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Over reaction/hormonal or just unreasonable hubby?

(22 Posts)
primprincess Wed 04-Jun-14 10:43:45

I need to have a winge... I'm really quite annoyed at the moment and I'm not sure if its because I'm being hormonal/over reacting or irrational.

I've been making a list of all the stuff we need for the baby (this is our first) and its all starting to add up to quite a lot.

I had originally planned on getting the bedding all from mamas and papas but due to costing I opted for some cheaper alternatives for things like bed sheets and clothes but i still wanted to keep the theme/colours so kept some of the items (teddies/bumpers mainly). It only added up to £60ish of original items from M&P.

Anyway hubby keeps going on about how expensive it all is and using the "does baby really need it" line. I.e. do you need to spend £8-9 on a baby bath? £8 for baby grows? (their from sainsburys!) etccc.....

Ok so the baby doesn't need cute teddies and colour coordinated bumpers but I want to buy it anyway as it looks nice and because I'm trying super hard to cut costs on everything else so its my splurge items.

so anyway i decided to buy second hand as everyone does it so i thought whats the harm at least i get what i want that way and he started telling me off implying I'm being cheap and to just buy brand new. So I kept a look out for discount codes etc and yesterday said btw im ordering x, y, z as its on offer and he started the does baby really need it stuff again.

A lot of parents want to buy all the top gadgets and bits and bobs for their kids and for once in our life money isn't a huge issue so why the Mr scrooge attitude?

I haven't had a huge amount of time to look for bargains/discount codes etc as i was told its bad luck to buy too early in advance so have only just started looking (I'm 34weeks) but its all becoming far too stressful and i feel absolutely deflated at the moment.

I thought the whole baby shopping experience would be fun and exciting and its proving the complete opposite so far.

Geminiwitch22 Wed 04-Jun-14 11:14:04

Didn't want to read and run. If he is being like this tell him straight, that he is upsetting you. Ask him to write a list of what he thinks the baby needs and the reasons why. Me and my.OH bought almost everything second-hand the only thing new is the cot and Moses basket mattresses. So long as it is in good condition and nothing has been damaged I don't see why he would complain!

MrsWones Wed 04-Jun-14 11:35:17

Hello,

So sorry you are feeling deflated when you should be feeling so happy and overwhelmed in a good way.

I agree with the above poster about talking to your husband. If you have tried the alternatives to more expensive things like second hand or going to cheaper alternatives and he still isn't happy ask him what does he suggest. I think the idea of a list of what he thinks the baby needs and what you do and a comparison might be an idea? And if there is something you know you need and he thinks you don't get him to explain why, how will we bath the baby if we have no baby bath, because holding him over the big bath will get very painful on arms and backs!?

I am 26 weeks pregnant with my first and have found my sisters advice very helpful about what I probably will and won't use as she has two daughters already. Is there a friend or relative you can chat to and get honest answers about what is a need to have, is helpful to have and a its just lovely to have and then you can pick what you want from that?

Also one other thing I've noticed is that deciding what to buy for your first baby is stressful as you want everything to be perfect and I worry all the time whether that it won't be. You are not alone in that stress!!

I hope you can get things sorted and feel better soon. xx

MrsWones Wed 04-Jun-14 11:39:16

Also just wanted to add, is this your husbands worries and stresses about being a new dad coming out? This may be the way he is expressing them, we don't always stress about the thing we are actually stressed about, sometimes we stress about something completely different because it can seem easier.
Take care

RAFWife12 Wed 04-Jun-14 12:01:37

My DH is the opposite and wont buy second hand! He has agreed to the hand me downs from my brother though.
There are several lists online that tell you what you need. I printed a few off, and asked friends who are mums and dads what they considered "must have" items. Then sat down with DH and we went through all the lists and made our own list of the items that came up the most.
I'm a big budgeter so did this quite early. Kiddicare ALWAYS have deals and sales. Does DH get involved with the shopping? Maybe he needs to, to see what things do actually cost.
Agree it could be general anxiety about becoming a dad. See if you can get him to talk about it. Get him involved. This should be fun for both of you!

Slanky Wed 04-Jun-14 15:51:55

Reading your post, I get the feeling that YOU decided on the nursery theme, YOU made up the list of what was needed, etc... Do you think that maybe your DH is feeling a bit left-out of all this? Maybe he thinks that you're making all the decisions, and this is his way of saying "hold on, this is MY baby, too"? It definitely sounds like you should have a chat about it all, and each of you making a list and comparing it sounds like a great way of getting a chat started. You could come up with a combined list from both of you, and then (as suggested by another poster) ask a friend who already has a couple of DC for their take on it. I'm sure once he feels more involved, in the decision-making process, he'll calm down and be less obstreporous... Congrats, by the way, on your pregnancy!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 04-Jun-14 15:57:20

I haven't had a huge amount of time to look for bargains/discount codes etc as i was told its bad luck to buy too early

Dont listen to people who spout this sort of rubbish. There is no such thing as bad luck in this context. Buy stuff as early as you like.

I agree you need to talk to DH and think you hould agree a budget and agree what is necessary (essential) and what is a want (luxury) that you can negotiate on.

ruth1104 Wed 04-Jun-14 16:00:14

I can see why you're frustrated, it does sound like you need a good chat about how you're both feeling. My dh has a little panic every time I buy something (and everything I'm buying is very very cheap!) and I think at least some of it's panicking about being the 'provider' at least for a little while. Everyone's suggestions sound very sensible; actually my DH asked me to make a list with rough pricings and I think it helped him calm down a bit (but our money worries are very real!) so give that a go. Also if there are special things you want to splash out on, are there people you could ask for them as a gift instead? X

primprincess Wed 04-Jun-14 17:19:57

Thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate all the responses.

Your right though, i have made the theme and decisions on what to buy myself up until now, but not because I'm being possessive or at all a control freak. He has exams this week (Friday and next Monday) so i haven't wanted to distract him from that, that really should be the focus for now once its over he can help me out as much as he likes. (Although I'm sure then he will use the world cup as an excuse!).

The only reason this episode even happen was because M&P have a discount on some of the added extras i wanted, a cot bumper/mobile and Teddie and i wanted to ask if he minded that i order it now. (We are just going to use plain cream fitted sheets so i thought this stuff would liven it up a little for baby).

He messaged me today to ask why i was crying last night and for now i just said I'm super hormonal and the discussion just triggered the tears as i felt like we keep going round and round with the secondhand vs new stuff. We agreed we would just forget all the shopping for now and start up again once his exams are done, Its just a few days away now so isn't too painful.

As for lists, i have done just that plowing though the net and compiling one list of must haves and cross referencing with my sis and friend. Personally i feel like its fairly concise but its below for you all to scrutinize as well.

I've selected exactly which items i need as well and looked into where is the cheapest or best place to buy so it means shopping is easier and we can go into the said shops and just pick up what we want. I've put so much time and effort into it all and when i bring things up with hubby he makes me feel like i haven't thought about it at all and the reverse is true. i even have a list of must haves for before baby and things that can wait a few days until after baby arrives.

Baby isn't due until mid july so I'm hoping there will be lots of sales and discounts about to start which hopefully makes it all cheaper.

Any feedback welcome!

2x Sports bra / sleeping bra
2 x Nursing bras (use after birth)
Nightwear (easy opening)
Extra absorbent breast pads x 2 pk (50)
Maternity towels x 70 minimum
Slippers /dressing gown

10 x wrap-over vests (newborn)
Wrap-over vests (0-3mths)
10 x Sleepsuit (newborn)
Sleepsuit (0-3mths)
2 x Soft cotton hats
2-3 x Socks
Laundry detergent

2-3 Blankets (inc cellular and swaddling - different sizes)
Cot bed - mattresses - kiddicare
Cot bed - waterproof mattress cover x2
Cot bed- cream fitted sheets x2
Cot bumper - M&P
Cot mobile - M&P
Jimboree - lion, monkey and caterpillar cushion - M&P

Bath and Room thermometer - any suggestions on a good cheap one?
Medical thermometer - again any suggestions?
Baby monitor
20 x Muslin squares

Changing mat - M'care
Baby bath - M'care
Baby towels x2 - M'care
Non-slip bath mat - JL
Baby sponge & face cloths - boots
Baby grooming kit - M'care

Maxi-cosi pebble car seat - kiddicare
Isofix family base for carseat - kiddicare

I have the nappies/wipes/cotton wool and toiletries already (was given those in a hamper).

Thurlow Wed 04-Jun-14 17:31:53

DP wasn't remotely interested in buying baby stuff. He's not even remotely interested in buying kids stuff now we have a DC. I remember getting very annoyed with him at times during my pregnancy as I felt he wasn't 'sharing the excitement' but eventually I realised he just doesn't like shopping, and I was never going to get him to express an opinion over duvet covers...

Anyway, your list, as I like doing these smile

^2x Sports bra / sleeping bra
2 x Nursing bras (use after birth)
Nightwear (easy opening)
Extra absorbent breast pads x 2 pk (50)
Maternity towels x 70 minimum
Slippers /dressing gown^
- towels and breast pads aren't expensive, I know, but you can cut down on these as you might not need them all. I threw a pile out a while ago that I found stashed in a cupboard, my lochia wasn't all that bad for that long, and I didn't end up bf so only needed a few days of pads.

^10 x wrap-over vests (newborn)
Wrap-over vests (0-3mths)
10 x Sleepsuit (newborn)
Sleepsuit (0-3mths)
2 x Soft cotton hats
2-3 x Socks
Laundry detergent^
- What are wrapover vests? Are they just short-sleeved vests? I'd go for about 6 newborn and then 10 x 0-3 but if they're on offer buy what you like/

^2-3 Blankets (inc cellular and swaddling - different sizes)
Cot bed - mattresses - kiddicare
Cot bed - waterproof mattress cover x2
Cot bed- cream fitted sheets x2
Cot bumper - M&P
Cot mobile - M&P
Jimboree - lion, monkey and caterpillar cushion - M&P^
- Mobiles and toys you might be able to borrow if you want to. Personally I never liked a mobile as I felt it distracted DD, but that will depend on each baby. However cot bumpers are no longer recommended for safety reasons.

^Bath and Room thermometer - any suggestions on a good cheap one?
Medical thermometer - again any suggestions?
Baby monitor
20 x Muslin squares^
- 10 muslins would probably be enough imo, but again it's not a big cost.

^Changing mat - M'care
Baby bath - M'care
Baby towels x2 - M'care
Non-slip bath mat - JL
Baby sponge & face cloths - boots
Baby grooming kit - M'care^
- personally found a baby bath a waste of money, sponged DD in the sink or in the bath with us. Grooming kits too - we got given one, have only started using it recently - as a play toy for the toddler...

Essentially I'd always go for buying the least you can, as so much can change when the baby is here.

Thurlow Wed 04-Jun-14 17:32:05

FFS, why didn't my italics work?!

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg Wed 04-Jun-14 17:33:59

Ok, my comments on the list

2x Sports bra / sleeping bra - what are these for? If you want a night bra, you'll presumably want a nursing one.

2 x Nursing bras (use after birth)

Nightwear (easy opening) - or you can lift up your top?

Extra absorbent breast pads x 2 pk (50) - I'd buy one. I never use them, through three kids.

Maternity towels x 70 minimum - Yes

Slippers /dressing gown - Not really a baby purchase?

10 x wrap-over vests (newborn) - normal vests are fine. Bear in mind you might go straight to 0-3 too. I've never had newborn.

Wrap-over vests (0-3mths)

10 x Sleepsuit (newborn)

Sleepsuit (0-3mths)

2 x Soft cotton hats

2-3 x Socks

Laundry detergent - Again, not really a baby purchase

2-3 Blankets (inc cellular and swaddling - different sizes)
Cot bed - mattresses - kiddicare
Cot bed - waterproof mattress cover x2
Cot bed- cream fitted sheets x2
Cot bumper - M&P - AFAIK these aren't recommended these days for safety/SIDS reasons?

Cot mobile - M&P
Jimboree - lion, monkey and caterpillar cushion - M&P - Both pretty optional purchases I think. With a short life. The sort of thing it's quite good to buy second hand.

Bath and Room thermometer - any suggestions on a good cheap one? - The sort that come free with grobags? Your monitor may have one built in.

Medical thermometer - again any suggestions?
Baby monitor
20 x Muslin squares

Changing mat - M'care
Baby bath - M'care
Baby towels x2 - M'care - Not necessary.
Non-slip bath mat - JL
Baby sponge & face cloths - boots
Baby grooming kit - M'care - What's in one of these?

Maxi-cosi pebble car seat - kiddicare
Isofix family base for carseat - kiddicare

eastmidswarwicknightnanny Wed 04-Jun-14 18:27:42

Agree what you need agree a budget n then get either new or second hand as long as within budget my husband leaves me to it with last baby all was second hand obv New matreeses. Gave all away when we moved last summer n am pregnant again and will be accepting anything from friends n buying second hand or on offer

Playdoughcaterpillar Wed 04-Jun-14 18:41:37

Agree that you may not need as many as 70 maternity pads.
Yes you need feeding bras for night too, mothercare do a good 2 pack.
10 of anything newborn size is a lot as they grow v quickly and you will be sent a lot of gros as presents probably.
And don't forget, the shops don't shut the second baby is born!
You can send daddy out or shop online too.

Heatherbell1978 Wed 04-Jun-14 20:49:35

I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise!! I'm 30 wks pregnant and have been compiling lists and buying everything for the last few weeks now and loving every minute of it! We're in a slightly different situation in that my DH and I agreed that I would fund all the initial baby stuff as he will obviously be spending more over the next year to allow me to take the full year off I want. I'm also a bit of a saver so I've had a wee fund in place for a while. Most of our stuff is brand new and like you I'm going for a few select pieces from M&P (Timbuktales). I know there's plenty stuff I could buy second hand but I don't care, I've been saving prudently for years and I have an excuse to spend! DH has made the odd comment but he has been involved in all the bigger things so I think that's key. DH was really funny about the nursery wall stickers and the colours so he has effectively chosen them. Re your list, do you need waterproof sheets? A lot of people have said to me that you don't while they wear a nappy. And bumpers? I'm not bothering as I've read lots of stuff about them not bring advised-you can buy special ones they can breathe through though (JojoMamanBebe sell them)

Boogles91 Wed 04-Jun-14 23:19:30

I have left it to hubby as i rele cant be arsed with all the disagreeing arguments etc. I found the travel system so i ent bothered by the rest really. I will get a changing bag off ebay as u get more for ur money off ther n my bits for hospital but thas it lol

DoctorRock Thu 05-Jun-14 22:33:39

Who is in charge of the budget overall? If it's all going on a credit card the he may just be the voice if reason.
I'd suggest you get him more involved by asking him to choose some of the things on the list. (But why mention a list?) I have been researching travel systems and cots for weeks, my DW is happy with that and I enjoy researching purchases. He will probably want to assemble the cot, so he might want to choose it too.
I have now branched out into car seats, stair gates, baths...

Rockchick1984 Fri 06-Jun-14 08:27:43

Heather waterproof sheets are better as all babies have nappy leaks, so without a waterproof sheet the mattress will get ruined pretty quickly.

Primprincess please don't waste £60 on cot bedding that will only be used as decoration prior to the baby being in their own bed - the quilts can't actually be used until 12+ months (and then a proper quilt is far warmer and softer), and cot bumpers are dangerous as baby can smother to death in them, there's lots of info online about them and the risks. Fair enough if you just want it to show the nursery off to friends and family but if money is a bit tight then don't make the same mistake as I did and buy stuff that will never be used!

Foxeym Fri 06-Jun-14 09:20:17

I agree with newborn stuff, my DS was 7lb12 so not huge but too long for newborn and went straight into 0-3 months. Cot stuff, can this not wait? DS was in Moses until 9 weeks old when he outgrew it (also cot bumpers not recommended). I also had so many clothes bought for him as presents that I really need not have bought anything, he outgrew a lot before he even wore them.

Pixiestyx89 Fri 06-Jun-14 16:48:09

The dressing gown and slippers are probably for the hospital, and the laundry detergent is probably a specifically for baby one. I know my doctor told me to make sure to only get baby safe (whatever that means) laundry detergent and to get a dressing gown (house coat) and slippers for when I go in the hospital to have my baby, and I'm only about 10 weeks! Lol

Thurlow Fri 06-Jun-14 16:55:29

Your doctor told you that?! But... why on earth would a doctor be commenting on you needing to get a dressing gown and slippers?!

allhailqueenmab Fri 06-Jun-14 17:03:39

Don't forget nappies. Size 2 start at something like 7lb so you might go straight in at size 2 - check the packets and don't buy too many tiny ones (if using disposables)

If not using disposables, see if your council runs a real nappy scheme which may help with cost. Look out on ebay, freecycle etc for second hand ones. I gave away a huge pile of good cloth nappies on freecycle, you might be lucky and spend nothing.

As others have said, severely limit the newborn stuff you buy. Your baby is likely not to be in it for long, if at all.

Soft, supportive feeding bras can be worn as night time bras before you have the baby. It looks as if you are planning to bf so I wouldn't bother buying any special bras that are not feeding bras.

How do you dry clothes? If you are reliant on line drying make sure you have enough sheets, blankets etc for the baby. I think you need 3 sets min if you don't have a drier because if you have a possety baby you could easily trash two sets in a matter of hours.

If I could choose between any other baby toys and a bouncy chair, I would get the bouncy chair. Babies are much happier to be put down when they have something to sit in that allows them to see you. they don't really "get" toys for ages, ime, but they do appreciate being able to look around a room from a bouncy chair or something like that.

Look at second hand mei tais. These seem ridiculously expensive new but you can use them for newborns right through to toddlers. If you are ok with babywearing (excuse the yuk phrase) you could avoid having a newborn pram at all, as little babies are so small and light, and you could go straight to a cheaper buggy for big babies.

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