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I don't think I want to give birth.

(34 Posts)
TheBookofRuth Mon 16-Jun-14 22:03:08

34+2 with my second and I'm actually starting to feel quite scared by the prospect of having to give birth. I was in labour for 26 hours with DD before eventually having an EMCS, so I feel like I've experienced the worst of both worlds - the pain of labour and the painful recovery from a CS.

I need to decide soon whether I want a planned CS or try for a VBAC, and I really don't know. I'm terrified of being in pain for hours, of ending up needing forceps, of tearing so badly that things are never the same again down there. I'm terrified of spending ages in labour only to have to have another EMCS. But I'm also terrified of a planned CS, of weeks of feeling like my insides are going to fall out, of being scared to laugh, of having to spend days in hospital away from my little girl and then coming home and not being able to pick her up for a cuddle or sit her on my lap. I'm scared of having to inject myself every day for six weeks with blood thinners - my stomach was black and blue afterwards.

Basically, I just don't want to have to do this again, in any way. Bit late, eh? hmm

TheBookofRuth Mon 16-Jun-14 22:11:57

I don't mean I don't want the baby. I want him desperately. I'm terrified of the thought of what has to happen to get him out.

EyelinerQueen Mon 16-Jun-14 22:12:30

We're due on the same day grin .

I am having similar misgivings. I had a much easier time than you (thanks for that) first time round. A long but straightforward home birth.

This time I have thyroid issues that mean a hospital birth and staying in for a good few days.

I'm dreading them trying to hurry me up or force unwanted interventions upon me. I am dreading hospital full stop sad .

Don't think I'll bother. He can just stay in there grin .

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 16-Jun-14 22:12:34

Didn't want to read and run but I totally empathise, it's crappy and I wish it was the sodding stork that delivers babies thanks

strawberryjam Mon 16-Jun-14 22:21:32

I am 34+4 and understand completely I have opted for an elective this time as better the devil you know (for me) I have says I will try a vbac up to 40weeks if my body naturally goes into labour, however, as baby is probably breech I am even more scared about the prospect of natural labour and subsequent emcs. Like you I want my boy but want to skip that whole delivery thing

PetiteRaleuse Mon 16-Jun-14 22:23:33

The recovery from ELCS in my case was far easier than from EMCS. Was less tired, coped with everything better, knew all the little tricks to help make things easier.

Gennz Mon 16-Jun-14 22:29:25

I'm planning an ELCS for my first - I don't think it's the easy option but I prefer the set of risks associated with ELCS than with a vaginal dlivery that might require intervention, or worse, an EMCS. Everyone I know who's had an ELCS after an EMCS has told me it's a completely different kettle of fish and have all been overwhelmingly positive aboutt he experience.

Hope it goes well whatever you decide thanks

Loveallmyboys Mon 16-Jun-14 22:41:03

I think every one of us gets to the panic point where you suddenly think 'sh*t! I've got to get this baby out somehow!' Sounds like you were very unlucky last time. Every birth is different so I wouldn't automatically expect it to be as bad again.
I had emergency cs with my first at 29 weeks then my 2nd at. 36 weeks vbac. Both were painful but I just kept saying to myself, it's inly one day. Obv the recovery of a cs is longer but just keep an open mind, listen to the professionals but more importantly, listen go your body. The aim if the game is to get the little person(and you) through the birth safely.
Good luck, you'll nail it ;) x

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 16-Jun-14 23:28:44

I have had one of each and prefer the c section

LittlePeaPod Tue 17-Jun-14 05:03:35

I had a planned CS and my recovery was really quick (back driving after 2 weeks, was home day after CS and back at the gym week 4 etc) I didn't think it was horrifically painful so would recommend it to anyone.

TheBookofRuth Tue 17-Jun-14 08:05:53

Thank you all for the advice and empathy.

BalloonSlayer Tue 17-Jun-14 08:17:09

If you have an elective CS you are in a much better place by the time you meet your baby. It has all been calm, everything is in place at home as you knew what day you are having the baby. You have not been exhausted by blahdy-fucking-blah hours of fruitless labour pains. You have not missed a night (or two!) of sleep (such as it is at 9 months pg). You are prepared as to what it feels like (eg wearing clothes that support the scar, first time you didn't know there would be a scar to support). You'll be aware of how much it hurts and be prepared in so many ways.

I was never unable to pick the baby up with any of my C-sections. I am not saying that to make you feel bad, rather that maybe you were unlucky and next time it won't be like that.

(Of course I could say a lot of those things about a VBAC too I guess)

Will you definitely have to inject the blood thinning drugs this time? Wouldn't you also have to do so if you had a VBAC?

TheBookofRuth Tue 17-Jun-14 08:39:06

Thank you BalloonSlayer. It is my 2 year old DD I'm worried about not being to pick up and cuddle post-CS - I'm worried she'll feel rejected. Plus I'll miss it myself!

What you say about a planned CS makes sense, I am just feeling under a lot of pressure from medical professionals and certain family members to try for a VBAC. My consultant said that "a big, strapping girl" like me should managed to deliver DD naturally (he also described my previous struggles in labour as my "making quite a performance" of it). I'm 5'8" and a size 14, btw - hardly a Valkyrie! My own mother says "of course" I'll have a natural birth, why wouldn't I?

At the other end of the scale are people like my PILs and certain friends who don't understand why I haven't jumped at the chance of a CS, because "why would you put yourself through all that if you don't have to?", as if a CS was the easy option and not difficult and painful in it's own way.

I don't know about the blood thinners, but you're right, there's a good chance I'll have to have them either way - my DM had a thrombosis when she had me so they're extra-cautious.

PetiteRaleuse Tue 17-Jun-14 08:47:43

You don't sound like your family and HCPs are being very supportive. What a stupid thing to say (your consultant).

My DD1 was about 19mo when DD2 was born. I wasn't able to pick her up for a few weeks but I was able to give her plenty of cuddles and snuggles on the sofa or in bed. You just need to pop a cushion over the wound in case she kicks out or punches you by mistake.

You have the right to refuse a VBAC. My OB GYN mentioned VBAC, took one look at my face and started to look at his calendar to fit me in for the ELCS grin

LiberalLibertine Tue 17-Jun-14 08:57:17

I was all set for a ELCS after a Labour then EMCS with my first, then baby started coming at 32 wks, so I went ahead with the VBAC and I'm so glad I did. It was quite long, and painful of course, but I was up and about straight away and fine 'down there'.

Whatever you decide I'm sure you'll be fine.

Good luck x

theborrower Tue 17-Jun-14 09:03:37

I had an EMCS and while it was nowhere near as tough as yours, I can empathise with the struggle to decide what to do and the thought of "I don't want to do this again".

I've just started reading the VBAC Handbook (search on Amazon) which might be useful in deciding if you want to go down that route or not.

Anecdotally, it seems that ELCS are much nicer experiences and much easier to recover from. The good thing is that you can prepare yourself for the recovery after too - for example, I'm preparing for VBAC but fully aware that an EMCS is still a possibility (and I have a section booked if I go a week overdue and can't be induced), so have got DH to take extra time off so that he can look after DD.

I agree that your family and consultant don't sound particularly sympathetic! Hopefully us mumsnetters will be a better source of support.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

BalloonSlayer Tue 17-Jun-14 09:10:34

When I had my 2nd CS, my eldest DC was 17 months and not walking more than a step or two. The HV made all kinds of noises about me not picking him up etc but I still did. She was particularly displeased about me carrying him up and down stairs but I pointed out I would much rather do a very careful controlled carry than suddenly have to lurch and catch a plummeting child. I found if I took my time it was all OK.

I think you will always get those sorts of comments from people. You need to think about what YOU want and press for that and bollocks to the lot of them!

LittlePeaPod Tue 17-Jun-14 10:10:59

Op lots of people tried to make me feel bad/guilty about having a CS (MIL,friends, MW and loads of MN). I had everything thrown at me from "you don't trust your body, you think a CS is easier to I was to posh to push and a couple of idiots actually said I shouldn't have fallen pregnant if I didn't want a VB). I am so glad I ignored them all because I had a really positive experience.

At the end of the day it's you that has to go through this and you should choose what the process is. My consultant was extremely supportive and he basically said you can't not compare an EMCS or crash CS with a planned CS. The first two are much more traumatic plus your body has already gone through a lot of trauma due to trying the VB.

I hope you get the birth that you feel us right for you.

LucyB1 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:29:49

I have been feeling the same bits my first so nothing to compare it to apart from horror stories that freak me out. Asked for positive stories in the childbirth section last night and although people were trying to be nice they didn't seem that great to me. Can't she just manic herself out??? shock

Gennz Tue 17-Jun-14 10:32:48

Isn't it amazing how invested people feel in how your baby arrives in the world LittlePea?!

Since I mentioned I was thinking of having a planned CS I've had workmates and acquaintances get very animated about why I CAN'T POSSIBLY.

So weird.

PetiteRaleuse Tue 17-Jun-14 10:33:26

LittlePeaPod when people accused me of not trusting my body I answered they were right, I didn't trust my body, and, as it turns out, with good reason.

RedToothBrush Tue 17-Jun-14 10:41:32

TheBookofRuth Tue 17-Jun-14 08:39:06
My consultant said that "a big, strapping girl" like me should managed to deliver DD naturally (he also described my previous struggles in labour as my "making quite a performance" of it).
Thats EXTREMELY unprofessional and deeming to phrase it like that. You shouldn't be made to feel as it you are judged by the way you behave in childbirth. Nor should he comment on your size in that way as that can be sensitive.

I personally would be considering asking to change consultant for those comments, as I wouldn't feel comfortable with him due to his attitude and manner, which is dismissive of how you are feeling. I wouldn't have confidence that he would listen to me, whilst I was giving birth. You need to feel like you have trust in those caring for you.

What you say about a planned CS makes sense, I am just feeling under a lot of pressure from medical professionals and certain family members to try for a VBAC.
This isn't about what other people want and what other people think you should have. This is about YOU. You need to consider what your fears are about, rather than just listen to what other people are saying or what their experiences are - you'll rarely get an unbiased opinion - and everyone's fears and worries are different.

Ask yourself in an ideal world what you would like, then ask of the possible problems what exactly about those situations don't you like? Break down your fear and think about what bothers you most and what you find worrying but feel like you can cope with if you had to.

It is possible that there might be an alternative here that helps relieve some of your fears - by not going straight for an ELCS but perhaps seeing how labour goes and how you are coping, with the option of a CS available earlier. They may not allow that, but they may do. You need to talk to someone caring for you who you trust to be able to talk through what options you might have though to see. And please be aware that there are services available through the NHS out there would do deal with birth anxiety and fear and may be able to help you. Its not just your consultant who you can talk to about this.

Above all else, please don't beat yourself up over this, as it almost sounds like you are tormenting yourself with what other people are saying. I think sometimes it can be really unhelpful to listen to those voices, instead of focusing on what is bothering you.

There no right answer here. Just what you feel most comfortable with.

RedToothBrush Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:51

LucyB1

Have you seen this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/2108521-Interesting-article-for-1st-timers?

Its an alternative way of thinking to the pure positivity one. It won't be for everyone, but if you can get past your fears, it may be helpful.

There is nothing wrong with being afraid, and I actually think that sometimes it can be a good thing if you can learn from it and understand it.

Thinking of a best case scenario AND down to more complicated ones, might prepare you for a variety of situations so you can cope with whatever is thrown at you.

hubbahubster Tue 17-Jun-14 11:02:45

You had to inject blood thinners for six WEEKS?! I've had two ELCS and had to inject them for seven days in total - two were done for me during the 48 hours I stayed in hospital, the other five my OH did for me at home... Well, he tried. Actually the first time, the nurse at my GP did for me since OH was rubbish at it, ha!

Despite having had a previous ELCS, I was terrified second time around. I think that's normal - it's a major operation. But the hospital was great, I knew exactly what to expect, my pain was brilliantly controlled and I definitely didn't feel as if my insides were about to fall out either time. I haven't been able to pick up DC1 as he's huge and I'm only three weeks post-op, but he's climbed up on the sofa for cuddles with me and his new sister (and I haven't been able to lift him for months anyway as I've been too heavily pg and I had placenta previa).

Choose whichever option is right for you. But IME, ELCS isn't the worst option. Not easy, but better than an EMCS so don't imagine you'll be getting the same experience as before.

Crocodileclip Tue 17-Jun-14 11:21:09

I'm 34 + 5 and it sounds as if we had a very similar time of it with our firsts, a long labour followed by EMCS. I was exhausted, hadn't slept for two nights and I'm sure the exhaustion contributed to my PND.
I am very wary of a VBAC this time but my consultant is very pro VBAC and won't really consider an elective section. I think I have managed to convince her that I wont be induced and that if it comes to that, I will have a section. She has also promised that I won't be left in active labour for more than 12 hours or for more than 8 hours if I'm not progressing.
I'm not sure how reassured I am by all this, but I have decided to accept it and am trying to be positive.

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