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Is it cruel of me? I feel sad for having a boy

(112 Posts)
FirstTimeMom12 Mon 07-Apr-14 16:41:26

I thought I would be OK no matter what the sex although I was secretly hoping for another girl, so that my daughter can have the sister & friend I never had. Is it cruel of me?

I feel sad and depressed all of a sudden, I wanted a second girl sad

It does not help that my mom and an aunt always said that they prefer girls over boys and my mom blatantly told me she also hoped I was having another girl...

jkklpu Mon 07-Apr-14 16:43:30

Sorry you are sad. This is one of the reasons for not finding out the sex in advance: very hard to be disappointed when you're actually presented with your new baby for the first time.

Sisters can become best friends but they can also fight like cats; there's no way to know how it might have turned out. So try to look forward to the lovely boy you're carrying and ignore anyone else's comments. Better than that even, don't tell anyone else.

MrsBennetsEldest Mon 07-Apr-14 16:44:45

Your baby will be your DDs brother and friend. Poor baby, not good enough for its Mother, Gran or Aunt. sad

Innogen Mon 07-Apr-14 16:45:12

If it helps, I know many adult brother sister combos who are inseparably good friends.

gamerchick Mon 07-Apr-14 16:46:27

You'll not care when you see him.. don't worry.

Spinaroo Mon 07-Apr-14 16:47:39

When he's here you will wonder why you ever wanted anyone else, I promise you.

FirstTimeMom12 Mon 07-Apr-14 16:49:07

Thank you jkklpu, I know what you mean. With my first I was so happy, I did not think this will affect me.

DH wanted to tell the news to his dad and he trully seemed happy with either option. I feel upset on my end though. I have to find a way to manage my feelings...

kotinka Mon 07-Apr-14 16:50:04

I felt like this too at first but it's ok, you'll be amazed, boys are just as lovely, cuddly and funny as girls.

FirstTimeMom12 Mon 07-Apr-14 16:52:20

Truly hope he will take after my DH and not my side of the family.

I never bonded with my brother and always had to make up for his wrong doings by listening to my upset mom or relatives for his actions... I hope my DS will be like his wonderful dad and erase all the bad memories I have...

Kittymalinky Mon 07-Apr-14 16:53:37

If it makes you feel better I'm really close and good friends with my brother. Probably wouldn't have been if he'd been a sister smile

ajandjjmum Mon 07-Apr-14 16:56:06

Boys are amazing, and can be pretty good friends with their sisters!

FirstTimeMom12 Mon 07-Apr-14 16:56:16

Truly hope he will be a good boy and best friends with his sister, good to hear there are nice bonding stories Kittymalinky & Innogen

snickers251 Mon 07-Apr-14 16:58:19

I had the exact same feelings when I found out dc2 was a girl

I had visions of 2 boys!

By the time she arrived I felt silly for even thinking it but at the time I was really sad

runningonwillpower Mon 07-Apr-14 17:01:53

FirstTime - sounds like this is your mum's issue. And it started with you and your brother.

It doesn't have to be like that. Break the mould.

I have a son. He's gorgeous. He's all grown up now and he's everything a mum could want.

Guess what he did today? He spent it with his sister. How nice is that?

Raxacoricofallapatorius Mon 07-Apr-14 17:04:20

Please accept this is normal. You are grieving for what won't be, not rejecting what is. The family dynamics won't help. It's common to fear recreating a bad relationship but you will find it all pales into insignificance. Your baby will be a unique person and you will love him as fiercely as you do your dd. I am best friends with my brother and my own dd and ds are inseparable. I raised them to love each other for who they are, not the fact of their biology. It's almost a healing experience to create a healthy, positive relationship where you grew up without one. Be determined to give that to your DC. And tell your family to keep all and any comments to themselves. You show them how it should be done.

PastaandCheese Mon 07-Apr-14 17:09:52

DH and his DSis are so close. They have a wonderful relationship. My DSis and I are not close.

I have a DD and a DS and I love having one of each. I really hope they are as close as adults as they are now. DD adores her baby brother and it's funny to see her mother him.

findingherfeet Mon 07-Apr-14 17:12:53

It's ok to feel however you want.

It's good you have found out pre baby's arrival, so you can prepare and no doubt get excited about your little boy.

I understand how it feels to want a certain gender, I desperately wanted a boy second time round (and was fortunate that he was one but worried about feeling a little disappointed if not - we didn't find out as hubs wanted the surprise)

You'll love your baby regardless of gender when he is here and you won't be able to imagine life without him I'm sure smile

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 07-Apr-14 17:13:47

You will adore him when he comes along, baby boys are just yummy.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 07-Apr-14 17:16:47

I have a brother and two sisters. I get on way better with my brother than with either sister.

My own DS & DD are very close too. The personalities of your children do much more to determine how well they will get on. Is it not really down to gender at all smile.

TheHappyMonkey Mon 07-Apr-14 17:17:35

I always wanted a brother! My sister and I have never been close and I always felt so envious of friends with brothers. maybe the grass is always greener smile

playftseforme Mon 07-Apr-14 17:18:04

I was sad when I found out I was having boy DTs, after always assuming I'd have another girl. It did take some time to come to terms with that, but fast forward three years, my boys are the most delightful, scrummy, funny, clever, imaginative people, and make me incredibly happy every day.
And my dd gets on with them just fine

Inbl00m Mon 07-Apr-14 17:20:48

If it makes you feel any better having two girls doesn't automatically mean they will be friends. And I say that from experience! The brother/sister siblings I know seem to get on better than sister/sister pairs. My niece and nephew (3 and 1) adore each other and I'm sure your LOs will be the same smile

ChicaMomma Mon 07-Apr-14 17:21:39

If it helps, i have an older brother and a younger sister. Never got on with my sister, much closer to my brother. You have a romantic idea in your head of 2 girls being great friends- it's not always that way.

Sorry that you're feeling sad though.

I agree with jkklpu, it is the one reason to not actually find out- there would have been no disappointment once your beautiful little boy was handed to you on the day (if you didnt know in advance). As my mother says, whatever you end up with on the day is always what you want- because it's your beautiful, perfect baby, willy OR fanny.

We were the opposite- lots of pressure all 'round to have a boy, as there are (in my nieces words) ''too many girls'' in the family already. 8 nieces on both sides, 1 nephew. The 1 nephew told me he'd never speak to me again if he was presented with ''another girl cousin''. Thankfully we're having a boy. If it was a girl, i will admit i probably would have felt your sadness, so i do empathise.

neolara Mon 07-Apr-14 17:26:32

Did you find out at the scan? When I found out at the scan I was having a boy, I had a little moment of grieving for the girl I thought I was going to have. It didn't last long and when he was born I totally fell in love with him.

I think this is the potential downside of finding out at the scan. I didn't find out with dc1. He turned out to be a she, but because she was in my arms, I didn't have time to feel anything other than excitement at having a baby, no matter what the sex.

ChicaMomma Mon 07-Apr-14 17:32:53

I remember seeing an episode of One Born Every Minute where the father CLEARLY really wanted a boy- once the baby came out, sans willy, he was so disgusted he turned his back and walked away!! i was horrified.

neolara i agree with you though- next time i will have a v strong preference for having a girl (a- here's hoping there is a next time and b-my first son isnt even born yet so am getting ahead of myself) but for that reason i will probably not find out next time- i'd hate to spend 20 weeks of my pregnancy upset that baby wasnt a she like i had planned.

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