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31 weeks pregnant & really upset by my friend's comment on size of my bump :'(

(32 Posts)
eepie Sat 03-May-14 11:47:49

This morning I was speaking to one of my friends on the phone and she compared my bump to another friend who is a couple weeks more pregnant then me (both expecting girls)... Well, relaying a comment someone else said ie.

"Oh, Sarah said that Laura's bump is so much smaller than yours, like sometimes you can hardly tell she's pregnant, and that she knows you said you're having a girl but it definitely seems more like a boy bump!" After my "Oh right..." She then went on to say "Well I think it's because you're carrying it all over, like that's how your body is choosing to carry it or because you're younger your body is more elastic and is stretching outwards more" I said "Well I have been feeling much bigger recently but didn't think it was an abnormal bump size..." And then she went on to say (referring to a holiday bump photo I posted last week) "Oh do you think your bump has grown more since holiday photo??" ..."Err...I don't know, maybe". Then I tried to change the subject.

FYI - I'm 5'7", 25 years old, was 65.9kg at booking and now weigh 80kg so have put on about 14kg / 31 lbs and am 31w4days pregnant. It's my first pregnancy - could hardly eat anything in 1st trimester, appetite picked up by middle of 2nd trimester & since have been eating quite a lot - especially granola, porridge, milk, yoghurt, fruit, eggs and indulging a bit in cake/flapjacks/extra bowls of 'sweet' cereal eg. crunchy nut cornflakes as midnight snack (not every night!). And definitely did not hold back on the Pan y Alioli on holiday last week!! But have also been working and active the whole pregnancy, doing yoga, walking, swam and walked every day on holiday... Fundal measurement has been bang on every time measured, low blood pressure, no protein in urine or iron deficiency etc, still have lots of energy... Baby measuring bang on in middle of curve at 28 week growth scan and was estimated at 3lbs. I thought I was doing quite well & know I've been indulging more than pre-pregnancy (when I never used to have cake or desserts etc) But didn't think I was that enormous...but now feel it & feel very self conscious/sad.

I was sitting there just thinking 'oh I had no idea she/other people thought I was so big....or that this other girl was so much smaller, yet more pregnant than me.' Felt very deflated after our conversation and found it hard not to cry... it has made me look at my bump differently and worry that it's too low/too big/sticks out too much in front....then started getting anxious and thinking oh god what if they have made a mistake and it's a boy and I've been calling her she and buying baby girl clothes and 'bonding' with her as a girl, narrowing down girl names etc.... What if I've eaten too much and my baby will be too big or I've put her at risk of health problems.... Thinking: 'everyone who's said I look amazing/haven't put on any weight/am 'all bump' - were they all lying and then behind my back saying 'woah she is huge!'

Feel really sad and depressed now and really hungry but don't want to eat....I know it's probably just hormones and I've got so much to be thankful for.....but really need some reassurance...and kind of wanted to rant - WHY WHY WHY DO PEOPLE THINK IT'S OK TO COMMENT ON THE SIZE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN'S BUMP SO LATE ON IN PREGNANCY/ AT ALL ! Surely everyone's body shape is different and everyone carries their baby differently but there's so much pressure to look a certain way or be a certain size....How could my friend be so callous to think that it wouldn't upset me for her to compare and say I'm bigger and that I'm carrying it 'all over' sad

Busymumto3dc Sat 03-May-14 11:49:43

Honestly I know it's hard but just ignore them. The only people worth listening to about the size of bump and baby are medical professionals.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 03-May-14 11:52:39

You're obviously feeling sensitive about this, and little wonder given the conversation you've had. In future, how about just changing the subject. Maybe saying "are you trying to make me feel like a whale? because you're really not helping. My health care professionals who know what they're talking about are completely happy with me".

I think talking about bodies and trying to compare them is pointless and tedious personally. I'm not very interested in your bump vs mine just like your toe nails vs mine.

wigglylines Sat 03-May-14 11:56:44

Surely pregancy should be one time you can stop worrying about being "fat"? You're meant to be big, you have another human inside you!

Personally I would worry more if I was showing small tbh, I'd worry that maybe the baby wasn't growing properly (although as said above, it's the medical professionals who you should listen to here).

RunnerHasbeen Sat 03-May-14 12:06:57

It seems a sensitive area for you, given how much evidence you have provided to prove you are not very big. People do carry babies in so many different ways, no one is better than another. Your other friend might be surprisingly small and worried by that. You need to stop being daft and applying normal social norms to yourself, it's temporary. Unless your friend is a doctor or midwife, then it hardly matters.

On the plus side, once you are a year past the birth, I've noticed people tend to show off about how enormous they were.

FoxHugs Sat 03-May-14 12:13:28

Let it all go over your head.
I was in Waitrose the other day, and the lady at the till said I'll be a size of an elephant soon.
Do you know what? Initially, after I'd waddled back to my car, I felt vulnerable and a subject of people's never ending opinions. But now, a couple of days later, I'm thinking- you know what? I might be at least 3 dress sizes bigger, with rubbing thighs, and a barrel at the front, but that's temporary. By Xmas I'll be back in my size 8 designer jeans (ie- they really are a size 8, not GAP size 8 (really a 12)), washboard stomach and full of confidence. The fishwives, however, will still be plump, vulgar, and passing on unrequited, insipid opinions.

I'd never dream of saying to a non pregnant woman, "Oooh, you're a bit large, aren't you?" God knows what sort of mentality these so called friends have that they feel it's appropriate to make comments about a pregnant person. Chavs.

squizita Sat 03-May-14 12:18:35

Wiggly as someone who shows small, people do make that comment "worry because you're small" and it isn't just annoying, it's really frightening. The idea you 'should' worry because you're not 'blooming', or are in some way inferior/shallow because you have a neat bump.

I also see it here often as an antidote to the 'I got called fat/big' threads and it is horrible, just horrible.

I genuinely think people have NO IDEA how big others are supposed to be or lack information (e.g. I got called small by someone who thought I was 28 weeks - I am 21 weeks. Another person couldn't believe that my bump was considered normal not small for 20 weeks - cited another woman we both knew as a comparison, she's 31 weeks and wasn't showing at 20).

You can't win, OP. I'm 31+1 with a medically asserted "wide pelvis" (grin) and carrying pretty small. It's a bump and it's there but I'm tall (5ft 9), busty (36HHs pre pregnancy) and was never a skinny Minnie (been a size 14 since I was about 12) and everyone keeps saying "oh you wouldn't think you only had nine weeks left!" Which makes me feel somehow inadequate, eve though baby is bang on in terms of measurements and my feudal measurements are bang on too.

Just ignore it. It's an extension of body fascism that always seems to prevail for women and it's bullshit.

squizita Sat 03-May-14 12:20:57

PS. My baby is measuring up bloody big shock they think I just carry high and neat. But of course you get the commenters saying 'it should be bigger by now...'

squizita Sat 03-May-14 12:23:05

Some same pelvis as you grin - average body size for my height. You're right about the 'not pregnant enough' thing.

Interestingly no one notices my bum has deflated except me. It's like they let the air out of it!

wigglylines Sat 03-May-14 12:24:23

squizita i'm really sorry I didn't mean to make anyone else worry, I was just trying to reassure the OP.

PurplePidjin Sat 03-May-14 12:27:16

You'll be pregnant for another 10 weeks or so and probably a bit squishy for another 9-12 months after that.

She'll be a nasty gossip for the rest of her life.

You get to bring a whole new person into the world.

She gets to malign others (and she's probably said exactly the same thing to the other pregnant person) in a vain attempt to boost her own pitiful self-esteem.

You win wink

eepie Sat 03-May-14 12:41:06

Thanks for reassuring words / reality checks everyone.....Feel a bit better now after also having had a chat on the phone with my DP who assured me that I'm as lovely and beautiful as ever and reminded me that it doesn't matter what other people think...the only thing that's important is that the baby is healthy & of course it's easy to forget that it's a temporary state of 'roundness' and all for a wonderful reason ! So many people love saying stuff like "OOH your body will never be the same again!!" etc and I hate it ! So negative.

I know all this deep down...just suddenly felt very sensitive and shocked that people were maybe looking at me & judging or discussing my size between themselves.... Think I'm extra sensitive too as I'm seeing a lot of old friends tonight at a formal event that I have to dress up for, and a lot of those people haven't seen me at all whilst I've been pregnant so just feeling a bit self-conscious but I need to tell myself that mostly they'll just be thinking "Wow she's got a baby in there!" Rather than critiquing my shape...they're not gossip columnists or anything ! AAAaaaaand breathe.......

noblegiraffe Sat 03-May-14 12:45:10

I measured small in both pregnancies, so small that it triggered growth scans, which were fine, because I'm tall and hide babies well. Trust me, the other girl will be getting plenty of comments of her own to deal with.

People do seem to ask how far along you are and then immediately comment on bump size. It's like the standard conversation. Annoying though, especially as it can be seen as suggesting that something is wrong.

Your friend stepped way over the mark though and should learn to shut the hell up.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 03-May-14 12:46:04

I value who I am and what I do, rather than what I look like and how much space I take up. Give it a go!

juneau Sat 03-May-14 12:50:41

She sounds like a cow TBH - what a horrible thing to say!

Do keep an eye on your weight gain though as gaining a lot of weight in pregnancy makes you more likely to struggle to give birth without intervention. Your MW will be able to help you with how much is a healthy amount of weight to gain overall. The last time I was pregnant it was 25-35lbs in total, so if you're gaining faster than you'd like, you might want to cut back a bit. You only need an extra 100 cals a day or something in pregnancy, which is a depressingly small amount when you're feeling ravenous!

eepie Sat 03-May-14 12:54:06

noblegiraffe - yes you're right and my DP pointed out that before 20 weeks I was hardly showing and worrying about being too small so I know I should just be thankful my baby is healthy and everything is progressing well....which I am 95% of the time - this comment just really shocked me & triggered sensitivites.

Also - yes why do people like to assess your bump size based on how pregnant you are as if they are midwives/doctors/experts....especially people who have never been pregnant do this... I'm getting a flashback to a couple months ago & another friend saying "Oh you're big for 5 months aren't you?" when I know for a fact she doesn't have any other pregnant friends or any knowledge on what size a bump is 'supposed to be' to back up her comment. hmm Still in the moment it managed to shock/hurt me and felt I had to defend myself ! Just not used to being told things like that !
Maybe people don't know what else to say so they end up putting their foot in their mouth. Just hope they regret it afterwards/when they are pregnant and realise how it feels to have your body assessed as a regular conversation topic !

hayesgirl Sat 03-May-14 12:58:44

Really irks me the way that people feel it is perfectly acceptable to make such rude, inappropriate and personal comments. I'm 34 + 3 with twins and it's my second pregnancy. With my first pregnancy I was small and had to go for scans to check babies growth (which was fine).

So far this time I have been compared to a friend if mine (who is tinier than me even though I am only a size 10) who had her baby a few weeks ago which was fairly annoying. I regularly (as in every time I leave the house!) have the same comment from strangers of "when are you due, you're massive!" or they add "how much do you weigh/how much weight have you put on?". It's just so bloody rude!! I don't go up to fat people and ask them how much they weigh because they are so huge!!

I also don't need people to keep pointing out how big my bump is (I haven't put weight on anywhere else on my body - I'm all bump as they say!) I have eyes, I can see for myself!

I completely sympathise and it's worse when it comes from friends and family rather than strangers say these things. My advice- bloody ignore them! Who gives a toss how big anyone else is or how big you are! All you need to concentrate on is carrying your baby to the best of your ability and that unfortunately means letting the baby lead eating habits etc. once baby is born and you've recovered from the birth etc your body will belong to you again and you can get back to your pre-baby weight. There's no need to put yourself under this pressure though! : ) xx

EllaBella220 Sat 03-May-14 13:19:12

I would have just said 'Good for Laura and her tiny bump, we can't all be perfect!'. Your friend might have realised then that she was being rude.

I don't even look pregnant yet, just fat still, but I am dreading the comments by people saying 'oh you sure you aren't carrying twins?' or 'jesus, look at the size of you!' Thanks. My reaction will depend on my mood on the day but I know some days it'll be 'aww I know, I feel like a whale' and other days will be 'fuck up'.

Heatherbell1978 Sat 03-May-14 16:09:30

You really can't win. I'm 25 wks and bump has pretty much appeared in last 4 weeks. I think it's still quite neat. I was 9 st to start, now just over 10. But in the last week all I've got is 'wow look at you' 'aren't you getting big' and to top it all off my mum last night said 'I think you'll have a big baby you know'....(this is despite her then saying she was much bigger than me at my stage with all of hers and we were all under 8 lbs). I find it hard cos I'm used to being an 8/10 and never really think about my size. But OH loves it so that's the main thing:-)

Monkeybrain10 Sat 03-May-14 16:47:00

Don't worry about it. Everyone likes chatting about it and has an opinion. I've been told by over a dozen random strangers that i look ready to pop (currently 32 weeks) and people saying i'll never go full term because the bump is so big but u know what...i don't care because they don't know, they just like chatting and being authoritative because i'm a first timer. I like the fact that people want to chat About it...but how big u and the bump are will be different to to next person. maybe tell your friend that you are feeling a bit self conscious and if she's a good friend she will reassure and support u. Enjoy it, i bet u look gorgeous :-)

Lanabelle Sat 03-May-14 17:02:13

Who cares about the size of her bump?? as long as your bump is healthy then it doesn't matter. the size of your bump depends on loads of things and small is not always a good thing, baby might not be growing well or might just be a shortarse... I was 27 with my first and thought I was massive but I had a bit extra fluid around baby and DH is 6ft6 I'm 5ft7. you have so much more to worry about and look forward to. And for the record DH assures me there is nothing sexier than the woman carrying his child (and he also assures me the bigger the bump, the bigger the boobs)

FloozeyLoozey Sat 03-May-14 17:04:37

I always avoid commenting on the size of pregnant women as it's very rude. It's not something I would do if they weren't pregnant so I'm not going to start just because they are pregnant.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 03-May-14 18:04:14

It's always like it's a surprise that us pregnant ladies have a bump. Where the fuck else is it meant to go when you're growing a human being?

My bump sticks straight out, my mil likes to tell me I'm fat. I'm not, in the slightest (8st pre pregnancy). I am pregnant though. FFS.

In my last (3rd) pregnancy, people kept saying how lucky I was because my bump was tiny. I regularly got comments such as, 'Haven't you done well?' Like having a small bump was some kind of achievement. It made me feel uncomfortable.

Turns out baby had IUGR due to massive brain abnormalities and eventually died aged 13 months. Yes, wasn't having a small bump worth it?

I am 28 weeks pregnant again, and measuring bang on. Lots of scans show baby is the correct size. But still, I have people, who know my history, who comment on my bump being small, as if that's a good thing... And it's really not shall, I double took myself in the mirror today, I look like a whale to me!

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