Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

Pregnant but partner wants to terminate

(74 Posts)
emilyhelp Fri 11-Apr-14 19:06:45

Hoping to get some advice if possible, a little bit frightened to learn that I'm pregnant accidently despite wanting a family. Ironically, my partner of 4 years and I almost broke up two months ago over differences on having a family. He doesn't want a baby for at least two more years until we're more settled. Im 37 this year and so this was a big ask to wait but I decided this is what I'd do as our lives together so far has been brilliant and I can honestly say Id like to spend the rest of my life with him. Im only a week pregnant and given the situation the timing is awful. He's basically saying that the best thing to do is terminate and we'll try again in a couple of years. He's a full time student right now so not earning and I wouldn't want to disrespect his feelings either and push him in to something that he's not ready for financially or emotionally. The alternative is that I keep the baby and go it alone. Living in very expensive city I have no idea how I would even begin to afford this and as im prone to depression my worse case scenario terrifies me. If i move somewhere cheaper i wouldnt have the support network id need. All this said, I can't imagine terminating. I cant imagine losing my partner either. Any advice most welcome. Im so anxious I cant sleep and feel terrified sad

Casmama Fri 11-Apr-14 19:12:06

I think you need to seriously consider that it might not be possible/ easy for you to conceive at 39.
I don't mean to add to your dilemma but I would hate to think that you allow yourself to be pressured into having a termination and then are not able to get pregnant or need to go through IVF when your partner is ready. He does not have the same time limitations on his fertility.

I hope he is as considerate of your feelings as you are of his.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Fri 11-Apr-14 19:15:51

flowers flowers flowers

I hope someone better than me is along to give you more practical advice but I didn't want to read and run.

I don't have any answers but you are the only person who can make this decision. Yes, you want your partner's input and support but it's totally up to you - you don't have to be 'respectful' if it means doing something you're opposed to.

That said, I think his feelings are valid.

Whatever you do, you will find a way to make it work.
Even if you do split up, he will still have to contribute financially (and there is a lot to be said for staying near your support network even if it is expensive). Even if you do decide to terminate, you can still try again. I am 40 and pregnant - it can be done.

NB: When you say 1 week - do you mean 5 weeks (ie 1 week since a positive pregnancy test?)

flowers

22honey Fri 11-Apr-14 19:19:37

Hi there and sorry you are so upset. At your age I would not even consider terminating if you want kids. He wants to leave it another 2 years, when you''ll be 39? That sends alarm bells off to me.

I totally agree with Casmama, and if I were you I have to say I would definately not terminate, particularly only for a man, when you arnt sure (and sorry but you dont sound like you want to terminate), when you are 37. He wants you to potentially go through not only a termination you don't even want but potentially heartbreaking infertility due to age afterwards so he can have another 2 years of freedom? 39 is late in childbearing years, does he know that?

If your partner would leave you because you wouldn't terminate your baby then what does that say about him? He would be the type who never wanted kids, was never ready and you would end up childless.

I'm so sorry for your situation I really am sad xxxx

Armadale Fri 11-Apr-14 19:22:30

Poor you, I am not surprised you are terrified. What a horribly difficult situation to be in.

I am struck by the fact that you say your partner doesn't want to terminate, not that you want to terminate. If you honestly can't imagine terminating, then don't. It is not something you should do if it isn't what you want.

You say "I wouldn't want to disrespect his feelings either and push him in to something that he's not ready for financially or emotionally" but what about your feelings about it, is he trying to push you into something you aren't ready for?

One thing to consider is that if you wait till your partner says he will be ready you will be 39, and there is a real risk at this age that you might have left it too late.

(I started TTC at 35 and am now pregnant, will be 39 when the baby arrives, fingers crossed. It is my 6th PG, I have lost the first five, and know from experience that it is often not easy to have a baby after 35 due to difficulties conceiving and miscarriages. I was not really aware that the fertility statistics decline as sharply as they do in the 35+ ranges and I wish I had more awareness).

Please keep posting here, there is a lot of support for you, whatever you decide to do.

Armadale Fri 11-Apr-14 19:24:06

sorry silly typo in second paragraph, should read:

I am struck by the fact that you say your partner wants to terminate

22honey Fri 11-Apr-14 19:26:39

Tonde she also wants to consider the likelihood of a one child family should she terminate then have a child at 40. This happens to a lot of people and it can be equally as heartbreaking. It could take years for her to conceive at 39. It took me 18 months and I am 22 and very healthy. Sorry but no way would I leave having children so late (but can see why people do, and obviously not everyone chooses to leave it) if I had an earlier pregnancy I could go through with, that has already come about at advanced maternal age and I wanted a family (ie atleast 2 DC) not just a child.

Feel bad for the OP for being in such a situation

ithoughtofitfirst Fri 11-Apr-14 19:33:18

I wish i knew what to say sad

I'm sorry you're in this situation x

RalphRecklessCardew Fri 11-Apr-14 19:34:04

Oh fffs. Having one child isn't a family? Way to gratuitously offend people there.

WhoAteAllTheCremeEggs Fri 11-Apr-14 19:34:33

What an awful situation for you thanks
A termination you dont want at 37 is so much worse than being single.
Are you very very sure that hes not wasting your fertile years?

I was with someone who said 'one day, one day', it was always a couple of years away that I could have the family I'd always known I wanted. I wasted the whole of my 20's with that person, he never wanted children he just hoped that one day he would wake up craving that.

alita7 Fri 11-Apr-14 19:45:21

I'm sorry about your circumstances and my advice is to keep your baby. You will be 39 by the time he is saying he will be ready. what if he still isn't ready then and you are left potentially childless with someone you will resent forever. even then this is a lucky accident... at 39 it could take you years to conceive even at 37 getting pregnant as easy as you have isn't exactly the norm. you could end up 45 and still trying.
If it isn't meant to be, then in the least sensitive way possible because I don't know how else to say it, you will loose it.
I actually think your history of depression combined with the fact that you clearly want this baby is a reason not to abort, it could seriously affect your mental state.
If you do it, it would be for him, and In your position I would end up leaving him because the resentment would build up.
If you wanted to do it I wouldn't judge you, but you don't sound like you do, so I think the excuses are you trying to justify it to yourself... you worry about money and him being a student, but there is a lot of support in place for low income parents, especially in expensive place which I'm sure people will be happy to advise you about on a separate thread, but don't forget you can ask the citizens advice bureau smile
the situation isn't ideal but the truth is most people never are in the perfect place to have kids, if you want them you have to face that fear and get through the struggles.
I couldn't abort a baby if I knew I wanted one just a short time later, I'd be too scared karma would leave me unable to and I don't think I could justify it unless there were very select circumstances. your instinct says to keep your baby, do it. and if he leaves becsuse of it then he will be proving he is not the type of man to have a family with and he looses something amazing.

sebsmummy1 Fri 11-Apr-14 19:53:57

This makes me so cross. You are 37, you are pregnant and want a family with someone you are in a long term relationship with. How dare he ask you to terminate this pregnancy because it doesn't suit his timetable.

I was 37 when I fell pregnant with my son. I fell very quickly and the pregnancy was problem free. I am now 39, miscarried recently and had 6 months of TTC before my mc. Please think very carefully before you choose to terminate what may be your one chance of a family as after 35 your fertility shifts and risk of mc increases.

22honey Fri 11-Apr-14 19:56:42

Sorry Ralph I didn't mean that! Of course one child is a family christ I'm only going to be having that myself for a long while and will still consider us a family. Should have worded it better, I just take it usually when someone says they want a 'family' that they want more than one child, I've found thats usually the case, and that the OP should give thought to whether she does want more than one, given her age.

Sorry if I offended really didnt mean too! xx

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 11-Apr-14 19:57:57

I think you've had some really good advice here. Does he actually want kids at all? Leaving it til you're 39 is risky and you may find you run into problems with your fertility. How much is he aware of this? Or is he infact very aware.

Don't have a termination for him. There's every chance it could end up destroying your relationship as you'll resent him. Especially if later on you can't get pregnant. There is no ideal time to have a baby financially, whatever situation you're in.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Fri 11-Apr-14 20:04:57

I'm sorry but if a partner of 4 years isn't willing to stand by you when you get pregnant he's really not worth it.

If I was in your position I would go it alone. Congratulations on your pregnancy! It is wanted, at least by you, so see it for the blessing that it really is.

ithinkineedahug Fri 11-Apr-14 20:05:41

Just wanted to add too that certainly where I live my friend was unable to get IVF on the NHS because she had been pregnant before. not sure if this is the case everywhere or the ins and outs of it. good luck with your decision x

stripes1 Fri 11-Apr-14 20:10:14

Keep the baby. You won't regret that decision. How do you know he won't turn round in two years time and say he has changed his mind and now doesn't want children? Plus at 39 you could find it harder to conceive/ greater risk of miscarriage etc. I know two stories of women who terminated (though at a much younger age than you) and then couldn't conceive later. There will be lots of stories of women who do have babies after a termination, but for those two women I think there must always be a sense of 'what if' about it. They never had another chance to be a mother.

22honey Fri 11-Apr-14 20:16:31

I agree anita money should be no object really, I am on benefits at the moment (have been since summer last year) and entitled to healthy start and the sure start grant, I've not had to buy anything at all yet as have already been given everything I need by family members (grandmothers and aunties just love buying baby stuff smile) and there is lots more to come. We will be able to splash out the maternity grant on a great pram because we will need little else. I'd never have considered aborting because I'm not in the best financial situation, neither would DP, babies don't need lots of money just love, cuddles, feeding and the basics. Hopefully we should have a decent income coming in again by the time the baby is 1-2. We are lucky to have lots of supportive family though, not sure the OP's situation though she did say she had a support network.

I cannot understand (under most circumstances), how finances stop people having children. People all over the world have kids when they have nothing. There is generous help in this country for new mothers and those on a low income who are parents and no one should have shame in taking it up, if having a family is their dream. It makes me sad some people would pass up their dream of being a parent due to pride in not wanting to accept financial help. Not being well off doesnt mean you wont be a good parent.

KristinaM Fri 11-Apr-14 20:19:19

You are not " pushing him into something he's not ready for " . He chose to have sex with you and one of the risks is pregnancy. You both took that risk and you both have to live with the consequences. Not just you.

There is never a perfect time to have a baby and most first time parents feel they are not ready. Most people find money is tight, but they get by . I assume that you are currently supporting him as he's a full time student? Well now is the time for him to grow up and support you and his child.

If he leaves you because you refuse to terminate the pregnancy , he's not worth having and he might well have left you next month or next year because of something or someone else.

How will you feel if you terminate this pregnancy, then you get to 39 and he's still not " ready" ? Will you wait until you are in your 40s? Yes of course it's possible to have babies on your 40s but I wouldn't gamble on it .

marshmallowpies Fri 11-Apr-14 20:23:30

I also spent my 20s with a 'not now, not now' person - no marriage, no kids, no mortgage together, no putting down any roots together - and ended up single at 30. Luckily when I met my DH we realised pretty fast we wanted to be together as a family & had DD when I was 35.

I've just had a miscarriage at 37 and whilst it has been horrendous, I thank my lucky stars every day that we have DD, that we didn't delay having her.

Being a single parent must be one of the biggest challenges out there, I have no doubt of that, but if you want to be a parent above all else, don't miss out on your chance. I'm so glad I didn't.

Sebsmummy, I hope you get to have your DC no 2. I am feeling hopeful we will get ours, but I am trying to feel positive about being a family of 3, if that's how it ends up. 3 is definitely still a family!

AHardDaysWrite Fri 11-Apr-14 20:35:10

Keep the baby. Your fertility might not be so good in two years and if you can't have a baby then, you will regret it forever.

MincingOnBy Fri 11-Apr-14 20:39:51

Keep it. In your position I would definitely keep it and you sound like you want to. You are of an age where time is not really on your side (no offence!) and as others have said, if you terminate, wait a couple of years to try and can't conceive then or have difficulty, you will feel awful.

Follow your own heart, you will resent your bf if you terminate for him.

Clarabumps Fri 11-Apr-14 20:45:22

I was with a man in my early 20's who was a 'not now' person. I fell pregnant by accident and we split. I then miscarried. It clarified that I really wanted children in my life.

Fast forward a few years and I fell pregnant again with a different partner. (I'm really fertile)He didn't want to be a dad, I wanted to keep the baby so I went it alone. He has never had any contact with ds and I knew what I was getting into.

Being a single parent is really hard but there is nothing like the love you have between you and your baby. No person can touch that.

I have now been in a relationship with DP for 7 years. We have 2 children together and ds who refers to DP as Daddy.
When I decided to keep DS, I had no idea what the future held. I just knew I wanted him. I knew he was meant to be. My life has totally changed for the better and I think in this instance you need to go with your gut.

You really want kids.
DP is undecided.
If you don't have children, will he be enough? If you terminate and you can't/don't have any more children, will you resent him forever?
What if he says he doesn't want to have any in two years?
Will you have a child on your own then.

It's a fucking horrid situation. Horrible. Only you know the answer to this though. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

Love xx

hm32 Fri 11-Apr-14 20:47:20

What do you want more? A baby, or your partner? Your gut response to that question, will tell you what to do. If you yearn for a child, and cannot imagine your future without children, then terminating this one is a massive risk. Your risk to take though, not his. It isn't HIS fertility that's declining year on year, but yours.

AveryJessup Fri 11-Apr-14 20:49:10

If his only reason to terminate is financial readiness then your timing is actually perfect. Babies are pretty cheap if you can manage to save a little over the next 9 months and while mat leave is not well paid in most jobs, it is also cheap as you spend a lot of time at home or just doing low-cost stuff with baby.

IME the real cost of children kicks in when they're 1+ - that's when they start eating meals, wearing clothes and shoes, needing more entertainment than a squeezy ball or mobile grin and, if you're going back to work, childcare. So really if you're pregnant now then you have almost 2 years before big costs start to kick in, childcare being the most obvious one.

If, however, his reasons for termination are entirely selfish e.g. he doesn't feel 'ready' or isn't committed to you or just doesn't really want DC and is just fobbing you off, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. I agree with PP who say they at 37, you can't afford to take chances on your fertility if having DC is that important to you.

Best of luck with your decision - it is hard to be pregnant with someone who is not being supportive sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now