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Chivalry is (almost) dead

(13 Posts)
LAB123 Wed 07-May-14 19:58:36

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with first DC and have been very lucky so far. I have got a massive bump though so looking further along than I am. Have had to do a long train journey for work this week and just can't believe how rude and unhelpful people are. I've tried to pack light with just a small suitcase that I've put my laptop and work stuff in, making it quite heavy. Despite having a reserved seat I've needed to take 2 seats because I can't lift my case up onto the luggage rack. I've had people refusing to vacate my booked seats, others insisting I move so they can get to theirs and nobody has offered to help me. After I had to abandon my own seat because I couldn't get at it with bags, some guy turfed me out of his seat despite there being loads of others. Just as my faith in humankind was about to be lost, a lovely man offered me his seat saying "you've been moved about enough times, you need this more than me". I could have hugged him for showing a little kindness when I needed it.

What's wrong with everyone else though? They're all very happy to stare at my bump like I'm the first pregnant woman they've ever seen, but somehow don't notice/care when it comes to making me lug my bags around to get out of their way.

I'm lucky I normally travel by car, but I'm really saddened that nobody shows any sort of kindness when someone is clearly in need. There we go, rant over. Has anyone else experienced this?

hubbahubster Wed 07-May-14 20:03:32

In both pg, people have actually shoved me out of the way to get onto the bus first, even if I was waiting before them. It's like a badge of honour or something. Not sure what they're trying to prove other than the fact they're arses.

Not one single person has been nice to me while pg.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Wed 07-May-14 20:07:38

Just ask

Commuters are usually in their own little worlds.

A quick 'can you please lift my bag onto the rack?' Would do the trick

Seems a silly waste of money to book two seats

Heatherbell1978 Wed 07-May-14 20:24:30

I hear you. People always said to me before I was pg that when you're pg people are very considerate wherever you go. I'm 25 wks and have an obvious bump and I have to say that hasn't really been my experience. I haven't been offered a seat on the bus, I've also had people push past me to get on the bus and in general I haven't really been treated any differently. I know pregnancy isn't an illness but you'd expect manners at the very least!

Boogles91 Fri 09-May-14 00:17:55

Ive been lucky to experience some nice peoples about smile one bloke thought i was getting labour pains on the bus the other day bless him he jumped out his seat and made sure i was ok, and spent the rest of ma journey having a larrf with him. I told him of course its just lil man wriggling into an uncomfy position and is way to early lol there are still but few nice genuine people out there. I had some guy look at me oddly the other day aswell cus i was rubbin me bump where it was hurting a lil and hubby said a few choice words smile x

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 09-May-14 08:40:23

Taking up two seats on a busy train is unreasonable. Waiting for people to notice you need help and offer it is also fairly unreasonable. Why not ask for the help you need?

Some of your fellow passengers do sound like arseholes, but your current strategy clearly isn't working. Try and be more assertive.

MummytoMog Fri 09-May-14 08:59:04

Just ask. Lordy. If you're too embarassed to ask, then wear a baby on board badge. I travelled most of the way across the country at 20 weeks pregnant, with a massive bump last week and I didn't find that I couldn't reach my seat because of luggage (and if I had, I would have asked people to move their suitcases or done it myself), nobody has ever refused to vacate my seat and I sure as hell would have chucked you out of my reserved seat if you were in it. I reserve a seat because I don't want to have to go hunting for one.

Chivalry is dead, I completely agree, but you sound like a total big girls blouse. Sorry. Man up a bit. I ask for the priority seats most days on the tube (which is basically the state of nature as described by Hobbes in Leviathan) and nobody ever refuses. And if they roll their eyes, I could not give even the tiniest fuck.

ThatBloodyWoman Fri 09-May-14 09:05:18

That last man sounds lovely.

Well done you, nice man flowers

Op,I agree that if there is one time in your life when you should be treated with selfless gestures, it's when you're pregnant.
It's what makes the whole thing bearable.

And Mummy,she would surely need to Woman up, if that's required at all.....

MummytoMog Fri 09-May-14 11:46:53

True, but I haven't found a good phrase yet - grow a pair actually works if you're expecting a boy, but feels a bit aggro!

I'm firmly of the opinion that it's my duty to ask for any special consideration I think I need. I actually hate it when people think I can't do something because I'm pregnant (like open doors, lift suitcases etc) and often go out of my way to hide my bump. If you're grown up enough to have a baby, you're grown up enough to ask people for help if you need it.

magpiegin Fri 09-May-14 12:05:47

I think you need to ask for help if you need it. It is also unreasonable that you have a seat for your bag (could it go on the racks at the end of the carriage?). Before I was pregnant I really struggled to stand up through journeys due to being knackered all the time, I would be pissed off to see someone with a bag on their seat (booked or not) as it will go on the racks and I won't. I would be more than happy to help put the bag up on the racks though if asked.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs Sat 10-May-14 08:54:30

Sorry OP I agree with the PPs. Occupying two seats on a busy train isn't reasonable and I too would ask you to move if I found you in mine (and I'd reserved it). I reserve seats so that I don't need to go and hunt for them. Ask for help if you need it rather than sitting there lamenting the fact that people aren't psychic. You're pregnant, not disabled, and most people on public transport aren't really paying attention to their surroundings. It's not personal you know. I'm sure someone would help you if you asked them too - I've certainly always done so when asked in the past, but I wouldn't offer to lift a heavy-looking bag for a woman already sitting down with it next to her.magpiegin makes a good point. Pregnant people aren't the only ones that need seats. Before I got pregnant it used to really irritate me when I was exhausted and wanted to sit but someone was lolling about taking up more than one seat. Chivalry works both ways you know.

cheesecakemom Sat 10-May-14 09:03:47

I used to wear a badge but honestly most people are still inconsiderate. You still get people squeezing themselves past you at full force etc

Some people are nice but unfortunately in general people are anti pregnant mothers, toddlers and prams on public transport.

corduroybear Sat 10-May-14 18:50:51

I commuted into central London whilst pregnant with #1 and into New York whilst pregnant with #2.

I have never had people be anything but chivalrous. I've had people take my arm and walk me to a seat. On the rare occasion I've asked, there has never been a problem: people have been mortified they didn't notice (most times people are just away with the fairies on the train, dreaming they are somewhere else entirely!).

And getting around the train station (either alone or with DD or bags) has also been easy: people have walked back down the stairs when they spot me at the bottom to help me.

You do have to be assertive (i.e. ask if nobody offers rather than silently getting angry with everyone), and maybe I've just been lucky, but from my experiences people have been nothing but helpful.

And sorry OP but if you have one reserved seat, you have one reserved seat. Not two. As has been pointed out, other people may well need a seat just as much as your bag you but it may not be obvious (I had chemo a few years back and desperately needed a seat on the train during those few months, but to see me you wouldn't have known --other than when I fainted on the underground--)...

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