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Just found out I'm pregant HELP ADVICE NEEDED

(47 Posts)
Cakehan Mon 24-Mar-14 16:26:45

Hi
I'm new to this - I've just today found out I'm pregnant
I'm nearly 21 and I finish my university degree in 5 weeks.
I've been with my boyfriend 4 years and last June we bought a 1 bed flat together.
I don't know what to do- I can't really afford a baby and I'm terrified I'll just be letting it down is I feel like I need it have an abortion
But then I think is not having all the money in the world a valid reason to abort a baby?
I really need advice on this - I just want to hear other peoples stories and I'd love to hear from people who raised a baby in a flat? Or do you think we would have to sell before it was born? Also how much of a struggle was it? I work part time in a pub but the plan was to finish my degree and get a full time Job - so would I now have to go on benefits? My partner works full time as an electrician
Any help would be appreciated xx

Twitterqueen Mon 24-Mar-14 16:29:32

you need to tell your partner OP
This isn't something you can decide on your own.
I can't advise you because it's something only the two of you can reach a decision on.
Take some time too (if you have it).
Get some counselling as well from Marie Stopes or similar.

Good luck!

Cakehan Mon 24-Mar-14 16:33:35

I have plenty of time I'm quite early on ATM , I know this is a decision we need to make together I kind of just wanted other peoples experiences or if other people had felt like this when they found out they were pregnant or if they were in similar positions
Thank you I need it! Xxx

TheAwfulDaughter Mon 24-Mar-14 16:40:46

More experienced posters who have been in your situation will be along soon, but something that sticks out from your post is a 'valid reason to abort'

You do not need a 'valid reason to abort', or a justification. If it honestly is not right time for you and you simply don't want to be pregnant any more, then that is reason enough.

What is your degree in? Does it lead directly into employment (medicine, nursing, teaching, accountancy?) or would you need to hunt for a grad job?

If you did continue with the pregnancy, you could up your hours at the pub (if possible) or attempt to get a min wage job in retail/supermarket. You wouldn't be entitled to full maternity, but it would give you a chance to save some money for baby and keep you and your partner afloat? We get our final loan payments soon, so you could try and keep back some of that. Once you've had baby, sack it in and SAHM it, whilst interviewing and searching for a grad job/career?

With a lovely little flat, hardworking secure partner, your degree behind you and done- it really is not the end of your life. If you would like an abortion, fine, but I doubt you are going to end up in a crackden destined to a life on benefits if you continue grin

Congrats on nearly finishing uni! I finish in 5 weeks too! flowers

Fairypants Mon 24-Mar-14 16:47:30

I can't advise as such.
I became pregnant at 20, couldn't face the idea of having an abortion so we went into it with very little money (I was temping and DH was working part time in a shop). Money was really tight and most baby stuff was second hand. We did argue a lot about money for a while too but we managed and finances eased up over time. Dd is now 15 and a really happy, good kid so we feel we made the right decision.
I know plenty of people who have started new jobs whilst pregnant so there's no reason to assume you can't work if you do decide to keep it- it might be a good idea to get applying ASAP though.
At the end of the day, it will depend on how you and your partner feel about it as it would likely be a real struggle.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

wigglylines Mon 24-Mar-14 16:49:46

I found out I was pregnant when I was doing an access course and had a place at uni (as a mature student). I was working part-time on a temp. contract, so no maternity leave available. I wasn't with the father at the time (we had been friends for years but lived miles apart, and I lived in a one bed flat which I owned. I wasn't sure if we'd have the baby or not.

We decided to go for it, have the baby and be together. DP moved to be with me but that meant quitting his job.

So we had very little money. We've managed one way and another (e.g. we rented our flat our and moved for work, I delayed the start of my degree by 2 years, DP studied too, we made full use of the childcare grants which you get when studying or on working tax credits. We sublet rooms in the house we rented, etc).

Being in a flat should be doable, at least at first. Babies are meant to be in the same room as you for the first 6 mints anyway. DS was in the same room as us till he was 2 in the end.

I'm not saying you should go ahead with the pregnancy necessarily. But I am saying that you'll find a way to cope if you want to.

I'm glad I kept my baby. But I also had a termination, an earlier pregnancy, with the wrong guy, at the wrong time. Had I gone ahead with they, I would not have had my DC with what turned out to be the right guy IISWIM.

You need to decide what's right for you, I can't tell you that.
All the logistical problems you mention can be overcome however, if you want,

You need to ask yourself some questions, like, how would you feel after having an abortion? Would it be something you'd regret in later life if you had trouble conceiving or couldn't conceive later on in your life? Is money really an excuse to end a potential life? There's a lot of help towards child are now if you decide to get a job once baby is old enough. You wouldn't be letting it down if you brought it into this world, money or no.

sleepyhead Mon 24-Mar-14 17:16:23

We just moved from a 1 bed flat on the 3rd floor to a 3 bed flat on the 2nd floor. It's lovely having more room and not having to climb so many stairs!

However... ds1 is 7 and ds2 is nearly 1.

You have a lot of thinking to do with your dp, but I don't think where you live is an issue At All.

We were a bit cramped, and don't get me wrong I would have liked to have moved, but staying put got us through some very, very lean times.

You don't need a house, or a garden, or even 2 bedrooms to have a happy family life.

lokiloki48 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:20:39

I am currently in the last three months of my degree and am 12 weeks pregnant today. My partner and I found out we were expecting when I was only a couple of weeks pregnant and honestly for us it was a no brainer and we could only ever decide to keep our baby. But we have been together 5 years and it's something we have been discussing and I'M 29 so do feel ready. To be honest we don't have loads of money and I will now have to put my career aspirations on hold for awhile to have this baby but this is what I want to do. You have to ask yourself if it's really what you want and the right time for you both (although apparently there is never a right time!). Your 21 so have plenty of time for children at a later stage if that is what you want, I had an abortion when I was 20 and without risking sounding cold hearted or cruel it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did because now I know my partner and myself are ready and willing for all that go's along with having a baby. But that doesn't mean it's the right choice for you, you don't want to end up regretting it or feeling guilty if you do have an abortion. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and really discuss what is best for you both. Whatever you decide it will be the right choice for you and don't let anyone tell you any different. Good luck x

buttercrumble Mon 24-Mar-14 17:31:42

I found out I was pg at 20 , at the time it was the worse thing in the world. After a lot of deliberating I continued with the pregnancy and went on to have twins. They are now in their first year at uni , and I also have a pretty good job. I won't say it wasn't hard or great timing but all worked out great. Good luck with whatever you decide it doesn't have to be the end of the world thanks

Cakehan Mon 24-Mar-14 20:34:03

Thanks to everyone for your supportive replies. Currently having a big long think about everything and being a general emotional wreck.

My degree is in criminology and law so not the easiest thing to get a job straight away in- but I'm hoping itll work out because I'm really passionate about it and I also study Ana did tonal forensic crime course. It's been 3 years of very hard work!
I have so much love to give a baby and an amazingly supportive family I know they would be there for me. Just when I see people decorating nurserys and buying expensive prams and beautiful little baby grows I know I wouldn't be able to do all of that and the fact I'll only be 21 scares me.

I have read so many posts on here tonight so glad I signed up because otherwise I'd be going stir crazy. Time for a think xx

sleepyhead Mon 24-Mar-14 21:46:59

Yep. I was sad about the nursery. Not so much the clothes - you get looooads as presents, supermarkets sell some really lovely wee things very cheaply, and ebay/hand-me-downs are your friend for hardly worn stuff.

But honestly? That's all just stuff. Sadly some people get themselves into financial trouble trying to get all the new "stuff" and feel that they're not doing the best for their baby otherwise.

Staring into your baby's eyes, cuddles and lullabies are free and much more satisfying than matching curtains and cot bumpers and a Bugaboo wink

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 25-Mar-14 06:42:36

Hi smile I found myself in a very similar situation last year - 19 and unexpectedly pregnant, and just about to start year 2 of uni.

You don't need a 'valid reason' to have an abortion - if you are pregnant and don't want to be, you have every right to a termination.

For me, I thought I'd struggle with the guilt, so I tentatively decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Money isn't great but we have a lot of family support, my boyfriend works for a pizza delivery company and I work doing tours of my uni to prospective students. We've just moved into a brand new two bed flat at 35 weeks pregnant!

I'm not going to lie and say its easy, but I'm finishing the second year of a very demanding practical degree near the top of my class, going back in September for year 3. I've not lost any true friends over the pregnancy; just some hangers-on. This was never on the cards for us, I was convinced I was too smart and ambitious to get pregnant (clearly I wasn't, because I didn't realise that ambition isn't a great contraceptive), but right now I feel like its been the making of me as a person.

The decision is entirely yours and should be made without worrying what people will think or say. Its your life smile

Best of luck and if you need any advice or a chat, feel free to private message me smile

notaflamingclue Tue 25-Mar-14 09:18:46

OP, you really don't need to worry about the nursery thing - you won't be needing one for a good while yet! And as to all the expense of a new baby - well, I was given pretty much everything when pg with DS: cot, blankets, monitor, clothes, car seat (knew where it came from so ok), buggy, baby gyms, toys.....the list went on and on. I think I spent no more than �200 on him before he was born obviously I've spent loads more since!
Babies really do not need to be expensive.

Having said all that, I also had a termination a long time ago and this was completely the right decision for me at the time. I don't regret either decision one little bit.

Cakehan Tue 25-Mar-14 15:16:34

Thanks again for the replies j

Cakehan Tue 25-Mar-14 15:18:08

Thanks again for the replies just an update really I rung the doctors today and told them about my positive result and they booked me in to see the midwife there on Thursday. Is this normal? What will she do?
I havnt told my partner yet. I'm not sure why. I think I need to go to this appointment on Thursday to believe this is real before I tell him. And I'm only about 6 weeks pregnant btw xx

wigglylines Tue 25-Mar-14 18:02:04

It'll be a "booking in" appointment imagine, totally normal if you're going ahead with the pregnancy. Not sure if it is standard or not if you're undecided, I saw the doc when I wasn't sure.

wigglylines Tue 25-Mar-14 18:04:46

I don't remember what happened at either of my booking in appointments btw, must have been pretty uneventful! Think they probably start your pregnancy notes off, take some details (e.g. when your last period was) and put you in the system so you'll get a scan date.

wigglylines Tue 25-Mar-14 18:06:48

There was one MW appointment early on where they asked lots of questions (medical history stuff etc) maybe it was that one, I don't remember sorry! Hopefully someone with a memory will come along soon and tell you what happens at the first MW appointment!

Heatherbell1978 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:23:13

I wouldn't worry about living in a flat with a baby, that sounds like it's probably one of the few things you should be worried about. To put into context, I'm 20 wks pregnant with my first, am 36, married, have a good job (as does OH) and we live in a flat but we could afford a house tomorrow if we wanted. We like our flat and just can't be bothered moving just now! Put that to the side just now (babies don't need much space!) and focus on the other things. Sounds like you both need to sit down and really talk this through. Good luck!

HopefulMum2B Tue 25-Mar-14 22:34:00

I have never been pregnant, so take this thought with a pinch of salt and some caution. I will never forgot a story my mum told me year and years ago about her best friend who had an abortion. My mother told me how her friend always kept thinking about the baby. What it would have been like, how old her child now would be etc. etc. Even my mum got upset about it. That always made me think I would have that baby, no matter what. Having said that, I have never been in that situation and it is difficult to predict how I would react. I found generally in life all important decisions are best made from the belly and the gut, or whatever you want to call it. The heart, maybe. But never really the head. You sound pretty well balanced and you are a clever girl, so I am sure your head will deal with any situation life throws at you - after having digested the news and weighed up all options and pros and cons. But then there is also the underlying gut feeling, that will surely tell you what you would LIKE to do. So I am sure you will make the right decision. Good luck and stay strong!

McFox Tue 25-Mar-14 22:38:16

I agree with Heatherbell, don't worry about living in a flat - I'm 38, 29 weeks along and we live in a flat. We're happy here and it will be just fine.

DH and I both have really good jobs but I love a good bargain - we've barely bought anything new! The baby won't care smile We've decorated the nursery and bought a fancy pram, cot and more second hand, all in its cost us less than £400.

First things first, you need to have a good talk with your partner. You sound overwhelmed, and no wonder as you are dealing with all of the emotion of finding out that you are pregnant alone. Everyone needs support at this time, so concentrate on how you feel first; there's plenty of time for logistics later.

ruth1104 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:53:39

I'm 11weeks and although it was planned and very much wanted, we're financially not in such a different situation from you. My husband's a tradesman, and I finished uni just before we moved across the country a few months ago, I'm currently working part time but not earning a lot.. Personally I see that as an advantage because we've never gotten financially used to having two full time incomes. Yes, for my career it might have been more sensible to wait a few years until I'd gotten more experience in the areas I'd like to work in, but like others said there's never a good time to have a baby; they're inconvenient things!
However that's all my personal situation and maybe it isn't yours. I would say though, I fully expect to feel like I'm letting my child down at one point or another as we're probably none of us the parents we'd like to be (any more than the people we'd like to be...)
Sounds like you need to have a big discussion with your OH and think about what you both really want, because I do think the practical issues can usually be worked out one way or another. About the midwife appointment though, the assumption is that you're having the baby and they take your medical history, give you your notes and lots of pregnancy advice, etc so it's possibly not the place you want to be if you're not sure you're going ahead. Your GP might be able to pass you on to an appropriate therapist but it's also ok to go to them if you're just not sure what to do. Good luck!

weebigmamma Wed 26-Mar-14 07:44:44

We don't have a nursery or much space but I have a daughter and I know from before that nursery isn't necessary and space isn't an issue until much later. Baby will sleep in with us for a long time. Do talk to your partner and seek out Marie Stopes so you can talk things over with a professional- they'll have seen a great many people in your position before. If you know that you want the baby then don't let the lack of money put you off- you'll manage. It's good that you're finishing your degree soon- that's real achievement and although degree does not = job these days you are still in a better position that many people who don't have third level education and are seeking a job. Good luck! x

Nordicmom Wed 26-Mar-14 08:08:23

Just wanted to reassure you about your living situation . I have a brother and until I was 14 we grew up in a 1 bed flat ( parents had a sofa bed in the living room and I shared with my brother) . Infact I spent my whole childhood in flats in a city centre in another country , only after we kids left my parents lived in a house . I didn't miss anything and had a great childhood . We played in the courtyard in a garden with other kids and went to parks.
The other thing is that please think about how you'd feel if this was the only baby you'd ever manage to conceive . Although prob quite rare and don't want to scare you sometimes it does happen . As people say there's not necessarily ever a "right time " to have a baby but life goes by . You have many things in place ; a loving partner , a home,an education , at least one income ,supportive family and you're an adult . Ultimately only you and your partner can decide ofcourse , every child should be wanted. I wish you best of luck with what ever you decide . Hug

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