This is a ramble but I literally just feel like rubbish all of the time.
- I look TERRIBLE! My face is literally like a pizza. I'm only 13 weeks... my face is looking chubby and it's full of rashes no matter what products I use. I'm trying sooooo hard not to scratch but I woke up this morning and I must have clawed myself in my sleep. Oh, not even to mention that my hair looks like I've washed it in a deep fat fryer. FFS, it looks minging and I feel like such a scruff. So I'm getting through serious amounts of coconut oil and foundation just to feel less like a 13 year old with a load of acne!
- Everyone is getting on my nerves and p-ing me off BIG TIME. My dad last night was doing my head in. He has the cheek to tell me what I should and shouldn't name my babies. I'm sorry, but his suggestions are awful. He named my sister and I, we have terrible names. Why should I have to waste my credit whilst he's slagging off my choices?! I tell him this and he starts taking the p- out of my youngest daughter's name, which I think is lovely. He starts talking about some stupid puppet (errm what, I'm not a grandad and I have no idea what he's even talking about) and singing 'Maaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaaaaaaa', she's my daughter and it hurts my feelings and he refuses to pack it in and he wonders why I shout at him!
Just to dig it, when I told my apparent friend about it, he seemed to think it was HILARIOUS and he keeps picking her up and going 'MAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'. Errrrrm, if it's annoying when my dad does it, it's as sure as hell to annoy me when he does it.... Don't men have common sense?
- I just worry something is wrong all of the time. Since I've known it's twins, I cannot stop worrying. Every time I have pains, I think 'oh this is it, I'm going to lose them'. I've known since a scan at 8 weeks and I still feel a bit in shock. I don't even know if I feel happy that it's twins. I expected one baby and to be honest, I'm too young for 3 children, never mind 4. I'm worrying sick about the results of the CVS I had recently, I'm worrying about if there's something wrong. I'm worrying about not being able to feed them properly because I don't eat enough as it is, I'm terrible for it and then when I've had a bad day trying to force more food in, I'm torn between feeling fat and even more disgusting than I already am and feeling guilty because I've not eaten enough. I worry how I'm going to cope, especially with the girls as well. I don't really want to be a single parent of 4 children. I've been in tears over and over and bloody over worrying about everything. I feel like I don't really want to be in this situation, yet I really don't want to lose them. Marina is 5 months in 5 days, and I will have 3 children under 1, which really isn't a relaxing thought. I'm worrying that all of my worrying will cause me to lose them.
I guess everyone has their own issues, but other people seem to be able to accept it. I have been thinking of names and stuff to try and stay on the positive side, but then I worry that I'm tempting fate.
Childish and pathetic rant over