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Pregnancy advice, miscarriage trigger warning [title edited by MNHQ]

(70 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

alita7 Sun 09-Mar-14 11:59:52

Of course if there's something wrong it might just happen but I thought we should all share tips on what we do to help prevent it, we might have more sticky beans then you never know smile

I've been taking omega 3 fish oils and drinking grapefruit juice to help keep my progesterone levels up. I was going to the aspirin as I have clotty periods and a mmc so thought I might of had a clot cross the placenta but some sites say it can increase the chance of mc so I decided not to.

What about you?

MabelMay Wed 12-Mar-14 18:04:53

squiz I get it. You've put it well and I understand. I just think certain postings/replies (not yours by the way, you've been very eloquent and reasoned) seemed almost like attacks on the OP, and she obviously meant nothing malicious by starting the thread. Naive at worst.

But I get it and you're right.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 12-Mar-14 11:08:13

Hello everyone

Thanks for all the reports about this thread.

It's a tricky one tbh. From our point of view, it seems to have turned into a really useful and worthwhile evidence-based discussion about why the thinking of the opening post was mistaken. And in some ways we think that's a conversation worth preserving, which is why we haven't deleted it so far.

Of course, if it's really upsetting a lot of people, we'll delete it. But we wanted to explain our thinking about why we've left it up so far.

Do let us know what you think and we'll check back in.

Thanks
MNHQ

allisgood1 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:43:14

The "miscarriage: what every woman needs to know" book is FANTASTIC! That plus a talk with a very very good consultant (I really wish I could remember what he said but he basically put it all in statistically significant terms that my mc's were just "unlucky") gave me some hope back (and here I am--two children and 14 weeks pregnant!).

YoshimiB Tue 11-Mar-14 09:53:48

OP, different things work for different people but I wonder if you would find reading some decent info useful?

Last year I was in a similar place to you, i had a list of what I "did wrong" and a plan of action on what I needed to do differently. Thought this was proactive and positive.

A great GP talked to me at length, she understood exactly that this approach kept me sane and gave me a sense of control. But she was firm that it was important i understood and accepted that in all probability the MC was due to genetic reasons (explained the science of this). After MC 2 I felt overwhelmed by the "what ifs" and sure enough her words came back to me and eventually helped.

I can relate to what Squizita says re fresh air, I wasnt far off that.

I bought a book called "Miscarriage: What every woman needs to know". To be honest, it wasnt all relevant to me as I'm not a "recurrent" miscarrier, but it was exactly what I needed. I was lucky enough to get pregnant quickly but continued reading this in first trimester and despite that sounding like a negative thing to do it helped me to feel more informed and regain (some!) sanity.

Maybe if you have an understanding midwife or GP you could ask them to talk through these thoughts and help you find a balanced sensible approach to a healthy pregnancy.

KatieHopkinsEvilTwin Tue 11-Mar-14 09:27:00

Exactly northern

StarsInTheNightSky Tue 11-Mar-14 08:42:10

Exactly what Squizita said. I'm too shattered to try to word anything eloquently.

Accepting that sometimes crap things just happen for no reason was a huge part of emotional healing for me, the constant searching for things to do differently, way to prevent etc just prolongs the torment, I speak from experience.

Unless you have an underlying medical cause, there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage, it's just a crap lottery.

I agree this thread should go. Very bad idea for a thread.

I have never miscarried but I do have a child with a congenital heart defect and if anyone posted saying 'CHDs - what you need to do to prevent them is...' I would be devastated.

It's not on Op.

hazeyjane Tue 11-Mar-14 08:22:01

Honestly, this thread needs to be deleted.

squizita Tue 11-Mar-14 08:14:32

"even though I know it was almost certainly unpreventable - you don't want to ever be in the position of blaming yourself again"

Exactly

In order to be in that position, unless you know medically why (which is horrid because it means you've had 3 or more and you've likely got a blood condition or cervical issue, not good) looking for reasons - beyond normal things e.g. don't drink - you are far more likely to blame yourself if you look for things to 'do' or 'take' instead of accepting it's random/genetics.

It's a cruel trick: you think it makes you feel better but if (God forbid) something goes wrong you end up ten times worse. I ended up thinking I caused a miscarriage by going somewhere polluted and breathing the air! Because I'd read fresh air was good for baby. Utter nonsense.

Never mind just upsetting: I find the premise of this thread emotionally dangerous.

squizita Tue 11-Mar-14 08:07:30

Mabel the problem was OP didn't listen to the advice that all those things are emotional 'props' and kept pushing 'reasons' why. It is hurtful and it is on the big list of "things never to say to a woman after miscarriage" ... and she was there saying it. Perhaps it had been said to her which was why she felt that way.

I have sadly been part of the 'miscarriage community' here and via the Miscarriage Association for a couple of years and honestly... never seen a thread like this till now.

I've been there too. The desperation for 'safety' and 'supplements' is part of the mourning process, and I found although I thought it made me feel better it was like an addiction: more and more Dr Google, more and more worry. Essentially superstition. And in my case I had other losses and in fact it made them WORSE emotionally. Much worse. It may have contributed to my current anxiety.

OP may not have realised what she was saying to start with, but several people explained and she just ploughed on stating she'd had a loss as if that made it OK.

KatieHopkinsEvilTwin Tue 11-Mar-14 04:47:35

Mabel I dont feel offended, I feel a bit sad and put out that the op is suggesting that my miscarriage potentially could have been avoided by grapefruit juice. It makes me feel negligent and it minimises what happened. <note I took the pregnancy vits with fish oil and avoided the obvious food, drink etc so it must have been the grapefruit juice>hmm

This topic is too sensitive to give 'useful hints and tips' on. Particularly when they are backed up by no medical knowledge.

Maybe I should pop off and tell my friend who had cancer last year that she didnt drink enough tea and thats why she got it? confused I know thats very dramatic, but honestly thats how annoyed this thread has made me feel.

MabelMay Tue 11-Mar-14 00:51:09

I think everyone's being a little harsh on the OP here. After two MCs last year, I've felt a bit like her. I think people are very quick to feel offended. I don't think she's implying anyone who MC'd could have prevented it. I've become much more aware of vitamins, prenatal dos and don'ts etc since my MCs just because - even though I know it was almost certainly unpreventable - you don't want to ever be in the position of blaming yourself again. So I get it. Even though it's just a psychological thing -it's still something that can help get you through it all. So, sad to say, I'm about to go and pop my antenatal vits and some omega-3 at 5.3 weeks preg because I'm now terrified of MCs. Just to make me feel better!
Good luck OP and everyone else with TTCing or current pregnancies.

Boogles91 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:50:40

I have to take aspirin to keep my blood thin as im high risk of preeclampsia due to bad kidneys. So im sure it helps some how smile x

Armadale Mon 10-Mar-14 19:52:16

Agree with Penguin.

"Old wives tales for reducing miscarriage risk" should be the title.

KatieHopkinsEvilTwin Mon 10-Mar-14 19:41:31

Exactly what penguin said.

PenguinsEatSpinach Mon 10-Mar-14 19:24:29

Actually I think that would be a really misleading title allisgood, as most people who post threads like that are after emotional support. So someone who wanted to give that sort of support could come on and be upset. I don't think that's any better than what they started off with.

Actually I can't think of a good title for it. I'd say "Old wives tales for reducing miscarriage risk" is the most accurate description, but I'm not sure it would be a good title.

allisgood1 Mon 10-Mar-14 18:43:05

OMG mumsnet, what is your problem??? A good title would be "pregnancy after miscarriage advice". Jeez!!

eurochick Mon 10-Mar-14 17:11:59

OP, I think it is normal when you mc to think "was it anything I did?". But the fact of the matter is, that most of the time it is a chromosomal issue and the pregnancy failed because it was unviable. Some of the time it is because of a medical condition like blood clotting and that can be discovered and treated. Statistics show that vary rarely (if at all) can it be put down to the sort of things you are talking about. So I agree with whoever said that you just need to come to terms with it being a random occurence.

LondonJen Mon 10-Mar-14 16:50:41

Yes so the thread title now reads as 'Miscarriage trigger -Warning' as if there is a trigger to miscarriage everyone should be warned about! Talk about alarming. Please reword!

AmyMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 10-Mar-14 16:29:18

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your comments. We wouldn't tend to delete this sort of thread because it doesn't break our guidelines, but we have now put a trigger warning in the title.

squizita Mon 10-Mar-14 08:08:57

"I called the miscarriage association at the time but didn't find them helpful at the time but maybe they will be with this."

Not if you go in wanting to hear something they cannot tell you.

Honestly, this is the only time ever I have heard them called unhelpful. Neither they, nor your GP, can give you answers because it is highly unlikely there are answers: it was likely a random incident.

You need to accept this.

Eminybob Mon 10-Mar-14 07:31:30

I think that the OP is extremely insensitive.

Of course, my miscarriage must have been my fault as I didn't follow your helpful hints and tips.

It's not as simple as that, if it were there would be no miscarriages and the world would be a happier place.

Early miscarriages occur because the foetus isn't viable due to chromosomal reasons.

Don't put false hope into people thinking that if they do as you say they will be immune from the pain of a miscarriage, and don't make others who have suffered feel inadequate because they didn't do enough to prevent.

hmm

squizita Mon 10-Mar-14 06:50:38

Alita we can see what is going on, we do understand and we are disagreeing: the problem is you have been told the answer and you're ignoring it. I'm not criticising your 1st post, however many people who have been through the process of tests (after several losses) have explained and you're still just saying "I just want an answer" (we can't give you), I feel like lots of us are banging our heads against a brick wall here.

If you want answers: the miscarriage association, Tommys or a gynie doctor are the best sources.

Unless a doctor tells you, there isn't a 'fix' that works on every woman even on a just in case basis. There just isn't. One woman might need a prescribed suppliment, another aspirin... and taking the wrong one could be dangerous. After 1 loss you won't be seen by even most private doctors, so unlikely you need anything is the case. But after 2, if you are still concerned, you may access private tests (NHS is after 3 because only then are a significant number all caused by the same thing).

And this searching for 'possible' fixes isn't actually psychologically healthy: part of your recovery and reduction of anxiety must be accepting the randomness of it (trust me, been there- it's a long journey). Even with a quick fix here and there, you'll always be scared of the next news story and if you have a loss there will still be the 'what ifs' because more always come up... if you leave your mind open to every scrap of news/google advice.

And yes, you've had a loss: but please don't ignore that this thread has upset others because of that. Put in some kind of sincere apology rather than using your loss to 'justify' a lapse in judgement. And yes that is harsh I know but it needs to be said.

Although unrelated to MC physically, I found a perinatal psych assessment very useful in addressing my anxiety. I wish I had requested some CBT earlier - instead I went on the 'reasons' route and it caused me more heartache.

alita7 Mon 10-Mar-14 00:49:33

As I've said but probably not in the best way - I'm not suggesting all if many at all mcs can be avoided BUT I need to make sure I do all I can to help make this one stick, if I don't then inevitably I will blame myself for missing something.
If there are things you can do like taking a vitamin that will reduce the chances of mc from a specific cause then surely unless you know that wasn't the cause of yours then you'd want to know just in case?
I apologise for any upset caused but really am not blaming anyone or trying to upset anyone, just looking for peace of mind especially as my doctor was as helpful as a chocolate tea pot(he seems to know very little about pregnancy for a gp). Im finding the wait to my 12 week scan very difficult as last time it was then that they found no heartbeat and small measurements. I called the miscarriage association at the time but didn't find them helpful at the time but maybe they will be with this.
Thank you all is good you've been very helpful.

polarpercy Sun 09-Mar-14 20:47:06

I really agree with everyone who has said there is no way this thread should be termed pregnancy advice. I had a mc, and guess what I took a multi-vitamin and ate half a grapefruit every morning (simply because I like them and the sharpness wakes me up).

I then got pregnant quite quickly after and nothing stops you worrying, you set yourself all these little stages like, if I just get to 12 weeks I'll relax, then if I get to 20 then if I get to 24. It is not fair to women who already look to blame themselves to suggest that mc can be prevented as the vast majority cannot. We already beat ourselves up about this, without further guilt.

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