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Newly pregnant - scared & overwhelmed

(24 Posts)
millcha Mon 17-Mar-14 11:00:35

Help! I found out on Saturday, two positive home pregnancy tests plus being 10 days late plus lots of signs and symptoms. Told the dad on Sunday who didn't react too badly. But my problem is that he's married to someone else and has a child with her, and not sure what he wants to do. I don't want to be a single mum, so if that's what will happen then I will probably terminate rather than raise my baby without a dad. I know plenty of people do it, but not me. But how do I say this without it seeming like an ultimatum? If he did not already have a son he says he would have left by now and it's me he wants... now made even more complicated. I'm at the doctors tonight for my first appointment etc. I think I'm about 3 weeks pregnant. I don't need anyone telling me their thoughts on being in a relationship with a married man - trust me - I just need advice on how I tell him in a nice non-threatening non-scary way that if he won't leave then I won't have it, because it's him I want, not a baby and definitely not a baby without him :-( :-(

akachan Mon 17-Mar-14 11:06:02

Did he give an indication when you told him? There's no way to make it sound like it isn't an ultimatum because it is. If that's how you feel though I can;t see what else you can do. Was abortion discussed when you spoke to him?

misspoirot Mon 17-Mar-14 11:17:54

Akachan is right, it is an ultimatum, whichever way you end up wording it. You might be able to soften it with the right words but you are still asking him to make a choice. It must be difficult for you. Do you have anyone in real life to support you?

millcha Mon 17-Mar-14 11:40:32

We sort of discussed all options - us being a couple, me doing it alone, or terminating. But we only had about 40mins together so didn't really resolve much. He's told me today that I'm not alone and once I've been to the doctors we'll know more about what we need to do.
No-one in real life because it's too early, and to be honest most people don't know that the guy I'm seeing is married. I think if he didn't have his son (who's 7) he would have left months ago, that's what he tells me. But what I don't know is how much me having his baby changes that. Is it really selfish to say I won't do it if I'm alone? I have a good job, a nice house, a good life, and although I know I'd love to be a mum, the thought of everything being a struggle is just not one I want to think about. I'm 30 next week though so it's not like I'm some young kid.

ElleDubloo Mon 17-Mar-14 13:23:09

Really feel for you millcha thanks What a difficult situation to be in.

Is it the case that you want to be a mum, whether or not the father is with you, but you're worried about how you will manage alone?

Or is it the case that you only want this baby because you're in love with the father and want him to be with you?

Hope the distinction between the two will be useful for you to think about. Hope I haven't offended you by asking.

My thoughts are with you.

Sleepyhoglet Wed 19-Mar-14 18:20:20

Do you have any family? Will the relationship with him stop regardless of your choice?

offside Wed 19-Mar-14 18:27:56

You need to make a decision based on whether you wantl

offside Wed 19-Mar-14 18:32:59

Oops! Phone went a bit nuts!

Anyway, I think you need to make the decision based on what YOU want for YOU regardless of OM. Who's to say that OM would leave his poor DW but then go back to her when the rush of an afair is over, or down the line, he does to you what he's doing to his DW or it just doesn't work out for whatever reason. You'll be a single mum. This is YOUR decision regardless of what the OM wants.

GingerRodgers Wed 19-Mar-14 20:31:35

I'm sorry to be blunt op but if he wanted to be with you, he'd have done it by now. Son or no son.

You need to decide - on your own - if you want this baby and if you can do it alone. It's not selfish to not want that. You have options. Just don't wait believing he's going to make a family with you because then it might be too late.

Plateofcrumbs Wed 19-Mar-14 23:43:27

What a horrible situation thanks

The thing is, even if he decides he wants to be with you and leaves his wife, a heck of a lot of stresses are going to be placed on your new relationship. Even if you both go in wholeheartedly wanting it to work, there is always a chance, a fair chance, that it won't.

Therefore I think you need to evaluate whether you want the baby irrespective of whether it involves him. It would be very much the wrong thing to do to go ahead with it as part of a dream of happy families. You need to go into it thinking you are prepared to bring up a child, be that with or without him. The pregnancy should be your first consideration, the relationship secondary.

Boogles91 Wed 19-Mar-14 23:48:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plateofcrumbs Wed 19-Mar-14 23:54:12

judgemental much boogles?

lyns31 Thu 20-Mar-14 01:42:48

An embryo, not a child boogles. Maybe you should have had a second thought instead of posting the vitriol.

Millcha, I agree with the other ladies that having a child to cement the relationship would be a bad idea. It's really about how much you want/are ready for a child and balancing that against how you would cope with a termination. It's not at all easy your situation as it's evident you love the father and that really clouds the way you feel about things. The ideal would be security and stability, but it's never completely guaranteed.

I would get some professional counsel in your situation as you really need impartial advice. Gp could maybe advise you on a service or contact something like marie stopes.

TheAwfulDaughter Thu 20-Mar-14 02:42:14

I feel sorry for you. How shit. Now, I know you don't want any judgement about you having it off with a married man, but you need to honestly consider these two facts:

1) Why are you so desperate to build a family with a man who has cheated on his family like this? Honestly?

2) Say he does leave, what happens when someone else catches his eye? After all, he left his wife and child so easy for you?

You need to reconsider whether you want to have this baby whether he is involved or not. There's nothing to say you can't do it without him.

weebigmamma Thu 20-Mar-14 03:24:19

No, you're not selfish. You're a woman in a difficult situation and many women have found themselves here. It is scary enough finding out you're pregnant (I am due in 3 weeks and I'm still scared!) without the feeling that you are might be facing it without a partner. I would agree with the others who say you should seek professional advice. Do contact Marie Stopes if you are considering an abortion. They will help you talk it out. You might also want to contact Relate who could help you work through your relationship difficulties (with or without your partner being there). Both of these places can offer expert advice. At the end of the day there is no right answer for what you should do- whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you.

My personal opinion: I don't think it's unfair of you to offer an ultimatum, personally, it might help both of you to work out what exactly it is that you want and maybe now is a good time to go for broke, either way. Secret affairs will always end up being destructive the longer they go on, unless they are brought to a head and a decision is made. Your partner also needs to know that even if he decides to stay with his wife that you can expect financial support from him at the very least, should you choose to have your baby. That will be tough on him because it may mean that he has to come clean about the affair, but you are entitled to this support from him and if you decide to have the baby then your priority is the child. These things do happen, they're very common, and although it can be a nightmare at the time people do get over it and move on. I know that is probably no comfort right now though. Remember- all of this is just my opinion and I don't know you or your situation.

I hope you can find some help to make the tough choices you are faced with. There are people who know how to listen and how to help. I will be thinking of you. x

weebigmamma Thu 20-Mar-14 03:28:29

PS ignore anyone judgemental! They're not in your shoes, don't let them make you feel like crap. There are plenty of us who understand. x

Ilikepancakes Thu 20-Mar-14 09:49:13

Hi millcha. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I really feel for you. You're not being "selfish" you are just working out the best thing to do for both you and your baby in this difficult situation and that is what anybody would do. Ignore what Boogles91 said - what has happened has happened and there is no point feeling bad about how now. I tried for a baby for a while and was upset when we couldn't get pregnant (we are now) but I think I would have been just as upset if I had of been pregnant unexpectedly a couple of years ago when I wouldn't have been ready. The being you are carrying is a potential child but right now it's only an embryo.

I noticed you said you thought you were 3 weeks pregnant; I think you are more than that if you tested positive on Saturday and were 10 days late to start your period. Wierdly your pregnancy is dated from the fist day of your last period not the date of conception; so if your cycle is average at about 4 weeks and your period should have started now over two weeks ago I think you might be more like six weeks pregnant.

I don't think you are giving him an ultimatum - just telling him what you think you will do if he won't be with you. However I do think that if he really wanted to be with you he would have found a way to leave his wife and still see his son but live with you by now, he's just making excuses. Choosing to keep a baby or not is a huge decision and I think you should consider more than just if the dad will be around as unfortunately there is no guarantee on that: you might terminate and in a few month he finally leaves his wife for you or you may keep the baby and the father might be with you for a bit then leave you after the baby is born, you just don't know.

Google "unplanned pregnancy councelling" there are lots of places you can get advice.

I know it is very early in the pregnancy (I didn't tell anybody other than my partner and medical staff till I was 15 weeks) but I think you should talk to a couple of close family members (mum, sister?) or friends now so they can help support you through this decision.

Boogles91 Fri 21-Mar-14 13:52:57

No im not being judgemental at all, i just get sick of hearing so many babies being born into situations like this...its not fair on them, and being "got rid of"!...and we wonder why generations have become so messed up these days....shouldnt post things like this if she cant expect a few different opinions. I have no sympathy im sorry there will be loads of people out there that feel the same...just to scared to say it. Should be prepared to take responsibility for your actions if you know what your are doing!

Boogles91 Fri 21-Mar-14 13:53:44

Im i am not trying to make her feel like crap either.

I think just be honest but think about what YOU want. Don't have an abortion or a baby you will regret.

Good luck OP.

millcha Fri 21-Mar-14 15:14:07

Hi. Wow. Thanks (and I do mean thanks) for everyone's advice. I knew when I posted that I'd get both sides, and I am grateful because it makes you think.
A bit of background - as I mentioned I'm 30. I was told when I was 15 that I wouldn't be able to have children without help. So I've never used any contraception to prevent it. So this is not just an unplanned pregancy, but sort of a miracle one for me personally.
With regards the affair element, when it started we both agreed just a bit of fun, not going anywhere, he wouldn't leave, I wouldn't ask etc etc. But (surprisingly) we fell in love with each other. His is a happy marriage, it's not easy for him to work out how and why this has happened. But I know he's struggled with it since Christmas and been back and to on his decision. It genuinely wasn't meant to be like this. He is very reluctant to leave his son because it would be replicating what happened to him when he was a kid, and he's therefore unable to imagine a scenario where he is amicable with his wife and sees his son regularly, because when his dad left it was for good and no relationship since, so I think he worries that will happen now.
So, this pregnancy has complicated everything. Couldn't be worse timing. When I said in my post that I only wanted it if I was with him, I meant just that. Not that it would cement our relationship god no. Just that the only motivation for me wanting this baby is that it would be his. I don't just want a baby and to hell with who the father is. Not sure if that makes sense. But basically, if he's not around - even if just in some capacity as a weekend dad - then I don't want to continue. I don't see the sense in being a single mum and struggling forever unless you absolutely have to or want to. I don't.
I hope that's answered a few queries. I'm still no further forward. We're both breaking our hearts over this. I have an appointment with BPAS on Wednesday, and I guess I'll see then if I'm able to go through with it. I started to feel pregnant this week (sickness and weird signs I didn't even know existed!), suddenly thinking about 'our baby' and feeling strangely protective about it, which has made this harder. I also bought folic acid...not sure if that's optimism gone mad or not.
Anyway...even just writing this helps me feel less alone and scared. I'll update after I've been to talk through and if I'm any closer to deciding what I want to do. Thanks again everyone, you are lovely and helpful people and you're making one overwhelmed girl feel a bit less lost xxx

Sounds like you'd regret aborting as it may be your only pregnancy!

But I would leave him out of the equation until he knows what he's doing.

livingzuid Fri 21-Mar-14 15:31:58

Oh what a scenario sad I had a friend in a similar position but was older than you. It's very difficult.

You need to think if you can be a single parent here. Agree with a pp that he would be with you by now otherwise. If you keep the baby you will be raising it on your own. There is nothing wrong with that but it is whether you want to do that or not.

Also you need to think if you thought a family was never going to happen that now you have that potential do you want the pregnancy to end? You may want a second opinion on your fertility as a lot has moved on in 15 years.

Take the man out of the equation. Think about what it is you want.

Good luck thanks

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 22-Mar-14 02:38:53

With that considered, I think you should have your baby. But you should take this fuckwit out of the equation.

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