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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

Anyone elses mum annoying them in pregnancy?!

(37 Posts)
moomin35 Tue 20-May-14 15:29:18

Grr! My mother is so annoying! She wants to know the second i go into labour and wants to see the baby when he's hours old. She keeps asking how she will be kept informed etc etc. Shes already going on about how to best parent (it's not even here yet). I wish she would back off! Anyone else have this problem?!

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 15:38:53

My mother in law is the same, does that count? I haven't been there in two months deliberately after being told at the last visit it was all about her and her grandchild confused

She has been barred from the hospital. It's even in my birth plan.

My own mother has also been full of useless advice, primarily around my diet, so I have unplugged my phone.

We aren't going to tell anyone when I am in labour and only will announce once we are happy to tell people. Not telling her you are in labour is a good way to ensure she doesn't appear!

I really sympathise thanks

Lanabelle Tue 20-May-14 15:42:00

Relax, take a deep breath, say what she wants to hear then do exactly what pleases you. She is probably going to continue this for the next few years so get used to just agreeing with her and doing as you please anyway or put her in her place now (not really recommended with pregnancy hormones though)

Moonshine1 Tue 20-May-14 15:46:08

Just smile then ignore. My mum used to irritate me with "we didn't do it like that in my day" type comments but she backed off when she soon realised that I was doing things my own way and actually doing a pretty good job of it too! Now I'm on my second she's much more relaxed and just lets me get on with it.

Not with my mum but my MIL and sister are constantly at me about something. My mum knows i will be ok, I helped raise my younger sister and can manage to do several things at once (as required when being a mum.).

My MIL is my taxi to hospital but wants to stay for birth, the only people I want are DH and my mum. She's also wants me to take baby, when hours/days old to relatives so they can see it. at this rate I'll broadcast the birth on Skype

My sister is just as bad, phoning me all the time, sending me emails. It's bloody annoying!!!

Lula2515 Tue 20-May-14 15:57:00

My mum informed me she would be moving in for two weeks when the baby gets here (I'm only 16 weeks now!). I informed her she would not. She also wanted to be at the 20 week scan but I said no, we're having a 3d one so we've compromised and she'll come to that. It's difficult because I know she's just excited and wants to be involved... But you have to just do what makes you happy. It's your baby, not hers. X

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 16:13:04

lula but why are they so excited? It's not really for us if they are demanding to hold and show the baby off etc moments after the birth. It's all about them which as a new mother I have found incredibly selfish. I've read some terrible stories on here which are shock

Dh and I had a huge row over his mother as he was saying it was her just being excited and I said it was upsetting me and very ott. He's also extremely close to his mother so finds it hard to take a step back. To give mine credit, she said she understood we would want space after the birth and would come when we were ready.

Perhaps it gets easier with subsequent dcs?

Sorry rant over blush it is something that has not been fun in my pregnancy.

Good lord, yes I can sympathise with you OP!
My problem is my own mum and MIL are super annoying (though I do love them obviously!) at the best of times.
This being the much longed for first grandchild on both sides has made them both become super crazy annoying on a whole other level!
MIL lives miles away so don't see a lot of her but is becoming a bit creepy in that she is acting like it's her having the baby and almost trying to re-live the experience of having DH confused
She's bought loads of baby equipment and has set up an entire bedroom (bed made up with sheets on since I was about 18 weeks pregnant and everything) for the baby to sleep in when it's 3 or 4 years old. (we will be visiting her maybe 3-4 times a year at best)
I'm sure she will be expecting to come and stay with us as soon as I've had the baby which is a whole other conversation I need to have with DH as it will not be happening.

My own mum (despite having had 5 kids of her own yet not being at all maternal) is beside herself with excitement.
I am constantly being told off for not being excited or confident enough about the baby/being pregnant - presumably because I'm not walking round with a fixed grin and talking about the baby 24-7?

She keeps telling random people in the street that she's going to be a grandma and has all these grand plans to come and collect the baby from me and take it out so I can have some rest (which is nice but not when it's on her terms not mine - She only lives down the road so I imagine she is expecting to be able to pop in every day to see me once the baby is here)
I imagine she will also want to be in the delivery room with me but that is certainly not happening either.

Luckily, I have two amazingly supportive sisters who I am very close to, We have a plan in place that I will inform them when I am in labour, but we will not be telling my mum until I'm actually at the hospital and at a lateish stage otherwise my mum would be charging in and bugging every single midwife and doctor about my progress and how I'm much more of a priority than everyone else etc. She would also just 'pop in' to the ward/room without permission.

I am obviously grateful to have them both and I know they are just excited but it's too much for me - I don't like attention and fuss and I'm quite a private person. Coupled with the fact that this was an IVF pregnancy after 4 years TTC so have been very nervous/cautious about things going well it's all too overwhelming for me but they don't seem to understand.
In all honesty I am sort of dreading once the baby is here and I can't keep it safe and to myself in my belly any more - I'm going to have to be really firm and clear that this is my baby, they've both had their turns and it's my decision how I will be parenting him/her.

hubbahubster Tue 20-May-14 16:34:18

Your family is excited because having a new baby IS exciting. There's nothing wrong with that! But this is your baby and you call the shots.

My DM insisted she wanted to be the first person to meet DC1. Things were made a bit harder as I had an ELCS and so had an actual date to go in. I told her that may not be possible and she was to wait for my/DH's call. As it happened, I was in recovery until after 5pm and was quite rough until the following day. She's my mum, she was always going to be one of my first visitors, but it had to be on my terms. And actually, she's really surprised me with how well she's responded given that she's usually a pig headed PITA

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 16:49:36

keepthechange that is my MIL to a t. It's freaky. She wants to spend thousands of euros on all sorts of things but just for their house not ours. Including clothes and stuff. She has our all dh's baby things ready to use confused It's so invasive. My grandchild this that and the other. She told the rest of dh's family well before we were ready to be public and it's like some sort of status symbol that she's going to be the first out of her siblings to be a grandma. Also Dh was an only child and she wanted a girl. She even used to dress him in girl outfits!

I get the excited but there is a limit. It's our turn now.

Rant over again sorry op. I can't talk to Dh about this so it tends to ferment away inside!

moomin35 Tue 20-May-14 16:57:14

God don't apologise I'm glad it's not just me!! grin What is the desperate need for people to know when we will be going in to labour, I don't get that part. It's hopefully going to result in a baby and surely that's the bit they need to know- that we're well and the baby's arrived safely?! What difference does it make for people to know we are going into labour/hospital etc

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 17:05:49

moomin I have no clue! Isn't it better just to find out afterwards once the baby arrives safely and the mother is settled? I know what you mean though and I have told Dh he has to make something up about why we are dropping the dog round there, possibly in the middle of the night grin I don't care how he does it but I don't want anyone knowing. Otherwise she'd be camped outside the delivery room!

Blamenargles Tue 20-May-14 17:20:05

My m was a nightmare pregnant again, and I'm putting on my birth plan that I don't want her anywhere near the hospital.

When I was pregnant with DS I told everyone that I only wanted DP with me in labour.
My mum turned up at the hospital and started bossing DP about I told her I didn't want her there and she told me to stop pushing her out and that everyone wants their mum with themangry

When I went down to the labour ward I told her to leave, we both thought she had till DS was born and the midwife told me she had been sat outside the room the whole time, she barged in the room and held DS before DP did I was fuming.

Not even going to tell her Iv gone into labour that time if I can get away with it and she isn't stepping foot in the hospital.

Also PIL's will be visiting first as they will be having DS while I'm in labour/hospital

The most anyone thing is she was so over bearing at first and demanding but now she never has time to see DS I can count on one hand how many times she has seen him.

I know MIL get a slating on here at times but I really wish mine was my actual Mum she's amazing with DS

livingzuid exactly!
I feel like I can't win either because everyone on DH's side of the family has only had one child, and they've all been boys - for generations and across cousins, aunties & uncles etc. So it is fully expected that we will follow suit and have one boy. hmm
They were both most put out when we said we'd chosen to not find out the sex and asked repeatedly if we would choose to later on.
I honestly don't know how MIL will cope with a girl - she won't know what to do with her and she doesn't seem that fond of girls really hmm
My DM on the other hand has no problem in telling me repeatedly she wants a girl 'so we can dress her up' (even though she has 3 of her own daughters and dressed all 3 of us the same for years!)
She keeps suggesting girl names she likes to me (all of which while nice are in the top 5-10 names currently and we do not want a popular name)
I keep telling her she may well want a girl but it's not up to her, or me or anyone what we have and I'm not keen on her continually saying it because it may well be a boy.
So one or the other of them is not going to get the sex they want and be disappointed!
I totally get how exited everyone is but christ, I feel under so much pressure already and I've got 7 weeks left until my due date!

Moomin I know - crazy right? The daft thing is my hospital is a 5 minute drive from my mums house so it's not like she needs to know as soon as I'm in labour! Visiting times on the post natal ward are only 6-8pm so she won't have much of a choice anyway!

FIL and DH's stepmum on the other hand are the most relaxed people in comparison - obviously they are excited too but have been a lot less intrusive on the whole pregnancy and sort of just left us to it. They live about 6 hours away so granted they can't be too involved in one sense but they've just said 'let us know when anything's happening re giving birth so we know and then just let us know when you are up to having us visit in the weeks/months afterwards and we will book a hotel nearby to come and see you' (No expectation of sleeping in our spare room!)

Sorry this has turned into a big rant but like you living I can't really vent about MIL to DH as he gets very defensive of her, understandably.

MIL is coming to stay this weekend and I'm already dreading it as she's so emotional about everything. She cried buckets down the phone to me (I honestly thought someone had died as she was inconsolable) when I sent her a pic of me so she could see how big my bump was.

ChicaMomma Tue 20-May-14 17:25:46

Mother is annoying me, but SIL is..

ooh, you shoudlnt be drinking coffee!
ooh, you dont want to be driving, not good
ooh, wonder what weight the baby will be, you know ALL mine were >9 lbs, such great healthy weights!

fook off!!!!!!!!!

AhoyMcCoy Tue 20-May-14 17:40:59

MIL is laid back and wonderful (this will be her 11th grandchild - they really aren't that fussed grin)

I think Mum is going to be slightly more difficult. She means well and is very excited with this being her first GC but she does have lots of 'helpful' advice about breasfeeding, dummies, discipline etc and how it was done in her day, and I think when baby is here she will struggle to back off and leave me too it, and I'm not very good at being assertive!

hayesgirl Tue 20-May-14 17:46:55

My MIL is doing my head in. With my DS I had a problematic birth and was in hospital for 3 days before he finally arrived and she was literally there all the time! I'm convinced she slept in hospital corridors! She even managed to arrived onto delivery suite within minutes of me being wheeled back there from theatre! I'd barely managed to hold my baby myself when she appeared for her cuddle!

This time I am expecting twins and despite all her particularly unhelpful and sometimes upsetting comments (mainly along the lines of "don't expect us to look after all 3 children") she has been badgering me on an almost daily basis for the last few months asking if I am ok! Drives me mad!

I am going in to be induced tomorrow and luckily she is looking after DS so she won't be able to pop up at every opportunity!! I am expecting hourly "is anything happening yet" texts, the majority of which I will ignore!!

I've learned that there are some battles that are not worth getting into and some that are. In this situation I chose to smile and nod and hope she would leave soon!

sammyad Tue 20-May-14 18:01:58

My Mum keeps bursting into tears at random, and when pushed and pushed for why eventually gulps out 'Women do still die in childbirth, you know. Often.'

hmm

She also thinks actively wanting to breastfeed is bizarre, that I'm 'just being ridiculous' weighing out carbs having been diagnosed with GD ('it's all made up') and only consents to smoking at a bit of a distance from me because I've managed to convince her the smell makes me nauseous. The 'second hand smoke might be bad for the baby' argument was met with raised eyebrows at my over-worrying and naivety about the dastardly lies medical professionals tell to further stigmatise poor smokers.

I could go on...

We're temporarily living at hers, so things are getting a little tense.

Compared to this, MIL's obvious (and vocal) disappointment that we're having a boy when she 'ordered' a girl, purchases of naff second-hand clothes ('it's silly to buy anything new- not like the baby will care what he's wearing!') and dire predictions that he'll be just like DP, and refuse to sleep through til he's 6 are refreshingly normal and easy to deal
with...

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 18:11:58

keepthechange that's it, the pressure. So many expectations from people. And to stand up for yourself is stressful in its own right, and added hassle you don't need.

Sammyad oh the clothes from MIL. Nothing useful, like baby grows and hats and stuff. Horrendous outfits that are so ugly and impracticable. And they are all winter outfits as well which is odd given I am due in 2 weeks confused ah well, shame we can't use them!

livingzuid Tue 20-May-14 18:13:09

Impractical sorry. No idea what impracticable is!

ViviPru Tue 20-May-14 18:31:17

Bloody hell it's only reading this I realise how lucky I am. My Mum has 6 GDCs already and MiL has one and two step-GDCs so if anything after the initial excitement when we tell them, I suspect my gripe will be the opposite, a distinct lack of interference!

I'm seriously considering asking DM to be my 2nd birthing partner. She is great when I'm in distress and gets on famously with DH.

I may well be singing a different tune in a few weeks after we've told everyone....

WaffleWiffle Tue 20-May-14 18:44:39

I must be very lucky.

My Mum is wonderfully supportive and was at the birth of my first, taking the correct role as observer/support for my husband.

My M-in-L is also supportive, in a slightly more hands-off way to my Mum, but still great. MiL was at the birth of our second and was again supportive not intrusive.

With my 4th child on the way, I honestly do not know what I would do without the constant involvement in family life and unconditional support my Mum and Mother-in-Law give to me and my husband.

mssleepyhead Tue 20-May-14 19:06:08

Exactly the same here. My mum even has a nursery at her house... It's too much : (

squizita Tue 20-May-14 19:40:48

My mum was doing well until she decided to ease my pregnancy loss anxiety with tales of giant GIANT babies and long/complex labours after which baby/mum were fine.

I'm only 5" 2! shock

SouthDerbyshireMamma Tue 20-May-14 19:56:05

My mum is doing my tits in! She wants to be at the birth but I've told her she isn't welcome. I've made the decision not to let her know I'm in labour and will only inform her when he's here safely and we have had time for cuddles and bonding. Ultimately people (including your parents) need to understand this is your child and you should do what makes you happy! I know she's only excited but it doesn't excuse her behaviour

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