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Am I being unreasonable regarding visitors...?

(59 Posts)
jadef Tue 15-Apr-14 10:19:18

I am married to a bit of a mummies boy, but in fairness his family is really lovely and very supportive. Husband is struggling though to understand my request for no visitors following c-section birth of twins - likely to be between 35-36 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and an already 13 day stay in hospital and counting!! Am I being unreasonable to request 24-48 hours before grandparents visit? I figure our world will be slightly upside down for those first few days and I will be recovering whilst trying to get my head around having two new little babies. Ideally I would like a week, but I know there's no way that is going to happen!!! What is fair for everyone?

Darksideofthemoon88 Wed 16-Apr-14 20:33:33

YANBU! I feel pretty much the same - and I'm expected to have a low-risk vaginal birth. I don't want any visitors whilst I'm in hospital and not for a few days at home either - aside from my mam and dad who will pop in the day after the birth when I'm still in hospital (optional stay to get help with breastfeeding). Other than that, I want time alone with DP and our daughter to bond and get used to feeding etc. I don't really want anyone else holding her either - feral first-time mother warning lol!

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 22:47:42

sigh My family have all gone silent on me because I don't want visitors. Baby is a week old and we're out of hospital a few days. He's had 2 doc appointments, I've had to go back to hospital, we're all totally knackered.... today was the first day we've been home that felt lovely and relaxing- spent most of it in bed. I want a few more days like that but now I feel crap for not having family over. I hate being an adult and having to choose my health over pleasing other people sometimes. It's really bloody difficult.

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 22:48:47

Oh and they all got to see him in hospital already. I let them come up and the grannies got to hold him. But it's not enough apparently.

elliejjtiny Thu 17-Apr-14 00:31:27

YANBU. My DS4 was born at 35 weeks by c-section and was taken to nicu straight away due to some health conditions he has. I didn't want any visitors apart from DH and the DC's. Only parents and siblings could visit nicu and I was there most of the time, just went back to postnatal for food, painkillers, expressing and sleep. It didn't feel right to be on postnatal making small talk with visitors when DS4 wasn't with me. However most people were asking when they could visit ds4 and weren't bothered about visiting me. I felt a bit offended! With the way I was feeling whatever anyone said or did was wrong.

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:16:40

Not at all unreasonable. I'm only expecting one baby and a 'standard vaginal birth' but have already tried to make it clear it will be only me, DH and DS for the first 24-48 hours.
When I had DS1 there was the inevitable "who gets to see the baby first competition" which resulted in half the family turning up within the first 12 hours of DS birth, I appreciate they wanted to see DS but wish they had let me have a shower and some time to ourselves first!

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:20:36

I also echo earlier poster/s who say dput an exact

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:23:17

Sorry posted nonsense then!
Meant to say... I echo earlier posters who said don't set an exact time of 48 hours, rather say "we will let you know when ready for visitors"
I made a mistake of telling my mother and family that visiting was allowed after 3pm on postnatal ward, they latched on to this time and literally all turned up at 2:59pm despite me having only had DS a couple hours before!

StarsInTheNightSky Thu 17-Apr-14 08:14:00

Not unreasonable at all! DH and I have said absolutely no visitors for at least 2 -3 weeks afterwards, we've said that we'll contact them when we're ready, but that even then it will only be the grandparents for a while. We have told also people that if they turn up we won't answer the door (the not answering bit was great advice from on here) and that the hospital have been asked not to admit anyone.

I'm having an ELCS (well, it's actually now become planned rather than elective due to more issues arising) for our baby after a very difficult and very high risk pregnancy, and DH and I want some time alone just to be in our own little family unit bubble. There is all the time in the world for family/friends to visit at a later stage when you're ready, but you'll never have the time again to be just you, DH and your twins, so I would guard that if I were you. As others have said, you can always change your mind if you want visitors, but it's much trickier to do it the other way around.

I never understand the people who say it's mean, or unfair, or that they find it sad, it always seems very judgey/preachy hmm. You have to do what makes you happy, and different things work for different people.
Most family and friends seem to become baby obsessed at these times and don't give two hoots about the mother (with some exceptions, don't mean to generalise), it's all just an almost desperate need to see the baby first/hold baby first etc etc. I find the competition aspect, that it can turn into, very weird and entitled. It's nice that family and friends are excited, but they need to back off and realise that being supportive of you is more important than what they want, it isn't about them.

weebigmamma sorry to hear you're having complications and that your family are being so selfish and silly. Try to think of it as a positive, that if they've gone silent, brilliant - no visitors and no phone calls, which is what you wanted. Stick to your guns, you're doing what is right for your, they're just being ridiculous. It must be tough though xxx

princessdave Thu 17-Apr-14 10:35:11

Not at all unreasonable! When I had my daughter 7 people turned up at the hospital for visiting time; mum, dad, sister plus husbands mum, dad, sister and her BF. I was tired and the baby was asleep but they all wanted to come in so we had to say well, it's two at a time so you and you, Dad will go out, then you and you.... argh! In the end I told them all to go back to ours as we were being discharged shortly but that was just as bad. I was 28 with a new baby and a sore body from giving birth that morning and didn't need all those people in my house! As excited as they all were I was just shattered.

This time around assuming all goes well I'll say no visitors to the hospital, just my husband and our daughter. Then once we are home and settled I guess they can all descend but as they are all local you can't really say well, my parents first then yours so they all end up coming at the same time....

The very best of luck OP for your c-section and the delivery of your twins! Do what feels best for YOU, it's a major operation and they should all be considerate of your wishes IMO smile

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