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Petrified of being a mummy

(19 Posts)
JJMARIE Thu 06-Mar-14 07:33:17

Hi all,

Me and my partner decided last year to try for a baby but both ended up admitting we had a lot going on not sure we are ready etc etc. Beginning of this year 2014 we said we don't think we will ever be ready and if we don't do it now we never will and new we didn't want to be childless. Our relationship is solid and we are so happy we have a great lifestyle and both have good jobs and have been used to a lovely lovely comfortable lifestyle.

I'm yet to do a test but am 99.9% sure I am pregnant and when I told my partner he didn't seem excited and I thought he lacked enthusiasm about it. It could just be that we don't 100% know yet but this has terrified me thinking he thinks its a mistake he doesn't want this and now I'm questioning my thoughts and how I feel. I am 32 he is 30 and have had 4 very happy years together and nothing fills me with more joy than thinking of a mini me or a mini him but also I worry as it will be a massive change and I'm more worried about my partner.

Has anyone else experienced this with a partner? Of course I plan to take a test and talk to him properly then but I wondered if anyone had experienced this and if they have any tips to offer as I don't want him to worry or be scared but think he might be after all its a massive change for the daddy as well.

Thank you ladies xxx

JakeBullet Thu 06-Mar-14 07:45:04

Hi,

Yes I can relate to this, we didn't have our son until I was 36, we were used to lots of freedom, a nice lifestyle and were able to have a pretty good life.

I desperately wanted a baby but DH wasn't too bothered and I think would have happily stayed childless had DS not come along.

All through the pregnancy he kept saying "you DO know I am going to be a totally crap father don't you"? He was terrified.

Then DS arrived and within weeks he was holding DS under one arm and making the cot up with the other!

Yes life DID change and initially it can feel like the end of the world. I started thinking that life would never change, we would never have any freedom again etc but....

...it does with time get better and better, you adjust to being parents, you find time to indulge old hobbies and interests, you get to have nights out again and life continues.

Our son is now 11 and his Dad just loves him so much, seeing them together is a joy.

So...I am guessing your husband is just scared, it's a big thing having a baby but this baby is planned for and being brought into the world with far more thought than many other babies out there. It IS scary but despite the hatd work initially it is also the single most brilliant thing ever.

So an early congratulations from me...smile

Totally had this!

When we started trying with our now ds (2yrs6m) dh didn't get excited really at all. I think it hit him when we went to the drs about 3 days after my tests. He was crying as we walked out as I think it hit him!

Don't get too down with him. Dh didn't get all the hormonal stuff, didn't get the kicking, the feeling of a life growing inside him, so he couldn't get as excited as me!
He was there at every appointment, and every scan, and at those he got extremely excited, as he did when ds was born.
Dh and ds are so close and it is lovely to see.

We're trying for another at the moment and I expect all this again.
I've just had 3 early mcs and dh didn't get as upset at me, but he wouldn't, he's not got all the hormones, he's not the one testing, he's not the one bleeding etc.

Please don't get down, he'll be excited, just a bit later than you grin

Casmama Thu 06-Mar-14 07:57:47

I think men take far longer to get used to the idea when you are pregnant and you don't actually know yet that you are so he is only reacting to the possibility that you are.
You wil both probably feel a range of emotions, including wtf have we done, as it is all part of it so don't put too much pressure on your selves to feel joyous from the first moment. I'm sure it will be fine.

Snobble Thu 06-Mar-14 09:18:54

If it helps, im 36+2 at the moment & i still get random moments of terror & 'omg what have i done'! DH is the same, but deep down the excitement is there as well. Im sure that once baby is here you will both be delighted smile

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Thu 06-Mar-14 10:08:08

Oh god yes! I'm on number 3 dc, number 4 pg. Each and every time, dp has had a total melt down! The first two were a little different, with no 1 we were young and had split up, with no 2 she was unplanned but even though this time we are much older and planned her as well he still panicked.
Its just how he is dp hates change in any form. I have to drag him kicking and screaming through each and every milestone in our lives. Hes fine and a great dad. smile

Roseandmabelshouse Thu 06-Mar-14 10:31:39

Yes I was the same. I was worried I had ruined my perfect life and was going to be stuck at home with a baby when I first found myself pregnant. Sadly I had a miscarriage and I was so sad and it really showed me how much I wanted a baby after all. I'm am now very happily pregnant again and while it's still daunting I have no doubts having experienced a loss last year.

I think it is a real challenge when you already 'have it all' because it's such a big change. However if you are fairly comfortable, having a baby doesn't have to end it all. We are still planning long haul holidays - just with the addition of a little one too.

NickyEds Thu 06-Mar-14 10:48:01

We had this too! In our 30's with a great lifestyle- we had always wanted kids but in a sort of abstract "one day" way- It was more of now or never when we started to try. OHs first words when we found out I was pregnant were "are we getting a Chinese for tea then?". When we went to the 12 week scan he said after he genuinely thought that there wouldn't be anything there! It became real when we found out we were having a boy and started buying things but even then he didn't seem totally sold on the idea. When DS was born it was like a baptism of fire, we both found the first 2 weeks really, really hard and the were several times we looked at each other as if to say "Have we made a terrible mistake"( I know how aweful that sounds).
DS is only 10 weeks old and we have fallen completely in love with him! Completely. It's a wrench for OH to go to work and he literally runs home to see him. I'm averaging 2 phone calls a day to see how we are!!
Your partner will be scared and worried- he should be it's a huge change but there is a reason everyone says "You're never really ready"!! Congratulations. It will be fine x

LePetitPont Thu 06-Mar-14 11:53:51

I'm 11 and a bit weeks and really struggling with "what have we done?" today - I've found this thread so reassuring. I think my partner is a bit more up for it than me!! I've just had a promotion at work and now it feels like I have to give it all up, never get to leave the house in the evenings and generally life as I know it (busy, social, lots of holidays and freedom) is over.

So no words of wisdom, but just to say, OP, you are not alone and thanks to other posters who have shared experiences of "been there, done that" thanks

Evie2014 Thu 06-Mar-14 13:20:09

My DH is totally wonderful and unbelievably supportive. I don't know what I would do without him: now that I'm 24 weeks and have a huge twin-bump.

But when I told him I was pregnant he really didn't react much at all. It wasn't bad, just not much of a reaction. I think it was at the same time too much and too little for him to deal with. Too much in the sense that his mind couldn't encompass just how huge a life change it would be. Too little in the sense that I was only 4 weeks + 3 and we were looking at something which seemed really far away. Plus I hadn't changed physically at that stage.

We'd also been through a miscarriage before so the first few weeks we didn't even discuss things much with each other- I suppose we were just worried and hesitant about making any plans.

As time progressed, though, DH got gradually more and more involved and interested, to the point where every week he's clamouring for the Mumsnet calendar to see what stage the babies are at!

We're also facing a future with fewer of the things we like to do at the moment (no more cultural trips abroad for a bit. WAIL.) but I know that we won't miss them when our two little girls arrive!

moomin35 Thu 06-Mar-14 14:23:23

Can I just say how lovely these stories are! :-) x

KitKat1985 Thu 06-Mar-14 14:46:36

I know how you feel OP. Me and DH always wanted kids in a 'one day' kind of way, but we recently had to start thinking about when 'one day' would be. For various practical reasons we realised now would be the best time, so that DH for example (who is now 33) won't be in his 40's when he's stood at the reception gates (no offence meant to any older parents out there), and I knew as well the later I left it the more chances there were of complications, having trouble conceiving, etc. It's scary though, and we've always been pretty lucky in lots of ways. We both work full-time and can currently afford 2-3 holidays / mini-breaks a year, get long lay-ins on our day offs, can do what we like in our free time, etc. There's no way these things are going to happen when baby arrives for at least a few years, and I can't help but grieve a bit for these things even though I'm very excited to be pregnant. However, I know I would always regret it if I didn't have children and have that experience, and I know that there will be lots of happy moments as well to balance out the hard ones. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you're alone in having some ambivalence about having children; and to be honest I think it's better to go into it with your 'eyes wide open' than to do what some new Mums I've known do and go into it just thinking about cute babies and not particularly think about the difficulties. As someone I know once put it, 'if you're not a bit scared about having children, then you probably just haven't thought about it enough'! xxx

weebigmamma Thu 06-Mar-14 19:54:50

Great thread! :-)

Life does change and it can be tough at first but you WILL get back to the 'comfortable' stage. It will be a different sort of comfortable but it really is pretty fantastic having a kid. Lean on friends and family and even counselling if your relationship needs it (ours did, but it was really good for us!)

As for me, I'm on child no.2 and having similar fears again- what if I mess up our perfect family life? lol- but I have to remember it wasn't messed up the first time- it was made better, even if we did take a while to adjust and even if we really had no money for a while. I would never want to undo it and neither would my partner. I remember us looking into the cot as our daughter slept as a baby and him saying 'I just really love her' and me feeling the exact same. Or the time when I was so knackered after putting her to bed that I sat on the hall floor and cried and he brought me a glass of baileys and we just hung out on the hall floor for a bit. It was lovely really, despite the knackeredness! :-)

judyandthedreamofdonkeys Thu 06-Mar-14 20:00:55

i had this when I was pregnant everyone kept telling me my life would never be the same again. it made me so worried...

then My lovely sil told me your life never will be the same again but once you have your baby you wouldnt want your life to be the same again. you wouldnt want to go back to your pre baby life because you'll be having the best time of your life with your baby.

she was right my life will never be the same again its so Much better

good luck op

ToriaPumpkin Thu 06-Mar-14 21:14:25

The day after our 12 week scan with DS we were calling people to tell them the news and DH held it together long enough to say goodbye to his Godmother before bursting into tears. He was genuinely terrified. He wasn't really very involved until the midwife handed him the tiny little (well, 9lb so not so tiny) baby in the delivery room.

He's an amazing Dad. Involved, patient, far more willing than I am to get down on the floor and play with duplo/cars/whatever this week's favourite inanimate object is,Iit just took having an actual child for him to get there. I think it's harder for men to relate to something they can't see or feel (even when they can feel the kicks it's an abstract concept really) in our case he's also very pragmatic and realistic so both times I've been pregnant (currently 31+4) he's spent the first wee while thinking 'well it might come to nothing so I won't get excited' he's still come to all the appts and scans (I have extra due to having had a big baby before and blood sugar concerns) and been supportive, just in a less emotional way.

And this time I've had plenty of 'what HAVE we done?' moments. I think it's probably better that way than just assuming it'll all be fine, at least it means you're thinking about the reality! The truth is everything will change, but it's all worth it. Even at 2am when you're being poked in the eye wink

BluegrassLass Thu 06-Mar-14 21:51:57

I'm 6 weeks with our first, and we are petrified too. We're in our mid to late 30's, married almost 10 years, and we've enjoyed the freedoms of our life together. The changes that are coming really have me (not sure about DH) wondering what have we done?!?! Not to mention, that when I get sleep deprived I get ill and extremely grouchy. I'm really not looking forward to that part at all.

Thanks for starting this thread OP. It's nice to know we aren't the only ones!

MaybeProbably Thu 06-Mar-14 23:25:26

op, thank you so much for starting this thread, I thought it was just me. 11 weeks and it all still feels very unreal (despite the hideous nausea). Having regular "Oh god, what am i doing?" moments - mainly every time I see a friend with kid(s). Sometimes, I'm just not sure I can do this. It's nice to know other people feel similar.

Plateofcrumbs Fri 07-Mar-14 04:24:56

This all sounds very familiar!

DH and I have been together for 13 years and got to that point where the idea of never having children became slightly more scary than the idea of having them. I still don't feel in the slightest bit 'ready'.

I'm terrified of the sheer relentlessness of it all, and the fact that there is no backing out: this is the single biggest commitment we can make. I'm dreading the sleep deprivation. I'm dreading the the fact that looking after a baby just sounds pretty boring . I'm dreading the inevitable arguments with DH.

I don't know how I'm ever going to cope with work again and worried I'm going to constantly feel conflicted. I'm worried that I'm going to spend the rest of my life worrying. I'm worried about whether they'll be healthy. I'm worried that one day they'll be a rebellious teenager who hates me.

I don't know how I can look after another person when I sometimes barely seem to look after myself.

And yet....deep down I know it's the right thing, despite everything.

Kels13 Sat 08-Mar-14 17:57:15

This is just how I feel too. Am 9 weeks on with our first and after getting married last year I was in such a rush to get pregnant. Now I keep thinking is it too soon. I know it isn't, we're in our 30s and both really want a baby but I'm just getting the 'shit life is going to REALLY change' panic! Is all just a bit overwhelming isn't it! Reading all the lovely stories in here though is great. I'm not sure I know anyone who can honestly say 'I was 100% ready'... X

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