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How long before visitors arrived?

(26 Posts)
K8eee Thu 13-Mar-14 14:59:05

dh and I are on our own, no one within a 2 and a half hour radius. everyone family and friend wise is so excited which is lovely, but both my parents and dh are desperate to get here asap once baby is born. totally understand they want to meet their new grandchild and want the whole new born cuddles & memories, but I have no idea what state ill be in and tbh I dred the idea of entertaining the in laws whilst I'm trying to figure out breastfeeding.

my parents I must admit do understand we'll want some space but they've already said they will come up as soon as the baby is born just to see were all ok, and won't stay. The in laws on the other hand I think will expect to stay a few days. I've made dh aware I will probably want time to recoup and get into a routine; also, who knows if the labour and birth go to plan?! It's not too harsh to tell them to wait until I'm ready is it? FIL partner is very house proud and judgemental, but I'm already in the mind set of if you don't like it sod off blush confused

misshoohaa Thu 13-Mar-14 15:04:35

Perhaps suggest to the in laws that whilst you are happy for them to visit it would be better if they could book into a B and B if within the first fortnight.
Actually your DH should tell them, they are his folks!

If you are establishing breast feeding I wouldn't have house guests for at least two weeks after and only when your DH is home to keep them entertained, and for 2 nights max!

K8eee Thu 13-Mar-14 22:15:35

I suppose I could do and if they don't like it I know it's going to cause waves, but surely it's understandable. its not like I'm saying they can't see their grandchild. I just don't want to be over stressing myself. my parents are fine with entertaining themselves and helping themselves to food & drinks whilst they're here. I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable with making themselves at home, as long as they clear up behind themselves.

SweetPea86 Thu 13-Mar-14 22:20:04

My midwife said as I'm planning on breast feeding that the first 6 hours just you baby and hubby is best. Giving plenty of time to bond and breast feed.

She said if visitors are coming in and wanting to all hold and pass baby around it's going to taking bonding time away from baby and mum.

I mentioned this to my mum and she said as long as I tell her I'm in labour she will wait untill were ready for her to come to hospital or home. It's more my mother in law I'm worried about lol as lovely as she is I'm 35 weeks and she's telling me to eat spicey food coz she's getting impatient lol.

I've asked my hubby just to wait untill I've give birth to tell people. I feel a bit harsh and nasty but family and friends have plenty of time to meet baby. I really really want to bond and BF so that's more important to me smile

K8eee Thu 13-Mar-14 22:32:28

sweetpea that's exactly what I said to dh. I don't want the stress of everyone trying to phone or text to see how things are going. I'd much rather be left to it, just dh and I, and for us to enjoy the first few hours to ourselves. I understand that not only is it exciting for us, but for our family too. FIL said to dh on the phone that he would like me to have it before the weekend so he doesn't have to go to a family party on Sunday! and then my mum keeps telling me how bored she is of waiting. I'm pretty bored of the pgp and backache I've had for the last 20 or so weeks but baby will come when baby is ready grin

K8eee Fri 14-Mar-14 15:31:55

has anyone else got this problem?

WTFlike Fri 14-Mar-14 15:34:40

Having people around ruined my first week or so with my baby. Say no.

TheKnightsThatSayNee Fri 14-Mar-14 15:38:44

I was in the same situation with family all living a couple of hours drive away. I insisted on a 1 week ban on visitors. I'm glad I did. Mil wanted to stay for two weeks to help out!

K8eee Fri 14-Mar-14 15:41:21

2 weeks with the in laws?! ergh I can't think of anything worse hmm would you even say a 1-2 week ban on your own parents popping over too? I really want dh and I to have a good bonding session with the baby in the early days. I'm petrified of what I will have to do in case I do something wrong, and tbh don't really want people watching over me judging what I'm doing confused

rockin20s Fri 14-Mar-14 16:09:13

this is something i am really worried about. both my family and Dh's family live only 15 mins away.

i have already started telling my DH that depending on what time the baby is born we wont be telling people till the next day to give us space because i can see everyone descending on us the minute we tell them.

i think i will have to allow everyone to see the baby on Day 2 but i am then putting a ban in place for at least a week (preferably 2 weeks). I really want to breastfeed, my MIL did not breastfeed so i know she will be of no help and wont understand the cluster feeding and skin to skin needed for good supply.

Sweetpea86 Fri 14-Mar-14 16:13:34

I think it's very selfish of people just just think they can come and bombard you after you give birth. My friend literally still had blood on bed and didn't even have chance to get changed before her mum and dad and five of her friends came bouncing in.

She said looking back it was ridiculous and should of been time for her baby and hubby.

My other friend wouldn't let any one come around until after 2 weeks apart from parents.

I've got friends who post pictures on fb 1 hour after birth. The minute I go in labour I'm deactivating my account and making hubby do the same thing so we have complete privacy. I sound so harsh like I said in last post but I think it's really important. I. Not very good with change. This is my first and I just know I'm going to feel a bit scared and overwhelmed

K8eee Fri 14-Mar-14 16:17:26

funny as I said the same thing to dh last night and my mum. although my mu was all 'oh well of course you will be, but so will we as your bringing our grandchild into the world. yeah I get that but I don't want to be pestered the second my waters break and the baby is out. I've already said the same to dh that I want it to be peaceful and for us to deal with the labour. its our time and I don't need him being distracted by phoning & texting people that im in labour. my mum wants to feel needed, but I don't want someone sticking their nose in taking over all the duties straight away. If I want help I'll ask

HannahG315 Fri 14-Mar-14 16:19:58

I have the EXACT problem!

I feel like my in-laws are checking up on my housekeeping every time they visit. They even bring their own tea bags and milks after one time when I didn't have milk in!

I will be expected to brew up and provide snacks and I'm also really conscious about BF. plus if I'm all sore or have had stitches below, I want time to recover and not have to indicate why I'm wincing!!

It's different with my own family. I can be a disgusting bloody mess and tell them to bugger off if they're too much.

My friends expect to come over days within the birth, so I've decided to put on FB- 'we can't wait for you to meet our newest arrival, but we'd like sometime for the three of us for now to recover and get some quality time together. Will let you know when we're ready for a visit'

Having in-laws stay over after the birth is TOO much! Can't your OH have a word??

GreatSoprendo Fri 14-Mar-14 16:22:15

My parents visited us in hospital the day after DS was born just for an hour, and then came over for an afternoon when he was about a week old. They live about 90 mins away, but were happy to do the journey and not stay long so as not to crowd us.

DPs parents love about 90 mins away too - they were waiting on our drive when we came home from hospital for 'to surprise us' angry. At least they only stayed a couple of hours, but it took the shine off the moment of arriving home. Now preg with DC2 - if they are waiting on the drive when we get home this time, I will be forcing DP to just keep driving!

No way would I have had anyone to stay whatsoever for the first 2 or 3 weeks.

weebairn Fri 14-Mar-14 16:38:21

I would not let them sleep in the house. Not even my very very helpful mum.

I welcomed everyone, but only one set of visitors a day, and only for a couple of hours at most. Even if they were coming from far away. Boyfriend ruled all this with an iron fist grin

YouHaveBeenOutbid Fri 14-Mar-14 16:47:15

You need to decide what you need and be really firm with them! I decided in advance that I didn't want any visitors for the first 3 days I was at home. I upset family members and it backfired as people just ignored it and dropped in 'on the off chance we were in'. The classic was a friend of my husband's aunt who 'just dropped in with a wee something for the baby' and stayed for 5.5 hours! I therefore spent the first 3 weeks making tea for visitors instead of bonding with my son. Given my time again I'd be ignoring that doorbell and doing more snuggling!

ithoughtofitfirst Fri 14-Mar-14 16:52:43

My brother and his boyfriend came in a second after delivering the placenta. They even looked in the pool and were like oh my god there's blood and stuff in here. They took loads of pictures of us and posted them on FB.

To be spiteful i kept ds latched on the whole time so they couldn't see his face properly.

I really want things to be different this time.

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 14-Mar-14 17:43:22

You need to decide and be firm. We made it clear that we would let people know when we were ready. In the event, we definitely needed about 48 hours. Thankfully my mother's work obligations meant she couldln't come quicker than that anyway, so I didn't get too much pressure. IL's ended up coming a bit later (week or so I think) due to long journey and pressures of planning it.

I would definitely say to limit people to staying in a Travelodge and make it clear that you might only be up to visits of a couple of hours at a time.

If you are in hospital, depending on the situation and the relationship, you might find it easier to allow them to visit for a couple of hours at visiting time so you have the hosue to yourself when you get out. Again, if they feel it is too far to go in one day, they could come, visit you, stay overnight and drive home the next day. If that's too much hassle then meeting their grandchild clearly isn't that urgent (barring health issues with them, etc).

HannahG315 Fri 14-Mar-14 17:44:38

Ithoughtofitfirst- I CANNOT believe that. I would have gone mental!!

Sweetpea86 Fri 14-Mar-14 17:51:23

I'm with Hannah, ithoughttofitfirst, I would of went mental at your brother and his boyfriend. I think I'd of told them to get out lol

Meglet Fri 14-Mar-14 18:03:15

I'm with WTF on this. My first couple of weeks with DC1 was ruined and bf was a disaster because of visitors. I still have issues 7yrs on.

Tell them either a very quick hospital visit (literally 10 mins, hello, chat and leave) or leave you in peace at home for a couple of weeks. You need to be left to decide when you want a visitor.

And not all visitors are created equal, the helpful relative that brings cake, makes their own tea, has a tidy for you then leaves is ok. The one that stays for 2 hours while you are trying to establish bf is not welcome.

Florin Fri 14-Mar-14 18:22:56

Thing is you just don't know until you give birth. I was really lucky that I had a short labour. Waters went 5 mins past midnight contractions started a couple of hours after and baby born at 6am so nobody knew we were in labour. Got to wake up my parents with a happy surprise. I was also lucky that I had a quick labour and although I had a second degree tear it didn't hurt and as it was a short labour I felt really good after. My parents came in at lunchtime and then we went home late afternoon. Dh was telling me off as about 12 hours after giving birth I was hoovering making sure it all looked neat and tidy for the midwife. The next day mil came and my parents and then fil the next day and my parents popped in unannounced. After this we were a bit fed up of seeing our parents and we wanted to introduce our ds to our friends so asked them to give us a few days break. It also depends how useful people are fil and his wife were wonderful and brought full 3 course meal for the two of us to have in the evening. My parents brought lots of food and treats and were helpful. Mil on the other hand never even put her coffee cup back in the kitchen and wanted to hold ds for hours on end to the point that dh had to ask her to hand the baby back and leave.
Anyway all I would say is d

sambababy Fri 14-Mar-14 18:23:05
Florin Fri 14-Mar-14 18:23:42

Don't have anyone to stay that is far to invasive in your time but other than that play it by ear and don't feel nervous to tell people what you want.

ithoughtofitfirst Fri 14-Mar-14 19:41:29

I know Hanna and sweetpea ! I should have thrown my placenta at them. Swung it above my head by the cord. Splat.

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