I'm about 11 weeks pg with baby number 2.
I enjoyed my first pregnancy immensely - loved dreaming about the little person inside of me, trying to picture them, reading all the info I could about the changes they went through every week etc, until at my 20 week scan where we we found he had a major congenital heart defect that would require surgery. I spent the last 18 weeks of that pregnancy emotionally detaching myself from the baby - the survival rates from the various operations weren't great and pretending I wasn't pregnant was pretty much the only way I could deal with the thought that my beloved baby wouldn't survive.
Almost 2 years on, he is doing well - but those first few weeks where we spent hours watching his stats fall as we waited for him to be strong enough for his operation, then waiting for him to come out of surgery, sitting by him in paediatric intensive care for over 2 weeks (doctors had thought we would be back on the ward within 3 days, but his lungs collapsed and they couldn't get him off the ventilator) have stuck with me and I still shed tears over how much pain he was in and how bloody unfair the whole thing was.
So, on to this pregnancy. I'm so so terrified that this baby will end up having problems too - I find myself, once again, pretending to myself I'm not pregnant, just in case. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a panic then crying myself back to sleep, worrying about what could go wrong. I can't bear the thought of putting another baby through all that, of watching them fight for every breath, of seeing their swollen, bruised body when they come out of surgery, of forcing them to be poked and prodded about by scary strangers in white coats - a process which upsets ds more and more as he gets older and more aware of the people around him.
I don't know what I'm looking for really. Someone else on here must have been in the same boat - how did you cope? How do you get through to the all-important anomaly scan and (hopefully) an all-clear then? There's 10 weeks to go before I can know either way and I can't carry on like this. I'm falling apart.
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Pregnancy
How to get through to the anomaly scan (after previous baby with major problems)...
WhatAHooHa · 21/04/2014 09:24
Hi, WhatAHooHA, you sound like you have had a horrendous time of it and I'm so glad your DS is doing well.
I found out my first DS had just died during a routine 20 week scan, and going into the 20 week scan in this pregnancy was extremely difficult for me. I nearly ran out of the waiting room I was so worked up, and was crying so much at one point the technician who writes all the measurements down told the sonographer that she felt I was too distressed and they should stop.
I think it is entirely reasonable to be incredibly anxious in your situation. My consultant told me that me being anxious was in fact a sign of mental health as it is a normal reaction to such a previous experience. Your Midwife sounds really uninformed and really unhelpful about this as you obviously are going to need help and support.
FWIW not telling people, not buying stuff for the baby and pretending to yourself you are not pregnant, or having a fatalistic attitude towards the baby's chances are all entirely, entirely normal in these circumstances.
I would urge you to be careful about private scans, there are private clinics that are absolute centres for excellence such as the Fetal Medicine Centre in London, where you would get superb treatment, and then there are private clinics where someone has literally bought a scanner and got a few minimum wage staff to use it after a couple of practices- there is absolutely no registrations or code of conduct that private clinics need to conform to and I know a couple of women who have had really horrendous experiences at them- one who was told she had miscarried when she hadn't, for example.
I think it would be better for you to get some extra support on the NHS if you possibly can. It might be worth speaking to the head of midwifery, for example, and asking what they can do to help you. They might well have specialist midwives or case loading midwives for such eventualities.
(You are quite right that such a stressful PG is a red flag for PND- at my hospital they have already suggested that the GP puts a care plan in place for what I might need, as having a very anxious pregnancy does often end in the mother needing support after the birth. TBH the after care you got last time sounds pants in this regard and it might be worth having a proactive chat with the GP later in the PG about this)
The single most useful thing that has helped me is a once a week counselling appointment with someone who specialises in pregnancy anxiety and/or pregnancy loss. It just helps to know once a week there is someone I can offload all those anxieties/negative thoughts etc to. We also practiced things like exercises I could do to calm me down in the scanning room etc.
If you are by any chance within reach of London I can recommend City Pregnancy who give free of charge counselling to women in your situation. If not, perhaps the hospital could recommend a specialist counsellor? Often hospitals have a bereavement midwife who might know of specialist pregnancy counsellors.
Good luck with the pregnancy 
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