hated being preganant and had 7 months of being hospitalised with hyperemesis.

things do change when they are born.... you release chemicals in your body that make you bond.... even if you dont bond straight away ( if you are ill or get PND ) there are hundreds of women that become good mums even with a shaky start.

there is no handbook to tell you whats normal for YOU or YOUR baby, each one is individual. there are guides, yes, but these are only guides.

take one day at a time, your feelings will change and but you might not notice for a while

the biggest thing i get from your post is that you feel out of control and noone is listening to you. try to speak with your partner about these feelings

EvilHerbivore Tue 17-Jun-14 11:23:41

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling like this, I'll be here to hold your hand til someone who knows what to say/has experienced this come along - however, I think you need to see a doctor and tell them this, its worth mentioning possible pre-natal depression and getting the help you need right now
Keep talking thanks

aley1989 Tue 17-Jun-14 11:23:54

I think that you need to speak to your midwife about how you are feeling, you may be depressed which isn't too uncommon in first pregnancies , she will know what to do or who to refer you to to help you with how you are feeling.
I think we all have days when emotions take over and we feel like awful and sick and tired of always being sick and tired ! But it is a great thing the body is doing do you have any family or support from your partner and have you told them how you feel?

Bicnod Tue 17-Jun-14 11:24:10

You poor thing, you sound so sad.

You are pumped full of hormones and going through the biggest change you will ever go through in your life. Add to that the fact that you have new financial worries, I'm not surprised you are feeling low.

You are not a terrible person, you are a person who is clearly in pain.

Have you spoken to your GP? Everyone has heard of postnatal depression, but you can also get antenatal depression. Please go and have a chat with your GP and tell them how you are feeling, they will be able to help. They may, for example, suggest you have a course of CBT sessions which could help you re-frame how you are thinking about your life and the baby in a more positive way.

You were brave to post here - keep posting, I'm sure there will be plenty of people along soon who will have more useful things to say.

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs.

Bicnod Tue 17-Jun-14 11:25:24

x-post with everyone - lots of great advice - please please arrange to see your GP.

Being pregnant is a MASSIVE lifestyle change but you say that this was a planned for baby. Have you spoken to your DH/DP about your feelings?. It sounds like a cliche but really, once the baby is on the outside you will hopefully feel the love for it that at the moment seems so hard.
Have you spoken to a medical professional about how you are struggling with your feelings about having a baby? You sound incredibly hormonal, and I'm concerned that you may have antenatal depression. There maybe some medication that will make you feel calmer until your hormones calm a little.
As for the money, life sometime throws us a curve ball but babies aren't that expensive really, if you look in the right places there are hand-me-downs available from friends, family, work colleagues etc.

RAFWife12 Tue 17-Jun-14 11:26:35

I have so been there! I felt exactly the same around the same time. I can honestly say - it's got better. I'm now 33 weeks, I still can't wait for the pregnancy to be over. I still struggle to picture myself as a Mum. But I love feeling this little one wriggling around (except when it kicks me in the ribs).
I think it's perfectly natural to doubt yourself, to panic about "have I made a big mistake" "can I really do this" "I'll be a terrible mother". No matter how much you plan for it, how much you want it, nothing can prepare you for pregnancy!
I am sure you are a good person, and will be a good mother.
Have you spoken to your partner about it?
Give yourself a break, don't beat yourself up over it. You WILL be a good Mother. Yes, your child will need love and support forever, but its is NOT more than you have to give.

I also think you should talk to someone about prenatal depression. Pandas foundation have some information on it and can give you support and advice.

BexL1990x Tue 17-Jun-14 11:29:20

As somebody else has already advised you, you must seek help. These thoughts shouldnt be kept to yourself. These are deep and serious thoughts not to be dismissed or laughed at. Have you tried telling your partner your feelings? Our bodies have some very very strange emotions and hormones through and even after pregnancy. I developed post natal depression after my first baby and i dismissed my feelings for 5 months until i nearly lost everything! My family, my partner, my house and my job. Soon as people realised my feelings i was no longer alone and within weeks was feeling better through my family support, medication and a counsellor. Best thing i ever did was speak up! Thoughts are with u x

Monstamio Tue 17-Jun-14 11:30:58

I also think it sounds like you might have antenatal depression. The exhaustion, feeling of laziness, anxiety and feeling not good enough are all classic signs of depression. Disclaimer - I have some experience/knowledge of depression in other aspects of life, but not antenatal depression per se.

I would strongly urge you to talk to your GP or midwife about it, and resist the urge to downplay things. They will be able to refer you to someone who can help you with these feelings.

You are a good person and you will be a good mother. But it's ok to ask for help along the way. flowers

I remember feeling a bit as you describe. I remember doing the pregnancy test and silently praying that it was negative (even though we had officially been trying). In the 60 secs it took for that second line to appear I swore I would go straight back on the pill and stop messing about with something so big that I wasn't ready for.

But the line arrived and I felt so trapped. Your body isn't your own any more, you have no control, you're getting fat and can't diet or anything, you are too tired to exercise and everything just wobbles and you know that you are hurtling towards this huge life shattering event you just aren't ready for.

And I won't laugh or lie - that sense of 'what have I done?' and the enormity of the change will stay well into the baby's second year! You can't minimise the effect and there will be this tiny thing who needs you all the time.

But the thing is, DD is now 2 and I have changed as well. I am still selfish and want time to myself and I do still sometimes resent not having my old life. But that 'thing' becomes a baby and that baby becomes a little person and somehow nature does it's job and you would never go back. You just love them and love being with them and love everything they say and do in a way you won't even be able to imagine right now. It's easy to say, 2.5 years on from how you feel but I don't say it glibly.

Keep posting, no one should minimise it but it might help to hear that it's fairly common and that it does change.

RedToothBrush Tue 17-Jun-14 11:41:56

Lostlonelyandheartbroken I have felt like this and even have similar financial worries.

Fortunately I am under the care of the perinatal mental health team at my hospital because of wider anxiety issues.

I expressed virtually everyone of those feelings with them. It was very difficult, but worthwhile. I feel a lot better about things, although I am still struggling at times.

They didn't laugh and they didn't judge. They told me it was a lot more common for women to think like this than you might think but they very rarely express them freely as they are afraid to for various reasons.

I was told I was BRAVE for admitting how I felt, and when I said that I thought I would be a bad mother, they told me they didn't have worries about me as I cared how I would be as a mother, even though it was causing me stress. They are looking at ways to try and give me confidence in myself and to try and cope better.

Please try and talk to someone who is caring for you. As other people have said, it sounds possibly like antenatal depression or anxiety. There is help available and you aren't horrible or useless person for feeling like this.

restandpeace Tue 17-Jun-14 11:45:16

I think some degree of oh shit what have we done is normal. Having crap pregnancy is just horrendous, but you will more than likely feel mych better when baby is born. That is what kept me going through 2,3 and 4!

skitter Tue 17-Jun-14 11:45:47

I agree with the other posters who've suggested you ask your gp or midwife for help. I felt very similar when I was pregnant with a planned baby about 5 years ago. Horror at what I had done, dreaming of freedom, wishing it would stop, desperate to not have to become a mother. Then I miscarried and within a couple of weeks, once the immediate drama of the miscarriage was over, I was consumed by a desperate depression. I eventually realised (once I got help) that I'd actually had the beginnings of antenatal depression before the miscarriage. During the pregnancy I had these overwhelming all or nothing thoughts, catastrophising everything about having a baby and what was happening to my life. It was just like you write. I saw a therapist for quite a while and also took antidepressants. A year and a half later my son was born and that pregnancy was honestly so different, largely because of the support of my amazing gp, who knew something about antenatal depression. Please do ask for help and keep asking until you get it. Take care. You will be ok.

restandpeace Tue 17-Jun-14 11:48:31

Oh also, i have 4 dcs now and I am still selfish and lazy blush but you will find you put your dcs first and carve out what you need.. My time is afternoon nap when ds sleeps, wine, the odd night out, mumsnet and a teeny bit of evening time. Good luck!

DinoSnores Tue 17-Jun-14 11:48:47

I read your OP and, with the others, I wonder if you've got antenatal depression. Please discuss this with your GP.

Lostlonelyandheartbroken Tue 17-Jun-14 12:02:21

Oh thank you. I've been in bits these last few days and had three attempts at writing the opening post. It's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one.

I have tried talking to my dh, who is wonderful and lovely but a bit clueless on the emotion front. Unless I'm shouting, laughing or crying it all kinda passes him by. And I don't want to put ideas in his head that he might be able to not look forward to the baby.
(He is a very clever guy but often forgets to tie his shoe laces!)

As for my family, I'm supposed to be the jolly one. If I mention I'm not looking forward to November they just smile. I would say my mum was a very proficient mother, not really a loving one. I'm scared I'm going to repeat her ways ( although there are a lot of worse ways to bring up a child)

I guess I really never noticed how selfish my life has been before now - I help others only when it suits me. Sure, I don't always get to watch a programme when I want or get to the gym when I plan but I'm never really inconvenienced. This pregnancy this is, like you guys say, just ENORMOUS

I think I sound self pitying now. I know deep, deep, deep down I do want this baby.

ShoeWhore Tue 17-Jun-14 12:16:11

Oh OP you poor thing. Please do have a chat with your GP or MW about how you are feeling, antenatal depression gets far less press than pnd but is still very real.

You are right, it is a massive change when you have children and you can't just put yourself first all the time. I remember absolutely craving being able to just pick up my keys and waltz out the door like I used to grin I found the adjustment really hard - but I DID adjust to it. And absolutely nothing can prepare you for the amazing bits of being a parent - really it just is brilliant.

Alita7 Tue 17-Jun-14 12:35:58

I'm also thinking you might have antenatal depression. Especially if you didn't have those thoughts before getting pregnant!

Big hugs, everyone has doubts but I think you really need to go to your gp!

Iworrymyselftosleep Tue 17-Jun-14 13:10:34

I feel like this. It does help the tiniest amount to know I'm not alone but I'd far rather neither of us had these feelings.

Be kind to yourself

Trooperslane Tue 17-Jun-14 13:12:52

Another one suggesting pre natal depression.

thanks For you op

X

HypodeemicNerdle Tue 17-Jun-14 13:20:45

Another poster coming in to suggest antenatal depression.

I had it with my first DC, DH and I had only been married about 5 minutes, living in a different country from my support network and I'd been told due to PCOS that I would need help to conceive so pregnancy was very unexpected. Needless to say I freaked out completely despite always wanting kids. It's a huge thing.

Talk to either your dr or midwife, they will have heard it all before and will know how to help you

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