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Feeling overwhelmed by Inlaws, overall down in the dumps.

(32 Posts)
Londonlady76 Sat 29-Mar-14 17:24:13

Hi I'm new to this forum I'm 34 weeks pregnant and feeling very overwhelmed.

Just to say its a long winded rant lol
We have every thing bought for baby including pram and car seat etc. My mother inlaw has bought a lot of stuff for us. How ever grateful I am it's not what I would of picked out. I had money put away for all things baby and I haven't had chance to buy any thing. It kind of got my back up but just put it down to excitement and let it lie.

Now I've found out she's bought a pram for herself wtf. I plan to breastfeed exclusively up to a year so baby will be close by in my year off work. Do you think it's weird she's bought a pram for her self or I'm a being a total bitch.

My mother on the other hand doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't expect her to spend all sorts, she has bought baby girl lots of books things that she can keep and read when ever. To me these small tokens mean so much more that over the top baby gifts and clothes. My husband who I love, will send pictures to me of stuff his mother has bought and if I don't reply he rings saying did u get picture.
Yesterday my mother brought over to of the books to add to baby's room and when I showed them he said oh yeah then looked away. When my mother went home I burst out in to tears and said it's not always about money and things my mother had bought us mean so much more. My mother buys things that will benefit baby. His mother buys showy things like expensive clothes.

Sorry just had to let off steam you will all think I'm and ungrateful bitch moaning about things she has bought but honestly a pram for her self seems over the top sad

K8eee Sat 29-Mar-14 17:33:24

londonlady I couldn't written your post! Admittedly my in laws haven't bought a lot, they wanted to get us the cot which is really kind of them, so I picked one out, showed FIL and he wasn't interested in it apart from handing the money over. maybe were old fashioned or we've been brought up to be a bit more respectful but I thought it would be nice for him to see what we have picked.

my mum and dad have done pretty much the same as yours and bought loads of little bits for at their house which means a lot to me buy dh doesn't see things that way (must be just them I suppose!) They wanted to get us some stuff for baby so contributed towards the steriliser, bottles, baby monitor etc. All stuff we will use but some of the smaller day to day bits that'll get a thrashing.

my MIL also said not to worry about a pushchair as she has a cast off from her own grand daughter. We've spent a fortune on a decent travel system so the car seat etc all work with it. tbh it hacked me off that she has told me what I do and don't need; I know she's trying to be helpful but I will use what I want to use angry

I totally get where you're coming from, you're not on your own! smile

DuckandCat Sat 29-Mar-14 17:34:41

Pram thing is weird! There is a thin line between 'excitement' and getting completely carried away and forget the baby isn't actually yours confused

Poor you, can see why you're upset.

pinkpompomispretty Sat 29-Mar-14 17:38:51

I can see why your upset as it is Ott but be thankful that she's interested. My MIL has no interest whatsoever in my daughter and we live 5 mins away. Even today oh text her to see if we could drop her presents in for Mother's Day tomorrow and she said no she's busy all week. She has seen my dd twice in a year, even though I try and make an effort she just doesn't care. So although I can see what it saying be thankful they are excited and happy for u, as I didn't even get a card when I had dd.

EeyoreIsh Sat 29-Mar-14 17:40:05

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, but buying a pram is over the top! Can your DH have a word with her about it and ask her to check with you before buying anything else.

You might change your mind about your MIL taking your baby out though. I certainly have as I really need the break she gives me once a week. my MIL won't go far as I don't like it, but it does give me a break. I'm EBF too so it is possible.

We've politely returned gifts from in laws that aren't wanted/beds, and they've not taken offence.

weebigmamma Sat 29-Mar-14 17:54:49

My MIL did this last time- totally assumed that baby would be staying at her house really soon after birth and got all annoyed when it became clear that this was not going to happen. I totally understand your feelings- you are grateful and want them to be involved but you feel protective over this wee being that YOU have been carrying for the past number of months. Practice now being firm with a smile. It is really hard and my MIL was quite cross with me for saying when she could and couldn't visit etc. even though I was quite ill after the baby's birth. It was pretty stressful. This time round I have husband well primed to have my back and intercept the pressure, I hope it works! You will want your family to be involved, of course you will, but they need to recognise that this is YOUR baby and you need time together alone before anyone else 'helps'. And you are entitled to take as much time as you need. Try not to be freaked out by them buying a pram- you still get to say when the baby is with them or not. It's their problem if they bought a pram without asking you about it and then it goes unused. They should have asked you if it would be helpful- their shit, not yours! :-)

Londonlady76 Sat 29-Mar-14 17:55:19

I know I do feel a bit unreasonable but the pram thing to me is totally weird. We have a brand new pram, if she takes the baby why not use the one we have. I think I was more upset at the fact my hubby kind of disregarded little gifts of my mother but then kind of goes on and on at what his mother has got us.

Let me get one thing straight I'm truly grateful for all she has bought us, and how excited she is for baby girl to arrive. I guess I'm just hormonal and feeling overwhelmed.

Londonlady76 Sat 29-Mar-14 17:58:15

There just seems to be a trend with friends of mine that have mother in laws who want bloody rights to baby a few weeks after their born. My mother is so supportive and tells me to do things in my own time. I feel like mil try's to take over.

LondonJen Sat 29-Mar-14 17:59:03

My mum bought a pram she keeps at her house for when my nephew visits. They come by train or my mum has to pick them all (brother, sil, kid) up in the car. So not much room for fetching things. I think it can just be a practical solution, tho maybe your MIL is close by..

I do feel your pain as my MIL takes over buying things for our and my dp's silblings house when maybe we would like to buy these things ourselves as part of the making it a home you know? I can never understand why that doesn't occur to her. But she is just so desperate to be involved.

It's likely all the people around are just trying to show they care. It's so hard to keep calm about it sometimes tho!

Londonlady76 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:01:56

I understand that part London Jen. I live 2 min walk away from mil lol literally no need for such a bit expense. I mean I will walk to her with my pram then what she's going to take baby out and put it in hers. Do I leave my pram there or take and empty pram home with me. Bloody silly lol

Mrswellyboot Sat 29-Mar-14 18:02:55

I don't think yabu at all!!

Your first baby, you like to buy the little things
The pram is wierd. I have a lovely MIL. She is always there but in a nice kind, not in your face way

I wouldn't like it

Now my mother got into a mood if I bought anything - her friend wanted to get that (her friend, not mine)

Mrswellyboot Sat 29-Mar-14 18:06:07

The only thing I can suggest is, that the money you are saving by mil buying all around her, could towards nice baby massage or swimming classes that are just for you and baby

I think she needs to back off a bit though- it could be two months before baby arrives

weebigmamma Sat 29-Mar-14 18:11:08

When my first was born my inlaws bought so many clothes that all I bought was one outfit. It got lost in the hospital and I cried for days. It was the only thing I'd bought for her myself. I still feel teary thinking about it! This time I've bought the baby a few things.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Sat 29-Mar-14 18:22:44

The pram thing is mental. Ignore it and she will soon realise what a stupid idea it was.
My mil bought all sorts of stuff before ds was born including a travel cot and filled a cupboard with nappies and wipes and Muslims and things. He's 8 months, never stayed at her house and won't for a very long time, she had to change the nappy sizes lots of times before eventually handing them over, she has never changed him and even thou she lives 5 mins walk away, lucky if she sees him once a month.
She has admitted she had no idea what to do with him, but still hints about looking after him for me.
He is a very easy baby. But she watched him for 10 mins while I went to the shop and he screamed blue murder then she lied and said he had been fine, even thou he had a blotchy face so I knew what had happened.
My mum is a widow and not as flush and buys similar things like your mum , which is fine by me.
I cared a lot when I was pregnant and now he's here I don't care that much about things like that.

greentshirt Sat 29-Mar-14 18:24:23

My MIL is a bit crazy too, first grandchild and all that!

You need to perfect smile and nod and choose your battles. We live VERY close to my in laws and she's all over doing a bedroom for baby etc, I am of same thinking as you, a year plus maternity, planning on breast feeding and having baby in our room for the duration if all goes well. I am fighting off comments like 'well you can still go to the pub as much as you want, he can stay at our house at xmas, when can we take him on holiday etc' topped off with 'dont forget, he is partially my baby'

I've just ignored it so far, its all coming from a good place and really who cares if she shells out on a pram she never uses?! Also, you dont know what its going to be like when the baby comes, you might be grateful for her taking baby off your hands a little so dont say anything just yet!

One thing you need to do though is address the issue with your DH. Im lucky that mine is an incredibly reasonable person and wouldnt hesitate to say if he thinks she or me is being ridiculous. Also, stop bringing your mum into it like she is perfect, you dont know what she will be like when baby comes either! Take a step back and chill out about it all (easier said than done I know) its your baby, your time, your stuff, your money and your choices at the end of the day, dont let anyone else ruin it for you, but equally, dont ruin it for yourself either.

Londonlady76 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:33:14

I think some of it is me being extremely hormonal. One day at a time. Thanks for all the advice, I'm glad I'm not the only one with crazy mil. I will say one thing she's a lovely lady just a wee bit controlling.

What I've wrote on this post if only half of it lol

Thank you

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Sat 29-Mar-14 18:42:00

Yanbu

My MIL brought a pram even before we told her we were trying hmm and now that we changed car and her pram won't fit, (we didn't tell her we were changing cars) she now wants us to change the car again. And there are other little things that annoy the hell out me like I'm not allowed to buy pregnancy clothes as none of her family did - ok then confused she is going to be hell!

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Sat 29-Mar-14 18:44:41

Oh it's second hand pram in not very good condition.

I hear you OP.
My MIL has been totally OTT and inundated us with things she likes for my baby.

I'm torn between feeling so grateful for their generosity and thoroughly pissed off that she's taken away my chance to buy the things I had 'chosen' in my head on those first wanders around baby shops when we first found out. I wanted to save buying some stuff for on maternity leave with my mum.

I could have cried when she pulled out a non-descript cream mobile for the cot, I had a gorgeous pattern to knit one while on ML, it was so silly but just too much.

I find it controlling and intrusive. But then again I also don't like it when she buys things for my house.

And I feel like a total cow for feeling this way sad

alita7 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:50:43

I totally see where you're coming from, it would have been much better if she'd said she wants to buy you some baby stuff and invited you out shopping or at least showed you a catalog or something first. I worry I'll have similar happen with my family and in laws and that will be difficult as im a bit of a control freak and have specific tastes so will not want to be inundated with things my mil loves and I hate. If she wants her own pram then why not it doesn't hurt but it would probably have been better if she'd bought something more useful. When I told my mum I was pregnant she told me I should use her 20 year old pram out of her garage.. ugh no. It's multi coloured and I'm going to get one I like... :p

alita7 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:52:29

Sorry I sound so ungrateful above I'm very thankful in advance for people's help but I am saving up to get what I want and I fully intend to not have to use something I hate to please others.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Sat 29-Mar-14 18:52:41

It's hard when pregnant as things that made me cry and get really angry about, don't really bother me now.
Just do what you want to do and she will realise that she has to fit into your way of doing things or not get to do them at all.
One day at a time is hard but the best way.
Hope everything goes well,
babies are amazing! grin

hubbahubster Sat 29-Mar-14 19:58:36

Smile sweetly and let her keep all the stuff she buys at her house. That's what I do with DM. Then you don't even have to look at it and she can find out for herself what a waste of money it all is.

theborrower Sat 29-Mar-14 20:37:40

My MIL bought a cot and high chair from someone she knew who was getting rid of stuff. She also wanted us to buy their pram but it was hideous a massive travel system that just didn't suit our needs. I know she meant well but it really bugged me because not only were they not to my taste, but they were bulky - we were living in a teeny flat at the time and space was at a premium. We ended up buying our own, telling her that they were just not practical for us, and she keeps them at her house for when we visit. The high chair has been useful but the cot has been used maybe three times? They also bought us a travel cot (from same people) so there really was no need. It's hard not to feel ungrateful but you wonder - why can't they just ask or respect that you'd like to get something yourself, that you've chosen, for your baby. The grannies are the worst at buying bumpf.

ChasedByBees Sat 29-Mar-14 20:45:14

You're not being unreasonable at all. You really do need to speak with your husband about how you're feeling though. He is being unfair to expect you to gush over his mother's presents if he barely acknowledges your mother's presents. It would be good for him to have your back and protect you in the early post natal days.

The pram thing is just weird too. I EBF. There's no way anyone else's pram would have got any use! Her problem though, although it would help if your husband told her to stop going OTT.

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